Frankly Speaking, Cutting Defense 25 Percent Is Dumb!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Representative Barney Frank recently announced his ideas for saving the American people hundreds of billions of dollars each year by cutting military spending at least twenty five percent.

Although his proposed cuts were widely publicized, mainstream media somehow failed to mention how liberal Frank would re-allocate those funds.

Through illegal wire-tapping and other devious means authorized personally by President Bush and Pat Robertson, this reporter has secured the "Barney Frank Wish List" from anonymous sources.

Herewith, then, how Barney Frank plans to take $150 billion a year from defense and homeland security and spend that money on urgently needed domestic programs:


The Barney Frank Wish List For Reallocating Defense Funds


*Establish a new Gay Awareness and Pride (GAP) national holiday. Make room for the new holiday by eliminating Memorial Day;

Estimated annual cost: $10 billion

* Sponsor a Human Sexuality and Modern Technology global summit to answer these burning questions,

"Can Cloning Technology Replace Heterosexual Sex As a Tool for Procreation?" and

"Can Cloning Solve the Under Population Crisis Among Gays and Lesbians?"

Estimated Annual Cost: $105 billion

*Develop and distribute a new, fully illustrated educational pamphlet titled, " Inherent Pitfalls and Dangers of Heterosexuality," for use in eradicating homophobia in pre-school youth two years and above;

Estimated Annual Cost: $25 billion

*Amend No Child Left Behind legislation to mandate the use of the common cucumber as a vital teaching tool for all classes K-12. No exceptions.

Estimated Annual Cost: $10 billion

*Revise Affirmative Action statutes and IRS tax laws to require that at least ten percent of all federally sponsored adoptions be awarded to same-sex couples.

Estimated Annual Cost: $45 billion

Note: The planned reallocations are in excess of the amount cut from defense. However, the Democrats will make up the difference through elimination of tax-exempt status for Southern Baptists and other anti-gay right-wing cabals!

A tip to the Republican National Committee: If you folks really want to win the November 4 election, just follow Barney Frank around and make sure that all of his proposals are publicized and understood by American voters!

pgw