Matthew 7:16-20, the California Supreme Court, and Gay Weddings

Satire By John W. Lillpop

California is renowned for being on the cutting edge of technology, education, culture, politics, and just old fashioned kookiness.

Take for instance the latest headline grabber from the West Coast: Gay marriage became a reality here starting at 5:01, PDT, on June 16, 2008.

Notwithstanding the prestige involved in being the first to dabble in gay marriage, several crucial questions remain unanswered concerning this latest California phenomena.

Namely:

1. Given the miserable failure rate of heterosexual marriages, why in the world would any sane gay or lesbian couple want to get married?

2. Should, God forbid, the military draft become necessary in the future, would a married man, married to another man, be exempt from the draft?

If both men sought military deferments, which partner would be spared, and which one would be sent off to war, and why?

3. When Jesus said, in Matthew 7:16-20, "By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them," was he referring to the California Supreme Court and their bombshell ruling which overturned the will of the people vis-à-vis gay marriage?

4. Should California voters reject (again) same-sex marriage at the ballot box in November, will San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom declare the election unconstitutional and proceed with plans to marry all San Francisco gay and lesbian couples via one grand C-Span interactive broadcast at midnight, Christmas Eve?

5. If Fred, a gay American citizen, weds Ricardo, a gay illegal alien from Mexico, will Ricardo automatically become an U.S. citizen?

6. If the answer to five is YES, is there a procedure whereby Representative Barney Frank could marry all 38 million illegal aliens in America in one ceremony, thereby granting immediate citizenship to all said invaders, and locking up the Hispanic vote for Barack Obama?

7. Given the fact that the California Supreme Court has wielded a wrecking ball to the institution of marriage, are there any guidelines as to whom or what can become "as one" by taking the marriage vows?

For example, what if Fred, Ricky, and Harry decide that a gay threesome would make a nifty family, what would stop them from doing just that?

Or what if Gina decides to betroth Doe, a female deer, and Ray, a lesbian barber who specializes in butch cuts? Would the state of California blithely take their marriage license fees, and speed the two ladies and their dear deer on their way to everlasting marital bliss?


These are but a few of the crucial questions that immediately come to mind on this complex issue. However, one thing seems perfectly clear: Untangling the inevitable messes will be anything but gay!