satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Ann Coulter Urgently Needed in White House

By John W. Lillpop

Not so very long ago, White House political strategist Karl Rove was considered a political genius, a virtuoso who could do no wrong.

Blessed with an IQ too robust to measure, Rove was like a balding version of Harry Potter--a wizard on a mission to save the Republican party.

Only an improbable combination of genius and wizardry would explain Rove's masterful feat in getting George W. Bush elected President of the United States, and reelected to boot.

Without magic wands, incantations, and complex curses at his command, there is no way that Rove would stand a chance at winning with a candidate who is unable to string two cogent sentences back-to-back, who creates words like "Hispanically" and "strategery," and who makes your cross-eyed, demented aunt sound presidential.

Unfortunately for Rove, the snake pit that is Washington, D.C., has whittled him down to size, at least with respect to influence, if not girth.

No longer in the same league as Harry Potter, Rove has assumed the persona of Voldermort, AKA public enemy number one.

Rove's failures include alienating the Republican base, and losing both the U.S. House and Senate to the dreaded Democrats. That is not cool for the resume of a highly touted political strategist.

About the only positive news for Rove is that he was not indicted by Patrick Fitzgerald in the Valerie Plame non-scandal that has Scooter Libby at such loose ends.

However, Rove is not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination: Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) announced his intent to issue a subpoena, with the name Rove prominently inscribed thereon.

Which means that Rove will be required to testify under oath, an act that sounds alarm bells in the heads of those who worry about matters like perjury, obstruction of justice, and jail time. Ask Scooter Libby.

Rove's ongoing issues are not good news to the Bush legacy-making machine, an enterprise that is quickly running out of time.

At it now stands, George W. Bush is widely perceived as a dyslexic cowboy with a history of alcoholism who resembles Adolph Hitler more than Winston Churchill, and who is more of a threat to world peace than Osama bin Laden, North Korean President Kim Yong Il, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, combined.

Which is not a pretty package to leave behind for liberal historians to sort out.

Clearly, it will take Herculean efforts to remake Duyba into a Mister Rogers clone between now and January 20, 2009.

Just as clearly, Karl Rove needs to vacate the White House premises as soon as possible.

To replace Rove, Bush needs a young, intellectually gifted, well-educated, sophisticated, flame-throwing conservative who can take the heat off the president long enough to allow his legacy dream team to do its job.

Bush's new political strategist at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue should be a well-known, widely hated conservative figure who can distract the enemy (Democrats and the liberal media) while the president and his team tend to the nation's urgent business.

Bush needs a person who can combine a withering wit, acerbic tongue, and "take no prisoners" attitude with an uncanny ability to create an impromptu media firestorm, when needed. And one who can do so with obvious delight and outlandish humor.

Where might the president find such a talented and radioactive purveyor of ill will? One that Democrats and the media already hate more than Bush and Rove combined?

Does the name Ann Coulter ring a bell?

What a perfect choice to serve as the White House political strategist for the final two years of the Bush presidency!

As an added bonus, Ann is a beautiful blond, with crystal blue eyes, a drop-dead gorgeous smile, and the temperament of a rattlesnake in heat.

Ann Coulter: America needs you in the White House!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.