satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Holiday Greetings to Citigroup and General Motors

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Greetings and best wishes for a joyful and bountiful holiday season, my Fellow Americans!

To those at Citigroup, to whom I am obligated to pay $300 a month for the rest of my life, congratulations on that $20 billion bail out from you pals at the U.S. Treasury.

Please pay no pay attention to the naysayers who oppose your good fortune. After all, this is the season of miracles and whom is more deserving of a virgin birth sort of blessing than the good folks at Citigroup?

In keeping with the spirit of the season, my purpose in writing is to advise you that I will no longer be able to make my monthly payment on Citigroup account 2008SCREWUSAxxxx, effective immediately.

As you are obviously aware, times are tough and I have not been as prudent with my finances as I should have been. I am sure that you understand where that can lead.

Under normal circumstances, I would feel embarrassed and even humiliated at defaulting on my obligations. I might even apologize.

However, since that $20 billion bailout you co-opted from Henry Paulson includes my hard earned tax dollars, to my way of thinking Citigroup can take that $30,000 I owe out of the check that Hank is sending!

As far as I am concerned, we will then be "even."

By the way, I understand that the $20 billion is really a "loan" that will have to be re-paid. I trust that your pal Henry is charging you 25 percent annual interest, just like Citigroup charges hard-working Americans?

On to my friends at General Motors and the dudes that sold me that "loaded" 2009 SUV Acadia that you let me steal for $55,000.

Great vehicle that, and now that the oil market has collapsed, three miles per gallon is not all that bad.

In fact, with gasoline now available for around $2.82 a gallon, I could almost afford the monthly payments, the first of which is due next week, were it for the $65 per hour labor charge that my GM dealer charges me to change the oil.

In addition, Governor Schwarzenegger and the other vipers in the California assembly are going to triple the annual registration fee for SUVs like my precious Acadia!

It's all too much, GM buddies!

After due deliberation, including consideration of bankruptcy, I have decided to default on my payments, beginning with # 1.

I have decided on this course because GM is not going to be bailed out by the government and is sure to fail.

Under the circumstances, sending GM even the first payment would be a classic example of "good money chasing bad," so I won't!

By the way, I decided against filing for bankruptcy after hearing GM executives argue against that option for GM itself. Thank you for the great advise.

As they say, "What's good for GM, Is Good for America," so I have decided to simply follow your lead!

To Citigroup and GM, Happy Holidays and may prosperity find your sorry butts in 2009!