Speaker Pelosi's Fake News Conference

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Egged on by the success of FEMA in staging a fake, yet believable, news conference to spin the California wildfires, Speaker Pelosi held an impromptu fake press conference of her own this afternoon to discuss her tenure as speaker.

Pelosi used three administrative assistants from her office, designated as FR1, 2, and 3, to pose as reporters during the charade. The transcript of the Pelosi fake press conference follows, unedited.

Speaker Pelosi:

Good afternoon and welcome to this impromptu press conference which I am happy to hold in order to keep Americans informed as to the business of the people. Thanks to each of you for coming. I will start by taking questions.

FR 1, please.

FR1:

Speaker Pelosi the latest polling numbers suggest that the American people are not happy with the work of the Congress or the president. In fact, only 11 percent of those polled give Congress passing marks.

May I have your reaction?

Speaker Pelosi:

That is an excellent question FR1, and let me start by pointing out that that 11 percent is an aggregate measurement that includes the U.S. Senate. We believe that were it not for the Senate, that the House would be shining in those polls.

Secondly, the polls include Republican members. Again, we believe that the Republicans are a heavy drain on the public perception of Congress; without them, the overall numbers would be much better.

Of course, we expect to build substantially on our majority in the 2008 election. When we have more Democrats in both chambers, you will see dramatic improvements in the polls.

Speaker Pelosi:

FR2. Did I see your hand raised?

FR2:

Speaker, the Democrats were elected largely to end the war in Iraq and bring the troops home. But since Democrats took over, the number of troops in Iraq has actually increased because of the surge.

In addition, the overall situation seems to be improving with less American deaths and a sense that the war might actually be winnable.

Are the Democrats prepared to accept defeat if America wins in Iraq?

Speaker Pelosi:

Great question. The fact is that we Democrats have made it known far and wide that we want timelines for leaving Iraq, that we want to stop the fighting as soon as possible, and that we favor diplomacy, or talking, over bullets.

Chat not shrapnel, is the slogan that I have come up with but have not yet applied to copyright.

Look, we Democrats believe that the situation is getting better in Iraq precisely because of our actions here at home. The enemy has heard the voice of reason coming from this side of the aisle and they know that peace is very attainable.

That is why the violence has ebbed in Iraq.

As far as accepting defeat, there will be no defeat if Democrats win both chambers and the White House 12 months from now.

FR3? This will be the last question.

FR3:

Madam Speaker, your home state was devastated by wildfires this past week. Huge property losses with more than 1800 structures destroyed and one million people displaced at one point.

What do you believe caused these awful wildfires and how do you feel FEMA handled the crisis?

Speaker Pelosi:

It has been an awful week. My heart goes out to all those Conservative Republican millionaires who lost their mansions this past week. We will see just how small they want government to be now that they need a handout and federal aid! What happened to their precious Jesus this week?

But I digress. Actually, I think Senators Reid and Boxer hit the nail on the head when they pointed out that the fires started because of global warming and continued unabated because our National Guard resources are being wasted on George Bush's folly in Iraq.

Simply put, California is burning while Bush fiddles 8,000 miles from home!

As to the FEMA performance, I am highly distressed by the news that they actually staged a fake news conference in order to manipulate the news. What an outrage!

That wraps it up. Thanks once again for coming.

(Thinking the mike was dead, Speaker Pelosi continues: I believe it is FR2's turn to pick up the pizza and beer. See you three in my hotel room in an hour!)