satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Friday, March 30, 2007

Speaker Pelosi Off to Syria: Why?

by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Pelosi has left Washington, D.C., to visit Syria. That is the good news.

The bad news: She is coming back!

Pelosi's sojourn has gossipmongers and political pundits working overtime to answer the $60,000 question: Why?

Doesn't Pelosi realize that she has already done enough damage to the United States with her mind-numbing surrender?

Experts say Pelosi is probably going to Syria for one or more of the following reasons:

* Promote the Pelosi Doctrine for the middle east which calls for the impeachment of George W. Bush and the resurrection of Saddam Hussein, both on Easter Sunday;

* Explain the surrender bills passed in the House and the Senate, and to set a "Date Certain" for resolving all differences into a final bill that terrorists can live with;

* Celebrate First Quarter achievements with Islamofascist sponsors and
get marching orders for 2nd Quarter;

* Offer the full time services of William J. Jefferson as Ethics and Banking adviser to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Jefferson's salary and all living expenses to be paid by the DNC, provided Jefferson does not return to U.S. before the day after the elections on November 4, 2008;

* Formally apologize to Syria for the shameful behavior of the Bush administration with regard to 14 innocent Syrian musicians who were viscously harassed during a Northwest Airlines flight from Detroit to Los Angeles in 2004. Pelosi will refer the Syrian government to the San Francisco chapter of the ACLU for further action.

As a gesture of goodwill, Pelosi will also offer to hire the 14 musicians (at minimum wage) to perform at the Gay Pride festivities in San Francisco on June 20;

* Get fitted for a Niqab, the traditional Muslim face wear for women, just in case the "Islam thing" takes hold in the U.S.

* Demonstrate her Islam-friendly politics by traveling with Rep. Keith Ellison, America's first and only Muslim elected to Congress. Pelosi plans to keep a detailed account of all racial profiling and other discrimination suffered by Ellison at airports, in bars, and on the plane in order to argue for repeal of the Patriot Act, and

* Fly in one of those cool 757 air force jets that the Air Force refuses to let her use for fund raising scams in San Francisco.

All in all, Pelosi's trip is good for America because while she is out of the country at least she is not making stupid "Tax and Surrender" laws!

Go, Nancy, Go.

Stay there, Nancy, Stay there!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.


Sunday, March 25, 2007

Is Global Warming Real? Dr. Katie Couric Says So!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Americans received a special blessing recently when global warming, its causes, potential harm to Earth, and the options for reversing this curse on humanity were unveiled.

The blessings started when Al Gore was chauffeured from his 20,000 square foot mansion in Tennessee to the U.S. House in Washington, D.C.

Gore showed his unwavering commitment to "Green" by arranging a clever carbon swap: In order to make up for his sinful use of non-green transportation, Gore agreed to forsake his gas powered lawn mower for the summer.

Tipper says she really needs the exercise anyhow, so pushing a hand mower across their two-acre lawn once a week should be a win-win.

No fair using illegal aliens on the sly, Tipper!

I confess to initial skepticism about the Gore decree.

How can a man who spends $30,000 a year to heat and cool his mansion be trusted with the truth on global warming?

I also understand that Gore is a major moneyman for one of those carbon swap schemes.

It's an Amway-type pyramid where liberal guilt, not soap, is the commodity.

Might it be that Gore gets a kickback (in a private account) every time Tipper finishes cutting the grass with that hand mower?

My natural skepticism went sailing out the window when Dr. Katie Couric awarded the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval to Gore right after he finished his snake oil testimony.

Couric called Gore's return to Congress a "triumph," and declared that the scientific consensus is that global warming is real.

Many thanks are owed Al and Doc Katie for the definitive word.

Even the Almighty could have learned a thing or two from the Al and Katie show, but it is rumored that he watches FOX.

He prefers fair and balanced, and all that.

Truth be known, it is a safe bet that neither Gore nor Couric could distinguish lethal carbon emissions from a blast of John Edwards' aromatic hair spray.

And instead of worrying about a carbon print, Al Gore would be well advised to work off that huge butt print of his, which is sure to create dangerous craters every time the former Veep falls into a bank of snow in mid-April!

For her part, Dr. Couric sort of showed her lack of objectivity when she opined that a special session of congress should be convened to evict George W. Bush and install Al Gore as president.

Calling for Al Gore to be sworn in by April 22, 2007, which is also Earth Day, placed an additional strain on Couric's vanishing credibility.

Still, Couric proved that she is more than just a sawed off leftist mouthpiece whose major mission in life is to destroy CBS' news ratings.

With her Gore gushing, Katie exposed her affection for oversized bags of hot air, and that should help in the ongoing debate.

It may turn out that human kind is indeed the cause of global warming.

But I refuse to swear off my 12 cylinder gasoline lawnmower or that noxious BBQ pit based on "science" offered by Al Gore, Katie Couric, Barbara Boxer, or any of the other liberals whose "solution" is for all conservatives and moderate Democrats to move to Mars.

By the way, Al, what say you about recent findings that suggest global warming has made its way to the Red Planet?

Or is that an Inconvenient Truth that is a tad bit too inconvenient to suit your agenda?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.


Saturday, March 24, 2007

Misundestimating Nancy Pelosi

by John W. Lillpop

The events of March 23, 2007 will surely go down in history as pivotal in defining what America stands for and what Americans are willing to fight for.

For the first time in history, a feminist with "Special Olympics" capabilities held the Speaker's gavel in the U.S. House and played a major role in defining anti-American foreign policy.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) did the moment proud.

To begin with, Pelosi made it clear that all the talk about Iraq being a rerun of Viet Nam is more than just anti-Bush rhetoric.

In fact, Pelosi authenticated the analogy by leading her party into a quagmire of anti-war malfeasance similar to what Democrats did to America in the 1970s.

The final vote was Jihad 218, American troops 212. America's first female speaker has thus spoken, and left an indelible mark on American war politics.

However, a critical question remains: Did Pelosi speak for or against America?

In addition to the "firsts" surrounding Pelosi's personal demographics, the vote marks the first time in history that the U.S. House has attempted to surrender via C-Span television.

With 18 months remaining until the Pelosi term ends, concession politics by way of satellite may become fairly common, especially now that the C-Span signal (with Arabic sub-titles) can be received in Afghan caves by Islamofascist subscribers.

To those who tend to misunderestimate Pelosi, be reminded that only 14 Democrats voted with the GOP on this vital issue.

This is a clear sign that Pelosi cannot only count to 218, but that she knows how to use cajoling, jawboning, and pork-bribes in order to defeat America.

Today's historic vote reaffirms the precipitous decline of the Democrat party from the days of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Scoop Jackson, and General Douglas MacArthur, to a party now featuring the likes of John Murtha, Maxine Waters, and Dennis Kucinich.

With the heady days of Camelot gone forever, the Democrat party is now a collection of outcasts and clowns led by a House Speaker who would, if she could, slash $300 billion from the war on terror and homeland security, and give the money to illegal aliens.

Still, there is some hope: Voters can force the liberal buffoons and enemies of America to withdraw from Washington, D.C., at the next election.

Mark down November 4, 2008 as a "Date Certain" that those who love America can support and look forward to!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.


Monday, March 19, 2007

Ann Coulter Urgently Needed in White House

By John W. Lillpop

Not so very long ago, White House political strategist Karl Rove was considered a political genius, a virtuoso who could do no wrong.

Blessed with an IQ too robust to measure, Rove was like a balding version of Harry Potter--a wizard on a mission to save the Republican party.

Only an improbable combination of genius and wizardry would explain Rove's masterful feat in getting George W. Bush elected President of the United States, and reelected to boot.

Without magic wands, incantations, and complex curses at his command, there is no way that Rove would stand a chance at winning with a candidate who is unable to string two cogent sentences back-to-back, who creates words like "Hispanically" and "strategery," and who makes your cross-eyed, demented aunt sound presidential.

Unfortunately for Rove, the snake pit that is Washington, D.C., has whittled him down to size, at least with respect to influence, if not girth.

No longer in the same league as Harry Potter, Rove has assumed the persona of Voldermort, AKA public enemy number one.

Rove's failures include alienating the Republican base, and losing both the U.S. House and Senate to the dreaded Democrats. That is not cool for the resume of a highly touted political strategist.

About the only positive news for Rove is that he was not indicted by Patrick Fitzgerald in the Valerie Plame non-scandal that has Scooter Libby at such loose ends.

However, Rove is not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination: Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) announced his intent to issue a subpoena, with the name Rove prominently inscribed thereon.

Which means that Rove will be required to testify under oath, an act that sounds alarm bells in the heads of those who worry about matters like perjury, obstruction of justice, and jail time. Ask Scooter Libby.

Rove's ongoing issues are not good news to the Bush legacy-making machine, an enterprise that is quickly running out of time.

At it now stands, George W. Bush is widely perceived as a dyslexic cowboy with a history of alcoholism who resembles Adolph Hitler more than Winston Churchill, and who is more of a threat to world peace than Osama bin Laden, North Korean President Kim Yong Il, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, combined.

Which is not a pretty package to leave behind for liberal historians to sort out.

Clearly, it will take Herculean efforts to remake Duyba into a Mister Rogers clone between now and January 20, 2009.

Just as clearly, Karl Rove needs to vacate the White House premises as soon as possible.

To replace Rove, Bush needs a young, intellectually gifted, well-educated, sophisticated, flame-throwing conservative who can take the heat off the president long enough to allow his legacy dream team to do its job.

Bush's new political strategist at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue should be a well-known, widely hated conservative figure who can distract the enemy (Democrats and the liberal media) while the president and his team tend to the nation's urgent business.

Bush needs a person who can combine a withering wit, acerbic tongue, and "take no prisoners" attitude with an uncanny ability to create an impromptu media firestorm, when needed. And one who can do so with obvious delight and outlandish humor.

Where might the president find such a talented and radioactive purveyor of ill will? One that Democrats and the media already hate more than Bush and Rove combined?

Does the name Ann Coulter ring a bell?

What a perfect choice to serve as the White House political strategist for the final two years of the Bush presidency!

As an added bonus, Ann is a beautiful blond, with crystal blue eyes, a drop-dead gorgeous smile, and the temperament of a rattlesnake in heat.

Ann Coulter: America needs you in the White House!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.


Thursday, March 15, 2007

Bush and Pelosi Form Nonpartisan Mensa Chapter

Satire by John Lillpop

More than four months following mid-term elections that rocked the political landscape in Washington, D.C., President George Bush and Speaker Nancy Pelosi met at the White House in an attempt to ease simmering partisan squabbles.

After shaking hands, the leaders vowed to bury the hatchet and to work more closely to solve the nation's daunting problems.

In a reminder of how competitive elections have become in America, the hatchet was figurative only, as the president’s doctor continues to forbid Bush from handling sharp, dangerous objects, an order that has been in effect since around 10pm on election night.

In less civilized societies, a bitter political campaign like the November midterms might find opponents still at each other’s throats with continued violence a real possibility.

In fact, if America were operating under Islamic Shari law, Bush would have had the option of stoning Pelosi to death for failing to cover her face in public.

All things considered, keeping the Pelosi kisser under wraps would probably be a good idea, and in the best interest of the American people, western civilization, and the global environment.

Rumor has it that Bush considered the stoning option, but decided that it would send the wrong message to Islamofascists, even though the stoning target would be a very deserving liberal.

In other words, Bush lacked the stones to do the stoning.

Besides, the president will need a well-rested right arm in order to fulfill his constitutional duty as veto- commander-in-chief, a title that has gone tragically missing since Bush assumed office in 2001.

Moreover, this is America, and we are the world’s leaders when it comes to civility, diplomacy, and compromise. It’s in our DNA to cooperate with even our most despicable and nasty foes.

To illustrate this principle, President Bush and Speaker Pelosi made several public gestures of reciprocity and nonpartisan goodwill including:

* Pelosi agreed to tutor Bush on pronouncing “nuclear,” and Bush will teach Pelosi to blink.

* Pelosi gave Bush a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he presented her with House Keeping for Dummies.

And in a final testament to their new bonding, Bush and Pelosi announced the formation of a new Mensa chapter in Washington, D.C., with the president and speaker
appointed as permanent co-chairs, at least until Bush is removed from office by the Pelosi impeachment machine.

The only down moment came when Bush discovered Pelosi in the Oval Office measuring the windows for drapes and matching the carpet coloring with shades of her lipstick.

Even then, civility prevailed as the president politely excused himself, saying only that he needed to find a rock quarry, a jack hammer, and a Muslim cleric with a powerful, accurate throwing arm as soon as possible!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!


Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Speaker Pelosi Discusses Scooter Libby, Alberto Gonzales, and Guns

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Nancy Pelosi continues to make headlines with her revolutionary views and attitudes.

I recently caught up with the speaker at Pier 39 in San Francisco where she was fishing for a pet shark. She kindly agreed to the following interview.


Well, good afternoon, Madam Speaker. So very good to see you again! Any bites?

Speaker Pelosi:

Good to see you again as well, John.

Regrettably, the only bites so far are to my backside, and those were inflicted by those darn southern Blue Dogs!


So sorry, Speaker Pelosi. How about the anti-war leftists--they are putting pressure on as well are they not?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, yes, to a certain extent.

But the difference is that most of the anti-war folks are from California--plus they are 100 percent right! We need to get out of Iraq before the American people start blaming Democrats for Bush's folly.


I understand. We have had some really big news recently, starting with the guilty verdict for Scooter Libby. How does that verdict sit with you?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, of course he was guilty. Good heavens, who in the world could doubt the word of Tim Russert? That man is an institution and certainly more credible than anyone working in the Bush White House.


So you are opposed to a presidential pardon for Libby?

Speaker Pelosi:

Yes. In fact, I believe that President Bush should recuse himself if a pardon request is filed.


But that would effectively deny Libby a constitutional remedy available to U.S. citizens. Surely that would be unfair, even to a member of the Bush administration?

Speaker Pelosi:

Not really. Although I am not a constitutional scholar, I believe that the president's pardon authority could be delegated to the next individual in the chain of command.


But with all due respect, Madam Speaker, that would place the matter in the hands of Dick Cheney. Doesn't he have an even greater conflict of interest when it comes to Libby?

Speaker Pelosi:

Of course he does, which is why we Democrats would insist that Cheney recuse himself as well.


Then what, Ms. Speaker? The next in line would be...the Speaker of the House.

Are you saying that any pardon request for Libby should be adjudicated by yourself?

Speaker Pelosi:

Uh, well, you know, I had not really thought it through. But I guess you are right--I would have to decide the issue for America.


And how would you handle it? Could you be fair?

Speaker Pelosi:

Fair? Absolutely!

We would give Libby his day in court--and then we would ship his corrupt rear to Leavenworth.


But that sounds so spiteful. Doesn't America stand for true objectivity and higher principles of law in dealing with the accused?

Speaker Pelosi:

Right again, John. I am thinking we could probably work out something with Libby. You know, an unconditional pardon in exchange for some good juicy testimony against Dick Cheney and or George Bush.

After all, this IS America--I am sure we would be able to find a democratic way to send Cheney to jail in Libby's place.


I guess I understand, Madam Speaker.

The next big issue concerns Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Mr. Gonzales is facing calls for his resignation from folks like Senators Clinton and Schumer.

My question, Madam Speaker: Do these attacks have their roots in racism? After all, Gonzales is Hispanic.

Speaker Pelosi:

In all honesty, John, while it is true that Gonzales is a Mexican, he is entirely the wrong kind of Mexican.

For example, most real Mexicans with law degrees stay in their barrio communities to help disadvantaged Mexicans get out of trouble.

In other words, educated Mexicans with good hearts become DUI defense attorneys. Or they fight for illegal aliens against deportation and other injustices. Clearly, Alberto Gonzales is not of that ilk.


But Gonzales is a licensed attorney. Are you challenging his credentials to practice law?

Speaker Pelosi:

All I am really saying, John, is that we need to be very careful about folks who hail from Texas, are friends of George Bush, and who claim to have risen to heights uncommon for people from sullied socio-economic backgrounds.

Remember Harriet Miers? Bush tried to snooker the Senate into placing a lottery queen on the U.S. Supreme Court!

But we smoked him out on that one, and we must do likewise with this Gonzales character.


But what about Silvestre Reyes, the Democrat who is your Chairman of the Intelligence Committee?

It is reported that Reyes does not even know the difference between a Sunni and Shia. Is he qualified for the job, or is he there only because he is of Mexican descent?

Speaker Pelosi:

John, you must be getting your news from right-wing extremist outlets like CQ or ABC, for heaven's sake.

QC distorted the Reyes interview completely, and did so with malice. To begin with, the interview was conducted in English, an obvious attempt to confuse Mr. Reyes into saying something he did not fully understand.

As it turns out, in Spanish Sunni means Shia, and Shia means Sunni, or something like that.

The point is that Silvestre Reyes is a former border patrol man who knows a terrorist when he sees one--whether or not the terrorist is Sunni or Shia is just superfluous pap not vital to homeland security.


Good point, Madam Speaker. Now what about that big set back for gun control in Washington, D.C., where an appeals court ruled that the anti-gun law was in violation of the 2nd amendment. Your response?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, of course, all Americans of good will and high intelligence are outraged that activist judges would let the archaic Constitution interfere with good urban law.

We must never forget that the Constitution is over 220 years old. America has changed a lot in those 220 years, and it is our duty to make laws that address the needs of contemporary people in the 21st century.

Besides, the Constitution was never intended to be interpreted so rigidly. As Howard Dean points out, the framers intended the Constitution and the Bill of Rights to used mainly as guidelines, rather than unalterable law.

In any event, we believe that new and even tougher gun control laws will eventually be enacted, once Alberto Gonzales and Scooter Libby are booted out of Washington D.C.


Thank you ever so much for your time, Speaker Pelosi!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!


Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Duyba on Recruiting Mission in Latin America!

by John W. Lillpop

As if the 30 million or so illegal aliens already haunting America is not bad enough, President Bush spent the last six days beating the bushes in Latin America, looking for even more invaders to house, fed, clothe, educate, and provide medical care for.

All of which is to be paid for by American taxpayers, of course.

For their part, hundreds of thousands of Latinos were trying to beat the Bushes in massive street riots and protests at every stop.

Clearly, George W. Bush is a "unifier" without equal.

Think about it: In the space of just six fleeting years, this president has united a billion Muslims, China, Russia, North Korea, all of the middle-east, and now Latin America, against the United States.

Significantly, the repudiation of Bush crosses all racial, social, educational, economic, and political lines--he is an equal opportunity antagonist with remarkable versatility and consistency.

Only when one escapes earth's gravity does the anti-Bush fervor seem to diminish--and then only because our commander-in-chief has yet to launch a preemptive strike against a neighboring galaxy. But he is probably working on it.

While on his mission to annoy as many Latin Americans as possible, the president stopped in several nations to spread the gospel, according to the Book of Duyba:

In Brazil, Bush urged more Brazilian students to invade our colleges and universities.

Funny, there was nothing in the mainstream media about a crisis involving a shortage of Brazilian students in the U.S. But Duyba begged Brazilians to "Come to America to study," nonetheless.

In Uruguay, Mr. Bush touted an effort that his administration is very proud of: A program that helps President Tabaré Vázquez in his efforts to make Uruguay youngsters more literate, particularly in English.

If this program pans out as expected, Bush is expected to enroll for the fall semester himself, in order to upgrade his own English-language skills.

In Columbia, Bush insisted that America needs a guest-worker program for good hearted, hard working Colombian drug traffickers.

Bush said such a program would motivate the thugs to give up their multi-million dollar cocaine trade in order to pick avocados for $3.50 an hour in 100-degree heat in California.

In Guatemala, the president decided to try out a new comedy routine.

Responding to criticism from President Oscar Berge concerning deportations of illegal aliens, the president actually had the gall to claim that America is a nation that operates under the rule of law, and that the U.S. would continue to enforce the law.

When the laughing finally died down, Bush grabbed a crate of lettuce, hoisted it onto the back of a truck, and declared himself just one of the hombres, and an illegal alien at heart himself.

In Mexico, the final stop on the president's trip, Bush was confronted by Mexican President Felipe Calderon who appears to have lost his mind after just three months in office.

Calderon expressed outrage over the pending fence at the U.S.-Mexican border, and demanded that the America do more to accommodate Latinos who want to invade America, whether or not America needs or wants them.

Bush could have responded with lectures about rule of law, Mexico's own harsh immigration program, America's vulnerability to terrorism, U.S. sovereignty, and preservation of American language and culture.

Instead, Bush promised to put more pressure on Congress to speed up America's unconditional surrender to Mexico.

Bush also invited Calderon to visit the White House once it is renamed the Brown Palace, after comprehensive immigration reform (amnesty) is enacted.

Despite the spin coming from Bush handlers, there were negative developments.

For example, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez followed Bush around like a liberal activist looking for new voter fraud strategies and tactics.

This portly commie hurled insults, accusations, and lies at Bush while screaming "We are going to take this battle to Brazil, Uruguay, Columbia, Guatemala, and Mexico!" in a mental collapse reminiscent of the Dean Scream in 2004.

Note: Howard Dean's office vehemently denies that the Chavez rants were sourced from the DNC anti-Bush handbook and media talking points guide.

But the best story line of the trip involves Mayan spiritual leaders who protested Bush's visit to Guatemala because "he (Bush) angered the gods."

Maya leaders in the ancient site of Iximche in Guatemala say they will have to cleanse the ground that Bush walked on during his visit.

They plan to do this by laying flowers, burning incense and then throwing water on the ground where his feet have touched their sacred land to clear the bad energy his visit has caused.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has indicated that a similar procedure may be needed by Democrats in Washington, D.C., especially if Bush persists with his wrong-headed troop surge in Iraq!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

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Monday, March 12, 2007

U.S. Route 666: The Devil's Highway to Hell!

by John W. Lillpop

In the way of confession, let me start out by saying that organized religion has never been one of my favorite hobbies. Naked girls, baseball, and Rocky Road ice cream have always kept spirituality near the bottom of my To Do list.

Oh, sure, I believe in the Almighty and all that. But I try to be moderate in all things. Including God, and most especially the whole concept of tithing.

When it comes to dropping my hard-earned cash into a collection plate, I always recall the counsel offered by former FED chair Alan Greenspan when he cautioned against "extravagant exuberance."

Mind you, I rarely take money from the plate, except in dire emergencies.

Actually, my experience with institutionalized religion has been a bit rocky, to say the least.

For example, I still hold that evangelical priest who manacled me to my ex-wife responsible for some of the most miserable years of my life. To say nothing of the $70 a monthly alimony that the surly beach still costs me.

By the way, Mr. Pastor Smarty-pants, next time you wonder why I give so little to your congregation, just remember that $70 per month alimony. I consider that my "tithe," and would appreciate a little more respect!

Still, religion is very important to most Americans. Take the presidential elections for example. Everyone seems in a dither about Mitt Romney because of his Mormonism.

I know from personal experience that most Mormons are good hearted, hard working people who value family very highly.

So highly, in fact, that some Mormon men used to take on six or seven wives just for the sheer joy of having as many families around as possible!

But back to religion. The Holy Bible is an amazing collection of stories, prophecies, and symbols.

Take the Book of Revelations where the "Mark of the Beast" is identified as 666. According to the Bible, the anti-Christ will force everyone to be marked with 666, as a precondition of Armageddon.

By the way, as far as I can tell, George W. Bush is not the anti-Christ. How do I know?

Because the Good Book describes the anti-Christ as clever, cunning, intelligent, and silver-tongued. Does that sound like Duyba to you?

But back to 666.

Americans generally stand true to Christian principles, avoiding pagan rituals, and superstitions at all costs. Witchcraft is usually prohibited, the only exception being the manner by which the Bush administration is allowed to juggle financial data in order to mask the real size of the federal deficit!

But back to 666.

Here is an example of how Americans eschew religious superstition:

For years, U.S. Interstate Highway 666, which travels through scenic areas of Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado, was known as "The Devil's Highway."

In 2003, Highway 666 was renamed Highway 491, but not because of any simplistic or false belief in a connection between 666 and the devil.

In fact, 666 was changed to 491 because of concern by liberals about the constitutional requirement for separation of church and state!

All of which leads to the big question: Is liberalism itself the anti-Christ?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Of Ann Coulter Adam's Apple and Other Urgent Matters

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Of Ann Coulter's many outstanding physical attributes--long blond hair, crystal-blue eyes, drop-dead gorgeous smile, movie-star skin, and on and on--the one feature that really stands out is her Adam's Apple.

Adam's Apple? Who in Hades gives a tinker's dam about the Adam's Apple?

By the way, just what in Hades is the function of an Adam's Apple? Other than for gulping, just what does the hell does the Adam's Apple do to earn its keep?

Do we really need the damn thing, or is it a superfluous organ in the Divine scheme, piously known as "intelligent design?"

A brilliant idea from on high that simply did not work out?

Sort of like the brain given to liberals--not good enough to be on the A team, therefore, dysfunctional due to lack of use?

To understand where I am coming from, take a close look at Ann's Adam's Apple. It protrudes menacingly, in a sexy sort of way.

And when Ann breaks into uncontrollable laughter-- after exposing even more liberal hypocrisy--her Adam's Apple sort of gyrates, as if the damn thing is about to explode right through the most beautiful throat in political punditry.

It's an angry sort of expression, when you really get down to it.

To get to the bottom of this vastly underreported story, which is called Apple Gate in journalism circles, I assigned my undercover assistant, wolfebabe007, to do some basic research and report back to me.

True to her professional reputation, wolfebabe007 has provided the following executive summary about some of the better known political stars:

Teddy Kennedy:

Has several very large cocktail olives lodged in his throat. But no obvious sign of an Adams' Apple.

Bill Clinton:

To stave off a threatened lawsuit, Slick Willie had his Adam's Apple surgically transplanted into the throat of Monica Lewinsky. Further details are available to those who can prove they are at least 18 years old.

Nancy Pelosi:

Wrinkles and multiple layers of botox make it impossible to see if the Speaker actually has an Adam's Apple.

And what about America's favorite daughter, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton?

In the fine tradition of radical feminism, her Ladyship prefers to call it her Eve's Apple!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Relax, Infidels: Donna Shalala Is Back in Government!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Any lingering doubts about George W. Bush's descent into early Alzheimer's were erased on Tuesday. Once and for all.

Bush saw to that when he allowed Donna Shalala to weasel her way back onto the government payroll as co-chair of the panel looking into the crisis at the Walter Reed Army Medical center.

Shalala, who looks like an 80s-something great-great- grandmother, will share honors with former senator Bob Dole, whose latest claim to fame is selling little blue pills to relieve erectile dysfunction.

Just what our troops need! A mean-spirited feminist and a dithering old man who is out of it when it comes to the most important game in life.

Just to show how concerned he is about the Walter Reed problem and his confidence in Shalala and Dole, the president did what any normal person would: He got out of town as quickly as possible by fleeing to Latin America.

While in Latin America, the president plans to promote democracy as the most civil and moral form of government possible. Insiders tell us that Bush does not plan to drag out Iraq as a model of the Bush Doctrine in the middle east.

As Bush Sr. would say, "Wouldn't be prudent."

Insiders also tell us that this trip gives Bush an excellent opportunity to hone his Spanish skills. Those skills will be crucial later this year when Bush formally surrenders to Mexico and turns over control of America to the 30 million illegal aliens currently occupying this once great land.

Bravo, Bushbo!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

More Out of Place at CPAC: Rudy Giuliani or Ann Coulter?

by John W. Lillpop

As the Ann Coulter "F" word scandal spreads from coast to coast, from Mexico to Canada, and throughout Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam, the moon, and other American territories and holdings, otherwise rational Republicans seem intent on throwing out the baby with the bath water.

After all, Ms. Coulter did not wish death on any opposite-minded foe as did Bill Mahler; she did not put on a phony southern accent and pretend that Ebonics is her native tongue as Hillary Clinton did, and she did not storm into Selma just to grab national media attention while pretending to be part of the historic civil rights struggle that began there 42 years ago, as Barack Obama did.

Most importantly, Ms. Coulter did not pretend to be a conservative as Rudy Giuliani did. Anyone who has studied Giuliani's record knows he is wrong on abortion, wrong on immigration, wrong on gay issues, and, in fact, wrong on nearly all issues important to conservatives.

The only thing Giuliani has going for him is this: He is not Hillary Clinton!

Other than that, a Giuliani presidency would be nearly as tragic for America as the past six years have been under the mindless Dubya.

As for Ann Coulter, at least the woman is consistently conservative. She is right, and always right, on all of the issues.

Those genuinely concerned about preserving conservative values should denounce Rudy Giuliani's liberalism, rather than hyperventilating over a harmless bit of satire from Ann Coulter!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Should Ann Coulter Be Burned Alive?

by John W. Lillpop

Does anyone in the PC-muddled world understand the satirical genesis behind Ann Coulter's "inappropriate" remark last week?

Does the name Isaiah Washington ring a bell?

Washington is a star of the television hit show "Grey's Anatomy," who called fellow actor T.R. Knight the "F" word.

As a result of that PC violation, Washington nearly lost his career. In fact, the beleaguered actor actually checked into rehab to seek treatment in order to quell the uproar.

Can you imagine? Use of an "offensive" word is of such gravity these days that one is compelled to enter rehabilitation, like an alcoholic or drug addict?

For uttering one word which, in abbreviated form, used to mean cigarette?

Mind you, Washington's sin did not involve any of the seven "dirty" words forbidden from use on U.S. airwaves by the FCC.

Alas, Ann Coulter was obviously referring to the entirely inappropriate, politically correct nonsense that Isaiah Washington stirred up when he used the "F" word.

As a brilliant satirist who delights in pummeling liberals at every turn, Ms. Coulter dropped a line that sailed way over the heads of her conservative audience and the mainstream media.

Above all else, it was a joke and NOT an "outing."

There will be no "film at 11," and with the exception of 3,823 empty tubes of Brell discovered on John Edward's multi-million dollar estate, Coulter has no corroborating evidence to share.

So, please, put away the kindling wood and gasoline.

Burning Ann Coulter at the stake, while it would be great fun for liberals and the media, is neither necessary nor "appropriate."

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

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Saturday, March 03, 2007

"Undocumented Boomers" Headed to Mexico!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

An Open Letter To Mexican President Felipe Calderon

Dear President Calderon:

As you are no doubt aware, America the Great is quickly becoming America the Gray. The so-called "boomer" generation, comprised of approximately 40 million Americans, will soon reach retirement age.

As they age, America's boomers yearn for a less frantic pace---and a lifestyle that allows one to pause and smell the roses now and again.

In other words, boomers are looking for the "Good Life" which is supposed to accrue to those who work 45 years, pay ungodly amounts in taxes, raise a family, put children through college, and baby-sit the grandchildren.

Unfortunately, the United States is no longer as hospitable as it once was to graying citizens.

As a result, boomers have decided to move en masse to your beloved Mexico.

Knowing that the Mexican government is a strong proponent of open borders and liberal immigration policies, as least as regards migrations from Mexico to America, boomers anticipate that their needs and wishes will be fully accommodated with minimal interference and bureaucratic hassle.

In plain English, boomers expect to be treated like upscale Mexican citizens, with all the perks and advantages attendant thereto.

Incidentally, we prefer to be called "undocumented boomers."

President Calderon, I am delighted to announce that 40 million undocumented American boomers are headed to Mexico!

Viva America!

Current plans call for about 500,000 boomers to cross the border into Mexico each month, starting in July of this year.

As with any complex transition, there are several "ground rules" that must be followed in order to make this change seamless for the boomers.

Accordingly, your attention is directed to the following action items:

* Mexican sovereignty, borders, and immigration laws are essentially null and void with respect to undocumented boomers. No attempt should be made to enforce said restrictions on these good hearted, formerly hard working Americans.

* Undocumented boomers shall receive unlimited education, food, housing, legal assistance, and geriatric care on demand, the cost of which shall be borne solely by Mexican taxpayers.

* Mexican hospitals, medical clinics, and emergency rooms shall be obligated to meet the medical needs of all undocumented boomers, without regard to ability to pay.

This obligation shall not be limited or restricted in any way because of any real or projected negative impact on Mexico's medical systems, including the loss of vital services to Mexican citizens.

* Although undocumented boomers shall not be obligated to pay for medical services received, they shall be entitled to send $30-50 billion a year back to the United States with impunity. The Mexican government shall actively facilitate the transfer of such funds to America.

* English is the only language used by undocumented boomers; boomers have no desire or obligation to learn Spanish.

* America's historic free speech, free love, and anti-war revolutions originated with activists in the boomer generation.

In keeping with the boomer tradition of aggressive activism, from time to time it may be necessary for millions of boomers to take over the streets of Mexico's large cities in order to protest proposed new laws when the "rights" of undocumented boomers are in jeopardy.

During such protests, boomers will wave Old Glory and scream "Yes, we can!" and "We are Mexico!" in English, as they protest the rule of law.

All such activities are valid free speech expressions in a thriving Democracy. As a consequence, the Mexican government shall take no action to limit or impede protests by undocumented boomers.

* We Americans celebrate the 4th of July to commemorate our independence from Great Britain. Undocumented boomers prefer to conduct business as normal on May 5 and September 16, and to reserve the 4th of July for fireworks, BBQs, and displaying Red, White, and Blue everywhere.

* Undocumented boomers shall be licensed to drive without regard to immigration status. All driver instruction and testing materials shall be in English.

* Blood relatives of undocumented boomers shall be eligible for the same reduced tuition rates offered to Mexican students in the nation legally. Immersion for the purpose of teaching Spanish is a failed concept and shall not even be attempted.

* Undocumented boomers shall be eligible to vote in Mexican elections without any requirement to prove identity.

* Grandchildren of undocumented boomers born in Mexico shall be Mexican citizens by virtue of their birth, regardless of the immigration status of their parents and grand parents, and

* Undocumented boomers are very sensitive and are easily offended. Therefore, Mexicans shall refrain from using terms like "illegal alien," "Red Neck," "Cracker,"or "Gringo" when addressing or discussing boomers.

In closing, Mr. President, let me assure you that undocumented boomers look forward to contributing positively to Mexican society, culture, and financial stability.

In doing so, we will attempt to do for Mexico what 30 million Mexican illegal aliens are currently doing to America!

With best regards and wishes for a diverse and free Mexico, I remain sincerely yours.

John Lillpop
San Hose, California

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal


Friday, March 02, 2007

Is Nancy Pelosi Too Liberal for America?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Now that Nancy Pelosi has shattered the gender barrier, glass ceiling, and incredulity index all in one fell swoop, Americans are starting to worry that she may be just a tad too liberal to be second in the succession line for the presidency.

After all, Comrade Nancy does hail from San Francisco—the only American city that tried to join the former USSR, but was rejected because Moscow found folks here too far to the left.

In order to calm the minds of those fearing the worse from Speaker-Queen Pelsoi, several common myths and exaggerations concerning San Francisco liberalism must be debunked.

Namely, contrary to popular belief, it is NOT:

* A felony to vote Republican in San Francisco, although it is a misdemeanor to register as a Democrat or Independent with the knowing intent of voting Republican at a future date;

* Against the law to fly Old Glory without a special permit--except on Cinco de Mayo day when the Mexican flag is preeminent, and must not be mocked with vulgar displays of excessive Americanism;

* A hate crime to speak English, except at fast-food restaurants, car washes, emergency rooms, and when speaking to Hispanics obviously here illegally;

* A violation to wear the uniform of the Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marines, unless one does so with an arrogant, “America First,” George W. Bush-type of belligerence.

* True that attending a Christian church will automatically cause one's property taxes to double. There is an appeals process.

* Required that job applicants prove that they are transvestite, gay, handicapped, and a racial minority to qualify. Any one of those qualifications will do.

* A major crime to work at Wal-Mart, provided one can prove he or she is an illegal alien from Mexico and a registered Democrat.

* Possible to get an abortion on those fabulous cable cars, but a woman's inalienable right to privacy may be may be arranged at most self-serve gas stations, progressive piano bars, and at Alcatraz Island after 6pm, except on Mother's Day.

* Enough to be a young Middle Eastern male who speaks Arabic in order to be considered a protected minority. In order to be so classified, one must have been arrested and charged with a terrorist act--- like attempting to move the Golden Gate Bridge to Seattle with an IED.

* Required that straight, white, employed Christian males notify the police 60 days before moving into a new neighborhood. 30 days is sufficient.

* Necessary to enroll as a dues-paying member of ACLU in order to secure a driver’s license. Licensees have 15 days in which to pay an ACLU initiation fee and swear allegiance to atheism, homosexuality, diversity, and liberalism.

* True that convicted sex offenders moving into San Francisco are automatically registered to vote as Democrats: They have 30 days in which to join the party and register.

Therefore, while liberalism is a severe mental disorder that will significantly influence Nancy Pelosi’s judgment, the good news is…. Heck, there is no good news!

Run for your bloody lives!