Helen Thomas: Not Just Another Pretty Face!

Satire by John Lillpop

Helen Thomas of the Washington Press Corps has a face and voice that only a mother could truly love.

Provided said mother happened to be a blind and deaf liberal, that is!

ALL liberals are dumb, so calling out that defect would be redundant.

Thomas has been haunting presidential press conferences for nearly 50 years. In the 50 years prior to that, she was Herman Munster on The Munsters, a role for which she was uniquely qualified because she required absolutely no make up, and even earlier, Thomas was the scare crow in the Wizard of Oz.

As the oldest living journalist to be on the payroll of both the DNC and UPI at the same time, one can see years of wear and tear played out on Thomas' haggard face.

Rumor has it that every question that she has asked of a sitting president is commemorated by wrinkle on Helen's face.

That rumor appears to be substantiated by the fact that, over the past six years, President Bush has almost never called on the combative lefty--owing to the fact that there is simply no room left on her kisser for new wrinkles!

But on July 12, President Bush broke his own rules and allowed Thomas to pose the first question in the newly renovated White House pressroom.

In her typical thankless and classless manner, Thomas pulled no punches and demanded that the president explain his actions with respect to the Iraq war, a conflict she described as "Your war" to the beleaguered president.

Thomas' acting out should come as no great surprise to anyone, least of all to George W. Bush.

Remember, according to this pillar of journalistic objectivity and fairness, the following truths pertain to the criminal and unconstitutional war in Iraq:


* The Iraq War Joint Resolution, passed by the U.S. House on October 10, 2002, including 81 Yea votes from Democrats, passed by the U.S. Senate on October 11, 2002, including 29 yea votes from Democrats, and signed into law by President Bush on October 16, 2002, in no way makes the Iraq quagmire anything but "Bush's war."

According to Thomas, the president could, and should have, vetoed the joint resolution.

* Before George W. Bush personally invaded Baghdad, no terrorist or potential terrorist had ever stepped foot in Iraq. In fact, Al-Quaeda and other terrorist organizations were completely unaware that Iraq even existed until March of 2003.

Terrorists throughout the Muslim world have flocked to Iraq in direct response to Bush's arrogant "Bring them On!" challenge.


* UN Resolution 1441, approved unanimously by the UN Security Council, is irrelevant because it did not authorize Bush to invade Iraq or to have Saddam Hussein hanged.


* The terrorist attacks of 9/11 were probably "staged" by Bush and Dick Cheney just so that the administration could declare wholesale war on Muslim nations, and especially Iraq.

Iraq was made a prime target in order to atone for Saddam Hussein's attempt to assassinate Bush 41, and to "grow" Cheney's equity position in Halliburton and Enron.


Whatever Helen Thomas' biases and journalistic failings may be, it is a lead pipe cinch that she has never been, and never will be, accused of making her way to the top with a pretty face and raw sex appeal.

That is just not Helen Thomas!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.