Help Wanted: Executive Position in Washington, D.C.

Satire By John W. Lillpop

America is in a dilemma of catastrophic proportions since neither of the major party candidates is qualified to serve as the 44th president of these great United States.

Both Barack Obama and John McCain are certified socialists with fascist tendencies. We simply must not trust either of these fellows with the future of the world's greatest economy and only superpower.

America needs a new direction--change from "Change," if you will.

Before it is too late, someone needs to place the following ad in all major communications media. Cost unknown, but probably not insignificant.

The help wanted ad to save America:

"Full time Executive position in Washington, D.C., starting January 20, 2009 and ending January 20, 2013. Second four-year term possible, depending on performance during first term.

Must be an ultra pro-America, pro-life, pro-rule of law, pro-military, pro-business, pro-English only, and pro-traditional family values Christian capitalist.

Must be a fervently anti-illegal aliens, anti-gay marriage, anti-tax, anti-government, anti-Jihadist, anti-abortion, anti-affirmative action, and anti-mainstream media conservative with impeccable credentials.

Must have excellent English (only!) communication skills and be unolingual. No exceptions.

All applicants subject to hostile vetting and outrageous mud slinging from other applicants who will be vigorously aided and abetted by the biased media.

Interviews with approximately 140 million employers scheduled for November 4, 2008.

Successful applicant will be projected by CBS News several hours before all employers have had a chance to vote.

Moderate scalawags, closet terrorists, and RINOs with MBA and third grade Spanish-language skills need not apply.

Mormons with prior executive experience and several hundred million dollars in the bank encouraged to apply."


Are you listening, Mitt Romney?