Dr. Sheryl Crow's Ingenious Plan to "Wipe Out" Global Warming

Satire by John Lillpop

Who would have imagined that the svelte, beautiful, and musically gifted
Sheryl Crow would be capable of profundity of intellect not witnessed since Albert Einstein passed?

Indeed, who in their right mind would have consulted with the good Dr. Crow in order to find a solution to the global warming crisis that threatens all life forms on earth?

Who would have expected Crow to deliver a plan so revolutionary and visionary that scholars are still trying to sort out the details?

For those who have not yet heard, Dr. Crow rocked the civilized world with her proposal to reverse global warming by limiting the amount of bathroom tissue that one can legally use in any single visit.

Dr. Crow's epiphany resurrects the age-old question: How are brilliant ideas transmitted to mortals?

Why is one person blessed with genius, while another is just a chowder headed liberal relegated to the "back bench" as Speaker of the U.S. House?

A clue may be found in a quick review of Dr. Crow's itinerary last weekend.

Last Saturday night, Crow attended the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington D.C. and meandered over to table 92 so as to share her wit and wisdom with Presidential Adviser Karl Rove.

Perhaps the sight of the portly Rove overwhelmed Crow's senses with images of bathroom tissue, thereby planting the seed of genius that would germinate into a solution for earth's most dangerous and perplexing dilemma?

The problem with that theory: Seeing Mr. Rove up and close would normally prompt one to think in terms of more, not less, tissue!

Still, Dr. Crow's new fame will probably lead to more invites from the local Mensa chapter and less Saturday Night Live guest spots.

Sources close to Dr. Crow have stated, on condition of anonymity, that she intends to up the ante with a new proposal that is sure to cure Al Gore's ED, obesity, and depression overnight.

The solution: Recycle!

That's right. Dr. Crow visited the Pentagon this week and used the military supercomputer for some very important and highly classified calculations.

According to Dr. Crow's math, forcing Americans to recycle bathroom tissue could ultimately eliminate global warming altogether.

Al Gore is reportedly so excited by this proposal that he has started filming the sequel to "An Inconvenient Truth."

Al is going to call the sequel "An Inconvenient Solution," and is said to be working on a new "Tissue Exchange" organization to parallel the powerful success he has enjoyed with carbon exchange fraud.

For her part, Dr. Crow is working directly with Speaker Pelosi to draft legislation for implementation of "The Save the Planet by Preventing Bathroom Tissue Waste and Fraud Act of 2007."

The new act will create a cabinet-level department to implement and monitor compliance with the provisions of the Act throughout America.

Preliminary estimates conclude that the Dr. Crow proposal will cost about $200 billion a year, all of which will made up by bringing American troops home from Iraq by Labor Day, 2007.

Asked to comment on the costs, Speaker Pelosi stated: "It's a win-win for America! Not only do we nail George W. Bush, but we also create scores of thousands of new government jobs and save three or four trees over the next 50 years."

I asked, "but what about global warming, Speaker Pelosi? "

Her reply: "Ask Sheryl Crow about that. She's a genius you know!"

And they call them "progressive"?


Satire by John Lillpop


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Celebrating Earth Day With Appropriate PC Reverence

by John W. Lillpop

In order to commemorate Earth Day with the appropriate PC spirit and chutzpah, the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming and Electing Al President" has sanctioned a list of ten ways to celebrate Earth Day.

Mind you, these are not mandatory, provided one can prove a disabling handicap or mental disorder and is a properly registered Democrat!

Ten Ways to Celebrate Earth Day:


1. Take a friend to see An Inconvenient Truth.


2. Discretely fertilize your neighbor's expensive manicured lawn with a special anti-power lawnmower spray invented by Al Gore.

This calling to do the Lord's work is perfect for those who struggle to sleep and works best if done between the hours of 2-4 am.

Al's lawn gore is guaranteed to eliminate the need for carbon-noxious lawn mowers for at least three years. Available at goretheglobalwarmingho.gov

Mention this ad and get a free referral to a local attorney who specializes in defending those accused of property destruction felonies.

3. Take two friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.

4. Invest in a carbon exchange corporation that is committed to ending global warming, while making obscene profits seem patriotic and "green."

A very strong referral in this emerging business sector is the new enterprise known as the "Barbara Boxer School of Junk Science and Investment Fraud."

This low tech misadventure is headquartered in Nashville, Tennessee on Al Gores' 20,000 square foot "carbon neutral" mansion. Investors are advised to bring cash only--shares will not be released based on credit cards or checks.

The Barbara Boxer School of Junk Science and Investment Fraud will hold the company's first annual meeting on April 22. Senator Boxer will deliver the keynote speech titled, "How Global Warming Can Impact Your Bar Mitzvah, Retirement, and Circumcision."

Light kosher refreshments will be sold at the event.

5. Take three friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.

6. Help Al and friends develop an "Enemies of Earth" database for use on future global warming activism projects, and for Al's next run for president.

The objective is to identify those who refuse to worship at the altar of global warming and who mock the Lord's work on this vital issue.

Most of the offenders are Caucasian Christian Republicans, mostly angry males. Al needs to create a database of such people including home address, e-mail, phone number, church affiliation, social security numbers, and all substantiated (unsubstantiated OK if real juicy) dirt that can be used in the 2008 presidential election.

7. Take four friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.


8. Volunteer for the "Pulitzer Prize for Al Gore" campaign.

When Al Gore received an Academy Award for his objective and scientifically impartial movie, An Inconvenient Truth, the heavens literally opened and the light of truth was delivered to billions of people wallowing in the lies and deceit of those responsible for global warming.

Because of his heroic work to save the planet, Al Gore is a leading candidate for the Pulitzer Prize. You can make a huge contribution to the future of Earth, its six billion human inhabits, and innumerable species in the animal and plant worlds by working to help steer the Pulitzer Prize in Al's direction.

For your "PP For Gore" startup kit and motivational DVD, send $512.37 to the address listed on goretheglobalwarmingho.gov

Non-refundable, not tax deductible.


9. Take five friends to see An Inconvenient Truth, and

10. The ultimate vow of obedience for saving Earth.

This step is admittedly not for everyone. It requires those who really care about Earth, children, old people, and pregnant women to make a profound sacrifice.

To those so blessed, the objective is to attack global warming head on by surrendering all motor vehicles to the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming."

Vehicles are accepted at DNC branches in all major cities provided one has a lien-free title to the vehicle, or a funding date for retirement of any outstanding liens through refinancing.

Please leave the keys in your vehicle and arrange for return transportation for all in your party. The DNC cannot provide or arrange for transportation.


Well, there you have it, moonbats! The liberal way to celebrate Earth Day with PC gusto!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Triangulating Hate Speech Into Employment and Financial Opportunities

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Because life in these United States is as close to Heaven as God sees fit to permit, liberals and the main stream media are at a loss to find vitally important issues with which to consistently excite voters and news consumers.

As a result, America's leftist politicians and media have wasted one full week and untoward quantities of ink and broadband on comments made by an aging cowboy-hippie who purports to be a nationally syndicated radio DJ.

The word "purports" is appropriate since no living soul has ever actually listened to Don Imus in the morning, or at any other time of the day or night for that matter.

With the exception, that is, of a 10-second interlude in which Imus called Rutgers' women basketball players "nappy-headed hos."

That 10 seconds of edgy satire has escalated into “Breaking News Headlines” that have forced the president of the United States and several candidates for his job to weigh in on the ultra-sensitive topic.

In addition, "nappy-headed hos" almost toppled both the NBC and CBS networks, and has ratcheted racial tensions to a level not seen since those who pulverized Rodney King were acquitted.

The I-man's arrogant and flagrant use of free speech has sent mainstream media and liberal politicians scurrying to altars of political correctness in order to worship before, and appease, the god of diversity and tolerance.

A live human sacrifice was deemed necessary, and Don Imus seemed to be the perfect candidate to quell the pagan lust for eradicating free speech; thus, the kerfuffle cost the I-man his gigs on radio and television.

Meanwhile, the Reverend Jesse Jackson sees the rotting carcass of Don Imus as god's answer to his prayers for more black faces and voices in the media.

In fact, Jackson urged MSNBC to dump the I-man and to hire black talent in his stead.

MSNBC appears to have complied, at least with respect to dumping Imus.

Not to be outdone when it comes to milking the racism cash cow, the Reverend Al Sharpton is licking his chops at the prospect of legal action that would redistribute funds from the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer to more worthy black causes.

Like the Al Sharpton Happiness and Retirement Annuity, Al?


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Recyclers Wanted: English-speakers Need Not Apply

by John W. Lillpop


As one who consumes copious quantities of bottled water and canned soft drinks, I recently fell for some of the leftist pap about the inherent moral and spiritual superiority of those who recycle.

Mind you, people here in the San Francisco Bay Area take recycling very seriously.

In fact, next to assuring full rights for gays, transgenders, illegal aliens, and Islamofascists, being Green is the number one priority for any Bay Area resident worth his or her weight in "Bush Lied, People Died!" bumper stickers.

Here, correct punctuation requires one to capitalize green, as in Green, while letting God fend for himself, as in god.

Being Green is no longer optional, nor is it merely a commendable thing to do for those obsessed with doing community spirit.

In the San Francisco Bay Area, Green is a full-scale religion and vital condition for survival.

Example: State and local police, highway patrol officers, sheriffs and other law enforcement authorities are forbidden from even asking about the immigration status of a carload of intoxicated Hispanics with Tijuana license plates and Viva!Mexico tattooed on their foreheads.

But do not let a state or local police officer, highway patrol officer, sheriff, or other law enforcement authority catch you tossing an empty Pepsi can into the garbage!

That is a serious offense that can lead to severe penalties and prosecution.

Bay Area residents are even required to segregate regular garbage from recyclable materials. Dumping an empty plastic bottle into the wrong type of trash bin is not yet a felony, but the San Francisco Board of Supervisors are working on it.

Mayor Gavin Newsom has said that he would sign such a law, provided the law includes rebates for empty whiskey bottles, and used administrative assistants.

Da Mayor is learning that rehabilitation--San Francisco style-- can be dangerous to one's health!

After years of sorting through my garbage in order to do what the city of San Jose pays Sanitation Engineers (garbage men!) $40 an hour plus benefits to do, I decided to recycle my empty cans and bottles on my own.

Recycling as a way of life seemed fairly straight forward, even simple: It was just a matter of hauling empty cans and bottles to a designated recycle center, and collecting the small pittance offered to those not fortunate enough to be paid $75,000 a year by the city for hauling garbage.

The project seemed even easier than imagined when I found out that there were two recycle centers very near my home.

As it turns out, the closest recycle center is also a Vietnamese grocery store. But not to worry, because much of the signage in the shopping center is in English.

Once inside, I quickly realized that asking for help in English had about the same likelihood for success as selling Holocaust artifacts in downtown Tehran! Forget it!

So it was off to the next recycle center, and yet another Asian food store. Another store packed with people who found the word "Recycle" confusing, profane, and or hysterically funny.

By the grace of God, I was finally directed to the recycle area in the lot behind the food store.

Thinking that my nightmare was finally over, I started to feel slightly better about recycling. Perhaps it wasn't all bad after all.

My positive mood quickly went negative at the recycle station. There, the Hispanic attendant had his radio tuned to a Spanish music station with the volume so loud that one was tempted to call the EPA to report a violation of air pollution standards.

Despite blaring Mexican music and an English-challenged recycle clerk, I was able to redeem my cans and bottles and do my small part to save the planet.

Still, the experience was so repulsive and un-American, I decided to get even in my small, spiteful way: I donated the recycle rebate money to Exxon with a handwritten note reading "Compliments of Al Gore."

In English!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Is Global Warming Real? Dr. Katie Couric Says So!

Satire by John W. Lillpop


Americans received a special blessing recently when global warming, its causes, potential harm to Earth, and the options for reversing this curse on humanity were unveiled.

The blessings started when Al Gore was chauffeured from his 20,000 square foot mansion in Tennessee to the U.S. House in Washington, D.C.

Gore showed his unwavering commitment to "Green" by arranging a clever carbon swap: In order to make up for his sinful use of non-green transportation, Gore agreed to forsake his gas powered lawn mower for the summer.

Tipper says she really needs the exercise anyhow, so pushing a hand mower across their two-acre lawn once a week should be a win-win.

No fair using illegal aliens on the sly, Tipper!

I confess to initial skepticism about the Gore decree.

How can a man who spends $30,000 a year to heat and cool his mansion be trusted with the truth on global warming?

I also understand that Gore is a major moneyman for one of those carbon swap schemes.

It's an Amway-type pyramid where liberal guilt, not soap, is the commodity.

Might it be that Gore gets a kickback (in a private account) every time Tipper finishes cutting the grass with that hand mower?

My natural skepticism went sailing out the window when Dr. Katie Couric awarded the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval to Gore right after he finished his snake oil testimony.

Couric called Gore's return to Congress a "triumph," and declared that the scientific consensus is that global warming is real.

Many thanks are owed Al and Doc Katie for the definitive word.

Even the Almighty could have learned a thing or two from the Al and Katie show, but it is rumored that he watches FOX.

He prefers fair and balanced, and all that.

Truth be known, it is a safe bet that neither Gore nor Couric could distinguish lethal carbon emissions from a blast of John Edwards' aromatic hair spray.

And instead of worrying about a carbon print, Al Gore would be well advised to work off that huge butt print of his, which is sure to create dangerous craters every time the former Veep falls into a bank of snow in mid-April!

For her part, Dr. Couric sort of showed her lack of objectivity when she opined that a special session of congress should be convened to evict George W. Bush and install Al Gore as president.

Calling for Al Gore to be sworn in by April 22, 2007, which is also Earth Day, placed an additional strain on Couric's vanishing credibility.

Still, Couric proved that she is more than just a sawed off leftist mouthpiece whose major mission in life is to destroy CBS' news ratings.

With her Gore gushing, Katie exposed her affection for oversized bags of hot air, and that should help in the ongoing debate.

It may turn out that human kind is indeed the cause of global warming.

But I refuse to swear off my 12 cylinder gasoline lawnmower or that noxious BBQ pit based on "science" offered by Al Gore, Katie Couric, Barbara Boxer, or any of the other liberals whose "solution" is for all conservatives and moderate Democrats to move to Mars.

By the way, Al, what say you about recent findings that suggest global warming has made its way to the Red Planet?

Or is that an Inconvenient Truth that is a tad bit too inconvenient to suit your agenda?


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.