satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Liberalism and Hypocrisy Joined at the Hip!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Anyone doubting the hypocrisy of liberals should consider the following:

* Execution of a convicted killer is cruel, unusual & barbaric; whereas a woman’s right to abort the life of an innocent child is inalienable;

* Starving a helpless victim like Terri Schaivo to death is acceptable; but using lethal injection to end the life of a brutal child killer is not;

* Discrimination based on race or gender is wrong. Except when waged against Caucasian men, in which case it is mandated by law & called Affirmative Action;

* Invading a foreign nation is wrong, except when aliens from Mexico invade America;

* Democrats are the only hope for American families and labor. But the inconvenient truth is that liberals support the influx of millions of illegal aliens who work for lower wages and without benefits, thereby driving down the standard of living for "average" American citizens;

* Outsourcing of American jobs offshore is driven by immoral corporate greed. By contrast, open borders and amnesty are acceptable because the majority of illegal aliens are future Democrats;

* Huge profits are obscenely un-American, except when enjoyed by George Soros, Oprah Winfrey, the Clintons, the Kennedys, and other liberals;

* Conservatives who seek to preserve American culture are bigoted hate mongers, whereas new immigrants must be allowed to maintain and celebrate their cultural heritage at all costs;

* The traditional American family consisting of one man and one woman and their offspring is just one of several possible arrangements, all of which are equally moral and acceptable. In addition, marriage is no longer necessary to sanctify man-woman relationships.

* Although the institution of marriage is no longer vital to heterosexual partners, it is absolutely essential that same-sex couples be allowed to marry as if they were straight. To do otherwise is to deny gay couples equality and fairness, and is clearly unconstitutional.

* Burning Old Glory is protected free speech, whereas expression of conservative values by people like Rush Limbaugh is unacceptable hate speech and should be subjected to a "fairness doctrine";

* Freedom of speech must never be quashed, except for criticism directed at minorities and other constituencies of the Democrat party;

* Tax cuts are wrong when returned to people who actually paid taxes, but perfectly fine when sent to those who paid none;

* Skyrocketing gasoline prices devastate working American families, but protecting wild life is a greater priority;

* Anyone who supports English as the official American language is a racist. But those who prefer Spanish and other foreign languages are justified because "diversity is our greatest strength;"

* Blocking the sale of port security to the UAE was necessary to protect homeland security, but securing the border with Mexico is wrong because it would "scapegoat" Hispanics;

* Illegal aliens should be licensed to drive--to avoid breaking the law by driving illegally;

* Symbols of Christianity must be kept out of public view so as to offend no one, whereas Islam must be openly promoted in the name of religious awareness and tolerance;

* Businesses are oppressive institutions that must not be allowed to become too large and powerful. By contrast, government creates wealth & happiness and should be expanded whenever possible;

* Military force must never be used, except when needed to advance interests not vital to the United States, or as needed to obscure a Democrat president’s sexual misconduct in the Oval Office.

Think about it-- Are you enough of a hypocrite to be a liberal?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal and former hypocrite.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

What to Do With Senator Larry Craig? Did He Lie About Lying?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

In another distressing sign pointing to the moral and ethical decay of the grandest society known to God, Senator Larry Craig has committed an unforgivable sin for any official entrusted with the public trust: The man lied!

This accusation is as true as rain, whatever the Hades that means.

Consider the aggravating circumstances: If Senator Craig lied when he entered his "guilty" plea in August, while knowing that he was in, fact, not guilty, then this scalawag is guilty of unadulterated perjury.

Remember that Craig was under oath at the time his plea was entered!

For that crime, Craig should be banned from all airports and adjoining men's rooms for life. That may seem like "cruel and unusual" punishment, but the higher courts can sort all that out.

If, on the other hand, this despicable character lied about lying during his "I am not gay" debacle on August 28, then he is guilty of lying.

True, Craig was not under oath during his press statement on the 28th, so technically speaking his lie about lying as well as his "I am not gay" rants are both less serious than his "I am guilty" lie, issued under oath, before a court.

I realize all of these legalese terms are very confusing to non-lawyers.

We need a simple, down to earth solution that the average Joe can understand while gulping down that third six pack of Bud Light right after work and while the steaks are being grilled.

For goodness sakes, keep it simple, Senator!

Here is my simple solution:

Senator Larry Craig should announce that he has switched his party affiliation to Democrat, effective immediately.

That way, no one will ever question Craig's sexuality again, and the American people will automatically assume that Craig is just another Democrat who lies about sex!

What could be simpler?

Hell, if he really acts quickly, Craig could even join the ranks of Hillary Clinton, Dennis Kucinich, Christopher Dodd, and all of the other Democrats running for the White House.

Given the Democrats' tendency to focus intently on issues that concern gays and lesbians, Craig would seem to be a natural. And he might just add a little life to those DULL, DULL, and DULLER debates!

Run, Larry, run!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Of Michael Vick, Senator Larry Craig, and Contrition

Satire By John W. Lillpop

High profile Americans in trouble are a diverse lot when it comes to making public amends and spinning the facts in order to minimize their losses. Such people are also fascinating to observe.

Take Michael Vick. On August 27, the NFL star quarterback, who in 2004 signed a contract worth $130 million, owned up to his mistakes like a man and apologized for egregious crimes against man's best friend.

Along the way, Vick claims to have found Jesus. If the Atlanta Falcons have their way, the young man has lost $22 million.

Looking at the bright side, perhaps Jesus can help Vick recover from that devastating financial kick in the pants.

Who knows, with Jesus' help Vick may be to rebuild his wealth to around $300 or $400, provided he works two jobs, seven days a week, for two or three years after he gets out of the slammer.

On the other side of the contrition compendium, we have a distinguished member of the United States Senate. That would be the once honorable Larry Craig, Republican from Idaho, who was elected to the most deliberative body in the world in 1990.

Among his more unique accomplishments, Senator Craig was arrested in June of 2007, allegedly for lewd behavior in an airport bathroom. Men's bathroom, that is.

And how did this powerful United States senator handle this difficult and embarrassing situation?

To begin with, Craig did NOT claim to find Jesus. Nor did the beleaguered senator claim to be comforted by Mohammed, Buddha, or by the reincarnation of Mister Rogers.

Remember the guy is from Idaho and dudes from Idaho are TOUGH.

Which helps explain why Senator Larry Craig said the following about his cruising episode on the floor of the men's lavatory:

"At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions," he said. "I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously."

Exactly, Senator, but next time, get a lawyer AND Jesus, immediately!

Of course, things would be entirely different if Craig were a Democrat.

To begin with, Craig would have been lauded by the Democrat leadership for his courage and dignity in pursuing an “alternative lifestyle.” Craig would have been encouraged to come out of the closet and openly champion his unique sexuality in that hostile, homophobic environment otherwise known as the U.S. Senate.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) would congratulate Craig for his “Special commitment to diversity and humanity in the hugely complex world of contemporary human relationships.”

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) would have stopped campaigning for a terrorist bill of rights long enough to thank Craig for being an ideal role model for future Democrat politicians. “It would have been easy to forsake his inner child when things started to unravel,” Reid would have whispered on the floor of the U.S. Senate.

All in all, Democrat Senator Craig would have been far more popular, influential, and powerful after his adventures in that men's lavatory than before.

In the parlance of Washington liberals, Craig would have finally “arrived.”

Friday, August 24, 2007

Level the Playing Field: Legalize Dog Fighting, Outlaw Football!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

While politicians waste time and taxpayer money on trivial matters like the war in Iraq, global warming, illegal aliens, and foreclosure of the housing bubble via sub-prime loan chicanery, more astute Americans spend their days and nights worrying about canine cruelty.

Bleeding heart PETA types, energized by the Michael Vick dog fighting kerfuffel, have taken to staged hand wringing and crying jags over a few wasted mutts. These outbursts can occur anywhere at any time, but are most likely to crop up whenever two or more television camera crews are spotted at a courthouse or on a football field.

Given their way, PETA would resolve the Vick matter by hanging the once beloved quarterback from a goal post during half time of the Atlanta Falcons' home opener in the Georgia Dome on September 23.

To assure maximum excitement, PETA would have Vick wrapped in a remote-controlled electrocution blanket just in case hanging failed to end the miserable life of Number 7.

When text messaged to do so by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the president of PETA would push a red button that would immediately send 30,000 volts of Carolina Power and Light juice rushing through Vick's being.

75,000 rabid fans would roar their approval in unison as Michael Vick's smoldering remains would be lowered from the goal post, signaling the end of half time festivities and the looming second half kickoff.

Justice is indeed a brutal taskmaster, especially when in the hands of reckless people who hold the lives of dogs, cats, canaries, field mice and rats in greater esteem than that of human beings.

Someone needs to remind PETA and supporters that dogs are just dogs. Dogs have no souls, none will go to heaven, they pay no taxes, and except for a few hundred thousand who are registered Democrats in Nancy Pelosi's congressional district, dogs do not vote or otherwise contribute to our freedom.

Face it, PETA, dogs are dispensable and totally replaceable.

Even the little old lady whose tender heart was nearly ripped out of her wrinkled chest when she accidentally microwaved her pet poodle got over the trauma and found a replacement pet-victim within a couple of days.

Ask her about Alice (the fried poodle) now and that old lady stares blankly into space and asks, "Alice who?"

And so it is, even for people without dementia. Dogs are dogs, but you can replace the darn things at the drop of a hat, or following an unplanned microwave nuking.

Those who really give a tinker's dam about life should abandon all this PETA nonsense and focus instead on saving human lives.

We can start by outlawing pro football.

This so-called sport is nothing more than controlled gang violence staged for the amusement of millions of "fans" who sit on their already elongated posteriors in front of plasma televisions for 10-12 hours every Sunday.

Not content with just eating ungodly amounts of chips, burgers, and hot dogs, and drinking enough beer to float the entire city of Milwaukee across the border into Canada, these Type 2 diabetics and heart disease patients in the making gamble away tens of billions of dollars on who will win and by how many points.

Mind you, this homage is paid to the god of 'blood and sport' each and every Sunday!

The charm of football is best seen in instant replays played in slow motion so that fans can see the spilling of blood and the actual breaking of human necks, arms, backs, and teeth time and time again. Concussions are a fan favorite and are tended to by physicians who are "on call" on the sidelines for $5,000 per game.

Not bad pay for watching a pro football game for a couple of hours while waiting for human disaster to strike.

Bloodthirsty fans can even DVD-tape the carnage for later viewing at church functions, family reunions, weddings, and other occasions held to celebrate traditional American family values.

To be fair, let's level the playing field by legalizing dog fighting and outlawing the far more inhumane and violent blood sport called football.

Do it out of respect and love for Michael Vick and other fun-loving good old boys from the south who simply cannot be expected to know any better!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

You Can Take Away the Savage, But Not the Ph.D.!

By John W. Lillpop

There must have been a point in that commentary by Joseph Honick (August 23 HSN, 'When Silliness and Arrogance Collide').

Pity the author's intended point was obscured by Ph.D. envy, Weiner wrath, anti-Savage savagery, or a combination thereof.

For those interested in the unvarnished facts, simply "google" the name Dr. Michael Savage and you will discover 2,060,000 entries.

Yes, many refer to individuals who practice medicine and are not even close to being radio talk show luminaries.

But scores of hundreds refer to the man humbly known to millions of loyal listeners as Dr. Michael Savage. Or the General in the Bunker.

Anyone who has actually tuned in to the Savage Nation will immediately associate those monikers with America's most exciting talk show host.

Google results for Dr. Michael Savage include the following Wikipedia

"Michael Savage is the pseudonym of Michael Alan Weiner a controversial American Conservative talk radio host, author, and political pundit. He holds master's degrees in medical botany and medical anthropology and earned a Ph.D. from the University of California, Berkeley in nutritional ethnomedicine. As Michael Weiner, he has written a number of books on herbal medicine and homeopathy.

As Michael Savage, he has written four New York Times bestsellers: The Savage Nation (2003), The Enemy Within (2004), Liberalism Is a Mental Disorder (2005), and The Political Zoo (2006). His nationally syndicated radio show, The Savage Nation, reaches more than ten million listeners on over 400 stations throughout the United States, ranking third in number of stations syndicated nationwide and third in nationwide audience behind Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity."

By Jove, that is indeed the good Dr. Michael Savage that Americans have come to know and respect from well over a decade of courageous, in your face broadcasting.

As to the notion that Dr. Michael Savage walks in lock step with George W. Bush and the Republican party, the truth is exactly the opposite.

Fact: Dr. Michael Savage was Honored with the Freedom of Speech Award by TALKERS Magazine in June 2007.

In conferring this prestigious honor on Michael Savage, the magazine described Savage as "Being the first major conservative radio talk show host to criticize President George W. Bush on his policies and encourage hosts of all political ideologies to remain independent of partisan loyalties."

Yep, that is the good Dr. Michael Savage all right!

See story:

Because of his outspoken speech, Dr. Michael Savage has always been, and will always be, controversial and a target for those who disagree with his ideology.

But while disagreement is as American as baseball, hot dogs (Weiners?), apple pie, and Toyota, attempting to use the power of government to silence free speech is not.

Which is why I say shame on Gerardo Sandoval and fifteen other members of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors who tried to squelch the right of Dr. Michael Savage to engage in free expression.

And God Bless Ed Jew, the lone Supervisor whose vote against the likes of Sandoval upheld and preserved Dr. Michael Savage's first amendment rights!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

"Savage" Nation Offers U.S. Citizenship to Illegal Aliens?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

No, no, no Michael Savage has not lost his good mind. The good doctor is not offering U.S. citizenship and respectability to millions of illegal aliens who agree to become "savageized!"

However, undocumented criminals are being offered a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, with the American Dream thrown in at no extra cost, to those who sign-up for this rip-off before the onset of Indian summer.

Promoted by snake oil purveyors no longer able to coax a respectable living out of used teepee or totem pole fraud, and with too much ethics to join Al Gore's global warming hoax, this new scheme allows illegal aliens to join an Indian tribe.

By doing so, said invaders are allegedly able to secure U.S. citizenship and avoid deportation by Homeland Security demons operating under the direction of Michael Chertoff, who heads that department when not otherwise engaged in his official duties as the Anti-Christ.

My Way:

And why would any self-respecting illegal alien fall for such an obvious scam?

In order get answers to this vexing question, we contracted with illegal alien and ACLU attorney Miquel Martinez Garcia Rodriquez Tejada Pena Hernandez, who points with pride to the fact that his long name is designed to thwart even the most sophisticated system used by the U.S. government to prevent ID fraud and illegal immigration.

According to Miquel Martinez Garcia Rodriquez Tejada Pena Hernandez, there are seven compelling reasons why illegal aliens are attracted to the Indian tribe scam:

7. Marijuana and other recreational drugs OK;

6. No back taxes to fret;

5. No mean-spirited American history exams;

4. No need to work;

3. No snoopy criminal, credit, or medical background checks;

2. No need to learn no stinkin' English;

And The Number One Reason Illegal Aliens Fall For Indian Citizenship Scams:

1. No need to join the Catholic church or other pervert-friendly religious cults.

In addition, the 'savage nation' offer beats the Hades out of proposals made by liberals.

Miquel Martinez Garcia Rodriquez Tejada Pena Hernandez expanded on that last point by noting that liberals require illegal aliens to register as Democrats before becoming U.S. citizens, and to sign an Oath of Allegiance that requires them to vote a straight Democrat ticket for life, and thereafter as needed in really tight elections.

According to Miquel Martinez Garcia Rodriquez Tejada Pena Hernandez, voting for Democrats is just as distasteful to enlightened tax-weary Mexican peasants as it is to most Americans.

Besides, liberals are constantly pushing affirmative action and diversity programs that will only get in the way of macho politics once the new Hispanic majority takes over America, which could come sooner rather later if Americans are stupid enough to elect a Democrat president and Congress in 2008!

In other words, affirmative action is a civil rights imperative as long as white people remain the majority, but will become an evil tool of racism when used to knowingly help minority Caucasians.

President Bush, reached on Air Force One en route to campaigning for the presidency of the North American Union (NAU) next week, had this to say to illegal aliens tempted by savage nation offers:

"I encourage all good hearted, hard working illegal aliens to do their invading the "American Way." In other words, just jump a fence and head north.

Upon arriving in 'merica, immediately apply for food stamps, welfare, education, and health care benefits to establish a history of residency and dependency.

Next, have an "anchor baby" or six to keep Chertoff from shipping your illegal butt back.

Then just kick back and wait. In short order, a batch of traitorous RINOs, lead by a dysfunctional president, will pass an amnesty bill --it will be called guest worker to confuse the taxpaying public--and before you can join a protest march to demand your non-existent rights, y'all will be legalized and on a fast path to citizenship.

All without selling your souls or scalps to the real savages--i.e., the Democrats!

Above all else, amigos, remember that Uncle Sam will soon be Uncle NAU, and your beloved Jorge will be presidente of the NAU!

, kemosabe?"

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Chinese Jew Saves Michael Savage!

Ed Jew, Member of San Francisco Board of Superviors

Satire By John W. Lillpop

San Francisco's unofficial city motto---"Our Diversity is our greatest strength!" ---is generally recognized as socialist pap, an Oath of Allegiance to insanity by the far left.

But in a delicious twist of political irony that even Dr. Michael Savage and his eight million devotees are celebrating, diversity actually won the day against a band of Nazi-fascists masquerading as elected officials in San Francisco.

Our story begins with a July 5 broadcast of the Savage Nation in which Dr. Savage commented about a gang of ill informed students who announced a fast to publicize support for changes to U.S. immigration policy so as to coddle illegal aliens. Such changes would essentially wipe out our borders and eliminate the rule of law in order to accommodate invading criminals.

"I would say, let them fast until they starve to death," quipped Savage, "then that solves the problem."

As usual, the good doctor hit the old nail right on the head. Savage might have added that fasting is an option that more health conscious Latinos should seriously consider in order to avoid obesity and related diseases like diabetes that can come from enjoying refried beans and taco chips in excess.

However, Savage is a savvy intellectual who selects his words carefully, and who is meticulous in working to communicate universal truths without piling on.

Sadly, Savage's verbal restraint was all but lost on San Francisco Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval, a portly Latino, who found universal truth a bit too much too swallow.

Said the out-of-touch Sandoval "This attempt to vilify Latino-Americans will not be tolerated."

In the interest of accuracy, it should be pointed out that Savage made no attempt to "vilify Latino-Americans."

Although he did not say so, I suspect Dr. Savage might have responded to Sandoval as follows, "To hell with vilification! Let's just deport the 12-30 million illegal aliens, most of whom are Latino invaders, and let Mexico, Nicaragua, Peru, Guatemala, and other third-world cesspools feed the free-loading scam artists!"

But back to Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval. After digesting Savage's comments, the supervisor decided that free speech is as "extravagant luxury" that San Francisco can no longer afford.

Therefore, in the interest of zero tolerance for tolerance, Sandoval waddled to the fore and introduced a resolution condemning the constitutionally protected speech of America's favorite talk show host.

Just to be fair, Sandoval translated his tortured illogic into Spanish and German. An English translation has been promised by the end of the week, although Sandoval warns that a "foreign language convenience fee" may be assessed to cover costs.

Just when it appeared as though Dr. Savage was doomed to be an innocent victim of the unholy alliance between illegal immigration and San Francisco Nazi fascists, an angel of freedom and light emerged to save the day.

Ed Jew, a San Francisco Board of Supervisors member whose grandfather emigrated from China seven decades ago, voted against the evil resolution.

"For the record, I do not agree with comments allegedly made by Mr. Savage, but the First Amendment gives him the right to make those comments," Jew said.

Supervisor Jew demonstrated his understanding of what it means to be an American, even if others members of the Board of Supervisors are completely clue less.

Jew's NO! turned out to be the only vote for democratic principle among supervisors who voted 9-1 to trash the First Amendment in favor of harboring illegal aliens.

Nonetheless, Mr. Jew's heroic and patriotic vote put an end to Sandoval's reckless experiment with Nazism in the city that used to know how.

Viva Michael Savage, Ed Jew, American sovereignty, and the rule of law!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Karl Rove Bails, W Places "Help Wanted" Sign In White House Window

Satire By John W. Lillpop

The BREAKING NEWS headline that disrupted my breakfast this morning concerned the emergency removal of 250 pounds of noxious hot air and polluted flab from the White House.

Translation: Karl Rove, AKA George W. Bush's pet that is part buffalo and part snake, has decided that enough damage has been done to the U.S. Constitution, America's global image, our national pride, and the Bush family tree.

Consequently, Rove is leaving the White House at the end of August upon completion of his most critical assignment: Overseeing the month- long vacation of the most work-adverse president in U.S. history.

That, of course, is George W. Bush, whose neurotic obsession with being in Crawford, Texas every August may be his only hope for a lasting legacy.

Say what you will about W, but the man DID lead by example. For instance, he did a world of good by convincing Iraq's Parliament to abandon Jihad, decapitations, and other sacred Muslim rituals for the entire month of August.

Pity that leadership did not spill over into the insurgency community and the streets of Baghdad!

But back to the unsinkable (fat floats!) Karl Rove: Not so very long ago, Rove was considered a political genius, a virtuoso who could do no wrong.

Blessed with an IQ too robust to measure on standardized tests, Rove was like a balding, out-of-shape version of Harry Potter--a wizard with the magic and sorcery needed to save the Republican party.

Only an improbable combination of genius and wizardry would explain Rove's masterful feat in getting George W. Bush elected President of the United States, and reelected to boot.

Without magic wands, incantations, and complex curses at his command, there is no way that Rove would stand a chance at winning with a candidate who is unable to string two cogent sentences back-to-back, who creates words like "Hispanically" and "strategery," and who makes your cross-eyed, demented aunt sound presidential.

Unfortunately for Rove, the snake pit that is Washington, D.C., has whittled him down to size, at least with respect to influence, if not girth.

No longer in the same league as Harry Potter, Rove has assumed the persona of Voldermort, public enemy number one.

Rove's failures include alienating the Republican base, and losing both the U.S. House and Senate to the dreaded Democrats. That is not cool for the resume of a highly touted political strategist.

Finally, at long last, Rove has taken the hint and is leaving the White House. Unconfirmed reports indicate that his next gig will be as the CEO of See's Candy.

If Rove's track record in Washington, D.C., is any indication, See's public image as America's favorite purveyor of chocolate sweets will quickly deteriorate into a flat-footed tie with Red China as the least trusted and most despised source for rat poison in the world.

To replace Rove, President Bush needs a young, intellectually gifted, well-educated, sophisticated, flame-throwing conservative who can take the heat off the president long enough to allow the Bush legacy dream team to do its job.

But these are tough times and Bush may find it difficult to replace the utterly forgettable Karl Rove. To help the president find the ideal candidate, I have written the following ad:

"Help Wanted:

Fashionable home in nation's capitol needs sacrificial lamb for 15-month assignment as assistant to commander in chief. Must be as slippery as a greased pig, adept at lying on national television to top government officials, skilled in deniable plausibility, and able to cover up for a dyslexic cowboy with drink problem and below average English.

Ideal candidate will be a cross between Yogi Berra and Ken Lay. Spanish speaker a real plus!

Apply within and ask for W, the unifier."

Best wishes to the president in his effort to replace Karl Rove with a savvy figure whose own savvy does not over shadow the wit and wisdom of W himself!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Winnowing Through the 2008 Presidential Candidates

Satire By John W. Lillpop

As the presidential campaign winds down to the last 15 months, the "dog days" of democracy if you will, likely voters are being inundated with information that will be essential to making informed, intelligent decisions in November 2008.

Unfortunately, all of that "essential" information will either be forgotten or irrelevant by the time America finally gets around to voting.

Which is why I have devised the following simple approach to winnowing through the various candidates, their respective positions on the issues, and a final Go/No Go analysis.

This database uses all of the latest scientific polling data as well as exit polls conducted at Sam's Lounge just before closing time each Saturday night. To assure the validity of this exit poll, only those sober enough to know they are drunk are included in the numbers.

The Lillpop 2008 Straw Winnowing as of August 11, 2008:

Hillary Clinton is too masculine, whereas Ron Paul's voice sounds as though his underwear fits too tightly.

Barack Obama is not black enough, whereas Rev. Al Sharpton is too much so.

Mitt Romney is a plagiarist, or is that polygamist?

Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo are not Hispanic enough, whereas Bill Richardson and Sam Brownback are too much so.

Christopher Dodd is too anti-war, whereas John McCain is too pro-war.

Fred Thompson is too Reaganesque, whereas Rudy Giuliani is not enough like America's 40th president.

Mike Huckabee is a former governor of Arkansas. America recently elected another former governor from that state, and is still paying dearly for that tragic mistake.

Joe Biden does not have enough hair, whereas John Edwards has way too much.

After all of the scientific culling criteria have been applied, one is left with the two most viable candidates for the U.S. presidency in 2008.

That would be Dennis Kucinich on the Democrat side and Tommy Thompson on the Republican side.

Mind you, this should not be construed as a statement regarding whether Kucinich or Thompson is qualified. Rather, it reflects the fact that these two losers are such complete unknowns that no one is even aware that they are candidates!

How about a bipartisan disaster? A Dennis Kucinich -Tommy Thompson ticket in 2008!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

San Francisco Home to King and Queen of Corruption

By John W. Lillpop

With his prodigious home run in San Francisco on August 7, Barry Bonds became the most prolific slugger in major league baseball history going back more than 110 years.

However, because the surly 43-year old used performance-enhancing steroids during his banner years, Bonds is also accurately known as the King of Corruption, at least to fans other than those in San Francisco.

In a post-game propaganda dance with the media after his 756th homer, Bonds was asked if the fact that his newly minted record is "tainted" makes it less valuable.

Bonds replied testily, "This record is not tainted. Not at all."

Right on, Barryoids!

How then does one explain why Peter Macgowan, managing general partner of the San Francisco Giants, was not on hand in San Diego last Saturday night when Bonds smashed homer 755?

Perhaps Macgowan was just too busy to even call his aging superstar with wishes of congratulations? Or maybe the toll call between San Francisco and San Diego was an excess that the Giants could simply not afford, especially in tight budget times brought on by paying Bonds $18 million in 2007?

And how does one explain Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig being a "no show" at the historic event? Hint: "Other, more pressing commitments," is not a believable answer.

Finally, an explanation is needed as to why Bonds' personal trainer and "friend" Greg Anderson sits in jail while Bonds blithely trashes the integrity of the greatest sport known to man.

Anderson, it will be remembered, plead guilty to conspiracy to distribute steroids and to money laundering in 2005. Anderson's current stint in jail is the result of refusing to testify before a federal grand jury that is investigating the unlovable Barry Bonds for perjury.

Only liberal loons of the type occupying San Francisco would argue that there is no link between Greg Anderson, steroids, Barry Bonds, and the all time home run record.

Of course, San Francisco's contribution to the world of sleaze is hardly limited to the world of sports. Does the name Nancy Pelosi ring a bell?

After the outrageous vote fraud perpetrated on the floor of the U.S. House on August 2, Speaker Pelosi should be regarded as the Queen of Fraud. Pelosi and her conniving liberal crooks openly stole a vote in order to give illegal aliens benefits to which they are not entitled.

Bonds and Pelosi: The King and Queen of Corruption, both proud patrons of the City that used to know how! AKA, San Francisco.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Obama's "Diplomatic" Solution: Invade Pakistan!

By John W. Lillpop

In a bold move calibrated to reassure voters that he would be sufficiently strident to serve as America's commander in the war on terror, Barack Obama announced that as president he might send U.S. troops into Pakistan to hunt down and destroy terrorists.


This charismatic, clean, and articulate senator from Illinois showed his grit even further by putting Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf on notice that Pakistan risks an invasion by U.S. forces unless the nation cleans up it's act.

Although Senator Obama declined to formally declare war against Pakistan at this time, he reaffirmed that all options remain on the table, pending the results of the 2008 elections and other bureaucratic distractions.

An Obama administration would be under enormous pressure from a Democratic Congress and mainstream media to do Pakistan "smart," in order to avoid a historic blunder of the type that ensnared George Bush in Iraq.

Democrats being what they are, Obama might find it extremely difficult to translate his "tough talk" into military action on the ground in Pakistan.

Indeed, a Democratic Congress would insist on a mind-boggling series of checks and balances, balances and checks, and oversights while demanding answers to questions such as the following:

Contingency Planning:
What is the U.S. exit strategy?
What is the U.S. strategy for surrender and retreat?
What is the cost of the invasion and subsequent occupation in terms of equivalent years of health care insurance for children?

Impact on Global Warming:
What impact will this incursion into a foreign, Muslim nation have on the worldwide war on global warming?

Shared Sacrifice and Affirmative Action:
Will all Americans be called upon to sacrifice equally?
Will women, gays, lesbians, transgenders, the handicapped, and all racial minorities be appropriately represented on the ground in Pakistan?
What steps will be taken to assure that American Islamofascists functioning in sleeper cells are allowed to serve without discrimination?

Environmental Concerns:
Will this invasion disturb any existing ecosystems in Pakistan?
Will the invasion harm the endangered cross-eyed purple ditch worm found only in Pakistan?
Are "smart" bombs and other U.S. weapons free of asbestos, lead, anthrax and other agents that could stunt the growth of innocent Pakistani children?

Diplomacy, Diplomacy, Diplomacy!
Before being allowed to rush off to war, the Obama administration would be required to prove that all efforts at diplomacy have been exhausted.

Democratic fuss-budgets would be looking for concrete evidence that the Obama administration has engaged in talk, talk, talk, and more talk with President Gen. Pervez Musharraf, Taliban and Al-Quaeda leaders, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Russian President Vladamir Putin, and all other known enemies of America.

Coordination With Allies:
Those same Democratic fuss-budgets would demand to know if France, Japan, Germany, the UK, Australia and other U.S. Allies agree with the proposed invasion. They would also ask if alternative ideas were discussed and examined.

United Nations Approval:
Once the Obama proposal has been completed, the president would be required to submit the plan to the United Nations, and seek approval in the Security Council.

No bilateral military action by the United States could be taken without advance UN approval.

Congressional Approval:
Finally, after overcoming all other hurdles, Obama would be required to secure congressional approval from both chambers. Unfortunately for the president, both chambers are controlled by anti-war, anti-American liberals who instinctively oppose any military action that would advance the national interests of America and her three hundred million citizens.

Bottom Line:
Obama would be well advised to set his sights lower in order to exercise his invasion and war making powers.

For example, dispatching thousands of American troops to handle a nasty situation in Haiti or the Dominican Republic would receive immediate Congressional approval, provided there were no vital American interests involved.

Good luck, Obama!

And to Pakistan's Pervez Musharraf, this advise: Do not fret, because the likelihood of Barack Obama being elected president of the United States is about the same as the U.S. Constitution being revised to allow George W. Bush to seek a third term in 2008!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.