Winnowing Through the 2008 Presidential Candidates

Satire By John W. Lillpop

As the presidential campaign winds down to the last 15 months, the "dog days" of democracy if you will, likely voters are being inundated with information that will be essential to making informed, intelligent decisions in November 2008.

Unfortunately, all of that "essential" information will either be forgotten or irrelevant by the time America finally gets around to voting.

Which is why I have devised the following simple approach to winnowing through the various candidates, their respective positions on the issues, and a final Go/No Go analysis.

This database uses all of the latest scientific polling data as well as exit polls conducted at Sam's Lounge just before closing time each Saturday night. To assure the validity of this exit poll, only those sober enough to know they are drunk are included in the numbers.

The Lillpop 2008 Straw Winnowing as of August 11, 2008:


Hillary Clinton is too masculine, whereas Ron Paul's voice sounds as though his underwear fits too tightly.

Barack Obama is not black enough, whereas Rev. Al Sharpton is too much so.

Mitt Romney is a plagiarist, or is that polygamist?

Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo are not Hispanic enough, whereas Bill Richardson and Sam Brownback are too much so.

Christopher Dodd is too anti-war, whereas John McCain is too pro-war.

Fred Thompson is too Reaganesque, whereas Rudy Giuliani is not enough like America's 40th president.

Mike Huckabee is a former governor of Arkansas. America recently elected another former governor from that state, and is still paying dearly for that tragic mistake.

Joe Biden does not have enough hair, whereas John Edwards has way too much.

After all of the scientific culling criteria have been applied, one is left with the two most viable candidates for the U.S. presidency in 2008.

That would be Dennis Kucinich on the Democrat side and Tommy Thompson on the Republican side.

Mind you, this should not be construed as a statement regarding whether Kucinich or Thompson is qualified. Rather, it reflects the fact that these two losers are such complete unknowns that no one is even aware that they are candidates!

How about a bipartisan disaster? A Dennis Kucinich -Tommy Thompson ticket in 2008!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.