A Contemporary Quiz on Illegal Immigration

Satire By John W. Lillpop


With the debate over illegal immigration heating up again, here is a quiz to measure one's liberal quotient on this vital issue.

Liberal quotient, of course, is the exact opposite of ''intelligence quotient."


I. Illegal Aliens are :

( ) Desperately needed by liberals to win elections.
( ) A misnomer. They are actually Undocumented Democrats!
( ) Mexico’s chief export.
( ) Not a threat to U.S. homeland security. Why would foreign peasants threaten the land of welfare, food stamps, and free health care?

II. Border security should be:

( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce.
( ) Ignored, because tight borders might upset Jeb Bush's wife.
( ) Turned over to Felipe Calderon in the name of diversity.
( ) Used to keep Republicans out of the United States.


III. The proposed fence between the United States and Mexico is:

( ) A terrific idea, if built by firms owned by women and minorities.
( ) Unconstitutional. It discriminates against invaders too fat to scale a fence.
( ) A project for illegal aliens to do to keep costs down.
( ) “Pork” in Red States, but economic necessity in blue states.


IV. The proposed Guest Worker Program:

( ) Is illegal if it prevents illegal aliens from collecting welfare.
( ) Will work if guest workers are required to join a labor union.
( ) Should include free health care, driver's licenses, college degrees, and interest-free mortgages for illegal aliens
( ) Sounds like amnesty, but Mexicans here illegally deserve amnesty!


V. Spanish versus English: Mexican illegal immigrants should:

( ) Be prevented from learning English because the Democrats have printed 30 million ballots in Spanish for 2008.
( ) Be kept English-illiterate to avoid exposure to GOP lies and propaganda.
( ) Be taught vital English words and phrases like ACLU, racism, class-action lawsuit, Vote Democrat, etc.
( ) Be forced to purchase President Bush's biography, titled "English basics from a Hispanically Speaking Dummy."


VI. Janet Napolitano, Democrat governor of Arizona:

( ) Was for Illegal Immigration before she was against it.
( ) Was a “stealth” candidate in Mexico’s presidential election in early July of 2006.
( ) Thinks ''Minutemen'' is a reference to the sexual staying power of Border Patrol agents.

VII. In dealing with massive protests by illegal aliens, the most prudent response would be to:

( ) Quit Claim deed California, Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico to Felipe Calderon.
( ) Pardon all illegal aliens with a Blanket Executive Order signed by President Bush.
( ) Hand out Spanish-language ballots for 2008 with Hillary Clinton’s name pre-punched as a vote for president.
( ) Sell forged driver’s licenses and Social Security cards, and use proceeds to buy ads opposing Tom Tancredo.


Well, how did you do? Liberal enough to be considered anti-American?