satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Fighting Food, Medical Fraud, and the Fat Fairy

By John W. Lillpop

Unlike most red-necked conservative intellectuals living in the Bay Area, I have never found it particularly difficult to "watch" my weight.

With a size 50 waist, three or more double chins, and a neck size scarcely below triple digits, how in Hades can I NOT watch my weight?

After years of battling neurotic doctors, "ideal weight" charts pushed by corporate interests intent on earning windfall profits from a man-made pandemic of expensive-to-treat anexoria, and scales that lie without shame, I have finally surrendered.

Effective immediately, in the best interests of my fragile sanity, I will no longer weight myself, or allow myself to be weighed.

Period, end of discussion.

Consider the relevant facts, please.

Weighing one's self can lead to depression, anxiety, and fat. In fact, politicians could do the public far more good by outlawing scales instead of worrying about Trans-fats, cholesterol, salt, carbohydrates, and other innocuous items in the diet of all normal Americans.

Think about the mental games one plays when engaged in the Fit or Fat numbers game:

On the odd occasion when the scale actually shows a weight loss, one's food -addicted brain immediately sends a crazy message to one's stomach that goes something like this:

"Bravo! and Sayonara to being fat. This is cause for celebration, so bring on a few five-pound boxes of fudge and as much buttered popcorn as can be stuffed into the family min-van and a U-Haul trailer!"

If, on the other hand, the scale reveals a weight gain, one's scheming brain sends the following distorted message to one's weight management center:

"Idiot! Just as we warned you, it is hopeless and a complete waste of time to even try to lose weight! To hell with celery sticks and water.

"Bring on a dozen BBQed short ribs, three pounds of mashed potatoes smothered in real butter, and any fudge and popcorn not consumed this morning when you celebrated that short-lived weight loss!"

And so it is in the wild and wacky world of weight management, or mismanagement to be more precise.