How High the Moon? Or How High the Astronauts?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

How High the Moon? Or How High the Astronauts?

When NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arrested on a variety of charges last February, her travails appeared to be yet another example of radical liberalism gone amuck.

Although Nowak was charged with serious crimes, her motivation appeared to be romantic passion, a typical vulnerability for a feminist who might be better off pregnant, barefoot, and consigned to the kitchen, rather than trying to function as a scientist for NASA where emotional stability is vital.

As it turns out, Nowak is not entirely alone in betraying the public image of American astronauts as models of clean living and exemplary sobriety.

Indeed, the panel that was investigating the sex-mad Nowak now reports that, from time to time, other space bound heroes have been in their cups during
actual missions.

Can you imagine being tipsy while trying to operate the sophisticated gadgetry and technology need to blast six other astronauts into space? Some of whom are probably also "impaired" by a libation or ten, and thus of little value as backups!

Sounds as though NASA has an urgent need for a "designated driver" as part of it's "Looped in Space" deal

But before judging our spacey heroes too harshly, one should consider their plight. These men and women are about to be strapped inside a giant phallic symbol aimed at the Moon, Mars, or God know where, above tons of explosive rocket fuel.

At the designated moment, the rocket fuel ignites, causing the ground to rumble for miles, followed by a huge ball of fire as the ship lifts off the launch pad. Seven decent American heroes, sober and drunk, thus begin their space odyssey on behalf of the American people.

How does one prepare for that, if not with copious amounts of Vodka, Gin, and Cognac? Especially when visions from that awful Challenger tragedy in 1986 refuse to leave one's immediate consciousness without alcohol as a persuasive agent?

In the end, being "looped in space" may be the only way to deal with the entire situation.

Still, there is some good news from that NASA panel report: We now know that being drunk does not automatically mean one cannot operate a space ship!

That means that the illegal alien population, where driving while drunk is almost as common as stealing public services, may be a terrific resource for future NASA missions.

In addition, promoting the idea that illegal aliens might be used as involuntary astronauts could be invaluable in preventing further illegal immigration from Mexico, and in encouraging the millions currently here illegally to self-deport.

Picture the scene: Hundreds of would be invaders gather at a bar in Mexico City to attend a seminar organized for the purpose of providing the latest tips and information for invading America successfully.

A Homeland Security video (produced in the United States but without attribution) shows a rocket ship rocking back and forth on a launching pad as tons of rocket fuel explodes beneath the ship. As the nose of the ship soars into space, a Spanish language voice-over informs prospective invaders of the following:

"This is what happens to undocumented amigos caught in America. They are shot into space as part of the new U.S. deportation program, never to be seen again!

Avoid being shipped to outer space for eternity --stay home in Mexico!"


Heck, I will drink to that!