An Interview with Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi

Satire By John W. Lillpop



Just hours before her coronation as Speaker-elect, Nancy Pelosi sat down with John Lillpop of the LillSatire news conglomerate to discuss her historic rise to power. The transcript of that interview follows:


John:

Welcome, Madam Speaker-elect, and congratulations on your history-making achievement.

Nancy:

Thank you, John. It’s a pleasure to be here.

John:

If I can, Ms. Pelosi, I would like to get your analysis of the single-most pressing issue facing America as you prepare to take control of the U.S. House.

Nancy:

That is an excellent question. In my view, the greatest problem facing our nation is this: All the wrong people have the money these days.

John:

Ms. Pelosi? Can you elaborate and tell our readers how you plan to address this issue?

Nancy:

Well, it’s really quite simple if you think about it. The rich and powerful have all the money—and they are simply the wrong people to be entrusted with so much wealth.

We Democrats plan to change that wealth dynamic through a series of bills designed to redistribute wealth to the poor and downtrodden, the less fortunate.

John:

Does that mean higher taxes?

Nancy:

Only for the filthy rich. Any family that makes more than $20,000 a year is living a pampered lifestyle, and needs to sacrifice more for the common good. We intend to balance the playing field by taxing the rich and funneling their money to the poor.

John:

What about spending? Are Democrats committed to frugality?

Nancy:

Absolutely! We are already working on landmark legislation to essentially disembowel the FBI, CIA, Pentagon, Homeland Security, and other “non-essential” services.

Eliminating these departments will free up hundreds of billions for vital services needed by America’s poor and needy.

John:

What programs will be funded for the poor and needy after you make those cuts?

Nancy:

John, this nation has 47 million uninsured people to worry about. We have 20 million illegal aliens from Mexico who are very needy and poor. We have countless homeless who need cars, homes, education, access to inexpensive drugs, and the list goes on and on.

John:

But what about the war on terror? The cuts you propose all seem to come at the expense of America’s defense and security.

Nancy:

Actually, the war on terror is a myth fabricated and disseminated by the Bush administration to send hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to Halliburton and other GOP fat cat corporations. There is no terrorist threat to America.

John:

But what about 9/11, Ms. Speaker-elect?

Nancy:

We have secured “Top Secret” documents from informants on the 9/11 Commission which indicate that 9/11 was a management conspiracy in the controller’s towers in Boston, New York City, and Washington, D.C. 9/11 was nothing more than an attempt at union busting by anti-labor airline management.


John:

Incredible. Can that information be made public so that the American people can see your proof?

Nancy:

As I said, the documents are “Top Secret.” So America will just have to trust John Murtha, John Kerry, and me to tell the truth.

John:

Another sizzling issue seems to be gay marriage. America is very divided on this—what are your beliefs?

Nancy:

I have a personal commitment to see that gay people have the same rights as all other Americans. We are a great people who did the right thing with respect to racial and gender discrimination. Now we need to emancipate gay people from the yoke of discrimination.


John:

What about adoptions by gay couples?

Nancy:

Actually, I have a very personal answer to that question. You see, my parents are gay—my father is a gay man, and mum is a lesbian. Both mum and dad had high-visibility jobs where their sexual orientation could not be made public. Thus, they married for convenience—a cover for both of them.

John:

So you were conceived as the result of a gay union?

Nancy:

It’s a tad bit more complicated than that. Mum and dad decided to forego the traditional “consummation” of their marriage for obvious reasons. But they wanted desperately to have a child.

So I was adopted and raised by a gay couple--and look how I turned out!

John: (Choking).

Excuse me, Ms. Pelosi. I see our time has elapsed. Thank you for coming here today.

Nancy:

Thank you, John.