Conservatives Need To Cut Slick Some Slack

Satire By John W. Lillpop

For the past 16 years, conservatives all across our great land have railed at the personage of William Jefferson Clinton. The "Liar in Chief" is one of the kinder monikers bestowed upon the man from Hope, Arkansas who apparently believes that truth is more of an enemy than communism, poverty, AIDS, and Islamofascism combined.

From his hate affair with the U.S. military and traditional family values, to his love affair with damn near anything female, conservatives long ago decided that "Slick Willie" was the devil incarnate.

As president, Slick was the devil with a hillbilly accent who ordered the military into conflicts where no U.S. national interest warranted a diplomatic presence, much less a full-blown military intervention.

To be fair, it should be noted that Slick did occasionally take on an evil doer like Saddam Hussein, or an aspirin factory run by Osama bin Laden. To be honest, it should also be remembered that Slick did so only when needed to divert attention from orgies in the Oval Office hosted by and for the commander-in-chief.

President Clinton raised taxes, lied about everything including falsehoods delivered while under oath, and generally trashed the majestic White House by converting said edifice into a gathering place for whores, corrupt attorneys, and scam artists. All of whom were close personal friends and members of his immediate family!

President John Adams was the first American president to take residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. He did so on November 1, 1800 and the next day Adams wrote a letter to his wife, containing a prayer for the house.

Adams wrote:

"I pray Heaven to bestow the best of blessings on this House, and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none but honest and wise men ever rule under this roof."

Heaven has seen fit to honor the Adams' prayer over the years, except for the period of 1993 through January 19, 2001 when Slick and his family occupied the Presidential Mansion. Turns out Heaven and its agents were not allowed on White House grounds during Slick's tenure.

A number of elaborate hypotheses have been offered by medical and criminal experts to explain the phenomenon of Slick Willie and to answer the burning question, "How in the world does an innocent young lad from a small southern town grow up to be such a conniving and deceitful thieve?"

As it turns out, it may not be entirely Slick's fault.

To understand Bill Clinton and the demons that haunt his existence, one need only refer to the Democrat party debate in New Hampshire on January 4, 2008.

In that forum, Slick's ball and chain, AKA presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, droned on and on and on, without exhibiting the slightest hint of shame, about the change that SHE has brought to the world over the past 35 years.

Hillary whined and cried non-stop for several minutes, while claiming exclusive credit for every worthwhile cause undertaken since a disgraced Richard M. Nixon was driven from the White House in scandal in 1974.

To hear Hillary tell it, one might even conclude that she was the pilot of the helicopter that whisked the deposed Nixon off the White House lawn en route to California. Hillary would have one believe that she responsible for ending "America's national nightmare," while serving as a combination impeachment attorney and shyster pilot.

After watching Hillary rant and rave over the past several months, one can almost understand the pathological lying and perversion that have taken over Bill Clinton's eternal soul.

Remember, Bill Clinton has been married to Hillary Rodham for nigh onto 33 years. Thirty three years of bloody bitching. Finger nails screeching on a chalk board for 33 years. Dodging ashtrays for 33 years!

Compared to being married to Hillary for 33 years, water boarding would be a welcome respite!

Most men would bail after being manacled to Hillary Clinton for a mere 33 hours! If more American wives were like Hillary, the French Foreign Legion would be the largest English-language force in the world.

So while Bill Clinton is without question one of the most despicable, immoral, and evil men to rent out the Lincoln bedroom, compassion dictates that honorable conservatives cut Slick some slack.

Let us, therefore, offer this humble apology:

Slick, now we fully underestand Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Juanita Broderick, Kathleen Wiley, Monica Lewinski and all of the hundreds of other bimbos in your life.

Given the circumstances, you deserve a Purple Heart for surviving 33 years of hell without resorting to homicide!