satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Stimulus Checks from Uncle Sam: Fool's Gold ?

By John W. Lillpop

How utterly clever and gracious of arrogant oafs in Washington to "gift" American taxpayers with a pittance of the funds previously pinched from we the people by a federal government that should be in foreclosure because of fiduciary neglect wrought by wholesale corruption and incompetence.

People who should know better are making a big deal over the fact that W and fellow conspirators in Congress are sending out checks of $1,200, $600, or some lesser amount arbitrarily determined by IRS scientists using a table of random numbers to assure fair and balanced pandering to the unwashed masses.

Taxpayers at least as bright as a trellis of decayed zucchini will immediately realize that not a damn penny of that $1,200 was earned by the federal government, or any of its many affiliated contractors, subcontractors, or other whores on the public trough.

No goofy liberal in Congress or demented conservative in the White House is doing you any favors!

It's your money, brothers and sisters!

And just where will Dubya and Congress get the dough to send we the unwashed so that we might "stimulate" the depressed economy created by these knot headed servants of the people?

As the old adage goes, "What goes around, comes around!" and that is clearly the case when it comes to windfall rebate checks.

Here is how it works:

Experts in Dubyanomics and other voodoo science decide that $20 billion dollars is urgently needed in the hands of the American public, as soon as possible.

To get the ball rolling, IRS launches a $5 billion advertising campaign just to let taxpayers know that our federal father figure will be sending out $20 billion, via the US Postal Service.

IRS economists cleverly calculate that about 30 percent of the rebate envelopes will be lost by the Post Office, thereby saving the nation billions in unredeemed treasury checks!

Even so, IRS administrative costs for processing the rebates add about $10 billion to the tab, so the total cost is now about $35 billion, sans rebates lost in the U.S. mail.

Now where in Hades will Dubya, Congress, and IRS come up with $35 billion?

This problem is particularly vexing since the national debt is already measured in trillions of dollars, thanks in no small part to Dubyanomics and six years of Congress in the hands of complicit conservatives.

Americans caught in the throes of credit card hell will immediately connect with the following solution: When unable to meet a current commitment, simply borrow some cash from Credit Card A and use that cash to make the minimum required payment on Credit Card B.

Sounds familiar, right?

Yes, of course, the result is greater debt and more interest obligations and less responsible stewardship of financial resources.

But that is precisely what happens when Uncle Sam sends you a "stimulus" check.

Rather than sending taxpayers a sack of what really amounts to "Fools Gold" from your grandchildren and their grandchildren, our federal fathers should enact deeper tax cuts and withhold less money from the paychecks of working Americans.

Washington needs to stop taking so damn much in taxes and stop wasting hundreds of billions on illegal aliens and other nonsense!

The only stimulus that America needs is for our federal father figures to get the hell out of the way of hard working, enterprising middle class citizens!