satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Monday, July 09, 2007

Jamestown Settlements: Illegal Immigration Run Amuck

Satire By John W. Lillpop

During the recent debate on illegal immigration culminating with the defeat of amnesty bill S1639, conservatives generally voiced righteous indignation at proposed legislation that would legalize 12-30 million people who entered America illegally.

How dare peasants from third world nations thumb their noses at our borders, amnesty opponents demanded? How dare illegal aliens and their allies show so little regard for American sovereignty and rule of law? How dare foreign invaders march in the streets of major American cities while displaying foreign flags and demanding "rights" to which they are not entitled?

Those who spoke out against amnesty and in favor of enforcement were railed against as bigoted racists, xenophobes, and not committed to doing what is best for America. Worse of all, those charges were leveled at conservatives by fellow Republicans, including an addled president who claims to be Republican but whose policies and actions suggest quite the opposite.

Rarely has America been confronted with an issue as emotional, gut wrenching, and divisive as illegal immigration. However, illegal immigration, and resistance thereto, actually has a rich and storied place in American history.

To begin with, on April 26,1607, three British ships, the Susan Constant, the Godspeed, and the Discovery made landfall in the New World. The settlers aboard those three ships eventually established a settlement at what is now known as Jamestown.

Those original settlers were 104 brave men and boys (there were no women), all of whom were Caucasian Europeans who later became notorious for being angry white males.

Angry white males came to the New World only to pursue a better life for themselves and their families. In fact, however, these men and boys were America's first illegal aliens.

Considering the fact that they included no women in their sea faring adventures, the original settlers were also sexist pigs, misogynists, and probably latent homosexuals. Most probably died in San Francisco bars.

Native American Indians living in the Jamestown area in 1607 included the Pembroke, Paspahegh, Nansemonds, and Powhatan tribes, among others.

Indians were blatant in their use of racial profiling and discrimination against "pale face" Europeans, and were the nation's first bigoted racists and xenophobes.

In today's world, there would be an ACLU lawyer assigned to every few teepees just to keep an eye on those racist Indians and their tendency to engage in anti-white violence.

What a story that would be--the ACLU actually working on behalf of white folks for a change!

Had American Indians been successful in preventing good hearted, hard working white settlers from squatting in Jamestown back in 1607, America as we now know it would not exist.

How might America be different?


* Bows and arrows would still be the weapons of choice. Modern nuclear devices capable of instantly reducing a city like Moscow to a heap of ashes and leaving the city uninhabitable for 15,000 years would not be available.

* Smoke signals would still be in vogue as the primary communication media, leading to a pandemic of second hand smoke deaths;

* "Diversity Sucks, Red Power Rocks!" would be inscribed on all national currency and coins;

* Tribal gambling casinos in California would be open 24/7, not subject to any taxes, and exempt from all local, state, and federal laws;

* Retail answering machines would instruct callers to punch 1 for Indian, 2 for Spanish, and 3 to make an appointment with an Indian language instructor;

* The American bald eagle would be the meat of choice on days devoted to thanksgiving, while Turkeys would be an endangered species, and

* Islamic extremists would be honored for their devotion to mayhem and murder and would be revered for advanced beheading skills so similar to Indian scalping rituals.

Of course, American Indians were unable to stop illegal immigration.

Which is why the continent is now saddled with outrageous dunderheads and situations like George W. Bush, Nancy Pelosi, the IRS, Al Gore's Internet and global warming inventions, Paris Hilton, and excessive cell phone roaming charges!

To liberals, RINOs, and others intent on promoting illegal immigration: Remember the legacy of the Jamestown settlements, the subsequent decline of Native American Indians, and the ruination of the North American continent!
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.