Speaker Pelosi Addresses Obesity Versus Hunger in America

By John Lillpop

Immediately after engineering the non-binding resolution on the floor of the U.S. House that provided victory for al-Qaeda, Speaker Pelosi boarded a commercial flight bound for San Francisco.

As a resident of the Bay Area, I was able to catch up with the Speaker after her flight arrived at SFO Airport. Pelosi graciously agreed to the following interview in the lounge at the airport.

John:
Welcome home, Speaker Pelosi. You have been making a lot of news over these past several weeks!

Speaker Pelosi:
Thank you, John. Yes, we promised a new day in America and we are living up to our promises! The best is yet to come.

John:
Do you worry that the American public will see this as a partisan "piling on" against President Bush? More of a personal vendetta than a professional policy dispute?

Speaker Pelosi:
Not at all. I have always said that George W. Bush seems like an affable, good-natured sort of guy. I would not want my sister to marry a Bush, but that is another story.

My problem with the president has nothing to do with personalities--we hate Bush because he is so damn stupid.

John:
Thank you for clarifying that, Speaker Pelsoi.

Now, Madam Speaker, one of the hottest issues of the day is obesity versus hunger.

On the one hand, we are warned that obesity threatens to deliver an epidemic of medical problems like diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and on and on. The California legislature has jumped into the fray and is legislating what foods can and cannot be sold at schools. Governments all across the nation are passing laws to eliminate Trans fats.

On the other hand, we are told that hunger has never been higher and that millions of children go to bed hungry every night.

From your perspective, what is the truth?

Speaker Pelosi:
Actually, the answer is pretty much the same as the money problem in America. Namely, all the wrong people have the food these days.

Although I do not have the exact numbers in front of me, John, I am sure that most fat people are Republicans, people of means who have everything handed to them.

By the same token, people who go hungry are almost always Democrats and people of color. It's the insidious "Haves versus have nots," again.

John:
So what is the solution? Is there a reasonable solution?

Speaker Pelosi:
Well, Senator Reid and I have drafted new legislation to face the issue head on.

Here is how it will work. Luxury foods and beverages like low-fat hamburger, caviar, and expensive wines are bought and consumed exclusively by white Republican Christians.

As a result, those luxury products will be subjected to a "Health and Happiness" surcharge. Scores of billions of dollars in extra revenue will thus flow into the federal coffers.

We will then take that surcharge money for a new food stamp program. Eligibility requirements are as follows: Applicants must be a "people of color" minority, non-English speaking, non-citizens. Preferences will be given to those who are here illegally, those who look like terrorists, gays and transvestites, and Islamic extremists.

John:
Wow. That seems quite comprehensive. But what about the discrimination through racial profiling built into your food stamp program? Is this not blatant discrimination?

Speaker Pelosi: (Giggling)
Heavens no, John. This is affirmative action, San Francisco style!

John:
Thank you for your time, Speaker Pelosi.

Speaker Pelosi:
Not at all. Thank you, John.


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!