satirebylillpop

satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Arnold to Use Lottery, Gay Marriage to Balance Budget








By John W. Lillpop

Give California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger some credit. (Just don't grant credit to the state of California!)

Actually, Governor Schwarzenegger deserves some sort of recognition for being flexible and creative when it comes to balancing the state budget.

Faced with a $15 billion shortfall, the governor unveiled a proposal to borrow money against future lottery earnings. Thus, California would join Nevada as a state in which gambling is enthusiastically tolerated, and even promoted.

Living off the back of gamblers does not seem quite right, but California does need to close the budget gap and those gamblers could care less as long as the multi-million jackpots keep cropping up.

Regrettably, the lottery scheme is not quite rich enough to fix the budget mess. But Arnold clearly owns some of the most blessed Karma on the planet. How else to explain the fact that the California state Supreme Court has come to Arnold's rescue by ruling that same-sex weddings are just peachy?

Or whatever fruit it is that gays and lesbians use to seal their marital bliss.

Bingo! Arnold hits the jackpot again, or thinks he has, because of the revenue sure to flow into the state as couples named Fred and Ricky and Lucy and Ethel flock here by the millions to tie the proverbial knot.

Never mind that the family values and traditions that have made America great will be trashed by same-sex nuptials.

We need the dough, so to hell with one man-one- woman narrow minded silliness, the sanctity of marriage, and all of the other old school thinking that has the Golden state of the verge of bankruptcy!

What is next, Arnold? Since the state has seen fit to convert gambling and sexual issues into revenue streams, why stop there?

Why not take on the Catholic Church and tax the billions of dollars raked in by that corrupt group and misused to defend pedophiles and other perverts masked as "Father" figures?

Don't do anything to prevent the felonious fathers from committing their lewd acts, mind you; rather, just tax the billions that the church will raise to cover up and defend those perverts in collars!

If things really get bad, Arnold, and gamblers stop gambling and if gays do not turn California into a monster wedding Mecca for the Peters and Pauls of the nation, you could always save $10 billion a year by kicking illegal aliens off the public trough!

But, no, that would be just too extreme!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Why the US Postal Service Always Loses Money!







By John W. Lillpop

As any regular customer of the US Postal Service (USPS) knows, the USPS is digging deeper and deeper into the pockets of Americans. As of May 12, the price for a first class stamp increased to $.42, a one penny increase.

News accounts of the increase include the standard phooey about how the USPS continues to lose millions of dollars, in addition to losing millions of pieces of important mail, each and every year.

Which is why the American public must pay an additional postal tax just to get the rent check sent across town.

On occasion, I have been unaware of the annual rip off staged by the USPS, and have unwittingly applied an inferior, penny-short stamp to vital correspondence.

Having done so, I have discovered why the USPS is such a failure:

Because my stamp was a penny light, USPS took the time to attack my letter with government graffiti that reads, "Returned, Due to Insufficient Postage," or some other equally inane government gibberish.

After wasting lord knows how much time to disfigure the instrument containing my priceless correspondence, dunderheads at USPS proceeded to deposit said disfigured memo in my mailbox!

For a single dang penny, the USPS probably spent $3.00 to disfigure and return my letter!

That is why USPS has always been, and will always be, a dismal failure!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

If Hillary Is Elected--






Satire By John Lillpop

Should the American people be foolish enough to elect Hillary Clinton to the presidency in 2008, the following events will surely ensue:

The 44th president of the United States will take the Oath of Office at the UN. She will place her left hand on the Koran, while swearing (in Spanish) at the U.S. Constitution, free markets, and Republicans.

Presidential Inaugural Balls will be held in Moscow, Paris, Havana, San Francisco, and other venues with large populations of known anti-American leftists, feminists, atheists, and other anarchists.

Burning the American flag will no longer be a crime, unless Al Gore decides that the smoke from smoldering flags causes global warming.

Bill Clinton will be pardoned for all crimes past and future, excepting sexual infidelity missteps that will surely take place in the Oval Office and adjoining rooms.

Marriage will be redefined as a union between two or more consenting men, women, animals, insects, and plants, or any combination thereof.

Government-paid day care will be an inalienable right of American women, rooted somewhere in an undisclosed location in the privacy bowels of the U.S. Constitution.

Speaking English to Hispanics obviously in America illegally will be regarded as harassment, a crime subject to severe civil and criminal penalties.

All citizens will be automatically covered by universal health care insurance at birth; illegal aliens will be covered only after registering as Democrats.

An "Excess Initiative Tax" will be paid by households with annual incomes exceeding $200,000.

A "Global Warming Tax" will be levied on SUVs and luxury cars registered to Republicans.

Proving that one has seen Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" at least twice within an election cycle will be required in order to vote Republican.

Former National Security Adviser Sandy Berger will be appointed Director of Homeland Security.

Unleaded gasoline will be outlawed.

The Iraq war will be officially declared a "Hate Crime" against Islam.

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, General Petraeus, and Donald Rumsfeld will be sent to Guant√°namo Bay for their roles in the Iraq war.

Terrorists held at Guant√°namo Bay will be set free to make room for George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, General Petraeus, and Donald Rumsfeld.

Income tax rates will be trebled for white, Christian Republicans.

Mothers Day will be replaced by Women's Emancipation Day, which will be celebrated on January 22, date of Roe V. Wade.

Norman Hsu will be pardoned and appointed to head the Hillary 2012 Fundraising Bonanza and Reelection Campaign.

Memorial Day will be recognized as a holiday that places far too much emphasis on American military victories and war. Instead, America will holiday on August 14 to commemorate the birth of Fidel Castro.

Christianity will be declared the refuge of "Superstitious Pagans," and more dangerous to one's health than trans fats, cigarettes, cholesterol, sugar, salt, alcoholism, illegal drugs, global warming, and Islamic terrorists combined.

Washington, D.C., will be declared a "Sanctuary City" for illegal aliens, terrorists and would be terrorists, sexually confused members of the U.S. Senate, gay, lesbians, and transvestites.

Reading the 2nd Amendment in public and owning guns of any type will be considered acts of treason, the only crimes for which the death penalty is allowed.

The military draft will be reinstated to obligate all people between the ages of 18 and 50 to four years of national service, except those with 666 stamped on their foreheads by Howard Dean and authorized minions at the DNC.

Dick Cheney's birthday will be declared an official day of mourning, with all flags ordered to fly at half-mast.

Columbus Day will be declared "Old School" and replaced by March 31, birthday of Cesar Chavez.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Former Leftist Talk Show Host, Child Pornographer Headed to Slammer!









By John W. Lillpop

Bernie Ward, once known as the "Lion of the Left" for his insane blathering as a leftist talk show host in San Francisco, will roar no more, at least not among civil folk.

That is so because on Thursday, May 8, Ward admitted to distribution of child pornography in a plea deal that will send him to federal prison for at least five years.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/08/BAIR10J9JC.DTL&feed=rss.news

At age 57, Ward will seemingly have few options available to him when he is released five years hence.

Those options include hosting a talk show for ex-felons, practicing pedophiles and child pornographers, as well as felons still incarcerated. Bernie could share his experience, strength, and hope as one who lived through five years of prison and is rehabilitated.

Ward could call it "Cell Talk," and it would surely be a huge success in the nutty bay area.

As a convicted child pornographer, Ward would also be highly qualified to serve as a Roman Catholic priest. After all, he once served in that capacity, and the church is finding it most difficult to find priests these days!

In fact, recruiting standards within the Catholic Church are so low these days that even Bernie Ward might be able to wrestle a priest's collar and confessional booth from the church hierarchy in San Francisco.

Father Ward, "Lion of the Perverts!" has a nice ring to it, does it not!

Ward might even consider a political career in good old liberal San Francisco! He is brighter and more liberal than Speaker Pelosi, and the Democrats are always interested in showing off their obsession with diversity, right?

How about Rep. Bernie Ward (D-8th District of San Francisco), ex-talk show host, ex-Catholic priest, morbidly obese, and convicted child pornographer?

With his background and personal defects, Bernie Ward could become the perfect example of diversity at work in the Democrat party!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Breaking News: Hi-Technology Anti-Hillary Filter Now Available!


















Satire By John W. Lillpop


While the United States Congress may eventually prohibit water boarding as an interrogation technique, there is an inexpensive, legal, and ethical way to root the truth out of reticent rag heads.

Namely, the Pentagon should create a professionally edited summary of Hillary Clinton's most bitchy and annoying speeches over the past six months.

You know, the speeches in which Hillary's whining and shrill causes the paint in your living room to crack and fall. The speeches in which Hillary stops lying long enough to throw in programmed sobbing and a flood of tears, the later brought about by a thin slice of onion taped to her wedding ring.

Really!

The next time Hillary goes on a crying jag, watch her hand carefully and you will see her stroke her eye just before the tears start to flow. That is the moment when she releases the quick-acting onion and starts to bawl for sympathy--and more donations!

Being forced to listen to HRC campaign speeches would force even the most brutal terrorist into submission.

For example, if the Marines would force thugs at Guantanamo Bay to listen to and watch one of Hillary's tear-laden mental break downs, I guarantee that within 20 minutes, tops, America would have Osama bin Laden's cell phone and cave numbers in our possession.

Even the most devoted Jihadist and OBL soldier of death would crack under the intense pain that one experiences when Hillary unloads one of her crying for dollars routines!

All of which is why I have installed a high-technology filter on my surround sound television system. Designed by and for conservatives only, this easy to install device has a Hillary filter that automatically turns down the volume whenever Hillary starts to lie and cry.

As it turns out, because all of Hillary's speeches and interviews are based on lie and cry, my new device is essentially a mute button that shields me from hearing anything that the over 60 feminist commie has to say!

Monday, May 05, 2008

The Agony When "If Necessary**" Ain't!







By John W. Lillpop

The HP Pavilion on the outskirts of downtown San Jose is an extremely popular venue for all sorts of entertainment from Bruce Springsteen, to Arena football, to prize fights, and Lacrosse.

Recently, the Pavilion has provided thrills and bragging rights for thousands of energized fans of the San Jose Sharks as that team pursued the highly coveted Stanley Cup, the gold standard of accomplishment for professional hockey.

The HP Pavilion web site--http://www.hppsj.com--provides a slick and convenient way to keep up with all the doings at the "Tank."

Example, as of late Sunday night, the entry for May 6 included this dilly:

"2008 PLAYOFFS- Sharks versus Stars, **if necessary"

Unfortunately for the Sharks and their faithful fans, events occurring in Dallas, Texas on the evening of May 4 made the "If necessary" unnecessary.

Indeed, in the fourth overtime period of the game, the Dallas Stars scored a 2-1 victory over the Sharks, thereby eliminating the San Jose crew from the playoffs.

Which means that the old, tired refrain of "Wait until next Year!" will haunt Sharks fans and players for another six months, until the hope and promise of another season once again distorts common sense all to hell, leading otherwise intelligent folk to plop down ungodly amounts of money for the right to be bitterly disappointed again, one year from now.

Meanwhile at the HP Pavilion web site, the "**if necessary" calendar entry for May 6 has been replaced with a Notice of a Public Funeral, announcing a mass grieving to be held at center ice to officially bury all hope for San Jose hockey glory in 2008.

Burying the 2008 hockey season: Absolutely necessary for Sharks players and their San Jose fans!

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Earthquakes, and Rumors of Earthquakes!







Satire By John W. Lillpop


Are we "verily, verily" in the last days?

Judgment day, Armageddon, and the Apocalypse rolled into one awful day of human agony and misery?

One of the Biblical signs that the last days are nigh is earthquakes and rumors of earthquakes. Other dooms day precursors include famine, increased storm activity, war, and $4 a gallon gasoline!

Earthquakes are now happening with such regularity in Reno, Nevada that some gamblers have actually repented--by moving to Las Vegas! Quakes are also breaking out all over California with scientists now forecasting a near 100% probability of a major shaker in the next 30 years.

http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Science/2008/05/01/reno_scientists_warn_of_further_quake_risk/4407/

The world food shortage, highlighted by problems with rice, has been well documented and sounds like the makings of a full-scale famine.

In terms of storm activity, hurricane Katrina and the scores of tornadoes raving the Midwest and southeast seem to fulfill Bible prophecy concerning weather.

Add to this mix of dreary warnings the global warming crisis, a woman in charge of the U.S. House and another running for the White House, and the ascension of the anti-Christ (Barack Obama) and you have one awful summer staring back at you.

What can one do to ward off the end, for at least one more summer?

Start by barbecuing those luscious steaks inside with all the windows closed. This will cut global warming by 50% by July 5, provided that Al Gore cooperates by grilling his New York steaks inside the servant's quarters instead of on his three acre front lawn!

Better still, big Al, give up meat altogether and switch to Soy burgers. That will really help because PETA types will have no need to drive out to your mansion in their noxious vans and SUVs to protest your heathen lust for dead animal flesh.

Next, volunteer to block Nancy Pelosi from being reelected to any office higher than village idiot of San Francisco, a position for which there will be fierce competition from many, many local liberals.

Then work to pass immediate legislation that would mandate that any candidate for the presidency must pass an IQ test which, at a minimum, requires one to prove that they have the ability to comprehend and operate an ordinary coffee machine accessible to the unwashed masses.

That will send Hillary crawling back to New York with her haughty law degree flopping in the wind!

Next, vow to never vote for a candidate whose middle name is Hussein and whose "Christian" pastor makes Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sound reasonable and Pro-American by comparison!

With that vow in place, Barack Obama will be free to return to the U.S. Senate in order to continue to misrepresent the great state of Illinois, or to study suicide bombing in Pakistan, whichever he is ordered to do by Jeremiah Wright.

Last, but not least, in order to quell the quakes, storms, and famines and put the anti-Christ out of business for at least a season, vote for Dr. Chuck Baldwin to be the next president of these United States.

Chuck is a Bible scholar, an ordained pastor, and a real conservative who was among the first to know for sure that GW Bush is NOT the anti-Christ.

Dr. Baldwin is familiar enough with Revelations and other scripture to know that the anti-Christ is described as intelligent, cunning, and silver tongued--now, honestly, does that sound like George W. Bush to you?

Visit Baldwin's web site: http://www.chuckbaldwinlive.com/