Nancy Pelosi Discusses Family Planning and Jobs

Satire By John W. Lillpop


This reporter recently caught up with Speaker Nancy Pelosi who graciously agreed to the following interview during which we discussed family planning, abortion, the birth of Octuplets in Southern California, and jobs.

The text of that interview follows:

John Lillpop:

Greetings, Speaker Pelosi. Congratulations on your reelection, greatly expanded majority in the U.S. House, and a liberal Democrat in the White House! Democrats have it all their way these days!

Speaker Pelosi:

Oh, thank you John! I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I am that George W. Bush has finally gotten out of town. I feel sorry for the state of Texas, but what can you do?

John Lillpop:

Speaker Pelosi, the House of Representatives passed an Economic Stimulus bill that will cost American taxpayers close to one trillion dollars. One of the more controversial items in the plan is $350 million dollars for family planning.

George Stephanopolis asked you what that expenditure has to do with creating jobs. Can you elaborate for my readers, and relate it to the birth of the Octuplets in California?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, to begin with, if those children were born in October--you did say they were Octuplets, right?--I wonder why we are we just now hearing about them?

John Lillpop:

Actually, I believe that Octuplets means there were eight babies born to one woman at the same time, Speaker Pelosi.

Speaker Pelosi:

Eight? I thought someone said 14?

John Lillpop:

Well, the woman already had six at home and with the eight new born she now has 14.

Speaker Pelosi:

She already had six and wanted eight more? What the hell is she, some gap-toothed, Bible thumping, pro-life nut ball?

Where exactly in California is this scam artist from?

John Lillpop:

Let's see...OK, she is from Whittier. Southern California.

Speaker Pelosi:

I knew it, I knew it!

You realize that "Tricky Dick"," that sleazy Republican Quaker felon was from Whittier, right?

John Lillpop:

I am sorry, Madam Speaker. What does Richard Nixon have to do with the eight babies in a hospital in Whittier?

Speaker Pelosi:

The question everyone should be asking is, "Why have those eight right-wing babies been allowed to tie up hospital beds and medical services since October?"

We have tens of millions of illegal aliens from Mexico who need to be hospitalized for all sorts of ailments, most caused by drinking the putrid water down there, or by drinking way too much beer here.

Yet, here we have this English-speaking, self-centered, pro-life conservative who hogs medical facilities desperately needed for the poor and destitute.

It's so sad!

John Lillpop:

I am still not following you, Speaker Pelosi. What do the Octuplets have to do with stimulating the economy and creating jobs?

Speaker Pelosi:

It is as plain as the mole on Obama's face, John.

George Bush trashed the American economy by making the rich even richer. He left progressive Democrats to deal with the most serious downturn since the Great Depression.

Simply put, now is not the time for single mothers to be having Octuplets.

In order to turn the failed Bush economy around, we need a few hundred billion dollars to bail out innocent young ladies who get knocked up before Obama has had time to lead us into the promised land.

Under my plan, that young woman in Whittier would have been forced to go to Planned Parenthood for counseling the moment she realized she was pregnant.

What do you think Planned Parenthood would have counseled? Here you have a single mom already responsible for six rug rats with another eight itching to pop out.

It is really a non-brainer, even for a conservative.

You have to snuff at least six, perhaps seven, of the fetuses and try to keep the mother out of heat for at least the next 10 years.

John Lillpop:

But wouldn't that be state-sponsored murder?

Speaker Pelosi:

Murder? Hell no!

Murder is when you send 5,000 American kids to their deaths in Iraq because your dyslexic alcoholic president is having the DTs and sees weapons of mass destruction that simply do not exist.

THAT is murder!

John Lillpop:

I understand your point, Speaker. The latest news is that the mother in Whittier is bankrupt, or her family is, and she is seeking millions in bail out money from the stimulus funds. How do you feel about that?

Speaker Pelosi:

This is exactly why we are in such trouble in America. That woman needs to take personal responsibility for herself and her offspring.

Supporting 14 bastard kids from a right-wing slut is not the job of the government because it has nothing to do with jobs. Why is that so hard for conservatives to understand?


stjl

An Interview with Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi

Satire By John W. Lillpop



Just hours before her coronation as Speaker-elect, Nancy Pelosi sat down with John Lillpop of the LillSatire news conglomerate to discuss her historic rise to power. The transcript of that interview follows:


John:

Welcome, Madam Speaker-elect, and congratulations on your history-making achievement.

Nancy:

Thank you, John. It’s a pleasure to be here.

John:

If I can, Ms. Pelosi, I would like to get your analysis of the single-most pressing issue facing America as you prepare to take control of the U.S. House.

Nancy:

That is an excellent question. In my view, the greatest problem facing our nation is this: All the wrong people have the money these days.

John:

Ms. Pelosi? Can you elaborate and tell our readers how you plan to address this issue?

Nancy:

Well, it’s really quite simple if you think about it. The rich and powerful have all the money—and they are simply the wrong people to be entrusted with so much wealth.

We Democrats plan to change that wealth dynamic through a series of bills designed to redistribute wealth to the poor and downtrodden, the less fortunate.

John:

Does that mean higher taxes?

Nancy:

Only for the filthy rich. Any family that makes more than $20,000 a year is living a pampered lifestyle, and needs to sacrifice more for the common good. We intend to balance the playing field by taxing the rich and funneling their money to the poor.

John:

What about spending? Are Democrats committed to frugality?

Nancy:

Absolutely! We are already working on landmark legislation to essentially disembowel the FBI, CIA, Pentagon, Homeland Security, and other “non-essential” services.

Eliminating these departments will free up hundreds of billions for vital services needed by America’s poor and needy.

John:

What programs will be funded for the poor and needy after you make those cuts?

Nancy:

John, this nation has 47 million uninsured people to worry about. We have 20 million illegal aliens from Mexico who are very needy and poor. We have countless homeless who need cars, homes, education, access to inexpensive drugs, and the list goes on and on.

John:

But what about the war on terror? The cuts you propose all seem to come at the expense of America’s defense and security.

Nancy:

Actually, the war on terror is a myth fabricated and disseminated by the Bush administration to send hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to Halliburton and other GOP fat cat corporations. There is no terrorist threat to America.

John:

But what about 9/11, Ms. Speaker-elect?

Nancy:

We have secured “Top Secret” documents from informants on the 9/11 Commission which indicate that 9/11 was a management conspiracy in the controller’s towers in Boston, New York City, and Washington, D.C. 9/11 was nothing more than an attempt at union busting by anti-labor airline management.


John:

Incredible. Can that information be made public so that the American people can see your proof?

Nancy:

As I said, the documents are “Top Secret.” So America will just have to trust John Murtha, John Kerry, and me to tell the truth.

John:

Another sizzling issue seems to be gay marriage. America is very divided on this—what are your beliefs?

Nancy:

I have a personal commitment to see that gay people have the same rights as all other Americans. We are a great people who did the right thing with respect to racial and gender discrimination. Now we need to emancipate gay people from the yoke of discrimination.


John:

What about adoptions by gay couples?

Nancy:

Actually, I have a very personal answer to that question. You see, my parents are gay—my father is a gay man, and mum is a lesbian. Both mum and dad had high-visibility jobs where their sexual orientation could not be made public. Thus, they married for convenience—a cover for both of them.

John:

So you were conceived as the result of a gay union?

Nancy:

It’s a tad bit more complicated than that. Mum and dad decided to forego the traditional “consummation” of their marriage for obvious reasons. But they wanted desperately to have a child.

So I was adopted and raised by a gay couple--and look how I turned out!

John: (Choking).

Excuse me, Ms. Pelosi. I see our time has elapsed. Thank you for coming here today.

Nancy:

Thank you, John.

Progressive Compassion Needed to Fix Immigration?

Satire By John W. Lillpop


























For Immediate Release

(San Francisco)---The following press release was issued by the Office of Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives:

With the Cinco de Mayo celebrations looming, Speaker Pelosi believes that the American people need progressive ideas and leadership when it comes to the issue of immigration.

In order to steer America away from the subhuman quagmire that George W. Bush has created, Speaker Pelosi is proposing the following program to make America a more attractive destination for third world peasants to invade.

In her own words, then, Speaker Pelosi offers her Cinco de Mayo greeting to America and the remaining peasants in Mexico who have not yet invaded America, but who will do so when monthly food stamp and welfare allotments increase by at least 10 percent.

Nancy Pelosi's Progressive Compassion Program to Fix Immigration


No Human Being Is Illegal

As Democrats, we believe that the term "illegal alien" should only be used when referring to the invasion of a woman's uterus by an unwanted fetus, and then only as needed to provide concise language for the death certificate of the aborted interloper.

When used to describe migrants from Mexico and other Latin nations, the term illegal alien is xenophobic and morally repugnant, and is a pernicious denial of the humanness of some of the most talented toilet bowl scrubbers, janitors, housemaids, burger flippers, fruit pickers, and operators of hi-tech leaf blowers in America.

We Democrats also object most vehemently when "illegal alien" is used as a derogatory slur against killers, MS-13 gangsters, drunken drivers, welfare cheats, identity thieves, drug smugglers, child molesters, and other future constituents who are down on their luck and in need of a helping hand, rather than a kick in the groin/posterior.

As Speaker of the House, I have drafted redemptive legislation to add "illegal alien" and "wetback" to the list of terms that qualify as hate speech in America.

This draft is being reviewed by Mexican President Felipe Calderon and the Mexican Congress, and will be released to U.S. House members after all comments from Mexico's leaders have been resolved to the satisfaction of Mexico.

A Spanish translation of the draft will also be sent to the White House for President Bush to review.

For the record: The preferred term for those living here, but missing a silly piece of paper or two, is "Undocumented Constituent."


America Must Be Deportation-free Sanctuary

Tens of millions of undocumented constituents hide in the shadows of American society, afraid to assimilate because of fear of punitive action by a government that hates the color brown.

San Francisco pioneered the "Nuclear-free" zoning concept several years ago to alert the world that The City is completely free from nuclear weapons and should not be attacked. That policy has worked beautifully, because there have been no nuclear incidents since the declaration was codified into San Francisco's City Charter.

Using the same template of success, I, in conjunction with San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, hereby designate all of America as a deportation-free sanctuary to anyone who can prove that he/she is here from Mexico without proper documentation, who speaks Spanish, but absolutely no English, and who is destitute and in need of public services.

As an added benefit, undocumented constituents who can prove they are HIV positive are also eligible for free housing and transportation in San Francisco.

These progressive enhancements will surely make undocumented constituents feel most welcome and, we hope, shadow free!


Bring Troops Home to Reduce "Pressure" on the Border

During his State of the Union address, President Bush advised the American people that the immigration problem is the result of too much "pressure" on America's borders.

Although the president is wrong on just about everything, he has this one right.

We Democrats intend to help the befuddled president take pressure off the borders by requiring that our troops be withdrawn from Iraq and sent to the border with Mexico by the 4th of July, 2007.

At the border, our brave military troops would escort and assure safe passage for any and all Latinos wishing to invade America.

American troops would be authorized to use whatever force needed, including lethal, to prevent renegade border patrol agents and outlaw vigilantes, AKA Minutemen, from hindering the flow of undocumented constituents into the promised land.

In addition to providing escort services, our troops would be used in a door-to-door campaign to confiscate every last firearm in the unsteady hands of ordinary Americans.

Gun Control: Repealing the 2nd Amendment

As the tragic circumstances surrounding the Virginia Tech massacre made quite clear, America must establish far greater legal impediments to all forms of gun ownership.

Repealing the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution is the only reasonable recourse for responsible Americans.

In addition, we Democrats strongly support a recent proposal by a Canadian journalist that would have the U.S. military go door to door to confiscate guns

Undocumented constituents are overwhelmingly in favor of repealing the 2nd Amendment, and would make excellent door to door "confiscators" in America's war against guns.

This is yet another reason why America must bring as many of these people into our nation as soon as possible.


Diversity and Tolerance Workshops

American citizens, particularly white Christian Republicans, can be an intolerant lot, especially when it comes to Spanish-speaking brown people.

A special outreach program should be established to eliminate racist thinking in bigoted whites by showing how undocumented constituents contribute to the America in so many ways.

Think about it: Were it not for undocumented constituents, America would have to fire scores of thousands of police officers, prison guards, probation officers, judges, bail bondsmen, drunk tank officers, detox nurses, Death Row supply clerks,and translators in our system of justice.

Without undocumented constituents there would be a calamitous oversupply of ACLU lawyers, food stamps, Cuervo beer, DUI defense attorneys who speak Spanish, welfare caseworkers, ID theft investigators, and English as a Second Language (ESL) instructors.

Undocumented constituents are vital to America's economy and white folks need to wake up and smell the refried beans!

Universal Health Care

As any American citizen who has tried to get medical attention at any emergency room knows, the great masses of undocumented constituents suffer immensely from the lack of affordable health insurance.

Indeed, undocumented constituents generally look haggard, emaciated, hung over, suffering from Delirium Tremors, and lacking in dental care.

A caring nation like America must implement a universal health care program for all people, including undocumented constituents

This humanitarian program can be funded by adding a $2.50 per gallon "wellness levy" to the cost of gasoline used in SUVs, Cadillac and Lincoln sedans, and all other vehicles registered to known Republicans.

A "wellness levy" would reduce the demand for foreign oil, cut global warming, and eliminate the need for Al Gore's hideous "An Inconvenient Truth," billed as a movie, but which was really a paid (by movie goers!) political announcement!

Higher Taxes, Redistribution of Wealth

One of the gravest problems facing America in 2007 is that all the wrong people have money.

Rich, white Republicans control most of the nation's wealth, but these people are simply the wrong people to be in control of so much wealth.

We Democrats support a progressive tax structure to level the playing field between the filthy rich and the unwashed poor.

Undocumented constituents are ALL poor and would vote unanimously to soak the rich with higher, higher, and even higher taxes!


Summary:

America faces many difficult challenges. But by bringing our troops home, tearing down impediments to newcomers, repealing the 2nd Amendment, and enacting other progressive ideas, we can save America for future generations of impoverished Mexicans.

Join me and the Democrat party as we work to make America truly the "Land of the Free" for scores of millions of good hearted, hard working people of color.

Let me close with a deep and inspirational spiritual thought: God dang America!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

"Granny Diplomacy" Hits Bump in Road to Damascus

satire by John W. Lillpop



Speaker Nancy Pelosi's much ballyhooed middle east mission to "make the world safer" was apparently marred by a failure often experienced by people in the later stages of life.

It's called a "senior moment" and causes the victim--in this case Pelosi--to lose all conscious memory and reasoning power.

In Pelosi's case, the loss was not all that great because there was not an abundance of either commodity in her liberal-infested cranium to begin with.

But a senior moment is the only plausible explanation for the kerfuffle created by the speaker over the past week.

Here is how Speaker Pelosi managed to mangle the peace process and set diplomacy back at least two generations:

Although Pelosi proudly marched into her meeting with Syrian President Assad and boldly announced a new peace message from Israel's Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, the Speaker's diplomatic triumph was lacking in one vital detail:

It was simply not true!

Indeed, Olmert's office issued a rare "clarification" Wednesday that contradicted Speaker Pelosi's claim. In other words, America's most powerful woman is incapable of grasping and accurately communicating a simple message.

Here: http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1173879247562&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

Bottom line: Absolutely nothing has changed in Israel and nothing will change in Syria just because a meddling old woman with dementia and botox poisoning has decided to save the world with "granny diplomacy."

To her credit, Pelosi stood up and took responsibility for the disconnect. She blamed an incompetent aide for forgetting to remind Pelosi to take her memory medicines last Saturday, which led directly to her faulty recollection of Olmert's message.

How comforting to know that the very future of the planet and its six billion human residents rests with an aging feminist who cannot distinguish between peace and terrorism in her addled old brain!

On a more positive note, former President Jimmy Carter praised Speaker Pelosi for her acheivement and opined that the garbled message was probably the result of a bold face lie on the part of the Jews, including Olmert.

Carter urged Pelosi to continue to use "granny diplomacy" until the world reaches the enlightened state of consciousness enjoyed by most residents of San Francisco.

America's best known peanut farmer and worst ex-president also compared the Pelosi trip to Damascus with that of Saul in biblical times. Saul, it will be recalled, was converted to Christianity on the road to Damascus, and became a major figure in the Christian movement.

"Pelosi's visit to Damascus may eventually be just as historic as that of Saul," Carter declared.

That may be true, but first Pelosi will have to remember where in the hell she is, and what she is supposed to say!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Speaker Pelosi Off to Syria: Why?

by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Pelosi has left Washington, D.C., to visit Syria. That is the good news.

The bad news: She is coming back!

Pelosi's sojourn has gossipmongers and political pundits working overtime to answer the $60,000 question: Why?

Doesn't Pelosi realize that she has already done enough damage to the United States with her mind-numbing surrender?

Experts say Pelosi is probably going to Syria for one or more of the following reasons:


* Promote the Pelosi Doctrine for the middle east which calls for the impeachment of George W. Bush and the resurrection of Saddam Hussein, both on Easter Sunday;

* Explain the surrender bills passed in the House and the Senate, and to set a "Date Certain" for resolving all differences into a final bill that terrorists can live with;

* Celebrate First Quarter achievements with Islamofascist sponsors and
get marching orders for 2nd Quarter;

* Offer the full time services of William J. Jefferson as Ethics and Banking adviser to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Jefferson's salary and all living expenses to be paid by the DNC, provided Jefferson does not return to U.S. before the day after the elections on November 4, 2008;

* Formally apologize to Syria for the shameful behavior of the Bush administration with regard to 14 innocent Syrian musicians who were viscously harassed during a Northwest Airlines flight from Detroit to Los Angeles in 2004. Pelosi will refer the Syrian government to the San Francisco chapter of the ACLU for further action.

As a gesture of goodwill, Pelosi will also offer to hire the 14 musicians (at minimum wage) to perform at the Gay Pride festivities in San Francisco on June 20;

* Get fitted for a Niqab, the traditional Muslim face wear for women, just in case the "Islam thing" takes hold in the U.S.

* Demonstrate her Islam-friendly politics by traveling with Rep. Keith Ellison, America's first and only Muslim elected to Congress. Pelosi plans to keep a detailed account of all racial profiling and other discrimination suffered by Ellison at airports, in bars, and on the plane in order to argue for repeal of the Patriot Act, and

* Fly in one of those cool 757 air force jets that the Air Force refuses to let her use for fund raising scams in San Francisco.

All in all, Pelosi's trip is good for America because while she is out of the country at least she is not making stupid "Tax and Surrender" laws!

Go, Nancy, Go.

Stay there, Nancy, Stay there!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Misundestimating Nancy Pelosi

by John W. Lillpop


The events of March 23, 2007 will surely go down in history as pivotal in defining what America stands for and what Americans are willing to fight for.

For the first time in history, a feminist with "Special Olympics" capabilities held the Speaker's gavel in the U.S. House and played a major role in defining anti-American foreign policy.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) did the moment proud.

To begin with, Pelosi made it clear that all the talk about Iraq being a rerun of Viet Nam is more than just anti-Bush rhetoric.

In fact, Pelosi authenticated the analogy by leading her party into a quagmire of anti-war malfeasance similar to what Democrats did to America in the 1970s.

The final vote was Jihad 218, American troops 212. America's first female speaker has thus spoken, and left an indelible mark on American war politics.

However, a critical question remains: Did Pelosi speak for or against America?

In addition to the "firsts" surrounding Pelosi's personal demographics, the vote marks the first time in history that the U.S. House has attempted to surrender via C-Span television.

With 18 months remaining until the Pelosi term ends, concession politics by way of satellite may become fairly common, especially now that the C-Span signal (with Arabic sub-titles) can be received in Afghan caves by Islamofascist subscribers.

To those who tend to misunderestimate Pelosi, be reminded that only 14 Democrats voted with the GOP on this vital issue.

This is a clear sign that Pelosi cannot only count to 218, but that she knows how to use cajoling, jawboning, and pork-bribes in order to defeat America.

Today's historic vote reaffirms the precipitous decline of the Democrat party from the days of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Scoop Jackson, and General Douglas MacArthur, to a party now featuring the likes of John Murtha, Maxine Waters, and Dennis Kucinich.

With the heady days of Camelot gone forever, the Democrat party is now a collection of outcasts and clowns led by a House Speaker who would, if she could, slash $300 billion from the war on terror and homeland security, and give the money to illegal aliens.

Still, there is some hope: Voters can force the liberal buffoons and enemies of America to withdraw from Washington, D.C., at the next election.

Mark down November 4, 2008 as a "Date Certain" that those who love America can support and look forward to!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Bush and Pelosi Form Nonpartisan Mensa Chapter

Satire by John Lillpop


More than four months following mid-term elections that rocked the political landscape in Washington, D.C., President George Bush and Speaker Nancy Pelosi met at the White House in an attempt to ease simmering partisan squabbles.

After shaking hands, the leaders vowed to bury the hatchet and to work more closely to solve the nation's daunting problems.

In a reminder of how competitive elections have become in America, the hatchet was figurative only, as the president’s doctor continues to forbid Bush from handling sharp, dangerous objects, an order that has been in effect since around 10pm on election night.

In less civilized societies, a bitter political campaign like the November midterms might find opponents still at each other’s throats with continued violence a real possibility.

In fact, if America were operating under Islamic Shari law, Bush would have had the option of stoning Pelosi to death for failing to cover her face in public.

All things considered, keeping the Pelosi kisser under wraps would probably be a good idea, and in the best interest of the American people, western civilization, and the global environment.

Rumor has it that Bush considered the stoning option, but decided that it would send the wrong message to Islamofascists, even though the stoning target would be a very deserving liberal.

In other words, Bush lacked the stones to do the stoning.

Besides, the president will need a well-rested right arm in order to fulfill his constitutional duty as veto- commander-in-chief, a title that has gone tragically missing since Bush assumed office in 2001.

Moreover, this is America, and we are the world’s leaders when it comes to civility, diplomacy, and compromise. It’s in our DNA to cooperate with even our most despicable and nasty foes.

To illustrate this principle, President Bush and Speaker Pelosi made several public gestures of reciprocity and nonpartisan goodwill including:

* Pelosi agreed to tutor Bush on pronouncing “nuclear,” and Bush will teach Pelosi to blink.

* Pelosi gave Bush a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he presented her with House Keeping for Dummies.

And in a final testament to their new bonding, Bush and Pelosi announced the formation of a new Mensa chapter in Washington, D.C., with the president and speaker
appointed as permanent co-chairs, at least until Bush is removed from office by the Pelosi impeachment machine.

The only down moment came when Bush discovered Pelosi in the Oval Office measuring the windows for drapes and matching the carpet coloring with shades of her lipstick.

Even then, civility prevailed as the president politely excused himself, saying only that he needed to find a rock quarry, a jack hammer, and a Muslim cleric with a powerful, accurate throwing arm as soon as possible!



John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Speaker Pelosi Discusses Scooter Libby, Alberto Gonzales, and Guns

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Nancy Pelosi continues to make headlines with her revolutionary views and attitudes.

I recently caught up with the speaker at Pier 39 in San Francisco where she was fishing for a pet shark. She kindly agreed to the following interview.

John:

Well, good afternoon, Madam Speaker. So very good to see you again! Any bites?

Speaker Pelosi:

Good to see you again as well, John.

Regrettably, the only bites so far are to my backside, and those were inflicted by those darn southern Blue Dogs!

John:

So sorry, Speaker Pelosi. How about the anti-war leftists--they are putting pressure on as well are they not?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, yes, to a certain extent.

But the difference is that most of the anti-war folks are from California--plus they are 100 percent right! We need to get out of Iraq before the American people start blaming Democrats for Bush's folly.

John:

I understand. We have had some really big news recently, starting with the guilty verdict for Scooter Libby. How does that verdict sit with you?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, of course he was guilty. Good heavens, who in the world could doubt the word of Tim Russert? That man is an institution and certainly more credible than anyone working in the Bush White House.

John:

So you are opposed to a presidential pardon for Libby?

Speaker Pelosi:

Yes. In fact, I believe that President Bush should recuse himself if a pardon request is filed.

John:

But that would effectively deny Libby a constitutional remedy available to U.S. citizens. Surely that would be unfair, even to a member of the Bush administration?

Speaker Pelosi:

Not really. Although I am not a constitutional scholar, I believe that the president's pardon authority could be delegated to the next individual in the chain of command.

John:

But with all due respect, Madam Speaker, that would place the matter in the hands of Dick Cheney. Doesn't he have an even greater conflict of interest when it comes to Libby?

Speaker Pelosi:

Of course he does, which is why we Democrats would insist that Cheney recuse himself as well.

John:

Then what, Ms. Speaker? The next in line would be...the Speaker of the House.

Are you saying that any pardon request for Libby should be adjudicated by yourself?

Speaker Pelosi:

Uh, well, you know, I had not really thought it through. But I guess you are right--I would have to decide the issue for America.

John:

And how would you handle it? Could you be fair?

Speaker Pelosi:

Fair? Absolutely!

We would give Libby his day in court--and then we would ship his corrupt rear to Leavenworth.

John:

But that sounds so spiteful. Doesn't America stand for true objectivity and higher principles of law in dealing with the accused?

Speaker Pelosi:

Right again, John. I am thinking we could probably work out something with Libby. You know, an unconditional pardon in exchange for some good juicy testimony against Dick Cheney and or George Bush.

After all, this IS America--I am sure we would be able to find a democratic way to send Cheney to jail in Libby's place.

John:

I guess I understand, Madam Speaker.

The next big issue concerns Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Mr. Gonzales is facing calls for his resignation from folks like Senators Clinton and Schumer.

My question, Madam Speaker: Do these attacks have their roots in racism? After all, Gonzales is Hispanic.

Speaker Pelosi:

In all honesty, John, while it is true that Gonzales is a Mexican, he is entirely the wrong kind of Mexican.

For example, most real Mexicans with law degrees stay in their barrio communities to help disadvantaged Mexicans get out of trouble.

In other words, educated Mexicans with good hearts become DUI defense attorneys. Or they fight for illegal aliens against deportation and other injustices. Clearly, Alberto Gonzales is not of that ilk.

John:

But Gonzales is a licensed attorney. Are you challenging his credentials to practice law?

Speaker Pelosi:

All I am really saying, John, is that we need to be very careful about folks who hail from Texas, are friends of George Bush, and who claim to have risen to heights uncommon for people from sullied socio-economic backgrounds.

Remember Harriet Miers? Bush tried to snooker the Senate into placing a lottery queen on the U.S. Supreme Court!

But we smoked him out on that one, and we must do likewise with this Gonzales character.

John:

But what about Silvestre Reyes, the Democrat who is your Chairman of the Intelligence Committee?

It is reported that Reyes does not even know the difference between a Sunni and Shia. Is he qualified for the job, or is he there only because he is of Mexican descent?

Speaker Pelosi:

John, you must be getting your news from right-wing extremist outlets like CQ or ABC, for heaven's sake.

QC distorted the Reyes interview completely, and did so with malice. To begin with, the interview was conducted in English, an obvious attempt to confuse Mr. Reyes into saying something he did not fully understand.

As it turns out, in Spanish Sunni means Shia, and Shia means Sunni, or something like that.

The point is that Silvestre Reyes is a former border patrol man who knows a terrorist when he sees one--whether or not the terrorist is Sunni or Shia is just superfluous pap not vital to homeland security.

John:

Good point, Madam Speaker. Now what about that big set back for gun control in Washington, D.C., where an appeals court ruled that the anti-gun law was in violation of the 2nd amendment. Your response?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, of course, all Americans of good will and high intelligence are outraged that activist judges would let the archaic Constitution interfere with good urban law.

We must never forget that the Constitution is over 220 years old. America has changed a lot in those 220 years, and it is our duty to make laws that address the needs of contemporary people in the 21st century.

Besides, the Constitution was never intended to be interpreted so rigidly. As Howard Dean points out, the framers intended the Constitution and the Bill of Rights to used mainly as guidelines, rather than unalterable law.

In any event, we believe that new and even tougher gun control laws will eventually be enacted, once Alberto Gonzales and Scooter Libby are booted out of Washington D.C.

John:

Thank you ever so much for your time, Speaker Pelosi!

Satire by John W. Lillpop


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Of Ann Coulter Adam's Apple and Other Urgent Matters

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Of Ann Coulter's many outstanding physical attributes--long blond hair, crystal-blue eyes, drop-dead gorgeous smile, movie-star skin, and on and on--the one feature that really stands out is her Adam's Apple.

Adam's Apple? Who in Hades gives a tinker's dam about the Adam's Apple?

By the way, just what in Hades is the function of an Adam's Apple? Other than for gulping, just what does the hell does the Adam's Apple do to earn its keep?

Do we really need the damn thing, or is it a superfluous organ in the Divine scheme, piously known as "intelligent design?"

A brilliant idea from on high that simply did not work out?

Sort of like the brain given to liberals--not good enough to be on the A team, therefore, dysfunctional due to lack of use?

To understand where I am coming from, take a close look at Ann's Adam's Apple. It protrudes menacingly, in a sexy sort of way.

And when Ann breaks into uncontrollable laughter-- after exposing even more liberal hypocrisy--her Adam's Apple sort of gyrates, as if the damn thing is about to explode right through the most beautiful throat in political punditry.

It's an angry sort of expression, when you really get down to it.

To get to the bottom of this vastly underreported story, which is called Apple Gate in journalism circles, I assigned my undercover assistant, wolfebabe007, to do some basic research and report back to me.

True to her professional reputation, wolfebabe007 has provided the following executive summary about some of the better known political stars:

Teddy Kennedy:

Has several very large cocktail olives lodged in his throat. But no obvious sign of an Adams' Apple.

Bill Clinton:

To stave off a threatened lawsuit, Slick Willie had his Adam's Apple surgically transplanted into the throat of Monica Lewinsky. Further details are available to those who can prove they are at least 18 years old.

Nancy Pelosi:

Wrinkles and multiple layers of botox make it impossible to see if the Speaker actually has an Adam's Apple.


And what about America's favorite daughter, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton?

In the fine tradition of radical feminism, her Ladyship prefers to call it her Eve's Apple!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

More Out of Place at CPAC: Rudy Giuliani or Ann Coulter?

by John W. Lillpop

As the Ann Coulter "F" word scandal spreads from coast to coast, from Mexico to Canada, and throughout Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam, the moon, and other American territories and holdings, otherwise rational Republicans seem intent on throwing out the baby with the bath water.

After all, Ms. Coulter did not wish death on any opposite-minded foe as did Bill Mahler; she did not put on a phony southern accent and pretend that Ebonics is her native tongue as Hillary Clinton did, and she did not storm into Selma just to grab national media attention while pretending to be part of the historic civil rights struggle that began there 42 years ago, as Barack Obama did.

Most importantly, Ms. Coulter did not pretend to be a conservative as Rudy Giuliani did. Anyone who has studied Giuliani's record knows he is wrong on abortion, wrong on immigration, wrong on gay issues, and, in fact, wrong on nearly all issues important to conservatives.

The only thing Giuliani has going for him is this: He is not Hillary Clinton!

Other than that, a Giuliani presidency would be nearly as tragic for America as the past six years have been under the mindless Dubya.

As for Ann Coulter, at least the woman is consistently conservative. She is right, and always right, on all of the issues.

Those genuinely concerned about preserving conservative values should denounce Rudy Giuliani's liberalism, rather than hyperventilating over a harmless bit of satire from Ann Coulter!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Should Ann Coulter Be Burned Alive?

by John W. Lillpop

Does anyone in the PC-muddled world understand the satirical genesis behind Ann Coulter's "inappropriate" remark last week?

Does the name Isaiah Washington ring a bell?

Washington is a star of the television hit show "Grey's Anatomy," who called fellow actor T.R. Knight the "F" word.

As a result of that PC violation, Washington nearly lost his career. In fact, the beleaguered actor actually checked into rehab to seek treatment in order to quell the uproar.

Can you imagine? Use of an "offensive" word is of such gravity these days that one is compelled to enter rehabilitation, like an alcoholic or drug addict?

For uttering one word which, in abbreviated form, used to mean cigarette?

Mind you, Washington's sin did not involve any of the seven "dirty" words forbidden from use on U.S. airwaves by the FCC.

Alas, Ann Coulter was obviously referring to the entirely inappropriate, politically correct nonsense that Isaiah Washington stirred up when he used the "F" word.

As a brilliant satirist who delights in pummeling liberals at every turn, Ms. Coulter dropped a line that sailed way over the heads of her conservative audience and the mainstream media.

Above all else, it was a joke and NOT an "outing."

There will be no "film at 11," and with the exception of 3,823 empty tubes of Brell discovered on John Edward's multi-million dollar estate, Coulter has no corroborating evidence to share.

So, please, put away the kindling wood and gasoline.

Burning Ann Coulter at the stake, while it would be great fun for liberals and the media, is neither necessary nor "appropriate."

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Is Nancy Pelosi Too Liberal for America?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Now that Nancy Pelosi has shattered the gender barrier, glass ceiling, and incredulity index all in one fell swoop, Americans are starting to worry that she may be just a tad too liberal to be second in the succession line for the presidency.

After all, Comrade Nancy does hail from San Francisco—the only American city that tried to join the former USSR, but was rejected because Moscow found folks here too far to the left.

In order to calm the minds of those fearing the worse from Speaker-Queen Pelsoi, several common myths and exaggerations concerning San Francisco liberalism must be debunked.

Namely, contrary to popular belief, it is NOT:

* A felony to vote Republican in San Francisco, although it is a misdemeanor to register as a Democrat or Independent with the knowing intent of voting Republican at a future date;

* Against the law to fly Old Glory without a special permit--except on Cinco de Mayo day when the Mexican flag is preeminent, and must not be mocked with vulgar displays of excessive Americanism;

* A hate crime to speak English, except at fast-food restaurants, car washes, emergency rooms, and when speaking to Hispanics obviously here illegally;

* A violation to wear the uniform of the Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marines, unless one does so with an arrogant, “America First,” George W. Bush-type of belligerence.

* True that attending a Christian church will automatically cause one's property taxes to double. There is an appeals process.

* Required that job applicants prove that they are transvestite, gay, handicapped, and a racial minority to qualify. Any one of those qualifications will do.

* A major crime to work at Wal-Mart, provided one can prove he or she is an illegal alien from Mexico and a registered Democrat.

* Possible to get an abortion on those fabulous cable cars, but a woman's inalienable right to privacy may be may be arranged at most self-serve gas stations, progressive piano bars, and at Alcatraz Island after 6pm, except on Mother's Day.

* Enough to be a young Middle Eastern male who speaks Arabic in order to be considered a protected minority. In order to be so classified, one must have been arrested and charged with a terrorist act--- like attempting to move the Golden Gate Bridge to Seattle with an IED.

* Required that straight, white, employed Christian males notify the police 60 days before moving into a new neighborhood. 30 days is sufficient.

* Necessary to enroll as a dues-paying member of ACLU in order to secure a driver’s license. Licensees have 15 days in which to pay an ACLU initiation fee and swear allegiance to atheism, homosexuality, diversity, and liberalism.

* True that convicted sex offenders moving into San Francisco are automatically registered to vote as Democrats: They have 30 days in which to join the party and register.


Therefore, while liberalism is a severe mental disorder that will significantly influence Nancy Pelosi’s judgment, the good news is…. Heck, there is no good news!

Run for your bloody lives!

Al Gore's Oscar, Dick Cheney's Life, and Dubya's Phone Manners

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Pelosi Chats With John Lillpop

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has made headlines all over the world recently with her eyeball-to-eyeball conflagration with Vice President Dick Cheney. Pelosi actually wanted to have a heart-to-heart session, but the Veep smelled the obvious trap and declined.

The Speaker was in Hollywood on Sunday night for the Academy Awards, and she agreed to this interview on the Red Carpet:

John:

Well, again, Speaker Pelosi, thank you ever so much for taking time from your busy schedule to spend a few minutes chatting. What brings you to the Oscars?

Speaker Pelosi:

Nice to see you again, John. My main interest in being here tonight is to witness the transformation of the world by the 43rd president of the United States.

John:

Madam Speaker? I did not know that President Bush was scheduled to be here tonight.

Speaker Pelosi:

Oh, good grief, John! I mean the real winner of the 2000 election. Al Gore, the man who fell victim to that vast right wing conspiracy at the Supreme Court. The man who should be president!

John:

Oh, I see. Any particular reason why you came to see Mr. Gore?

Speaker Pelosi:

Of course. The man who should be the 43rd president of the United States is going to receive an Oscar for his magnificent movie. That honor will spark a worldwide revolution against politicians and business leaders who refuse to think green. Al Gore is about to change the world forever.

Besides, it's too flipping cold in both Washington and 'Frisco.

John:

That makes perfect sense.

Now, Madam Speaker, you, and Vice President Dick Cheney seem to be engaged in a personal war. Verbal charges and counter charges, back and forth.

What is that all about, Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

First of all, John let me make this perfectly clear. I was very upset by the recent attempt to assassinate Mr. Cheney. There is no place for that sort of action in our debate.

Secondly, I believe that the incident proves my point. Namely, that Al-Quaeda poses no legitimate threat to America or our allies. The entire issue is overblown.

John:

You believe that the attempted murder of a sitting vice president is just hype? What do you plan to do about it?

Speaker Pelosi:

Exactly right, John. The Cheney attempted murder was nothing more than a "crisis" staged by the White House to grab news headlines.

As far as what I plan to do about it, after the news broke I immediately called the president to complain about Cheney's grandstanding.

John:

And how did the president respond?

Speaker Pelosi:

He asked the basis for my complaint. That is when I told the president that Cheney faked a murder attempt because he knows that Democrats were about to announce major legislation to help poor Americans. Cheney clearly wanted to knock me off the front pages.

John:

New legislation? What is that Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, I was saving this for prime time news, but since Cheney hogged the airwaves, I guess I can tell you.

We Democrats have decided to rewrite the minimum wage law so that it applies to all military personnel as well as to those in private enterprise. Except for Tuna corporations headquartered in San Francisco, that is.

When fully implemented, everyone in the military will be paid the same--the minimum wage.

John:

But won't that do severe economic damage to the men and women who serve so bravely and heroically in the military? The people whose lives are on the line?

Speaker Pelosi:

Actually, worrying about those in uniform is pure rubbish! As John Kerry correctly pointed out, those in Iraq are the least bright and least educated in our society--we need to stop pandering to the less capable.

Besides, there is a huge income gap between what people in uniform earn and the real poor--especially the 30 million illegal aliens here from Mexico.

John:

How will cutting the income of brave American heroes help illegal aliens, Ms. Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Under the Democrats' plan, wasteful military incomes will be slashed and the savings will be used to buy health care insurance and education for illegal aliens.

It's a win-win for America!

John:

Wow! That is bold and creative. Did you share that plan with President Bush?

Speaker Pelosi:

Funny thing, that. I had just finished explaining to the president that the Cheney murder attempt was proof positive that I should have a fleet of 757 Air Force jets on call 24/7.

John:

And?

Speaker Pelosi:

Before I could get to my next point, the line went dead. I called back but the switchboard operator said the president complained of a throbbing headache and had gone to bed.

John:

So, what's next?

Speaker Pelosi:

I will call George again, first thing in the morning.

Like I say, "It is a new day in America!" and I mean it!

John:

Thank you for your time, Speaker Pelosi.



satirebylillpop

Speaker Pelosi Addresses Obesity Versus Hunger in America

By John Lillpop

Immediately after engineering the non-binding resolution on the floor of the U.S. House that provided victory for al-Qaeda, Speaker Pelosi boarded a commercial flight bound for San Francisco.

As a resident of the Bay Area, I was able to catch up with the Speaker after her flight arrived at SFO Airport. Pelosi graciously agreed to the following interview in the lounge at the airport.

John:
Welcome home, Speaker Pelosi. You have been making a lot of news over these past several weeks!

Speaker Pelosi:
Thank you, John. Yes, we promised a new day in America and we are living up to our promises! The best is yet to come.

John:
Do you worry that the American public will see this as a partisan "piling on" against President Bush? More of a personal vendetta than a professional policy dispute?

Speaker Pelosi:
Not at all. I have always said that George W. Bush seems like an affable, good-natured sort of guy. I would not want my sister to marry a Bush, but that is another story.

My problem with the president has nothing to do with personalities--we hate Bush because he is so damn stupid.

John:
Thank you for clarifying that, Speaker Pelsoi.

Now, Madam Speaker, one of the hottest issues of the day is obesity versus hunger.

On the one hand, we are warned that obesity threatens to deliver an epidemic of medical problems like diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and on and on. The California legislature has jumped into the fray and is legislating what foods can and cannot be sold at schools. Governments all across the nation are passing laws to eliminate Trans fats.

On the other hand, we are told that hunger has never been higher and that millions of children go to bed hungry every night.

From your perspective, what is the truth?

Speaker Pelosi:
Actually, the answer is pretty much the same as the money problem in America. Namely, all the wrong people have the food these days.

Although I do not have the exact numbers in front of me, John, I am sure that most fat people are Republicans, people of means who have everything handed to them.

By the same token, people who go hungry are almost always Democrats and people of color. It's the insidious "Haves versus have nots," again.

John:
So what is the solution? Is there a reasonable solution?

Speaker Pelosi:
Well, Senator Reid and I have drafted new legislation to face the issue head on.

Here is how it will work. Luxury foods and beverages like low-fat hamburger, caviar, and expensive wines are bought and consumed exclusively by white Republican Christians.

As a result, those luxury products will be subjected to a "Health and Happiness" surcharge. Scores of billions of dollars in extra revenue will thus flow into the federal coffers.

We will then take that surcharge money for a new food stamp program. Eligibility requirements are as follows: Applicants must be a "people of color" minority, non-English speaking, non-citizens. Preferences will be given to those who are here illegally, those who look like terrorists, gays and transvestites, and Islamic extremists.

John:
Wow. That seems quite comprehensive. But what about the discrimination through racial profiling built into your food stamp program? Is this not blatant discrimination?

Speaker Pelosi: (Giggling)
Heavens no, John. This is affirmative action, San Francisco style!

John:
Thank you for your time, Speaker Pelosi.

Speaker Pelosi:
Not at all. Thank you, John.


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Nancy Pelosi, Air Travel Excesses, and "Military Free" San Francisco

Satire by John W. Lillpop

As nearly everyone knows, Speaker Nancy Pelosi hails from San Francisco, the most liberal-infested city in all of America.

The Sodom and Gomorrah of contemporary civilization. The antithesis to logic, reason, rule of law, and rational Republicanism.

That would be the same San Francisco that recently refused to allow the USS Iowa to dock in local waters because of local opposition to the war in Iraq. *

The same wacky city in which the school board voted to keep ROTC off school campuses because, in the words of former teacher Nancy Mancias, "We need to teach a curriculum of peace." **

The same city in which Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval actually said, “We don’t need the U.S. Military” and “I am not in favor of a standing army." ***

Despite intense anti-military sentiment in San Francisco, Speaker Pelosi wants the United States military to fly she and a cast of thousands back and forth between Washington, D.C. and San Francisco on a regular basis.

Of all the bloody cheek!

In order to meet the Speaker's zany request, it would be necessary for the military to divert the equivalent of a 757 from legitimate government purposes, just to fly a "Socialist Think Tank" 3,000 miles. One way.

On top of the extraordinary expense, authorities would have to keep a real close watch on Gerardo Sandova to guard against a reckless act that might jeopardize U.S. military aircraft in San Francisco airspace.

Of course, the burning question that must be asked in light of Pelosi's immodest request is: Why are the Board of Supervisors and local anarchists not protesting Pelosi's plans to jump in bed, figuratively speaking, with the military?

Might it have to something to do with the thousands of money sacks stuffed with U.S. treasury that Pelosi is expected to bring to San Francisco vultures via that 757?

Minority-party Republicans have a moral--indeed constitutional--obligation to provide opposition "oversight" to protect America from Pelosi and her socialist conniving.

In that regard, several pertinent questions and alternatives must be examined:

* Until now, Pelosi has managed with far less elaborate accommodations. What justifies this quantum leap?

* In this era of advanced technology and communications, why is the Speaker not relying on e-mail, voice mail, the Internet, and cell phones instead of fuel-guzzling air travel?

Perhaps Pelosi should forego her next six plastic surgeries in favor of a tech makeover in Silicon Valley?

* As Speaker, Pelosi is now much higher in the presidential pecking order and should spend most, if not all, of her time in Washington, D.C.

Why not put Pelosi up in an inexpensive Motel 6 studio, within walking distance of the capitol, where she could stay 24/7 except for federal holidays?

* Pelosi claims that a large aircraft is needed for non-stop flights. But recently deposed Speaker Dennis Hastert was required to take flights with stops.

Why is that not good enough for Pelosi?

* Given Pelosi's bleeding heart, would it not be more humane, and politically correct, to give money to homeless people, illegal aliens, and other unwashed poor folk, rather than wasting funds on lavish accommodations for the liberal elite?

Bottom Line: California does not need a Pelosi presence in the state. Ever.

After all, we have a state government comprised mostly of Democrats who are quite capable of driving California into bankruptcy and complete moral decadence without the bug-eyed Speaker of the U.S. House!


* Go Here:

** Go here:


*** Go Here:


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!