Karl Rove Bails, W Places "Help Wanted" Sign In White House Window

Satire By John W. Lillpop

The BREAKING NEWS headline that disrupted my breakfast this morning concerned the emergency removal of 250 pounds of noxious hot air and polluted flab from the White House.

Translation: Karl Rove, AKA George W. Bush's pet that is part buffalo and part snake, has decided that enough damage has been done to the U.S. Constitution, America's global image, our national pride, and the Bush family tree.

Consequently, Rove is leaving the White House at the end of August upon completion of his most critical assignment: Overseeing the month- long vacation of the most work-adverse president in U.S. history.

That, of course, is George W. Bush, whose neurotic obsession with being in Crawford, Texas every August may be his only hope for a lasting legacy.

Say what you will about W, but the man DID lead by example. For instance, he did a world of good by convincing Iraq's Parliament to abandon Jihad, decapitations, and other sacred Muslim rituals for the entire month of August.

Pity that leadership did not spill over into the insurgency community and the streets of Baghdad!

But back to the unsinkable (fat floats!) Karl Rove: Not so very long ago, Rove was considered a political genius, a virtuoso who could do no wrong.

Blessed with an IQ too robust to measure on standardized tests, Rove was like a balding, out-of-shape version of Harry Potter--a wizard with the magic and sorcery needed to save the Republican party.

Only an improbable combination of genius and wizardry would explain Rove's masterful feat in getting George W. Bush elected President of the United States, and reelected to boot.

Without magic wands, incantations, and complex curses at his command, there is no way that Rove would stand a chance at winning with a candidate who is unable to string two cogent sentences back-to-back, who creates words like "Hispanically" and "strategery," and who makes your cross-eyed, demented aunt sound presidential.

Unfortunately for Rove, the snake pit that is Washington, D.C., has whittled him down to size, at least with respect to influence, if not girth.

No longer in the same league as Harry Potter, Rove has assumed the persona of Voldermort, public enemy number one.

Rove's failures include alienating the Republican base, and losing both the U.S. House and Senate to the dreaded Democrats. That is not cool for the resume of a highly touted political strategist.

Finally, at long last, Rove has taken the hint and is leaving the White House. Unconfirmed reports indicate that his next gig will be as the CEO of See's Candy.

If Rove's track record in Washington, D.C., is any indication, See's public image as America's favorite purveyor of chocolate sweets will quickly deteriorate into a flat-footed tie with Red China as the least trusted and most despised source for rat poison in the world.

To replace Rove, President Bush needs a young, intellectually gifted, well-educated, sophisticated, flame-throwing conservative who can take the heat off the president long enough to allow the Bush legacy dream team to do its job.

But these are tough times and Bush may find it difficult to replace the utterly forgettable Karl Rove. To help the president find the ideal candidate, I have written the following ad:

"Help Wanted:

Fashionable home in nation's capitol needs sacrificial lamb for 15-month assignment as assistant to commander in chief. Must be as slippery as a greased pig, adept at lying on national television to top government officials, skilled in deniable plausibility, and able to cover up for a dyslexic cowboy with drink problem and below average English.

Ideal candidate will be a cross between Yogi Berra and Ken Lay. Spanish speaker a real plus!

Apply within and ask for W, the unifier."

Best wishes to the president in his effort to replace Karl Rove with a savvy figure whose own savvy does not over shadow the wit and wisdom of W himself!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal