W's January Surprise

Satire By John W. Lillpop


With most of the world anxiously awaiting the president’s announcement concerning new plans for the war in Iraq, beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti reports that Bush will rock America and all of the world with a “January Surprise.”

According to Bijiquiovarti, the following is the final transcript of the speech that Bush will deliver from the Oval Office next Wednesday evening:

“Good evening, fellow Americans. Laura and I extend our best wishes for a happy and healthy new year to each and every American.

On November 7, 2006, America showed the world why we are the greatest and most blessed nation in human history.

For on that otherwise ordinary Tuesday in November, the principles of freedom, rule of law, and self-determination were exercised by tens of millions of patriotic Americans who voted in free and open elections.

Without a single shot being fired, the American people demanded a massive change in government: Republicans in power were to be replaced by Democrats.

For Republicans, including your president, that message was a disappointment. We Republicans have worked hard to serve the American people and believe we succeeded, for the most part.

Nonetheless, I respect the will of the people and will abide by their judgments. That is what the U.S. Constitution requires me to do, and it is the right thing to do as well.

Immediately after the results of the election became clear, I began implementing the will of the people.

On November 8, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield was allowed to resign in order that a new direction could be pursued in Iraq.

Later that month, John Bolton was permitted to resign as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and Ken Mehlman was replaced as Republican National Committee Chairman.

Just last week, Harriet Miers left the White House and returned to Texas to oversee the state lottery. Laura and I wish Harriet the best, and are willing to bet the ranch that she will do a great job.

Note, please, that none of these changes were specifically called for by the November 7 elections.

But because I have always been a unifier rather than a divider, I have expanded my policy of preemptive strikes to include urgent domestic issues, where possible, without sacrificing principles.

In keeping with that policy decision and to further demonstrate my commitment to the will of the people, I am announcing the most dramatic change of all, a move that is unprecedented in American history.

I am announcing here and now, that I, George W. Bush, president of the United States, have changed my political affiliation from Republican to Democrat, effective immediately!

To cynics in the media and jaded politicians on both sides of the aisle, do not misinterpret this as a political act of desperation, or a public relations ploy.

Let the truth reverberate load and clear: George W. Bush has changed his long-held political allegiance in order to accommodate the will of the American people.

Period!

For my new Democratic colleagues, please rest assured that we already share many common goals and ideals.

Indeed, when it comes to illegal immigration, open borders, bilingual everything, coddling Muslims, No Child Left Behind, trillions for new entitlement programs, out-of-control spending, and massive federal debts, I have been a dedicated liberal for several years.

Of course, we do differ on the war in Iraq.

In this regard, as the new leader of the Democrat party, I hereby order Speaker Pelosi and Senate Leader Reid to join me in embracing the “surge” strategy that America needs to win the war on terror.

Finally, in order to manage a smooth transition of my administration from Republican to Democrat, I have asked Howard Dean to replace Karl Rove in the White House, also effective immediately.

As your new Democrat president, I promise to work tirelessly for the American people in pursuit of goals that will advance the interests of America and its people, in the most leftward direction humanly possible.

Thank you.”

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.