San Francisco Liberals Like Bernie Ward Give Alcoholics a Bad Name

Satire By John W. Lillpop

San Francisco liberals have never been encumbered by the obsession to wallow excessively in untarnished truth, especially when doing so might exacerbate whatever legal and or political quandaries are before them.

Take the case of Mayor Gavin Newsom. A couple of years ago, America's most immoral and reckless mayor got mixed up romantically with a subordinate who also happened to be the wife of a very close associate.

Even in the morally corrupt city of San Francisco, Newsom's meandering was frowned upon.

Rather than doing the decent thing by resigning, the mayor threw his hands up in the air and declared that his problems were rooted in a heretofore-undisclosed problem with alcoholism.

The mayor, you see, alleged that he was a helpless victim of the pernicious bubbly. His adulterous impulses were only aroused when he was sufficiently stewed.

Being the naive nincompoops that they are, San Francisco residents forgave the mayor for partaking too freely of stew and sex in San Francisco's all-gold City Hall.

Therefore, Da Mayor remains in office to this day, free to shield illegal alien felons from deportation and other foolish anti-American acts, which can only harm the citizens of San Francisco.

Now we have word that Bernie Ward, Catholic priest turned radio talk host, turned child pornographer, is also using the "I am a victim of alcohol!" ploy as his defense while he labors to keep his jail time under a decade.

This after the portly leftist finally came to grips with the fact that viewing and distributing Kiddy porn in order to write a book on hypocrisy was too fanciful a defense, even in crazy San Francisco.

Barring a leap of no-faith off the Golden Gate bridge, the next big event in Bernie Ward's life comes next Thursday, August 28, when the deposed Lion of the Left will be formally sentenced to a human cage.

Prosecutors have recommended a nine-year sentence, while lawyers of Ward seek a five stay at the Big House.

Ward is also seeking a special dispensation from prison officials which would allow him to host "Cell Talk," a nightly call-in chat show with pedophiles, child pornographers, and other wayward Catholics.

When you stop to think about it, the nine-year gig would actually be most beneficial for Ward, because it would provide the greatest amount of time for him to work on and eradicate that alcoholism bug which has smitten him so unexpectedly, but so dramatically.