A Politically Incorrect Press Release About Ted Kennedy's Medical Condition

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Doctors and nurses at Massachusetts General Hospital released a meaningless press release late Friday afternoon designed to cover-up the antics and reckless behavior of Senator Ted Kennedy while at that institution.

The verbatim press release text released by the hospital is given below and is augmented by a non-PC translation for the benefit of non-democrats:


Press Release:

"Senator Kennedy is resting comfortably and is in good spirits following surgery to repair a partially blocked artery in his neck."

Non-PC Translation:

Kennedy was falling down drunk--"in good spirits"-- and, in fact, did collapse. Four nurses and an illegal alien janitor were needed to move the intoxicated frame of the grossly overweight senator to a drunk tank where he passed out.

It is assumed that Kennedy is resting comfortably, but if not, so what? Who gives a damn?

Press Release:

"Kennedy underwent a hour-long procedure at Massachusetts General Hospital on Friday morning to repair his left carotid artery - a major supplier of blood to the neck and head. That artery was 70 percent blocked."

Non-PC Translation:

Surgeons removed three cocktail olives and a bar napkin bearing the inscription "Katy's Out Service " from the artery of Massachusetts' senior senator.

Press Release:

"By Friday afternoon, Senator Kennedy was sitting up, eating ice cream and drinking ginger ale. He planned to watch the Red Sox game Friday night."

Non-PC Translation:

By late Friday night, Kennedy was ready to start all over again. Using his bedside phone, Kennedy called a local liquor store (he knew the phone number by memory) and ordered two fifths of bourbon, a gallon of vodka, ice, a funnel, a cocktail pitcher, and three barf bags.

Asked about the alcohol supply, Kennedy answered that he has never tasted ginger ale and has no desire to ever do so, and that he hates baseball, especially the Boston Red Sox!

Press Release:

"Immediately before his surgery, the senator appeared to be struggling for his life and requested that a Catholic priest be summoned for Last Rites.

"The senator appeared to be in good spirits following confession and the Last Rites ceremony, and was resting comfortably."

Non-PC Translation:

Because of Kennedy's support for baby killers, no Catholic priest could be found to deliver Last Rites. Kennedy's personal priest was reportedly at an overnight sleep out for young boys and was unavailable.

Instead of Last Rites, Kennedy decided to down a couple of pitchers of stiff doubles and meet his maker on his own (Kennedy's) terms.

Lead by the spirits, the senator opened up his soul and confessed to murdering Mary Jo Kopechne and screwing the American people for more than 40 years. Kennedy passed out (again) and was presumed to be resting comfortably until he was wheeled into surgery.

Press Release:

"After a very brief recovery period, Senator Kennedy will resume his normal schedule in Washington and in Massachusetts," his spokesperson said.


Non-PC Translation:

All bartenders and bar- maids servicing Washington, D.C. and Boston clubs are advised to resume a full work schedule starting Monday morning. Senator Kennedy does not want any interruption in his supply of "good spirits!"

Welcome back Teddy, and here's to your good health (not)!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.