The Barney Frank Wish List for Reallocating Defense Funds

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Representative Barney Frank recently announced his ideas for saving the American people hundreds of billions of dollars each year by cutting military spending at least twenty five percent.

Although his proposed cuts were widely publicized, mainstream media failed to mention how liberal Frank would re-allocate those funds.

Through illegal wire-tapping and other devious means authorized personally by President Bush and Pat Robertson, this reporter has secured the "Barney Frank Wish List" from anonymous sources.

Herewith, then, how Barney Frank plans to take $150 billion a year from defense and homeland security and spend that money on urgently needed domestic programs:


The Barney Frank Wish List For Reallocating Defense Funds


*Establish a new Gay Awareness and Pride (GAP) national holiday. Keep costs in check by eliminating Memorial Day;

($10 Billion)

* Sponsor a Human Sexuality and Modern Technology global summit to answer these burning questions,

"Can Cloning Technology Replace Heterosexual Sex As a Tool for Procreation?" and

"Can Cloning Solve the Under Population Crisis Among Gays and Lesbians?"

($75 billion)

*Develop and distribute a new, fully illustrated educational pamphlet titled, " Inherent Pitfalls and Dangers of Heterosexuality," for use in eradicating homophobia in pre-school youth two years and above;

($50 Billion)

*Amend No Child Left Behind legislation to mandate the use of the common cucumber as a vital teaching tool for all classes K-12. No exceptions.

($55 Billion)

*Revise Affirmative Action statutes and IRS tax laws to require that at least ten percent of all federally sponsored adoptions be awarded to same-sex couples.

($60 Billion.)

Note: Funds shortfall to be fixed through elimination of tax-exempt status for Southern Baptists and other anti-gay right-wing cabals!

A tip to the Republican National Committee: If you folks really want to win the November 4 election, just follow Barney Frank around and make sure that all of his proposals are publicized and understood by American voters!