Dubya's Top Secret Advice to Pervez Musharraf

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Although the Bush administration is widely credited with trying to pressure President Pervez Musharraf into ending the state of emergency in Pakistan, the unvarnished truth appears quite different.

In fact, in a highly classified letter obtained surreptitiously by unnamed and anonymous sources in an undisclosed location, it appears as though President Bush was instrumental in causing President Musharraf to act as he did, including dissolution of Pakistan's Supreme Court and the arrest of court justices.

The entire text of Bush's secret letter is reprinted below, except for redacted parts that do not support the premise of this article.

Top Secret-- Memo To Pervez Musharraf--Top Secret

YO, Pervez!

W coming at ya from down here in Crawford, where we are celebrating Memorial Day, or Cinco de Mayor day, or some other silly excuse for paying hundreds of thousands of bureaucratic slugs for sitting on their butts and drinking beer all weekend.

But what's a prez to do? Veto a paid holiday?

Listen, Pervez, I know that you have had a rough time there in Pakistan what with all those terrorists and wild-eyed Indians trying to stab you in the back.

I have the same problem here with terrorist sympathizers--we call them Democrats--and a bug-eyed woman who sort of resembles your Buddha--or is that Bhutto?

Whatever.

In any case, I came across a great strategery for shoving your enemies out of the way if your situation becomes too much to bear.


I call it my National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive.

This is one powerful tool, Pervez, because it allows me to take over the U.S. by simply declaring a state of emergency, without congressional approval or oversight, and without interference from the courts, the media, or any other enemies of freedom.

You can view this precious document at http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/05/20070509-12.html

The directive includes a lot of legalese mumbo jumbo, which should keep the unwashed masses from being able to understand it.

But the bottom line is that by declaring a "catastrophic emergency," I assume the power to direct any and all government and business activities until the emergency is declared over.

Here's the kicker, Pervez: Only the president (me) can declare an emergency, and only the president (guess who?) can declare the end of the emergency.

No meddling senators, or Speakers of the House, or judges to content with!

I simply scream EMERGENCY! and take over the nation as if it were the Texas Rangers or some other dysfunctional enterprise.

Look, Pervez, I signed this directive on May 9, 2007 without so much as issuing a press release. It now carries the force of law here in 'merica.

With a National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive in your bag of tricks, you may never have to use another military coup!

Yours in Democracy and freedom,

W, the Unifier



John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.