satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

How High the Moon? Or How High the Astronauts?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

How High the Moon? Or How High the Astronauts?

When NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arrested on a variety of charges last February, her travails appeared to be yet another example of radical liberalism gone amuck.

Although Nowak was charged with serious crimes, her motivation appeared to be romantic passion, a typical vulnerability for a feminist who might be better off pregnant, barefoot, and consigned to the kitchen, rather than trying to function as a scientist for NASA where emotional stability is vital.

As it turns out, Nowak is not entirely alone in betraying the public image of American astronauts as models of clean living and exemplary sobriety.

Indeed, the panel that was investigating the sex-mad Nowak now reports that, from time to time, other space bound heroes have been in their cups during
actual missions.

Can you imagine being tipsy while trying to operate the sophisticated gadgetry and technology need to blast six other astronauts into space? Some of whom are probably also "impaired" by a libation or ten, and thus of little value as backups!

Sounds as though NASA has an urgent need for a "designated driver" as part of it's "Looped in Space" deal

But before judging our spacey heroes too harshly, one should consider their plight. These men and women are about to be strapped inside a giant phallic symbol aimed at the Moon, Mars, or God know where, above tons of explosive rocket fuel.

At the designated moment, the rocket fuel ignites, causing the ground to rumble for miles, followed by a huge ball of fire as the ship lifts off the launch pad. Seven decent American heroes, sober and drunk, thus begin their space odyssey on behalf of the American people.

How does one prepare for that, if not with copious amounts of Vodka, Gin, and Cognac? Especially when visions from that awful Challenger tragedy in 1986 refuse to leave one's immediate consciousness without alcohol as a persuasive agent?

In the end, being "looped in space" may be the only way to deal with the entire situation.

Still, there is some good news from that NASA panel report: We now know that being drunk does not automatically mean one cannot operate a space ship!

That means that the illegal alien population, where driving while drunk is almost as common as stealing public services, may be a terrific resource for future NASA missions.

In addition, promoting the idea that illegal aliens might be used as involuntary astronauts could be invaluable in preventing further illegal immigration from Mexico, and in encouraging the millions currently here illegally to self-deport.

Picture the scene: Hundreds of would be invaders gather at a bar in Mexico City to attend a seminar organized for the purpose of providing the latest tips and information for invading America successfully.

A Homeland Security video (produced in the United States but without attribution) shows a rocket ship rocking back and forth on a launching pad as tons of rocket fuel explodes beneath the ship. As the nose of the ship soars into space, a Spanish language voice-over informs prospective invaders of the following:

"This is what happens to undocumented amigos caught in America. They are shot into space as part of the new U.S. deportation program, never to be seen again!

Avoid being shipped to outer space for eternity --stay home in Mexico!"

Heck, I will drink to that!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Canada's Coin Con

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Since 9/11, most Americans, excepting President Bush, Democrats, and RINOs, have felt a growing concern about the threat posed by our southern neighbors.

Indeed, given the Mexican government's decision to solve poverty in Mexico by moving it to the U.S., it certainly appears as though an undeclared war is being waged against America and her good citizens.

However, while all reasonable and patriotic eyes have been trained on our porous southern border, our once reliable friends to the north have taken advantage of our disaffection with Mexico in order to execute a sinister plot against the U.S. economy and well being of the American people.

I refer to Canada's Coin Con, as manifested by the scores of millions of Canadian quarters that have been dumped on unsuspecting Americans from sea to shining sea.

How can a simple coin be so unsettling to the most powerful and prosperous nation in the world?

Glad you asked, mate!

For it is an immutable fact that the Canadian government is plotting to take over the United States with it's high technology Poppy Quarter spying technology.


In addition to Canada's vicious plan to take over governance of the U.S., the infusion of the Canadian quarter into America has other dire consequences, the most grave of which is the Coin Rejection Ploy.

Who has not experienced the anger and mind-blowing frustration of being desperately in need of a cool refreshing soda, in 111-degree heat, only to discover that the next retail outlet is 50 miles removed?

The only way to get a cool one is through a quarters only machine.

You do not panic because you believe you just might have the six quarters needed to stave off death by dehydration and or heat prostration.

But time is of the essence, so you move with haste to empty your pockets of all coins, and you begin counting.

Twenty-five cents, fifty cents, seventy-five cents, one dollar, and one dollar and twenty-five cents, and Praise Be the Lord, quarter six is found!

Salvation through fear has saved the day.

You race over to the life-saving vending machine and, in prayerful thankfulness, drop each precious quarter into the machine.

Won't be long now you say to yourself, in anticipation of that first gulp of ice cold soda, which until now had always been nothing more than a recreational drink.

Soda is now a spiritual commodity.

As your mouth quivers with excitement, you drop the sixth quarter into the machine. The CLANK resounding from the coin return slot tells you that something is amiss.

Mindful of the very limited time left before you melt in public, you grab the wonky coin, clean it thoroughly, and redeposit the SOB.


Several other attempts yield the same dreary result. CLANK!

With no absolutely zero chance of surviving for more than two or three hours, you inspect the offending coin and make the jarring discovery:

It's a bloody Canadian coin!

Another American victim of the brutal and inhumane Coin Rejection Ploy, engineered by evil Canadians to put the U.S. vending machine sector out of business.
Very cunning and diabolical!

But there may be hope.

Reliable sources are reporting that President Bush has taken off his gloves and intends to personally fight the Canadian Coin Con.

Opel Bijiquiovarti, beltway insider and possible numismatist, has sent us a bootlegged copy of a top secret, confidential memo from President Bush to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Joseph Harper.

Bijiquiovarti is acting under the condition of anonymity.

The Bush March 3, 2007 memo to Stephen Joseph Harper is presented without change or revision below:

March 3, 2007

Stephen Joseph Harper, Right Most Honoruable

Yo! Harpo!

How are things in the land of Poppy and Maple Leafs, your Right Most Honoruable?

By the way, what is with than extra U? Yo! Blair! had the same problem--must be a language flaw in Britain and her subject nations?

We trust that you are finding success in your efforts to ward off those legions of commie pinkos that have infested your treasured nation. Please remember that Canada must be "commie free" in order to qualify for the North American Union (NAU) that will replace Canada, Mexico, and the United States on January 21, 2009.

I am writing today to voice my concern over a very serious situation involving the very dangerous influx of Canadian quarters into the American currency.

Until recently, this phenomena has been limited to disturbing a few knot heads stupid enough to drop a Canadian quarter into an American vending machine.

Big deal--NOT!

However, a recent event in Mexico has brought to note the serious nature of the Canadian Coin Con, as this crime against humanity is being called in Washington, D.C., and Mexico City.

The story: This afternoon, I received an urgent text message from Felipe Calderon, President of what some naively continue to call Mexico.

Felipe reported that a major scuffle had broken out in Tijuana between several hundred good hearted, hard working Mexicans who wished to migrate north without papers and a Coyote, a gentleman who would smuggle said Mexicans to safe haven within the U.S. in exchange for a reasonable payment of pesos.

Apparently all systems were go: The Mexican peasants had loaded all of their worldly goods into several Coyote vans, and the final step was for the Coyote to collect his smuggling fees.

Ranchero Dingynez, leader of the peasants, happily turned over 3,450 bags of coins to the Coyote for the trip north. Just to be on the safe side, Dingynez had arranged that very morning to convert the life savings of all the peasants into American quarters.

There was no room for error at this point.

That, Mr. Harpo, is when all Hades broke loose!

To begin with, the Coyote was pissed off at being paid with nearly 3,500 bags of coins. Good gravy, in the smuggling trade one looks to draw as little attention to one's self as possible.

Hauling 3,500 bags into a bank does not pass the "under the radar" smell test.

Then came the REAL bad news: All coins in those bags were Canadian quarters! A currency not accepted by low-life smugglers!

As a result of this Canadian coin kerfuffel, America lost several hundred mindless laborers needed to pick grapes and Avocados for $3.00 an hour, fourteen hours a day, in 120-degree heat!

Harpo, as you and I have discussed openly, I see a bright future for you in my NAU administration starting in 2009. In order to retain your favorable position, I urge you to take immediate action to keep those damn Canadian quarters out of America.

See to it!


President George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Whatever Happened To "Character " In American Sports?

By John W. Lillpop

Competitive sports programs have long been touted as a means for building character in young people. Advocates claim that vital lessons in disciple, teamwork, dealing with authority, moral turpitude, and ethics can accrue to those engaged in sports.

However, contrary to the wisdom which holds that hitting a baseball, tackling a runner, or blocking a dunk attempt can build character, current events indicate quite the opposite.

The fact is that the top three major sports in America are presently embroiled in meltdown, or near meltdown, because of moral and legal transgressions on the part of athletes and a referee.

Most egregious and harrowing is the situation in the National Basketball Association (NBA).

According to reports, the Mafia was able to bribe former NBA referee Tom Donaghy into making calls that enabled the Mafia to win gambling bets based on total points scored.

Has there ever been a more devastating moment in the history of professional sports? The Mafia in control of scoring on the basketball court?

While NBA Commissioner David Stern fights an uphill battle to retain a semblance of integrity for professional basketball, the National Football League is navigating it's own minefield in the Michael Vick animal abuse scandal.

Vick was arraigned on July 26 and pleaded (shock!) not guilty. His trial begins on November 26, which means the airwaves will be overwhelmed with Vick mania during the holidays.

All of which begs an urgent question: Is Michael Vick still on the Christmas card mailing list of Arthur Blank, owner of the Atlanta Falcons? How about NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell?

Meanwhile, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig works full time to come up with a reasonable way to deal with the Barry Bonds kerfuffel.

His task is formidable because while Selig wants to fully celebrate Bonds' 756th home run as a monumental occasion, he wishes just as passionately to ignore the moment.

Here is a possible solution, Bud: Declare yourself temporarily brain dead and unable to function as commissioner until further notice.

Such a scam would be immediately accepted by fans and the media since most already believe you are brain dead.

The tricky part will come after Bonds launches 756 on someone else's watch and Selig tries to reclaim the powers of the commissioner, sans responsibility of course.

The current crises in sports should be a wake up call to parents throughout America. A new message concerning the rearing of children might read like this:

In dealing with youngsters displaying a clear pre-disposition to becoming murderers, robbers, drug dealers, rapists, and abusers of dogs, forget salvation through sports.

Instead, send the brats to reform schools where they will have their wiry butts pounded into submission!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Perils of Starring While Black

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Those who are who are neither black nor athletically talented cannot really appreciate the cross that black superstar athletes are forced to bear in the contemporary sports world.

In the parlance of the time, you have not walked in their shoes, so you simply do not understand.

For instance, take Michael Vick. (An action that officials of the National Football League and Atlanta Falcons would heartily welcome!)

Vick is a 27-year-old quarterback and black messiah all rolled into one. He is THE MAN expected to lead a contingent of athletes from Atlanta to the Super Bowl, perhaps several times over the next decade or so.

Vick's star is so bright that some political pundits are predicting a political career for the charismatic athlete. Senator Joe Biden even went so far as to note that Vick is "clean and articulate," a sure sign that the quarterback is a man to be reckoned with in Democrat politics.

In just ten short years, Biden added, Vick will be old enough to run for the presidency.

That was the sort of upbeat optimism surrounding Vick. Before last Wednesday, that is.

But Vick's star came crashing to earth when the ebullient superstar was sacked with a federal indictment for intentionally grounding a few dogs in Virginia.

Having seen the "dog fighting" clips on the news 2,00,890,123 times over the past four days, the Vick indictment seems flimsy from a legal perspective, and vastly overblown as breaking news.

A "high tech lynching," seems an apt description for the woes faced by Michael Vick.

In the interest of being factual, it is prudent to point out that all of the mutts Vick is alleged to have mistreated are obviously animal shelter rejects, half-breeds destined to be put down sooner rather than later.

The only debate is whether lethal injection by a vet would be more "humane" than being hung, electrocuted, shot, slammed to death, or all of the above, by a black hero and media star just trying to augment his $100 million football income with a little extra entertainment revenue.

Yet, Vick is being pummeled in the media for his entrepreneurial zeal as if he were some sinister, evil character guilty of unspeakable acts. You know, a George W. Bush type of guy.

Even Joe Biden has changed his opinion, and now contends that Vick could not be elected dogcatcher.

Meanwhile on the west coast, another black superstar is being abused, mistreated, and made to feel like a slave.

That would be the unlovable Mr. Bonds--Barry Bonds.

Bonds is sitting on 753 home runs and with three more will pass Henry Aaron, thereby becoming the all time career leader and holder of the most coveted record in American sports.

However, being the most prolific home run hitter in baseball history does not automatically make the San Francisco superstar's life a bed of roses. Thorns aplenty were apparent when it was recently announced that the term of the grand jury investigating Bonds for perjury and tax evasion has been extended six months.

Adding to Bond' woes is the behavior of Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig who has all but ignored the historic event that is about to overwhelm San Francisco.

Selig, it appears, would rather be caught playing high-stakes poker with Pete Rose than commenting on Barry Bonds, Henry Aaron, or the number 756.

Meanwhile, Bonds' attorney, Michael Rains, is working the court of public opinion by denouncing the federal investigation of his client. In his latest stunt,
Rains claimed that any decision to indict Bonds would likely be made by George W. Bush himself.

Playing the "Bush card" is a new low even for Rains. Still the stakes are high so one should not be surprised at the extremes to which a lawyer making $500 an hour will go in order to defend his client.

Given the fact that he earns only $18 million a year, Bonds is perfectly justified in feeling like an enslaved victim!

Oh, the perils of starring while black in America!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Helen Thomas: Not Just Another Pretty Face!

Satire by John Lillpop

Helen Thomas of the Washington Press Corps has a face and voice that only a mother could truly love.

Provided said mother happened to be a blind and deaf liberal, that is!

ALL liberals are dumb, so calling out that defect would be redundant.

Thomas has been haunting presidential press conferences for nearly 50 years. In the 50 years prior to that, she was Herman Munster on The Munsters, a role for which she was uniquely qualified because she required absolutely no make up, and even earlier, Thomas was the scare crow in the Wizard of Oz.

As the oldest living journalist to be on the payroll of both the DNC and UPI at the same time, one can see years of wear and tear played out on Thomas' haggard face.

Rumor has it that every question that she has asked of a sitting president is commemorated by wrinkle on Helen's face.

That rumor appears to be substantiated by the fact that, over the past six years, President Bush has almost never called on the combative lefty--owing to the fact that there is simply no room left on her kisser for new wrinkles!

But on July 12, President Bush broke his own rules and allowed Thomas to pose the first question in the newly renovated White House pressroom.

In her typical thankless and classless manner, Thomas pulled no punches and demanded that the president explain his actions with respect to the Iraq war, a conflict she described as "Your war" to the beleaguered president.

Thomas' acting out should come as no great surprise to anyone, least of all to George W. Bush.

Remember, according to this pillar of journalistic objectivity and fairness, the following truths pertain to the criminal and unconstitutional war in Iraq:

* The Iraq War Joint Resolution, passed by the U.S. House on October 10, 2002, including 81 Yea votes from Democrats, passed by the U.S. Senate on October 11, 2002, including 29 yea votes from Democrats, and signed into law by President Bush on October 16, 2002, in no way makes the Iraq quagmire anything but "Bush's war."

According to Thomas, the president could, and should have, vetoed the joint resolution.

* Before George W. Bush personally invaded Baghdad, no terrorist or potential terrorist had ever stepped foot in Iraq. In fact, Al-Quaeda and other terrorist organizations were completely unaware that Iraq even existed until March of 2003.

Terrorists throughout the Muslim world have flocked to Iraq in direct response to Bush's arrogant "Bring them On!" challenge.

* UN Resolution 1441, approved unanimously by the UN Security Council, is irrelevant because it did not authorize Bush to invade Iraq or to have Saddam Hussein hanged.

* The terrorist attacks of 9/11 were probably "staged" by Bush and Dick Cheney just so that the administration could declare wholesale war on Muslim nations, and especially Iraq.

Iraq was made a prime target in order to atone for Saddam Hussein's attempt to assassinate Bush 41, and to "grow" Cheney's equity position in Halliburton and Enron.

Whatever Helen Thomas' biases and journalistic failings may be, it is a lead pipe cinch that she has never been, and never will be, accused of making her way to the top with a pretty face and raw sex appeal.

That is just not Helen Thomas!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Time to End the Spanish Imposition

By John W. Lillpop

During the Spanish Inquisition, Jews, near Jews, closet Jews, those friendly to Jews, and those suspected of being friendly to Jews were subjected to harrowing episodes of intolerance and misery unequaled in history.

Until now, that is.

We the people have been hoodwinked by a coalition of civil rights scam artists, third world freeloaders, ACLU lawyers, liberal politicians, leftist educators, confused Catholics, and Marxist librarians working 24/7 to create a United States of Babel by eradicating the English language from our land.

The technical name for this travesty is the Spanish Imposition and it is evident everywhere.

One sees and hears Spanish imposed on an unwilling public at Sears and Target stores, fast food eateries, cemeteries, libraries, outlets for dispensing social services, banks, car washes, and all other public locations were two or more illegal aliens are likely to assemble. That means everywhere!

The Spanish Imposition has found it's way to voting ballots, and the presidential campaigns. Christopher Dodd and Bill Richardson, Democrat presidential candidates without a single clue between them, are even going to debate in Spanish just to prove that they are capable of delivering bilingual lies.

Things have gotten so crazy in Los Angeles that the Mexican national anthem is played before every game at Dodgers Stadium, otherwise known by liberals and illegal aliens as Chavez ravine.

Of course the Dodgers also play the Star Spangled Banner, provided someone remembers to remind the events coordinator. It is rumored that the Dodgers even arrange for the anthem to be performed in English on especially patriotic holidays like Memorial Day and Independence Day; however, that detail cannot be confirmed.

Those who speak English only are at a distinct disadvantage while trying to transact any of the following business in California:

( )Receive medical care at an emergency room;

( )Order a meal from a restaurant, fast food or higher end;

( )Arrange landscaping or gardening services;

( )Seek social services from a local, state, or federal agency;

( )Have one's home cleaned;

( )Get one's car washed; or

( )Attempt to communicate with garbage men, cable installers, handymen, roofers, and ICE employees.

Communications between English only and Spanish only speakers can be chaotic, confusing, and outrageously funny as the following dialogue from the 1975 British Comedy, Fawlty Towers, demonstrates.

AR is Alice Richards, an elderly English woman with an acute hearing problem and absolutely no Spanish language skills, while M is Manuel, a low-level hotel worker from Spain who speaks perfect Spanish, but whose English skills are minimal at best.

AR is trying to check in at the Fawlty Towers hotel and has been turned over to Manuel for processing.

AR: Now, I asked for a first class room with a bath and a sea view. I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation, so please make sure I have it.

M: Que?

AR: What?

M: Que?

AR: K?

M: Si!

AR: See?

M: Nodding enthusiastically.

AR: K see? K see? What are you trying to say?

M: No, no, no! Que, what!

R: K what?

M: Si! Que what!

R: CK What?

M: Yes!

Ar: Who is CK What?

M: Que?

On and on it goes. Suffice it to say, Manuel was unable to help Alice Richards and she made it to her room only after being rescued by an English speaking hotel clerk.

Although the Fawlty Towers episode is very funny, real life confrontations between English and Spanish speakers is all too serious and frustrating to both sides.

Although I firmly believe that English should be the official language of the United States, I do not agree with some of my eccentric right wing friends who would make speaking Spanish in public a felony.

As a compassionate conservative, I believe that those guilty of a first offense should be charged with a misdemeanor. However, those caught speaking Spanish a second time should be arrested on felony charges, held without bail, and deported as soon as possible!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Is America Ready For It's Second Mexican President?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico and shrill for Old Mexico when it comes to illegal aliens, should be arrested.

The man is guilty of numerous transgressions including DWI (driving while incompetent), treason, aiding and abetting fugitives escape the grasp of the law, and most dramatically, false advertising in order to confuse, delude, and deceive American voters.

While any one of Richardson's sins should immediately disqualify him from consideration for the Democrat presidential nomination, it is his false advertising foible that has constitutional scholars and those who champion ethics and truth in politics most distressed.

As anyone who follows politics knows, Richardson has bragged that, if elected, he would become the first Mexican president in U.S. history.

However, that reckless claim is a blatant and deliberate lie, and Bill Richardson knows it.

Anyone who has paid even the slightest bit of attention to U.S. President Bush over the past six years knows that George W. Bush is the very first Mexican president in our nation's history.

Mind you, W has no Latino blood running through his dyslexic, alcoholic veins, has no family genealogy that traces his family Bush back to Old Mexico, and he speaks Spanish just slightly better than he speaks English.

Which is to say not very well at all!

Nonetheless, given his policies concerning open borders, amnesty for invading criminals, no illegal alien left behind, and other outrageous attempts to Mexicanize America, George W. Bush is truly the first Mexican president to misgovern the United States!

Albeit, Richardson has been more proactive than W in one regard: He has joined forces with the president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, in initiating programs to eradicate poverty in Mexico.

To date, that program has been limited to chauffeuring illegal aliens across the scorching desert heat in air-conditioned stretch limousines to the U.S. border and dropping said miscreants off within ten feet of the promised land.

The Calderon-Richardson scheme to end poverty in Mexico provides illegal aliens with detailed maps of Arizona, California, and Texas, including directions to the nearest ACLU branches, welfare and food stamp claim stations, and Forged ID discount centers.

Illegal aliens also receive a Spanish-language telephone directory that lists cell phone numbers and e-mail addresses for prosecutor Johnny Sutton, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, the United Nations, Amnesty International, and Eddie "Piolín" Sotelo a former illegal alien now broadcasting live from what used to be Los Angeles.

When asked why aliens are not provided with detailed maps of his home state of New Mexico, Richardson replied that budgets there are very tight right now, and that illegal aliens would surely fare much better in Arizona and California.

And what about Senor~ Jorge Bush, America's sixty-something Mexican president?

Do not count him out!

White House insiders report that Bush is working tirelessly to bring his new war czar, Douglas Lute, up to speed on "that Iraq thing," so that Bush can spend of all his waking hours on behalf of illegal aliens and his Mexican handlers.

All of which begs the crucial question of the day: How do you say legacy in Spanish?

Jamestown Settlements: Illegal Immigration Run Amuck

Satire By John W. Lillpop

During the recent debate on illegal immigration culminating with the defeat of amnesty bill S1639, conservatives generally voiced righteous indignation at proposed legislation that would legalize 12-30 million people who entered America illegally.

How dare peasants from third world nations thumb their noses at our borders, amnesty opponents demanded? How dare illegal aliens and their allies show so little regard for American sovereignty and rule of law? How dare foreign invaders march in the streets of major American cities while displaying foreign flags and demanding "rights" to which they are not entitled?

Those who spoke out against amnesty and in favor of enforcement were railed against as bigoted racists, xenophobes, and not committed to doing what is best for America. Worse of all, those charges were leveled at conservatives by fellow Republicans, including an addled president who claims to be Republican but whose policies and actions suggest quite the opposite.

Rarely has America been confronted with an issue as emotional, gut wrenching, and divisive as illegal immigration. However, illegal immigration, and resistance thereto, actually has a rich and storied place in American history.

To begin with, on April 26,1607, three British ships, the Susan Constant, the Godspeed, and the Discovery made landfall in the New World. The settlers aboard those three ships eventually established a settlement at what is now known as Jamestown.

Those original settlers were 104 brave men and boys (there were no women), all of whom were Caucasian Europeans who later became notorious for being angry white males.

Angry white males came to the New World only to pursue a better life for themselves and their families. In fact, however, these men and boys were America's first illegal aliens.

Considering the fact that they included no women in their sea faring adventures, the original settlers were also sexist pigs, misogynists, and probably latent homosexuals. Most probably died in San Francisco bars.

Native American Indians living in the Jamestown area in 1607 included the Pembroke, Paspahegh, Nansemonds, and Powhatan tribes, among others.

Indians were blatant in their use of racial profiling and discrimination against "pale face" Europeans, and were the nation's first bigoted racists and xenophobes.

In today's world, there would be an ACLU lawyer assigned to every few teepees just to keep an eye on those racist Indians and their tendency to engage in anti-white violence.

What a story that would be--the ACLU actually working on behalf of white folks for a change!

Had American Indians been successful in preventing good hearted, hard working white settlers from squatting in Jamestown back in 1607, America as we now know it would not exist.

How might America be different?


* Bows and arrows would still be the weapons of choice. Modern nuclear devices capable of instantly reducing a city like Moscow to a heap of ashes and leaving the city uninhabitable for 15,000 years would not be available.

* Smoke signals would still be in vogue as the primary communication media, leading to a pandemic of second hand smoke deaths;

* "Diversity Sucks, Red Power Rocks!" would be inscribed on all national currency and coins;

* Tribal gambling casinos in California would be open 24/7, not subject to any taxes, and exempt from all local, state, and federal laws;

* Retail answering machines would instruct callers to punch 1 for Indian, 2 for Spanish, and 3 to make an appointment with an Indian language instructor;

* The American bald eagle would be the meat of choice on days devoted to thanksgiving, while Turkeys would be an endangered species, and

* Islamic extremists would be honored for their devotion to mayhem and murder and would be revered for advanced beheading skills so similar to Indian scalping rituals.

Of course, American Indians were unable to stop illegal immigration.

Which is why the continent is now saddled with outrageous dunderheads and situations like George W. Bush, Nancy Pelosi, the IRS, Al Gore's Internet and global warming inventions, Paris Hilton, and excessive cell phone roaming charges!

To liberals, RINOs, and others intent on promoting illegal immigration: Remember the legacy of the Jamestown settlements, the subsequent decline of Native American Indians, and the ruination of the North American continent!
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Medicine + Jihad: Now That Is "Sicko"

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Is it too late to edit Michael Moore's objective, fair-minded, and honest review of America's health care system?

You know, that cinematic masterpiece titled Sicko, not to be confused with the nickname by which Moore is known in scores of psyche wards and fat farms,and by anyone who has had the misfortune of actually meeting the commie blob.

Sicko could be vastly improved by splicing in a few poignant scenes showing how Muslim physicians practice medicine in the name of Allah across the pond in the UK.

Just a few clips featuring IEDs, car bombs, and suicide bombers should be enough to show how Islamofascist doctors treat sick and dying infidels, Jews, and those suspected of being Jewish:

They blow them to bloody smithereens!

All of which helps to answer a most pressing question: How Did Islam become known as the "Religion of Peace"?

Turns out that is actually a misspelling--it should be "Religion of Piece."

As in a piece of a skull here, a piece of a leg there, a piece of a bowel there.

Nonetheless, liberals bent on destroying the world before global warming can beat them to the punch insist on using politically correct double talk to wax over the real nature of Islamic extremism.

For example, Gordon Brown, UK's new Prime Minister, has banned ministers from using the word “Muslim” in connection with the terrorism crisis. The Prime Minister has also instructed his team that the term “war on terror” is to be dropped.


Brown is responding to pressure from Muslim clerics and doctors who are demanding that greater sensitivity be used when discussing terrorist acts.

Islamic intellectuals have indicated that explosions originating with Muslims should be called "Involuntary Organ Donor Programs" to avoid stirring religious and ethnic biases and prejudices.

Still, there is much about Muslim medicine to love if you are Michael Moore.

Take the Muslim weight loss program, for instance. Unequaled in effectiveness, this miracle treatment guarantees a permanent loss without dieting, exercise, or fear of the yo-yo syndrome.

It's called decapitation, and in Moore's case, it could result in the immediate loss of 50 pounds of ugly fat!

And that would be a good thing--for infidels, Jews, closet Jews, and even Muslims!

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Pardon Me, President Clinton?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Chutzpah is defined as unbelievable gall, insolence, and audacity.

A more perfect word has not yet been devised to describe former President Bill Clinton and his tag partner with the "as needed" hillbilly accent, the redoubtable Hillary Rodham.

That would be the former first couple, commonly known in conservative circles as Slick and Slicker.

Slick and Slicker were in Iowa campaigning for yet another four years of fraud, neutering of the U.S. military, deceit, and kinky sexual escapades in the Oval Office when Slick decided to unload on President Bush over the Scooter Libby commutation.

New York Times:

Mind you, this is the same bloke who was auctioning off pardons from the War Room in the White House until the very last moments before the swearing in ceremony for President-elect Bush on January 20, 2001.

That would be the same Slick who set a Guinness Book record for the most felons, thugs, and liberal cronies pardoned in any twenty four hour period immediately preceding a change in administrations, while simultaneously engaged in sex with "that woman, " a chunky intern with the initials ML tattooed on her forehead.

Does the name Marc Rich ring a bell, Bill?

You know, Marc Rich, the fellow who had been charged with evading tens of millions of dollars in taxes, and who was the former husband of a top donor to Democrats and Slicker's first Senate campaign?

All in all, in the last hours of his presidency Slick pardoned about 150 disadvantaged untouchables that needed but a helping hand to overcome abuses heaped upon them by an unfair justice system.

In a sick sort of way, Slick provided an invaluable public service by ministering to those helpless souls.

In exchange, while signing pardon documents, Slick was briefly interrupted from acting out on his sex addiction, providing therapy for the thug, and freedom for the fellow thugs upon whom he was bestowing mercy.

And where was Slicker Clinton while Slick was doing work even the Holy Pope would not do?

Hillary Rodham Clinton, the woman who would love to be the 44th President of the United States, was working 24/7 loading a U-Haul trailer with china, paintings, furniture, and other booty nicked from the White House in the early morning hours of January 20, 2001.

Which, by the way, is the real reason why Slick and Slicker want so desperately to retake the White House:

Since January 21, 2001, the rocky Clinton marriage has resulted in dozens of pieces of beautiful china being thrown at Slick, missing the intended target, and being smashed into thousands of pieces of useless trash.

Slick and Slicker are seeking the White House in order to replenish their stolen china inventory!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.