Addicted to Addictions?
Satire By John W. Lillpop
Life in America used to be so much simpler and less stressful.
For instance, back in the “Good Old Days,” Uncle George always drank too much at family holiday gatherings. But back then, Uncle George’s lack of self-control was recognized as the issue. He was the problem, and it would have been unthinkable to call him a victim.
Things are vastly different in 2006.
These days, addictions and recovery programs for dealing with them, are a huge industry. They earn scores of billions of dollars for enterprising “counselors” who will tell you that it is not your fault that you weigh 520 pounds, chain-smoke Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes, use cocaine and heroine on an hourly basis, and have rarely drawn a sober breath since you were nine years old.
None of that is your fault!
Nearly every human frailty can be traced to an addiction. People claim debilitating addictions to:
-Tobacco
-Too much sex
-Too little sex
-Love
-Alcohol
-Illicit drugs
-Too much work
-Too little work
-Prescription medicines
-Food
-The Internet
-Shopping
-News
-Politics
-And on and on and on
In fact, it has gotten so weird that I am thinking of opening a new treatment clinic. It shall be called the Recovery Program for overcoming Addiction to Addictions.
After 30 days and $70,000, I guarantee you will be free from the compulsion to find another addiction in your life.
My program works--mostly because after I finish with you, there will not be enough money left in your bank account to buy another respectable victimization.
The latest addiction in our society is to cell phones. People drive while talking on their cell phones, while shopping at the supermarket, while at the theater, while at the library, while at the opera, while talking on a land phone, and in just about every other situation.
I even saw a man talking on a cell phone while otherwise engaged at a public urinal! Who would have imagined that “nature’s call” could have such a literal meaning?
A friend recently confided to me that he had spent hours and hours talking on a cell phone in an attempt to win the heart of the woman he was hopelessly in love with. Unfortunately, the fellow not only lost his love, but his cell phone provider billed him $2,400 for one month of calls—a stark reminder that, these days, talk is anything but cheap!
Which reminds me—I think I will add a Cell Phone Recovery Wing to my treatment center. Call me on my cell at ######## to get well in time for the holidays!
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.
Life in America used to be so much simpler and less stressful.
For instance, back in the “Good Old Days,” Uncle George always drank too much at family holiday gatherings. But back then, Uncle George’s lack of self-control was recognized as the issue. He was the problem, and it would have been unthinkable to call him a victim.
Things are vastly different in 2006.
These days, addictions and recovery programs for dealing with them, are a huge industry. They earn scores of billions of dollars for enterprising “counselors” who will tell you that it is not your fault that you weigh 520 pounds, chain-smoke Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes, use cocaine and heroine on an hourly basis, and have rarely drawn a sober breath since you were nine years old.
None of that is your fault!
Nearly every human frailty can be traced to an addiction. People claim debilitating addictions to:
-Tobacco
-Too much sex
-Too little sex
-Love
-Alcohol
-Illicit drugs
-Too much work
-Too little work
-Prescription medicines
-Food
-The Internet
-Shopping
-News
-Politics
-And on and on and on
In fact, it has gotten so weird that I am thinking of opening a new treatment clinic. It shall be called the Recovery Program for overcoming Addiction to Addictions.
After 30 days and $70,000, I guarantee you will be free from the compulsion to find another addiction in your life.
My program works--mostly because after I finish with you, there will not be enough money left in your bank account to buy another respectable victimization.
The latest addiction in our society is to cell phones. People drive while talking on their cell phones, while shopping at the supermarket, while at the theater, while at the library, while at the opera, while talking on a land phone, and in just about every other situation.
I even saw a man talking on a cell phone while otherwise engaged at a public urinal! Who would have imagined that “nature’s call” could have such a literal meaning?
A friend recently confided to me that he had spent hours and hours talking on a cell phone in an attempt to win the heart of the woman he was hopelessly in love with. Unfortunately, the fellow not only lost his love, but his cell phone provider billed him $2,400 for one month of calls—a stark reminder that, these days, talk is anything but cheap!
Which reminds me—I think I will add a Cell Phone Recovery Wing to my treatment center. Call me on my cell at ######## to get well in time for the holidays!
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.
posted by John W Lillpop | 5:10 AM
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