Surviving Until January 21 Without Committing Murder or Suicide

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Looking for a quick, safe way to restore your decimated 401(k) and other asset accounts to pre-September 15, 2008 levels?

Given the media blitz on tap for the next five days to commemorate the birth of Martin Luther King and the death of America through deification of Barack Obama, a prudent chap could make a fortune by hawking barf bags.

Wretched souls who cannot escape browsing, watching, listening to, or reading mainstream media accounts between now and January 21 will find barf bags indispensable for survival in a society gone barking mad.

Such unfortunates will be easy marks for price gouging as the intensity of the great liberal Dumbing Down of 2009 increases, leading to the inauguration of America's first non-citizen Marxist to the U.S. Presidency.

It is simply amazing what $750 million dollars, massive voter fraud, and a mainstream media with "thrills" running up and down their legs can do to promote a former community organizer with little or no accomplishment of note to his credit.

Which is not meant as a slight to Barack Obama.

Being "Clean and Articulate" is way cool, although it seems hardly enough to warrant a gig in the Oval Office.

Schemes for profiting from the demise of America include selling pin lapels reading, "This Too Shall Pass!",
"Don't Blame Me--I Voted None of The Above!", and "Change Spelled Backwards Is Egnahc!", whatever the hell that means!

Coping strategies for conservatives include hiding all weapons, sharp objects, toxic cleaning agents, and other devices that could be used to inflict bodily harm on another person, on one's own self, or to destroy televisions, radios, computers, FAX machines, and the like.

To the patriot who ultimately loses control and ends up choking to death that idiot neighbor with "CHANGE!" tattooed on his forehead, a word of optimism: With liberal ding bats now in control, the death penalty will probably be abolished and parole guidelines liberalized to accommodate the murderer rather than the murder victim.

With any luck, you could be paroled in time to campaign against Obama in 2012!

More cheery news: As a convicted felon, you will be automatically registered to vote. The only catch being that you will have to commit to vote Democrat for the rest of your life!

And now if you will excuse me, I intend to retreat to a neighborhood tavern, plop down my American Express card, and advise the tender of bars to "let me know when that is gone!"

I shall return next Wednesday or when my credit line is exhausted, whichever comes first!