satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

John McCain for President--of Panama!

By John W. Lillpop

The riddle involving John McCain's disdain for American citizens in favor of illegal aliens has finally been answered. Sort of answered, that is.

As it turns out, McCain was not born in the contiguous 48 states (the number of states way back when he was hatched) after all. He was, in fact, born in the Panama Canal Zone in 1936.

All of which brings up a thorny, but exciting question: Does McCain meet the "natural-born citizen" provision of the U.S. Constitution when it comes qualifying to be the president?

The issue will surely be brought up by Democrats in the general election should McCain be the Republican nominee. Legal scholars from all over the nation will spend billions of dollars to research, debate, and answer the burning question of our times: Is John McCain legit?

From a purely ideological perspective, the answer is a resounding NO! This man, John McCain, is unqualified to occupy the White House because of his anti-American positions on taxes, free speech, global warming, and most importantly, illegal aliens.

Republicans who really care for America should beat the Democrats to the punch and seize the moment. Why not declare John McCain ineligible for the presidency based on constitutional grounds, and do so now?

Follow that decree with an urgent plea to Mitt Romney that he "unsuspend" his campaign immediately. Awarding all delegates secured by McCain to Romney seems a reasonable, equitable way to resolve this messy kerfuffel.

Which is not to dismiss John McCain's presidential aspirations entirely. Let John McCain be the president--of Panama!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Fidel Castro Out, W In?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Fidel Castro's relinquishment of power in Cuba may be of far greater significance to America and the world than is immediately obvious to the untrained eye.

Namely, Castro's departure comes at nearly the same time as that of another English-challenged president, that being President George Bush whose final term will officially end on January 20, 2009.

At that happy day when he vacates the White House for the final time, Bush will be just 62 years of age, young enough to take on another major responsibility or two.

Given the Bush obsession with Latinos and Spanish, it seems a safe bet that W will throw his hat in the ring for the Presidency of Cuba.

That analysis is supported by Bush's recent statement to the Cuban people concerning their future, sans Fidel Castro. Bush said: "We will support you in your effort to build a transitional government in Cuba committed to democracy, and we will take note of those in the current Cuban regime who obstruct your desire for a free Cuba."

To the politically naive, that would seem a fairly innocuous statement of reassurance to a nation of people that has suffered under a Communist dictator for more 40 years. W was simply reminding Cubans that America stands ready to help when Castro finally takes the hint and gets the hell out of office, right?

However, to those of us who know better, W was really firing a warning shot at Fidel's radical brother, Raul Castro. In my view, W was speaking in code about Cuba's future and his own political aspirations--inextricably linked, if my political analysis is accurate.

In effect, W was saying: "Fidel Castro is an old commie fart who has made life miserable for Cubans for far too long. His brother Raul is even worse!

"But fret not, Cuba, because as luck would have it, yours truly will soon be looking for an executive position. I can bring you freedom, democratic rule and trade with the United States."

In other words, W was announcing his intention to run for president again--but next time, he will be seeking the top job in Cuba.

And why shouldn't he?

As indicated, in 2009, W will be just 62 years old--a veritable lad. He takes no prescription medications and appears in excellent physical health. A perfect candidate to lead Cuba out of the dark days of communist despair and into the bright future of Compassionate Conservatism.

Besides, running for president of Cuba certainly beats the hell out of alternatives recently offered by Karl Rove from the set of FOX News. Rove suggested that Bush do one of the following:

* Declare himself eligible for another term based on the perverted liberal argument that Al Gore actually won the 2000 election, or

* Append the 2008 Defense Appropriations bill with a Signing Statement declaring that the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is null and void.

Both ideas lack political pizzazz and are unlikely to connect with voters, even with all those bombs, tanks, fighter jets, guns, and Marines at Bush's disposal.

Fact is, W has many strengths that might benefit Cuba. A resume of qualifications for G.W. Bush might read as follows:

G.W. Bush
The Oval Office
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Career Objective:
Executive position with government-backed pension and retirement benefits, plus two months annual vacation.

Related Experience:
Worked for eight years to bring peace, prosperity, and harmony to America. Would have succeeded were it not for partisan, leftist thugs known in the United States as Democrats.

Language Skills:
Texan--Pidgin English with a drawl

Greatest Achievement As President:
Breaking Barney from peeing on the Oval Office carpet.

Greatest Obstacle As President:
Learning the correct pronunciation of ''nuclear,''this is still what they call a work in progress.

Favorite Song: Oh, Lord, It's Hard to be Humble!

Currently Reading: March Reader's Digest

Just Finished Reading: December Reader's Digest*

* In Washington most of January--unable to get to Crawford library to check out January and February issues.

Fondest Memory As President:
Telling John Kerry he had the wrong number when he called to concede the election in 2004.

Foreign Leader Most Admired:
Yo! Blair

Foreign Leader Least Admired:
Flat-footed tie between Osama bin Laden and Ted Kennedy

Autographing my demolished cycling helmets and selling them to pay for heavily padded knee-and-elbow shock absorbers.

Role Model:
Cross between Yogi Berra and Ken Lay.

Advise for Next U.S. President:
Hispanically speaking, never misunderestimate your opponent's strategery.

See results from 2004 U.S. presidential election.

January 2009 at the latest. Depending on the impeachment mood in Congress, it could be much sooner.

And finally, the ''G.W. Bush Vision Statement for All Cubans'':

''Good eyesight is vital to seeing a bright future. I encourage all Cubans to take good care of the eyes God gave you, even if you do not always see eyeball-to-eyeball with him.''

Run, George, run!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Bushwacked on President's Day

By John W. Lillpop

President's Day is supposed to be a day to celebrate and honor all 43 white male Christians who have served the United States in the capacity of president.

In practice, however, President's Day has devolved into just another excuse for giving federal workers, bank and postal employees, and other never-do-well scalawags another bite at the apple of sloth and merriment, all of which is funded by American taxpayers.

Most private commercial enterprises ignore the holiday, except when bombarding the consuming public with misleading and downright false advertising in the name of patriotism and love of country.

You know, a couch normally costing $8,500 is offered at a "blow out" sales price of $999.99, in honor of George Washington and Abe Lincoln.

Just why couch prices should go up or down because of George Washington and or Abe Lincoln is a great unknown.

Moreover, why are economists not researching this phenomenon and working, for example, to exploit presidents past and present to drive the price of oil down to around $3.34 a barrel, instead of the god-awful and ghastly $100 per?

Even more puzzling: How does buying a damn couch or a $200 pair of sneakers on or about President's Day make one more patriotic or American, or anything except more indebted or less cash-flush?

From a contemporary perspective, does it really make sense to celebrate a dyslexic cowboy who invaded a foreign nation 8,000 miles from our shores based on faulty intelligence, but who has refused to secure our own borders, who has spent money with the reckless abandon one would expect from a liberal Democrat, and who is singularly responsible for the end of the Reagan revolution and conservatism as we know it?

Still there are some things to celebrate about George W. Bush this President's Day. Namely, his term in office will expire in eleven months, and he is spending this holiday in Africa!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Jane Fonda, the "C***" Word, and Hillary Clinton

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Jane Fonda's reputation as a reprehensible traitor and left wing thug has been well chronicled for nearly 40 years. The behavior of this wretched vermin during the Vietnam War should have lead to her arrest and deportation to North Vietnam for permanent enslavement by the communist murderers with whom she conspired against brave American men and women in harm's way.

Unfortunately, Hanoi Jane survived her war on America and is still a poster child for the communist party in America. Albeit, she now comes with multiple lays of wrinkles and sans the beauty marks of 40 years ago, but to Hollywood and Democrats she is still a heroine.

At least that was the case until February 14, when Fonda knocked out the power at NBC News with a violation of FCC rules that should be treated as an actionable felony, punishable by arrest and consignment to Guantanamo Bay for the rest of her miserable liberal life.

During a live production of the "Today Show," beamed to scores of millions of Americans and God himself, Fonda dropped a "C" bomb while attempting to be witty about "V-Day," the feminist denigration of Victory Day celebrated in 1945 to commemorate the end of World War 11.


Fonda and trash-mouthed feminists of her ilk have remade V-Day into "Vagina Monologues," to celebrate left wing pornography, which is peddled as comprehensible only to elitists sophisticated enough to look beyond the vulgarity and anti-Americanism in order to see sexual freedom and spirituality.

Reports indicate that millions of American viewers misinterpreted Fonda's "C***" bomb as an endorsement of the Hillary Clinton campaign, although the veracity of those reports cannot be confirmed.

About the only positive things coming from Fonda's faux pau is the fact that with one idiotic misspeak, Fonda set back the feminist movement 30 years, and reminded everyone why Hillary Clinton would be an awful choice for president.

And that's a good thing!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Speaking of Fairy Tales, Have You Heard the Latest About Hillary?

Satire by John Lillpop

Former President Bill Clinton recently kicked his spouse and presidential wanna be off the front pages with a few indelicate remarks about Barack Obama's presidential campaign being a "fairy tale."

Although the former president denied it, the remark suggested that any African-American foolish enough to aspire to the presidency was, in fact, living a fairy tale.

A delusion of grandeur, as it were.

Naturally, Barack Obama and his followers were outraged and hurt by Bill Clinton's insensitive jab at the Black Camelot.

Since then, of course, Obama has expanded his fairy tale by performing very well on Super Tuesday, followed by wins in Nebraska, Washington, Louisiana, and Maine.

Most significantly, Obama now leads Hillary in the all-important delegate count. Now that is some fairy tale!

Meanwhile, with Bill Clinton front and center, Hillary's campaign has all but collapsed, spiritually and financially.

Without Norman Hsu around to commit fraud on her behalf, Hillary has been forced to finance her folly with a personal check for $5 million dollars.

As it turns out, chasing fairy tales is quite expensive, especially if you happen to be an over 60 woman with disapproval ratings near 50 percent!

Obama, on the other hand, is on pace to raise $30 million in February alone.

More bad news: From the foxholes of the campaign war comes word that Hillary's campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, has been abruptly replaced.

Obviously, a sign of desperation for a campaign that may very well be on it's last legs.

Thus, what was once the "inevitability" of a Hillary Clinton presidency is quickly turning into a--well, a bit of a fairy tale, to borrow a phrase!

Although I am loathe to do anything that might help Hillary become Queen, I do have a suggestion that might just do that:

You need to get Bill out of the way, Hillary. Find him a toy to play with, a distraction that will keep his attention focused anywhere but on your campaign.

Why not hire a 30s something former intern with Oval Office experience, and the initials ML, to entertain Bill whilst you concentrate 24/7 on ruining America?

Monday, February 04, 2008

Clinton Versus Obama: Old Versus New?

By John W. Lillpop

A truly startling photograph emerged from the campaign trail in California over the weekend. It pictured Oprah Winfrey, Maria Shriver, and Caroline Kennedy bonding in support of Barack Obama for president.

Three famous ultra-liberal women, in effect, snubbing one of their own, Hillary Rodham Clinton, in order to embrace the emergence of a black Camelot!

With his youthful charisma, warmth, and likable demeanor, Barack Obama seems to be the perfect antidote to the shrill woman whose disapproval numbers are near 50 percent. Winfrey, Kennedy, and Shriver reflect the fact that some Democrats really understand that Clinton may in fact be unelectable.

Obama is a young, trustworthy, and likable chap whom one would feel very comfortable with in one's own home, sitting around the dinner table discussing politics, the cost of gasoline, the Super Bowl, or whatever. He seems to put people at ease and is a good listener.

On the other hand, Hillary seems to be an old, cold and calculating opportunist who is more interested in making history as the first female president than she is in changing and saving America. Not the kind of person one would like to chit-chat with over a cup of coffee and a dinner roll.

Rather than listening to the people, Hillary seems obsessed with what her daily tracking polls are saying. She seems better suited for delivering hysterical rhetoric about a "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy" than connecting with people.

Hillary is an "Old School" politician who is part of the problem, rather than part of the solution. Obama is definitely a "New School" politico, one who brings fresh ideas and hope to the problems facing America in 2008.

Mind you, Clinton and Obama are both withering socialist fascists; either one in the White House would likely spell the end of the American Dream.

Still, Oprah Winfrey, Maria Shriver, and Caroline Kennedy are among the millions of liberals who understand that Hillary cannot win the general election.

Obama Versus Hillary: Old versus New?