Filling Hillary's Shoes

Satire By John W. Lillpop

It is now official: Hillary Rodham Clinton has been demoted to the position of Secretary of State. In that capacity, she will report to a young black man who will occupy the Oval Office, a government edifice that should rightfully be her exclusive domain until at least 2012, and preferably 2016.

However, instead of running the White House as she did from January 1993 to January 2001, Hillary will have to be content with being just another cabinet member in the administration of America's second African-American president.

All of which leaves New York Governor David Paterson in the unenviable position of filling Hillary's shoes in the United States Senate.

Paterson will be forced to walk a very thin tight-rope to assure that a competent, yet politically correct, senator is sent to represent New York state, especially since competency has been woefully missing since January, 2001.

Opel Bijiquiovarti, our intrepid belt way insider, reports(on the condition of anonymity), that Governor Paterson will be looking for the following qualities in Hillary's successor:

Honest, But Flexible

According to the governor, holding a position of public trust requires one to be honest, but not excessively so. Politics is all about compromise and negotiation, so it is important that the new senator understand that truth is a commodity that must be used prudently, and sparingly in order to best meet the needs of New York citizens.

The ideal candidate for Hillary's job will be a political veteran will the ability to give the impression that the unvarnished truth is being disclosed, while adroitly dancing away from facts too hot to handle.

In order to be a serious candidate, the applicant's dossier must include at least one perjury conviction while in a position of power.

Liberal Credentials

America has been literally inundated by a blue tsunami, with Democrats in control of the White House, both chambers of the U.S. Congress, and plenty of state houses as well.

In simple terms, the good ship America has a new captain who understands only how to use the leftward rudders.

To be a good senator, Governor Paterson believes that one must be a dedicated liberal with a proven record of raising taxes, making American sovereignty subservient to the United Nations, inviting as many illegal aliens as possible into the country to "grow" the rolls of registered Democrats, and in favor of expanding the privacy rights of women to include post-birth procedures for brats who manage to wiggle out of the womb despite the best efforts of the abortionist in charge.

Protesting America's involvement in the Vietnam War while a student in England is considered a major "plus" in satisfying this criteria.

Modest Morality

Because he is blind, black, and bellicose, Governor Paterson has been a highly attractive target for those who hold to unnecessarily high standards of morality and ethics.

Which is why the governor has faced a number of petty accusations including marital infidelity, involvement with drugs, including non-inhaled marijuana, and other actions taken to force the governor to take his defective eyes off the ball--namely, the best interests of the people of New York.

The successful applicant must have a reputation as a sex addict, adulterer, and abuser of government property for securing and delivering sexual pleasure. Being the defendant in a major harassment lawsuit involving high political office is a definite plus.

Again, the major objective is to avoid embarrassing Governor Paterson by unflattering comparison.


Black or Black Avenger

Given the nation's obsession with all things black, the applicant must be an African-American, or be known as one who, through advocacy and ideology, is, in essence, a black.

For example, a white southern dude who is known as the "first black" whatever, would be ideal.


And the Winner Is..






After studiously evaluating all of the criteria and viable candidates, Governor Paterson has reportedly reached a decision.

Opel Bijiquiovarti reports that the governor intends to name former President Bill Clinton to the U.S. Senate seat that will become vacant when Hillary Clinton is sworn is as Secretary of State in January.

Think about the stated criteria and answer this question: Who could possibly be more qualified that Bill Clinton?