Bush and Pelosi Agree to Disagree on Bailout

Satire by John Lillpop


With just 40 plus days remaining before the elections and the United States economy in free fall, President George Bush and Speaker Nancy Pelosi met at the White House in an attempt to ease simmering partisan squabbles.

After shaking hands, the leaders vowed to bury the hatchet and to work more closely to solve the nation's daunting problems, especially that $700 billion that Bush wants to steal from taxpayers as one of his last impeachable offenses before leaving office.

Nonetheless, in a reminder of how competitive elections have become in America, the hatchet was figurative only, as the president’s doctor continues to forbid Bush from handling sharp, dangerous objects, an order that has been in effect since Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as Speaker of the House in the first week of January, 2007.

In less civilized societies, a bitter political campaign like the one that has Barack Obama and John McCain in such anxious snits might find opponents at each other’s throats with actual violence a real possibility.

In fact, if America were operating under Islamic Sharia law, Bush would have had the option of stoning Pelosi to death for failing to cover her face before she entered the Oval Office.

All things considered, keeping the Pelosi kisser under wraps would probably be a good idea, and in the best interest of the American people, western civilization, and the global environment.

Rumor has it that Bush considered the stoning option, but decided that it would send the wrong message to Senators Obama and McCain, even though the stoning target would be a very deserving liberal.

In other words, Bush lacked the stones to do the stoning.

Besides, this is still America, despite nearly eight years of the George W. Bush presidency, and we are still the world’s leaders when it comes to civility, diplomacy, and compromise. It’s in our DNA to cooperate with even our most despicable and nasty foes.

To illustrate this principle, President Bush and Speaker Pelosi made several public gestures of reciprocity and nonpartisan goodwill which they hope will bring Democrats and Republicans back to the negotiating table in order to join forces to battle the economic crisis.

The Bush-Pelosi gestures of good will included the following:

* Pelosi agreed to tutor Bush on pronouncing “nuclear,” and Bush will educate her as to the Catholic Church's teachings on abortion and Holy Communion.

* Pelosi gave Bush a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he presented her with House Keeping for Dummies.

In a final testament to their new bonding, Bush and Pelosi announced the formation of a new Mensa chapter in Washington, D.C., with the president and speaker appointed as permanent co-chairs, at least until Bush is removed from office by the Pelosi impeachment machine, or until the arrival of the new administration on January 20, 2009, whichever comes first.

The only down moment came when Bush discovered Pelosi in the Oval Office measuring the windows for drapes and matching the carpet coloring with shades of lipstick from Michele Obama's makeup purse.

Even then, civility prevailed as the president politely excused himself, saying only that he needed to find a rock quarry, a jack hammer, and a Muslim cleric with a powerful, accurate throwing arm as soon as possible.