G. W. Bush Will Run for President Again!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

To say that Washington politicians speak in stealth, and without apparent transparency, would itself be a perfect example of code-speak.

The fact is that most of what is said for public consumption in Washington has at least one possible alternative meaning. "Plausible Deniability" is an obvious ploy to shield public servants should overexposure to the light of day threaten to wreak havoc on previous assertions.

So it was with that cynical perspective that I read President Bush's recent statement to the Cuban people concerning their future, sans Fidel Castro.

Bush said: "We will support you in your effort to build a transitional government in Cuba committed to democracy, and we will take note of those in the current Cuban regime who obstruct your desire for a free Cuba."


To the politically naive, that would seem a fairly innocuous statement of reassurance to a nation of people that has suffered under a Communist dictator for more 40 years. G.W. was simply reminding Cubans that America stands ready to help should Castro expire any time soon. Right?

However, to those of us who know better, G.W. was really firing a warning shot at Fidel's radical brother, Raul Castro. In my view, G.W. was speaking in code about Cuba's future and his own political aspirations--inextricably linked if my political analysis is accurate.

In effect, G.W. was saying: "Fidel Castro is in God's hands. And that means the old commie fart will soon be your 'dearly departed' former president.

''But fret not, Cuba, because as luck would have it, yours truly will soon be looking for an executive position. I can bring you freedom, democratic rule and trade with the United States."

In other words, G. W. was announcing his intention to run for president again--but next time, he will be seeking the top job in Cuba.

And why shouldn't he?

In January 2009, G.W. Bush will be just 62 years old--a veritable lad. He takes no prescription medications and appears in excellent physical health. A perfect candidate to lead Cuba out of the dark days of communist despair and into the bright future of Compassionate Conservatism.

Besides, running for president of Cuba certainly beats the hell out of alternatives recently offered by Don Rumsfield. Rummy suggested that Bush do one of the following:

* Declare himself eligible for another term based on the perverted liberal argument that Al Gore actually won the 2000 election, or

* Append the 2007 Defense Appropriations bill with a Signing Statement declaring that the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution null and void.

Both ideas lack political pizzazz and are unlikely to connect with voters, even with all those bombs, tanks, fighter jets, guns, and Marines at Rummy's disposal.

And consider G.W.'s strengths and how they might benefit Cuba. A resume of qualifications for G.W. might read as follows:

G.W. Bush
The Oval Office
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Career Objective:
Executive position with government-backed pension and retirement benefits, plus two months annual vacation.

Related Experience:
Worked for eight years to bring peace, prosperity, and harmony to America. Would have succeeded were it not for partisan, leftist thugs known in the United States as Democrats.

Language Skills:
Spanish
Mexican
Texan--Pidgin English with a drawl

Greatest Achievement As President:
House-breaking Barney from doing his business on the Oval Office carpet.

Greatest Obstacle As President:
Learning the correct pronunciation of ''nuclear,'' but it's still what they call a work in progress.

Favorite Song: Hail to the Chief.

Currently Reading: June Reader's Digest

Just Finished Reading: May Reader's Digest*

* In Washington most of July--unable to get to Crawford library to check out
July issue.

Fondest Memory As President:
Telling John Kerry he had the wrong number when he called to concede the election in 2004.

Foreign Leader Most Admired:
Yo! Blair

Foreign Leader Least Admired:
Flat-footed tie between Osama bin Laden and Ted Kennedy

Hobbies:
Autographing my demolished cycling helmets and selling them to pay for heavily padded knee-and-elbow shock absorbers.

Role Model:
Cross between Yogi Berra and Ken Lay.

Advise for Next U.S. President:
Hispanically speaking, never misunderestimate your opponent's strategery.

References:
See results from 2004 U.S. presidential election.

Availability:
January 2009 at the latest. Depending on the 2006 mid-term elections, it could be much sooner.

And finally, the ''G.W. Bush Vision Statement for All Cubans'':

''Good eyesight is vital to seeing a bright future. I encourage all Cubans to take good care of the eyes God gave you, even if you do not always see eyeball-to-eyeball with him.''

Run, George, run!

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

W's January Surprise

Satire By John W. Lillpop


With most of the world anxiously awaiting the president’s announcement concerning new plans for the war in Iraq, beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti reports that Bush will rock America and all of the world with a “January Surprise.”

According to Bijiquiovarti, the following is the final transcript of the speech that Bush will deliver from the Oval Office next Wednesday evening:

“Good evening, fellow Americans. Laura and I extend our best wishes for a happy and healthy new year to each and every American.

On November 7, 2006, America showed the world why we are the greatest and most blessed nation in human history.

For on that otherwise ordinary Tuesday in November, the principles of freedom, rule of law, and self-determination were exercised by tens of millions of patriotic Americans who voted in free and open elections.

Without a single shot being fired, the American people demanded a massive change in government: Republicans in power were to be replaced by Democrats.

For Republicans, including your president, that message was a disappointment. We Republicans have worked hard to serve the American people and believe we succeeded, for the most part.

Nonetheless, I respect the will of the people and will abide by their judgments. That is what the U.S. Constitution requires me to do, and it is the right thing to do as well.

Immediately after the results of the election became clear, I began implementing the will of the people.

On November 8, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield was allowed to resign in order that a new direction could be pursued in Iraq.

Later that month, John Bolton was permitted to resign as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and Ken Mehlman was replaced as Republican National Committee Chairman.

Just last week, Harriet Miers left the White House and returned to Texas to oversee the state lottery. Laura and I wish Harriet the best, and are willing to bet the ranch that she will do a great job.

Note, please, that none of these changes were specifically called for by the November 7 elections.

But because I have always been a unifier rather than a divider, I have expanded my policy of preemptive strikes to include urgent domestic issues, where possible, without sacrificing principles.

In keeping with that policy decision and to further demonstrate my commitment to the will of the people, I am announcing the most dramatic change of all, a move that is unprecedented in American history.

I am announcing here and now, that I, George W. Bush, president of the United States, have changed my political affiliation from Republican to Democrat, effective immediately!

To cynics in the media and jaded politicians on both sides of the aisle, do not misinterpret this as a political act of desperation, or a public relations ploy.

Let the truth reverberate load and clear: George W. Bush has changed his long-held political allegiance in order to accommodate the will of the American people.

Period!

For my new Democratic colleagues, please rest assured that we already share many common goals and ideals.

Indeed, when it comes to illegal immigration, open borders, bilingual everything, coddling Muslims, No Child Left Behind, trillions for new entitlement programs, out-of-control spending, and massive federal debts, I have been a dedicated liberal for several years.

Of course, we do differ on the war in Iraq.

In this regard, as the new leader of the Democrat party, I hereby order Speaker Pelosi and Senate Leader Reid to join me in embracing the “surge” strategy that America needs to win the war on terror.

Finally, in order to manage a smooth transition of my administration from Republican to Democrat, I have asked Howard Dean to replace Karl Rove in the White House, also effective immediately.

As your new Democrat president, I promise to work tirelessly for the American people in pursuit of goals that will advance the interests of America and its people, in the most leftward direction humanly possible.

Thank you.”

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

W's Early Hurricane Warning to Governor Blanco, Mayor Nagin

Satire By John W. Lillpop

(An open Letter)

January 22, 2007

Dear Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagin:

Where does the time go? Here we are just a few months away from the official start of the 2007 hurricane season. It seems like only yesterday Mother Nature was beating up poor black people in New Orleans and environs.

With your help, I might add.

My purpose in writing in January is to remind you of the inherent dangers in the Big Easy, especially during hurricane season. I hope you are both aware of the fact that New Orleans is below sea level. This fact was repeatedly announced in the news and was on television in August and September of 2005.

Because you are below sea level, flooding is a real possibility if a major hurricane lands in your city. Which reminds me of my next point: Louisiana, including New Orleans, is what we call a "Gulf" state where hurricanes are quite common.

Follow so far? To recap: You are below sea level in a city where major hurricanes can and do happen.

Below seal level+hurricane danger= Possibility of flooding and loss of life and
property.

In reviewing my "lessons learned" file from 2005, I think it wise to pass on a few tips for the new season:

-Michael Brown is no longer with FEMA, so you will not be able to blame your failures on "brownie" this year. In addition, Mr. Chertoff's days are numbered, so he will probably not be your fall guy this Fall.

-Because my poll numbers are already so putrid, you can blame me all you like. However, it will not make a bit of difference, besides I am "termed out." It's in an amendment to the Constitution if you ever have a spare moment to read.

-Mayor Nagin, if you could start moving buses to high ground now, you might save some lives. Waiting until the storm hits and then bitching because your buses are all under water is not good strategery!

-Governor Blanco will you kindly not tell anyone that the levees are OK until someone with normal intelligence can assess the situation? You were no doubt well intentioned last time when you gave the "all clear," but that faulty call resulted in unnecessary loss of lives and property.

-Mayor Nagin, if you would kindly not tell the media that you have ordered XXX body bags until a normal person has evaluated the situation. In 2005, you announced that 20,000 body bags had been ordered which added to the hysteria of the media and your Democrat pals looking to score political points.

Above all, remember this is not issue about Democrat vs Republican or liberal vs conservative. We are all members of the same team and will sink or swim together. No pun intended.

Until next time, I remain your Faithful Federal Father Figure,


GW

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal

Progressive Compassion Needed to Fix Immigration?

Satire By John W. Lillpop


























For Immediate Release

(San Francisco)---The following press release was issued by the Office of Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives:

With the Cinco de Mayo celebrations looming, Speaker Pelosi believes that the American people need progressive ideas and leadership when it comes to the issue of immigration.

In order to steer America away from the subhuman quagmire that George W. Bush has created, Speaker Pelosi is proposing the following program to make America a more attractive destination for third world peasants to invade.

In her own words, then, Speaker Pelosi offers her Cinco de Mayo greeting to America and the remaining peasants in Mexico who have not yet invaded America, but who will do so when monthly food stamp and welfare allotments increase by at least 10 percent.

Nancy Pelosi's Progressive Compassion Program to Fix Immigration


No Human Being Is Illegal

As Democrats, we believe that the term "illegal alien" should only be used when referring to the invasion of a woman's uterus by an unwanted fetus, and then only as needed to provide concise language for the death certificate of the aborted interloper.

When used to describe migrants from Mexico and other Latin nations, the term illegal alien is xenophobic and morally repugnant, and is a pernicious denial of the humanness of some of the most talented toilet bowl scrubbers, janitors, housemaids, burger flippers, fruit pickers, and operators of hi-tech leaf blowers in America.

We Democrats also object most vehemently when "illegal alien" is used as a derogatory slur against killers, MS-13 gangsters, drunken drivers, welfare cheats, identity thieves, drug smugglers, child molesters, and other future constituents who are down on their luck and in need of a helping hand, rather than a kick in the groin/posterior.

As Speaker of the House, I have drafted redemptive legislation to add "illegal alien" and "wetback" to the list of terms that qualify as hate speech in America.

This draft is being reviewed by Mexican President Felipe Calderon and the Mexican Congress, and will be released to U.S. House members after all comments from Mexico's leaders have been resolved to the satisfaction of Mexico.

A Spanish translation of the draft will also be sent to the White House for President Bush to review.

For the record: The preferred term for those living here, but missing a silly piece of paper or two, is "Undocumented Constituent."


America Must Be Deportation-free Sanctuary

Tens of millions of undocumented constituents hide in the shadows of American society, afraid to assimilate because of fear of punitive action by a government that hates the color brown.

San Francisco pioneered the "Nuclear-free" zoning concept several years ago to alert the world that The City is completely free from nuclear weapons and should not be attacked. That policy has worked beautifully, because there have been no nuclear incidents since the declaration was codified into San Francisco's City Charter.

Using the same template of success, I, in conjunction with San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, hereby designate all of America as a deportation-free sanctuary to anyone who can prove that he/she is here from Mexico without proper documentation, who speaks Spanish, but absolutely no English, and who is destitute and in need of public services.

As an added benefit, undocumented constituents who can prove they are HIV positive are also eligible for free housing and transportation in San Francisco.

These progressive enhancements will surely make undocumented constituents feel most welcome and, we hope, shadow free!


Bring Troops Home to Reduce "Pressure" on the Border

During his State of the Union address, President Bush advised the American people that the immigration problem is the result of too much "pressure" on America's borders.

Although the president is wrong on just about everything, he has this one right.

We Democrats intend to help the befuddled president take pressure off the borders by requiring that our troops be withdrawn from Iraq and sent to the border with Mexico by the 4th of July, 2007.

At the border, our brave military troops would escort and assure safe passage for any and all Latinos wishing to invade America.

American troops would be authorized to use whatever force needed, including lethal, to prevent renegade border patrol agents and outlaw vigilantes, AKA Minutemen, from hindering the flow of undocumented constituents into the promised land.

In addition to providing escort services, our troops would be used in a door-to-door campaign to confiscate every last firearm in the unsteady hands of ordinary Americans.

Gun Control: Repealing the 2nd Amendment

As the tragic circumstances surrounding the Virginia Tech massacre made quite clear, America must establish far greater legal impediments to all forms of gun ownership.

Repealing the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution is the only reasonable recourse for responsible Americans.

In addition, we Democrats strongly support a recent proposal by a Canadian journalist that would have the U.S. military go door to door to confiscate guns

Undocumented constituents are overwhelmingly in favor of repealing the 2nd Amendment, and would make excellent door to door "confiscators" in America's war against guns.

This is yet another reason why America must bring as many of these people into our nation as soon as possible.


Diversity and Tolerance Workshops

American citizens, particularly white Christian Republicans, can be an intolerant lot, especially when it comes to Spanish-speaking brown people.

A special outreach program should be established to eliminate racist thinking in bigoted whites by showing how undocumented constituents contribute to the America in so many ways.

Think about it: Were it not for undocumented constituents, America would have to fire scores of thousands of police officers, prison guards, probation officers, judges, bail bondsmen, drunk tank officers, detox nurses, Death Row supply clerks,and translators in our system of justice.

Without undocumented constituents there would be a calamitous oversupply of ACLU lawyers, food stamps, Cuervo beer, DUI defense attorneys who speak Spanish, welfare caseworkers, ID theft investigators, and English as a Second Language (ESL) instructors.

Undocumented constituents are vital to America's economy and white folks need to wake up and smell the refried beans!

Universal Health Care

As any American citizen who has tried to get medical attention at any emergency room knows, the great masses of undocumented constituents suffer immensely from the lack of affordable health insurance.

Indeed, undocumented constituents generally look haggard, emaciated, hung over, suffering from Delirium Tremors, and lacking in dental care.

A caring nation like America must implement a universal health care program for all people, including undocumented constituents

This humanitarian program can be funded by adding a $2.50 per gallon "wellness levy" to the cost of gasoline used in SUVs, Cadillac and Lincoln sedans, and all other vehicles registered to known Republicans.

A "wellness levy" would reduce the demand for foreign oil, cut global warming, and eliminate the need for Al Gore's hideous "An Inconvenient Truth," billed as a movie, but which was really a paid (by movie goers!) political announcement!

Higher Taxes, Redistribution of Wealth

One of the gravest problems facing America in 2007 is that all the wrong people have money.

Rich, white Republicans control most of the nation's wealth, but these people are simply the wrong people to be in control of so much wealth.

We Democrats support a progressive tax structure to level the playing field between the filthy rich and the unwashed poor.

Undocumented constituents are ALL poor and would vote unanimously to soak the rich with higher, higher, and even higher taxes!


Summary:

America faces many difficult challenges. But by bringing our troops home, tearing down impediments to newcomers, repealing the 2nd Amendment, and enacting other progressive ideas, we can save America for future generations of impoverished Mexicans.

Join me and the Democrat party as we work to make America truly the "Land of the Free" for scores of millions of good hearted, hard working people of color.

Let me close with a deep and inspirational spiritual thought: God dang America!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Duyba on Recruiting Mission in Latin America!

by John W. Lillpop

As if the 30 million or so illegal aliens already haunting America is not bad enough, President Bush spent the last six days beating the bushes in Latin America, looking for even more invaders to house, fed, clothe, educate, and provide medical care for.

All of which is to be paid for by American taxpayers, of course.

For their part, hundreds of thousands of Latinos were trying to beat the Bushes in massive street riots and protests at every stop.

Clearly, George W. Bush is a "unifier" without equal.

Think about it: In the space of just six fleeting years, this president has united a billion Muslims, China, Russia, North Korea, all of the middle-east, and now Latin America, against the United States.

Significantly, the repudiation of Bush crosses all racial, social, educational, economic, and political lines--he is an equal opportunity antagonist with remarkable versatility and consistency.

Only when one escapes earth's gravity does the anti-Bush fervor seem to diminish--and then only because our commander-in-chief has yet to launch a preemptive strike against a neighboring galaxy. But he is probably working on it.

While on his mission to annoy as many Latin Americans as possible, the president stopped in several nations to spread the gospel, according to the Book of Duyba:

In Brazil, Bush urged more Brazilian students to invade our colleges and universities.

Funny, there was nothing in the mainstream media about a crisis involving a shortage of Brazilian students in the U.S. But Duyba begged Brazilians to "Come to America to study," nonetheless.

In Uruguay, Mr. Bush touted an effort that his administration is very proud of: A program that helps President Tabaré Vázquez in his efforts to make Uruguay youngsters more literate, particularly in English.

If this program pans out as expected, Bush is expected to enroll for the fall semester himself, in order to upgrade his own English-language skills.

In Columbia, Bush insisted that America needs a guest-worker program for good hearted, hard working Colombian drug traffickers.

Bush said such a program would motivate the thugs to give up their multi-million dollar cocaine trade in order to pick avocados for $3.50 an hour in 100-degree heat in California.

In Guatemala, the president decided to try out a new comedy routine.

Responding to criticism from President Oscar Berge concerning deportations of illegal aliens, the president actually had the gall to claim that America is a nation that operates under the rule of law, and that the U.S. would continue to enforce the law.

When the laughing finally died down, Bush grabbed a crate of lettuce, hoisted it onto the back of a truck, and declared himself just one of the hombres, and an illegal alien at heart himself.

In Mexico, the final stop on the president's trip, Bush was confronted by Mexican President Felipe Calderon who appears to have lost his mind after just three months in office.

Calderon expressed outrage over the pending fence at the U.S.-Mexican border, and demanded that the America do more to accommodate Latinos who want to invade America, whether or not America needs or wants them.

Bush could have responded with lectures about rule of law, Mexico's own harsh immigration program, America's vulnerability to terrorism, U.S. sovereignty, and preservation of American language and culture.

Instead, Bush promised to put more pressure on Congress to speed up America's unconditional surrender to Mexico.

Bush also invited Calderon to visit the White House once it is renamed the Brown Palace, after comprehensive immigration reform (amnesty) is enacted.

Despite the spin coming from Bush handlers, there were negative developments.

For example, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez followed Bush around like a liberal activist looking for new voter fraud strategies and tactics.

This portly commie hurled insults, accusations, and lies at Bush while screaming "We are going to take this battle to Brazil, Uruguay, Columbia, Guatemala, and Mexico!" in a mental collapse reminiscent of the Dean Scream in 2004.

Note: Howard Dean's office vehemently denies that the Chavez rants were sourced from the DNC anti-Bush handbook and media talking points guide.

But the best story line of the trip involves Mayan spiritual leaders who protested Bush's visit to Guatemala because "he (Bush) angered the gods."

Maya leaders in the ancient site of Iximche in Guatemala say they will have to cleanse the ground that Bush walked on during his visit.

They plan to do this by laying flowers, burning incense and then throwing water on the ground where his feet have touched their sacred land to clear the bad energy his visit has caused.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has indicated that a similar procedure may be needed by Democrats in Washington, D.C., especially if Bush persists with his wrong-headed troop surge in Iraq!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!