Measuring One’s Liberal Quotient

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Recognizing when one's mind has become infested with liberalism, and knowing the full extent of that devastating news,is vital information that one should have in order to navigate life’s many dangerous obstacles and roadblocks.

The simple, yet scientific, test that follows has been programmed to evaluate one’s “liberal quotient,” which is the exact opposite of intelligence quotient, and usually portends serious mental and moral defects.


The test:

1. Abortion

The privacy provision in the U.S. Constitution that guarantees women the right to an an abortion was authored by:

( ) Roe V. Wade, one of the original founding fathers.
( ) Sandra Day O'Connor, a nice lady in many ways, but in over her head when it comes to constitutional law.
( ) Paid lobbyists for Planned Parenthood and Code Pink

Abortions should be:

( ) Mandatory for all unmarried women.
( ) Included in universal health care coverage paid for by the government.
( ) Funded by eliminating the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.

2. Global War on Terror

The war on terror is:

( ) Being fought everywhere in the world, except Iraq.
( ) Lost: The terrorists have won and America should surrender immediately.
( ) Proof that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are much smarter than George W. Bush.

Domestic Surveillance

President Bush has personally listened to calls made and received by Democrats and moderate Republicans. This type of domestic spying is OK as long as the president does not use racial profiling in deciding which calls to spy on.

( ) True ( ) False

3. Taxes

Sky high taxes:

( ) Stimulate economic growth and create millions of secure, high paying jobs.
( ) Are needed to keep overachievers modest
( ) Should be paid by any family with an annual income in excess of $7,450.

4. Energy and Dependence on Foreign Oil

Drilling for new oil reserves in America is:

( ) Prohibited by the U.S. Constitution.
( ) Sure to irritate Muslim leaders whom Bush should be working with, rather than against.
( ) Unnecessary if automobiles are outlawed.

Additional refining capacity would:

( ) Increase demand, thereby causing more global warming.
( ) Be the moral equivalent of the Holocaust.
( ) Be OK in blue states if built by brown illegal aliens.

The best option for dealing with the high cost of gasoline is to:

( ) Ignore it. Americans drive too much as it is.
( ) Raise gasoline taxes $5.50 per gallon to reduce demand.
( ) Cut off supplies to Red states.
( ) Ignore it--higher prices will drive Bush’s poll numbers even lower.

5. Illegal immigration

Illegal immigration is:

( ) Needed by liberals in order to win elections.
( ) A misnomer. They are actually undocumented Democrats!
( ) Mexico’s chief export.

Border security should be:

( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce.
( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce and more Democrats.
( ) Used to keep Republicans out of the United States.

The fence between the United States and Mexico is:

( ) Unconstitutional. It discriminates against Mexicans too fat to scale a fence.
( ) A good idea if it will stop the Minutemen from invading Mexico.

Bush’s proposed immigration reform scheme:

( ) Will work if guest workers are required to join a labor union.
( ) Should be approved by Mexico before being sent to Congress
( ) Sounds like amnesty, but Mexicans here illegally deserve amnesty!

Janet Napolitano, Democrat governor of Arizona:

( ) Thinks ''Minutemen'' is a reference to the sexual staying power of Border Patrol agents.
( ) Was for Illegal Immigration before she was against it.
( ) Was a “stealth” candidate in Mexico’s presidential election in 2007

6. Using Liberalism to Understand Islam

Ramadan:

( ) Is a scared Muslim ritual that has been commercialized into a national hotel chain—Ramada Inn—by greedy American capitalists.
( ) Is not covered by constitutional separation of church and state, because the founding fathers were all Christian Caucasians.

The Koran:

( ) Specifically identifies George W. Bush as the anti-Allah.
( ) Names Barack Obama as the candidate most committed to change.
( ) Is needed to counter Judeo-Christian propaganda found in the Bible.

Mosques:

( ) Are holy sanctuaries, except when used to plot nuclear attacks against Israel.
( ) Are never used to hide weapons, except during time of war. Because of infidels, Islam has always been, and will always be, at war.

The practice of rewarding martyrs with 72 virgins:

( ) Makes far more sense that the Christian myth about a virgin giving birth to a Jew come to save the world.
( ) Assures that Allah will always have a large contingent of dedicated, virile young men eager to give their very lives for the righteous cause of Islam.
( ) Proves that Christians who promote abstinence are extremists who do not understand spirituality in this life nor the one to follow!
( ) Will never work in the illegal alien community: Where would God and/or Allah find 72 Mexican virgins?

Congratulations! You have successfully completed this objective assessment of your vulnerability as a practicing liberal.

Because we understand that self-esteem and confidence are very fragile commodities to liberals, we provide neither answers nor grades to this test. This is essential to protect those who may have performed poorly.

But rest assured that you did GREAT-- like everyone else, regardless of sex, nationality, race, language, sexual preference, age, blah, blah, blah!