Of Manny Ramirez, Anxious SF Giants Fans, & the Golden Gate Bridge

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Die-hard fans of the Los Angeles Dodgers were delighted to learn that the club had acquired superstar Manny Ramirez in a three way trade with the Boston Red Sox and Pittsburgh Pirates.

With Ramirez in the lineup this weekend, the Dodgers whipped the Arizona Diamondbacks twice in three tries, to move back to within one game of first place in the National League West.

Manny smashed two dingers (home runs) and now has eight hits in 13 at-bats since joining the Dodgers on Friday last. His arrival should make the Dodgers the favorite to win the NL West pennant, especially since star pitcher Brad Penny is slated to resume his position in the starting rotation later this week against San Francisco.

Rafael Furcal, shortstop and spiritual guru for the Men in Blue, will rejoin the team at the start of September, another move that should help Da Bums make the playoffs, and more, this season.

Think about it: In the most critical "dog days" of summer, Los Angeles will have added an All Star pitcher and two future Hall of Fame position players to the roster.

What is that you say? Sounds like a sixth World Series Championship headed to the LA Dodgers' trophy case?

Perhaps, but after the colossal choke-job by the San Francisco Giants in the 2002 World Series, it's wise not to count championship rings before the fourth series victory is final, and indelibly entered in the record books.

Meanwhile, speaking of San Francisco, the sad sack Giants continue to march relentlessly toward their fourth consecutive losing season. And while the Los Angeles Dodgers have won five world championships, the San Francisco Giants have never had that honor.

Given the generation divide between players in their 20s and 40s on this roster, the 2008 Giants resemble a father-son entry in a fast-pitch beer league, rather than a bonafide team in the National League.

Now that Barry Bonds is no longer a Giant, the only reason for going out to AT&T Park is to watch once-arrogant Giants' fans grovel in drunken misery as the losses for their beloved G-men keep piling up!

Enterprising taxi cab drivers are cashing in by offering one-way, discount fares from the ball yard straight away to the nearest vacant ledge on the Golden Gate Bridge (GGB) from which disgusted Giants fans can drown their sorrows, and selves, in one final act of desperation.

Fans intent on ending it all are cautioned to do so before the seventh inning to avoid traffic jams and long jumping lines on the bridge.

After finally conceding that the 2008 Giants are not headed for post-season play, team management appears committed to proving that the San Francisco Giants can lose 100 games without a 44 year old cripple and indicted steroids addict in left field.

Why spend $20 million a year on an alleged steroids junkie and perjurer when left field can be turned over to a 21-year old illegal alien drug dealer from Mayor Gavin Newsom's sanctuary city?

After all, convicted felons shielded from deportation by Mayor Newsom's goofy program will play for minimum wage plus commissions earned by selling dope to distressed fans seeking refuge under the bleachers while waiting for cabs to the GGB.

There is another terrific reason to visit AT&T Park: 2008 marks the 50th anniversary of the great move from New York and Brooklyn by Horace Stoneham of the Giants and Walter O'Malley of the Dodgers, who escaped to San Francisco and Los Angeles, respectively, in the greatest scandal involving child abandonment ever recorded in the long and storied history of baseball.

Above all else, Happy Anniversary New York and Brooklyn!