Should Al Gore Run in 2008? Hell Yes, the Man Needs Exercise!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

With an undeserved Oscar in one hand and 50 percent of a phony Nobel Peace Prize in the other, Al Gore has pundits and hired assassins working for Hillary asking the really big question.

Namely: Will Al Gore run in 2008?

To which the answer should be an emphatic YES!

By all means, the overly plump former Veep should run every day, starting as soon as possible.

Follow these simple steps, Al, and watch those pounds melt away like glaciers in the arctic as a result of Bush's global warming.

Start slowly. Remember that it took 60 years to pile that unsightly and unhealthy weight on your hapless frame. You cannot possibly remove all of that ugly fat in one day, unless you are kidnapped by terrorists and immediately beheaded.

See your personal physician before embarking on any exercise regime. Your doc will probably measure your body mass index (BMI) to determine an appropriate recovery program just for you.

Unless your doc is a compassionate Republican, assisted suicide will not be an option at this point. In any event, check to see if HillaryCare will cover assisted suicide in Tennessee in the future.

If so, jot down the name of that compassionate Republican doc just in case.

Again, the key is to start slowly. My recommendation is that you engage Tipper in a speed walk to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts each morning. Expect Tipper to beat you to the goodies the first week.

Note that Tipper's superior walking skill is more of a function of gluttony than conditioning.

After the first week, Tipper will have gained about 30 pounds from eating all of those chocolate glazed, cream filled oversized bars, and you will be more competitive. Provided you do not start scarfing up on those chocolate bars yourself, that is.

As your fitness level improves, you will be able to take on more strenuous exercise. Starting in week three, you should begin a slow trot around the perimeter of your mansion in Nashville, stopping only to receive congratulatory wires, telegrams, and fan mail. Impromptu interviews by Katie Couric and other science experts should be limited to 30 minutes so as to gain the greatest training effect from your trots.

By the way, dancing around the truth is a terrific calorie-burner. But then it appears as though you already know that.

Finally, if those wretched conservatives get their way and you are forced to surrender that ill-begotten Nobel Peace Prize, forego the private jet for just once. Instead simply walk from Nashville to FEDEX headquarters in New York city.

Overnight your Nobel Peace Prize to the leftist nitwits in Oslo who gave you the prize to begin with. Send it collect using the UN billing number.

Then walk back to Nashville and immediately resume your exercise regime by lifting Tipper three feet off the ground, 100 times every morning.

Lifting Tipper may not do all that much for your physical conditioning, but if done properly, it should add a little spice to your love life!