Speaker Pelosi Discusses Scooter Libby, Alberto Gonzales, and Guns

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Nancy Pelosi continues to make headlines with her revolutionary views and attitudes.

I recently caught up with the speaker at Pier 39 in San Francisco where she was fishing for a pet shark. She kindly agreed to the following interview.

John:

Well, good afternoon, Madam Speaker. So very good to see you again! Any bites?

Speaker Pelosi:

Good to see you again as well, John.

Regrettably, the only bites so far are to my backside, and those were inflicted by those darn southern Blue Dogs!

John:

So sorry, Speaker Pelosi. How about the anti-war leftists--they are putting pressure on as well are they not?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, yes, to a certain extent.

But the difference is that most of the anti-war folks are from California--plus they are 100 percent right! We need to get out of Iraq before the American people start blaming Democrats for Bush's folly.

John:

I understand. We have had some really big news recently, starting with the guilty verdict for Scooter Libby. How does that verdict sit with you?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, of course he was guilty. Good heavens, who in the world could doubt the word of Tim Russert? That man is an institution and certainly more credible than anyone working in the Bush White House.

John:

So you are opposed to a presidential pardon for Libby?

Speaker Pelosi:

Yes. In fact, I believe that President Bush should recuse himself if a pardon request is filed.

John:

But that would effectively deny Libby a constitutional remedy available to U.S. citizens. Surely that would be unfair, even to a member of the Bush administration?

Speaker Pelosi:

Not really. Although I am not a constitutional scholar, I believe that the president's pardon authority could be delegated to the next individual in the chain of command.

John:

But with all due respect, Madam Speaker, that would place the matter in the hands of Dick Cheney. Doesn't he have an even greater conflict of interest when it comes to Libby?

Speaker Pelosi:

Of course he does, which is why we Democrats would insist that Cheney recuse himself as well.

John:

Then what, Ms. Speaker? The next in line would be...the Speaker of the House.

Are you saying that any pardon request for Libby should be adjudicated by yourself?

Speaker Pelosi:

Uh, well, you know, I had not really thought it through. But I guess you are right--I would have to decide the issue for America.

John:

And how would you handle it? Could you be fair?

Speaker Pelosi:

Fair? Absolutely!

We would give Libby his day in court--and then we would ship his corrupt rear to Leavenworth.

John:

But that sounds so spiteful. Doesn't America stand for true objectivity and higher principles of law in dealing with the accused?

Speaker Pelosi:

Right again, John. I am thinking we could probably work out something with Libby. You know, an unconditional pardon in exchange for some good juicy testimony against Dick Cheney and or George Bush.

After all, this IS America--I am sure we would be able to find a democratic way to send Cheney to jail in Libby's place.

John:

I guess I understand, Madam Speaker.

The next big issue concerns Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Mr. Gonzales is facing calls for his resignation from folks like Senators Clinton and Schumer.

My question, Madam Speaker: Do these attacks have their roots in racism? After all, Gonzales is Hispanic.

Speaker Pelosi:

In all honesty, John, while it is true that Gonzales is a Mexican, he is entirely the wrong kind of Mexican.

For example, most real Mexicans with law degrees stay in their barrio communities to help disadvantaged Mexicans get out of trouble.

In other words, educated Mexicans with good hearts become DUI defense attorneys. Or they fight for illegal aliens against deportation and other injustices. Clearly, Alberto Gonzales is not of that ilk.

John:

But Gonzales is a licensed attorney. Are you challenging his credentials to practice law?

Speaker Pelosi:

All I am really saying, John, is that we need to be very careful about folks who hail from Texas, are friends of George Bush, and who claim to have risen to heights uncommon for people from sullied socio-economic backgrounds.

Remember Harriet Miers? Bush tried to snooker the Senate into placing a lottery queen on the U.S. Supreme Court!

But we smoked him out on that one, and we must do likewise with this Gonzales character.

John:

But what about Silvestre Reyes, the Democrat who is your Chairman of the Intelligence Committee?

It is reported that Reyes does not even know the difference between a Sunni and Shia. Is he qualified for the job, or is he there only because he is of Mexican descent?

Speaker Pelosi:

John, you must be getting your news from right-wing extremist outlets like CQ or ABC, for heaven's sake.

QC distorted the Reyes interview completely, and did so with malice. To begin with, the interview was conducted in English, an obvious attempt to confuse Mr. Reyes into saying something he did not fully understand.

As it turns out, in Spanish Sunni means Shia, and Shia means Sunni, or something like that.

The point is that Silvestre Reyes is a former border patrol man who knows a terrorist when he sees one--whether or not the terrorist is Sunni or Shia is just superfluous pap not vital to homeland security.

John:

Good point, Madam Speaker. Now what about that big set back for gun control in Washington, D.C., where an appeals court ruled that the anti-gun law was in violation of the 2nd amendment. Your response?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, of course, all Americans of good will and high intelligence are outraged that activist judges would let the archaic Constitution interfere with good urban law.

We must never forget that the Constitution is over 220 years old. America has changed a lot in those 220 years, and it is our duty to make laws that address the needs of contemporary people in the 21st century.

Besides, the Constitution was never intended to be interpreted so rigidly. As Howard Dean points out, the framers intended the Constitution and the Bill of Rights to used mainly as guidelines, rather than unalterable law.

In any event, we believe that new and even tougher gun control laws will eventually be enacted, once Alberto Gonzales and Scooter Libby are booted out of Washington D.C.

John:

Thank you ever so much for your time, Speaker Pelosi!

Satire by John W. Lillpop


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!