satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Should Catholics Who Voted for Obama Go to Confession?

By John W. Lillpop

Finally, some common sense from the Catholic Church!

From Modesto, California via the McClatchy Tribune this report:

"The Rev. Joseph Illo, pastor of St. Joseph Catholic Church in Modesto, Calif., has told parishioners in a homily and in a follow-up letter that if they voted for Barack Obama, they should consider going to confession because of the president-elect's position on abortion.

"If you are one of the 54 percent of Catholics who voted for a pro-abortion candidate, you were clear on his position and you knew the gravity of the question, I urge you to go to confession before receiving communion. Don't risk losing your state of grace by receiving sacrilegiously," Illo wrote in a letter dated Nov. 21."

Bloody brilliant, Reverend Illo!

By the way, did you send a copy of that letter to Speaker Nancy Pelosi? Although she sacrilegiously takes communion in San Francisco, Pelosi could end up in Modesto some day in one of her never-ending recruiting drives to find illegal aliens to become voters in The City!

Of course, from the larger perspective, all that voted for Obama, not just Catholics, should confess and do penance.

Friday, November 28, 2008

George Bush as "Liberator" of Millions? Or Trillions?

By John W. Lillpop

During a recent interview with an objective third-party, President Bush revealed that his heart yearns to be remembered as "...somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace."***

However, given the grave economic meltdown that occurred on his watch, Bush is far more likely to remembered as the president who liberated American citizens from trillions-- in 401(k), savings and other wealth which was unceremoniously transferred from working stiffs to the president's cohorts on Wall Street.

By the way, the "objective" interviewer was Dorothy Bush Koch, the president's sister.


Free Michael Vick!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

President Bush has recently spread holiday cheer among scalawags convicted of illegal gun sales, embezzlement, mortgage fraud, mail fraud, illegal drugs, income tax evasion, moon shining, food stamp fraud, and other heinous crimes.

He did so by granting commutations and pardons ***, as is his presidential prerogative in the U.S. Constitution.

The president even took time from his busy schedule as Barack Obama's temporary aide-de-camp to pardon a turkey, a Thanksgiving tradition that Obama will surely CHANGE.

Next November, look for Obama to issue a blanket pardon to all Guantanamo Bay detainees,past and present, as a "progressive" way to kick off the holy season of Ramadan.

Back to the turkey still in the White House.

While wasting his powers on hard-core felons, President Bush has overlooked a young American hero who sits in federal prison for minor infractions involving the rights of mutts.

That would be Michael Vick, one time beloved quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons and role model for youngsters all across America.

This young black man--REPEAT! Young Black Man! --has been victimized in one of the most egregious instances of injustice in the history of American jurisprudence.

Michael Vick, football star and Young Black Man, was unfairly singled out for enjoying a Southern tradition that dates back several generations: Dog fighting!

Next to the Confederate flag, there is nothing more symbolic of Southern culture than a bloody dog fight staged for a gaggle of bible-thumping, intoxicated good old boys unable or unwilling to secure female companionship on Saturday night.

That is the culture in which Michael Vick was born and raised. His only crime was honoring his culture to the fullness, while turning a pretty penny in the process.

Regrettably, Vick fell prey to bleeding heart PETA types who staged hand wringing and crying jags over a few wasted mutts. Given their way, PETA would resolve the Vick matter by hanging the American hero from a goal post during half time of an Atlanta Falcons' game at the Georgia Dome.

Notice to President Bush: With your legacy in tatters anyhow, why not rescue this young black man from the shackles of injustice by granting him an immediate and full pardon?

If you act now, you will not only upstage President-elect Obama, but you will give Vick a great shot at making the playoffs and Super Bowl!

Free Michael Vick, an abused young black man!


Thursday, November 27, 2008

Governor Sarah Palin, Superstar!

By John W. Lillpop

According to the referenced story***, Governor Sarah Palin's star has not lost any of its twinkle. In fact, she is being inundated with offers for books, movie cameos, and talk show appearances.

Palin's spokesman, Bill McAllister, is quoted a saying the following about the growing media frenzy surrounding his famous client:

"Tomorrow, Governor Palin could do an interview with any news media on the planet," McAllister says, "Tomorrow, she could probably sign any one of a dozen book deals. She could start talking to people about a documentary or a movie on her life. That's the level we are at here."

That was written before the governor lifted Saxby Chambliss up by the seat of his pants and delivered another crucial seat to the Republicans, a victory that will keep Democrats from acheiving their super-majority status in the U.S. Senate!

A tip for Governor Palin: When Oprah calls, just scream "Go to bloody hell!" into the phone and hang up!

You go, Governor!


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Sex in Handicapped Bathroom Trumps College Football Game

By John W. Lillpop

Lois Feldman, a married mother of three, is unlikely to be in much of a festive spirit this Thanksgiving, given her experiences over the past week.***

It all started when Mrs. Feldman left her seat during a college football game in Minneapolis last Saturday evening in order to "answer the call of nature."

Put succinctly, she had to tinkle.

However, Mother Nature summoned Feldman to a much higher calling: The 38-year old ended up in a sexual skidoo with another football fan, a chap named Ross Walsh, 26.

In order to accommodate that urgent calling, Feldman and Walsh converted a handicapped toilet stall in the men's restroom of the football stadium into an impromptu love nest.

The couple's amorous activities soon drew an excited and intoxicated crowd of observers and cheerleaders, fans bored by the lopsided score of the game which Iowa eventually won 55-0.

Soon police were called to the scene and Feldman and Walsh were interrupted "in the act" and ticketed for indecent conduct, a misdemeanor.

Later in the week, Feldman was fired from an assisted living center, where she had been an administrator, because of the bad press.

In her defense, Feldman pointed out that she had so much wine that she doesn’t remember anything about the incident.

“I don’t know who this man is,” she said about Walsh, her lover. “I just found out his name in the paper last night.”

“It’s ruined my life,” she said through tears today. “Not just the incident but the press.”

Especially the press, right Lois?

Only irresponsible journalists bent on destroying two young lives would even bother to file a story about two complete strangers having intercourse in a handicapped toilet stall during a football game and being ticketed for same.

What is journalism coming to?

*** Source:

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sign of the Times: 12-Year Old Arrested for Breaking Wind

By John W. Lillpop

Before the November 4 elections, conservatives like yours truly repeatedly warned the American people that electing liberals would lead to massive waves of decadence and loss of morality, especially among the young and impressionable.

That prudent warning, scoffed at by left wing zealots, is coming to pass. Take for example the story of twelve-year old brat who was arrested for deliberately breaking wind to disrupt classmates.***

The young bounder was arrested, mind you. Not just warned or given detention, or paddled on the behind, but actually arrested and charged with "disruption of a school function."

Officials stress that it could have been much worse. The lad could have been charged with releasing toxic substances that lead to global warming, a felony offense in very liberal states.

Breaking wind is a serious crime against humanity that should not be taken lightly. Children who break wind and are not immediately punished for doing so are at risk of growing up to be Democrat politicians and other anti-social characters.

Help stop the pandemic of wind breaking that is threatening our covilization!

*** Source

Holiday Greetings to Citigroup and General Motors

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Greetings and best wishes for a joyful and bountiful holiday season, my Fellow Americans!

To those at Citigroup, to whom I am obligated to pay $300 a month for the rest of my life, congratulations on that $20 billion bail out from you pals at the U.S. Treasury.

Please pay no pay attention to the naysayers who oppose your good fortune. After all, this is the season of miracles and whom is more deserving of a virgin birth sort of blessing than the good folks at Citigroup?

In keeping with the spirit of the season, my purpose in writing is to advise you that I will no longer be able to make my monthly payment on Citigroup account 2008SCREWUSAxxxx, effective immediately.

As you are obviously aware, times are tough and I have not been as prudent with my finances as I should have been. I am sure that you understand where that can lead.

Under normal circumstances, I would feel embarrassed and even humiliated at defaulting on my obligations. I might even apologize.

However, since that $20 billion bailout you co-opted from Henry Paulson includes my hard earned tax dollars, to my way of thinking Citigroup can take that $30,000 I owe out of the check that Hank is sending!

As far as I am concerned, we will then be "even."

By the way, I understand that the $20 billion is really a "loan" that will have to be re-paid. I trust that your pal Henry is charging you 25 percent annual interest, just like Citigroup charges hard-working Americans?

On to my friends at General Motors and the dudes that sold me that "loaded" 2009 SUV Acadia that you let me steal for $55,000.

Great vehicle that, and now that the oil market has collapsed, three miles per gallon is not all that bad.

In fact, with gasoline now available for around $2.82 a gallon, I could almost afford the monthly payments, the first of which is due next week, were it for the $65 per hour labor charge that my GM dealer charges me to change the oil.

In addition, Governor Schwarzenegger and the other vipers in the California assembly are going to triple the annual registration fee for SUVs like my precious Acadia!

It's all too much, GM buddies!

After due deliberation, including consideration of bankruptcy, I have decided to default on my payments, beginning with # 1.

I have decided on this course because GM is not going to be bailed out by the government and is sure to fail.

Under the circumstances, sending GM even the first payment would be a classic example of "good money chasing bad," so I won't!

By the way, I decided against filing for bankruptcy after hearing GM executives argue against that option for GM itself. Thank you for the great advise.

As they say, "What's good for GM, Is Good for America," so I have decided to simply follow your lead!

To Citigroup and GM, Happy Holidays and may prosperity find your sorry butts in 2009!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Let the Big Three AND The UAW Die!

By John W. Lillpop

Congressional Democrats like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid would love to send the crippled automobile industry $25 billion in loans, not to help America but to run interference for one of their major special interest groups: Labor unions.

Particularly, the United Auto Worker's Union, which has negotiated unemployment for 250,000 workers and perhaps millions more in ancillary businesses.

Sending even a single penny of taxpayer money to Detroit would be an act of utter foolishness because the Big Three pay some workers $75 an hour when competitors pay $40 per hour; pay upper management mega millions in annual salary and perks when competitors pay their best and brightest hundreds of thousands; and because Detroit produces a non-competitive, inferior product.

What possible justification can there be for bailing out an industry that, because of its own policies and practices, cannot succeed?

The only possible way for Detroit to survive is by de-unionization of the labor force and immediate firing of all top management.

Those acts do not require any money from the U.S. Treasury!

Vatican "Forgives" John Lennon-- So?

Religiosity By John W. Lillpop

What up with the Catholic Church? Have church leaders sold out to the anti-Christ, en masse?

Why else would the Vatican waste time and money to "forgive" John Lennon for his "Jesus" comment from 40 years ago?

Who in the heck cares about a crazy comment from a drugged renegade, and marginal musician, dating back more than four decades?

Even more ludicrous, who gives a tinker's damn about an insufferable act of arrogance masked as forgiveness by an irrelevant institution grasping at straws for credibility?

Yet that is exactly what is being reported at, in part:**

"The Vatican's newspaper has finally forgiven John Lennon for declaring that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, calling the remark a "boast" by a young man grappling with sudden fame. "

"The remark by John Lennon, which triggered deep indignation mainly in the United States, after many years sounds only like a 'boast' by a young working-class Englishman faced with unexpected success, after growing up in the legend of Elvis and rock and roll," Vatican daily Osservatore Romano said."

With all due respect to the pontiff and all his pontificators, the world is looking for answers to contemporary issues.

Like the global economic meltdown, wars and rumor of wars, global warming, the election of Barack Obama and other disasters.

Besides, when is the Catholic Church going to enforce the holy requirements for communion by denying said sacrament to abortion advocates like Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, John Kerry, and other so-call "faithful" in the Democrat party?

Forget forgiveness of sins from long ago, Fathers. Weed out the unholy in the here and now!


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Can Cloning Save the GOP?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Although mainstream media types are celebrating the "landslide" victory of Barack Obama, the truth of the matter is that the final election results were remarkably close.

So close, in fact, that a campaign of "strategic cloning" by the Republicans could have installed the McCain-Palin ticket in the White House and kept Democrats from gaining more than two seats in the Senate.

Here is how it would work:

By simply cloning the mind of President George W. Bush ~5.9 million times, and allocating those minds appropriately in five key states, the world would be a safer place today.

The details:


3,200,000 W. Clones would have given 55 electoral votes to McCain-Palin

New York:

1,700,00 W. Clones would put 31 electoral votes in McCain's column


A mere 601,000 little Dubyas would have made this state a GOP winner!


202,000 Ohioans with better sense would have delivered this one for the good guy.


200,000 W.Clones would have sent 15 electoral votes to McCain.

North Carolina:

With a mere pittance of 15,000 George W. Bushes, the Tar Heel state could have done the right thing!


With this redistribution of the electoral wealth, McCain would be president with a grand total of 330 electoral votes, Obama would have 208, and your children and grandchildren would have a decent future to look forward to.

In addition, under this scheme, Elizabeth Dole would have retained her Senate seat in North Carolina, and Saxby Chambliss would have won outright in Georgia without the need for a runoff.

In Minnesota, there is no need for cloned voters, but cloning an honest election board to oversee the recount would help give the nod to Republican Norm Coleman over failed comic and Air America host Al Franken.

In Pennsylvania, John Murtha would have been retired at the tender age of 73.

There would be other residual benefits with an additional 5.9 George W. Bushes running loose: Instructors specializing in English as a Second Language (ESL) schools and purveyors of alcohol rehabilitation centers would enjoy unprecedented growth and prosperity.

Cloning: Can it save the GOP?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Obama's Intrusive Vetting Questionnaire

Satire By John W. Lillpop

President-elect Obama has spent the two weeks since the election pulling together the key players for his new administration. Several reports indicate that the vetting process for job applicants is very intrusive, bordering on criminal.

This reporter was invited to interview for an Assistant Satirist position reporting to the lead speech writer for the president himself. Herewith a sampling of the questions on the vetting form:

1. Have you ever used the "N" word, publicly or in private? Can you prove that?

2. Are you now, or have you ever been, affiliated in any capacity with any of the following terrorist groups:

( )Republican Party
( )KKK
( )Pat Robertson's 700 Club
( )U.S. Supreme Court (as currently comprised)
( )Pentagon

3. If selected, do you agree to work diligently for the repeal of Amendment 2 to the Constitution? Do you further agree to turn in any and all weapons in your possession, or in the possession of family, friends, and casual acquaintances, to the ACLU before assuming your new position?

4. Do you really believe that a baby Jew, conceived by a virgin in small town in Israel 2008 years ago, was the Messiah who saved all of mankind from sin while bleeding to death on a cross? Is that belief negotiable?

5. How much time and money are you prepared to contribute to the re-election campaign of 2012? (Payroll deduction service is available for a nominal-processing fee.)

6. Do dislike Hillary Rodham Clinton? How intently? Why? Do you have pictures, videos, taped conversations, or collaborating witnesses willing to execute sworn affidavits, to substantiate your understandable loathing of HRC?

7. If hired, will you abandon Christmas in exchange for a month of paid holiday in November of each year for Ramadan, AND a week off in December to celebrate Kwanzaa?

8. You are fluent in which of the following languages. Check all that apply:

( )Ebonics
( )Spanish
( )Arabic

Note: Lack of fluency in all of the languages listed is NOT an automatic disqualification for the position: But it's darn close, bro!

9. If asked, would you be willing to donate urgently needed body organs, before your death, to needy folks in poverty stricken areas of India, Haiti, Africa, South Chicago, Detroit, and Harlem, New York?

10. Do you agree that native Americans and African-Americans deserve reparations because of the suffering and discrimination they have endured? How much of your personal wealth are you willing to redistribute to the Reparations Redemption Fund?

After completing the Vetting Questionnaire in accordance with my true beliefs, I turned in the form and am still waiting for a call to go in for a follow-up interview.

I wonder if Team Obama has misplaced me contact information?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What If Electoral College Elects Palin President & Biden VP?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

What if Barack Obama is declared a non-citizen and ineligible to serve as U.S. President?

That is most improbable, right? Perhaps, but not impossible.

In fact, a challenge to Obama's citizenship is scheduled to be the subject of a "conference" at the U.S. Supreme Court on December 5, 2008. A conference is a meeting of the Supreme Court Justices where cases are reviewed and the court decides which ones to accept for formal review. *

The formal election of Barack Obama by the Electoral College is scheduled for December 15, just ten days following the Supreme Court conference.

What if the U.S. Supreme Court accepts the case of Leo C. Donofrio against Nina Wells, the secretary of state in New Jersey, and rules that Barack Obama is not a natural-born citizen as he must be according to the U.S. Constitution in order to qualify for the presidency?

Would electors at the meeting of the Electoral College simply ignore Barack Obama and choose a president and vice president from among Joe Biden, John McCain, and Sarah Palin on December 15?

A majority of 270 votes would be required for each position.

In the interest of constitutional continuity, perhaps President Bush and Dick Cheney would agree to step aside early to allow Speaker Nancy Pelosi to take over the Oval Office.

Senator Robert Byrd would, by law, become Vice President, until the swearing in of the 111th Congress, when the 90-year old Byrd would yield to youth in the person of Senator Inouye, the 84 year old from Hawaii.

A most delicious irony would occur if the electors installed Governor Palin as President and Joe Biden as her VP, leaving John McCain out in the cold where he belongs!

A Palin administration so conceived would cause moon bats at Daily Kos and elsewhere to go ballistic, providing laughs and hilarity for months, if not years.

Palin-Biden? Has a nice ring to it,right?


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Female Astronaut Proves Woman's Place In Home, Not Outer Space

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Just as Nancy Pelosi proved beyond any doubt that a woman's rightful place is in the home, but definitely not the U.S. House, so it is that Astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper has confirmed that women are more suitable for mundane household chores than the intricate, highly technical work required of an astronaut.

Because of Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper, a crucial tool bag floated out to space during a repair trip, sending flight controllers into a mad scramble to revamp plans for space walks during space shuttle Endeavour's visit to the international space station.

"What it boils down to is all it takes is one small mistake for a tether not to be hooked up quite correctly or to slip off, and that's what happened here," said lead space walk officer John Ray. *

Ray's statement sidestepped the central truth is this misadventure:

Women astronauts are too obsessed with making sure that their lipstick and mascara are just right, in case their images are beamed back to Earth, to concentrate fully on the delicate maneuvers required on a space mission.

For example, Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper's inability to hang on to a crucial tool bag was probably due to her concern about protecting her fingernails from breaking or some other nonsense, rather than dedication to the task at hand.

Still, the astronaut lady is probably one hell of a lot smarter and more qualified that Nancy Pelosi.

Why not install Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper as Speaker of the U.S. House, and shoot Pelosi into outer space in the direction of Mars?


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Gitmo CHANGES Revealed!

Terrorists to be replaced by Bushies?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

(Washington, D.C., LILLPILL)

During the 2008 campaign, President-elect Obama promised to bring CHANGE to Guantanamo Bay; he has since reiterated that commitment during a recent stint on 60 Minutes.

Until now, the exact details of the Obama Gitmo CHANGE have been highly classified, top secret military information withheld from public purview in the interest of national security.

However, by committing a number of complex felonies, all which are considered capital crimes and punishable by death, this reporter has hacked into the Obama lap top and successfully pinched a file cleverly titled, "Operation Gut Guantanamo."

Although the file was prominently labeled "TOP SECRET CONFIDENTIAL" and was password protected, we gained access by entering CHANGE as the password.

As it turns out, deductive logic is a highly valuable skill set in unlocking the nuances of the liberal mind.

Back to the facts, man.

All of the grotesque details from "Operation Gut Guantanamo" are reported herewith, "exclusive" to whatever rag one happens to be reading.

Contrary to earlier statements, the incoming administration will NOT close Guantanamo Bay.

Rather, the Obama regime will CHANGE residency requirements, which will result in the immediate release of all terrorists and suspected terrorists.

Once all innocent detainees, and those suspected of being innocent, have been flown back to the Middle East and released to Al-Quaeda, their cages, prayer blankets, and sleeping bags will be reassigned to ruthless American war criminals, and suspected war criminals.

Because of the devastating economic mess left by George W. Bush and the GOP, the incoming president has decided not to waste taxpayer money on trials for American officials suspected of war crimes against Islam.

Instead, that money will be used to fly detainees home, first-class, where movies showing American soldiers being decapitated in the name of Allah will be featured.

Surround sound headsets will be sold, but dollars will not be accepted.

Other details emerging about Operation Gut Guantanamo include these dillies:

Once the new president has been sworn in on January 20, the U.S. Marines will immediately handcuff and arrest President George Bush, VP Dick Cheney, and all other Bush administration officials in attendance at the Inauguration, excepting only Dr. Condoleezza Rice who will baby-sit the Obama daughters while Barack and Michelle flaunt their new power and prestige at innumerable Inaugural Balls in Washington.

Bush and Cheney will be carted off to Andrews Air Force base where they will be stuffed into discounted fare seats on a military helicopter and flown off to Guantanamo Bay for the rest of their lives.

While Barack and Michelle are dancing away the hours to celebrate Barack's Balls, the U.S. Marines will round up other war criminals from the vanquished Bush administration.

Perk walks will be administered to a variety of savage criminals, including Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, General David Petreaus, Rush Limbaugh, George Tenet, Tommy Frank, Paul Wolofitz, Scooter Libby, and all other individuals serving in either of the Bush terms, excepting only Colin Powell who will assist Dr. Rice in caring for the Obama brats.

All of the W. war criminals will be transported en masse to Guantanamo Bay after consulting with liberal attorney Ramsey Clark who represented Saddam Hussein and who is credited with taking that classic cell phone photograph of Hussein's public hanging.

Clark, it will be recalled, sued the estate of Saddam Hussein for outstanding legal fees, including reimbursement for replacing the batteries in his cell phone, exhausted by taking all of those hanging photographs.

Once the new Gitmo residents have unpacked and settled in, the Water Boarding Commission will be assembled. Donald Rumsfeld and Karl Rove will be "volunteered" as the first water boarding recipients under the kinder, gentler Obama administration.

This is where George W. Bush actually catches a break: Water boarding will be used by Team Obama only to glean vital intelligence. But since W. has none, he will be exempt!

Now that is CHANGE bruther!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Government's Solution to High Mortgage Payments

By John W. Lillpop

You say your mortgage payments have risen to the point where you and your family have been forced to cut back on "necessities" like dining in upscale restaurants seven nights a week, motoring about in luxury SUVs, and vacations in Hawaii every six months, just to pay the mortgage holder every month?

You also say that you were "tricked" into buying that million dollar home, which is now worth about $300,000, by an unscrupulous loan officer who got you the loan with no money down, based on your "stated income" of $15,000 a month from your position as an apprentice for plumber's assistant, a job you have held for three months?

You say that the loan officer explained that your initial monthly payments are a tad high because your credit has a few "dings" in the past two years and because your twelve credit cards are "maxed out" with $150,000 in unsecured debt?

You say that the lender has actually kept your payments from being far higher by getting you an "Option Arm" plan that starts at a teaser interest rate of 1 percent and which allows YOU to decide what your payment will be each month?

You say that your loan officer got you into a forty year term, an additional step to keep your payments as low as possible?

You say that no one really explained the terms "ARM" and "negative amortization" before you signed the loan documents?

Are those the things that are bugging you, bunky?

Fret no longer: Good news is on the way!

The "Bail out Express," driven by President-elect Barack Obama and co-drivers Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid will start its maiden journey of loan redemption throughout the land at noon on January 20, 2009.

Qualifying for help is amazingly simple: The only requirement is that you be in default on your mortgage!

Upon confirmation of that vital fact, the Obama-Pelosi-Reid Bailout Team will immediately go to work on your behalf to get those payments cut by 50% or more!

How does a 30-year, fixed rate loan bearing an interest rate of five percent sound, bunky?

Remember, too, that with the savings that Obama-Pelosi-Reid will deliver, you will most likely have enough cash left over each month to buy another expensive home for speculation!

There is just one hitch--you must be in default.

Thus, the best advice one can give to any struggling homeowner is as follows:

Stop Making Your Mortgage Payments Immediately!

Remember: Government run by Democrats ALWAYS comes through for the little guy!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pandemic of "Bail Out" Fever Consumes Washington D.C.

By John W. Lillpop

Not content with merely wreaking further havoc on America's fragile economy during scheduled sessions of Congress, Speaker Nancy Pelosi has decided to call for a "special session" of Congress to give away additional hundreds of billions of taxpayer money.

Pelosi wants the U.S. House to bail out auto giants General Motors and Ford, the latest whore mongers seeking to feast at the public teats of welfare and socialism.

In exchange for $50 billion or so, Pelosi wants a written guarantee that upper-level auto executives will work for minimum wage, join the United Auto Workers (UAW), and vote Democrat for the rest of the 21st century.

Of course, the corrupt thugs in Detroit immediately agreed to all of Pelosi's terms and even offered to build low-emission charity vans to transport ACORN workers from house to house, in an early start to the registration drive for the 2010 elections.

Pelosi's words and those of President-elect Obama have, in effect, created a pandemic of bail out fever as tarts everywhere seek to dump their financial mistakes and excesses on the back of Uncle Sam.

Indeed, a partial list of organizations and individuals seeking help from Pelosi and Obama includes the following:

The Catholic Church

U.S. Postal Service

Starbucks Coffee


Hillary Clinton for President 2008 campaign

Commercial airlines

OJ Simpson


Organized labor

Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR)

Siriusxm Radio

Rep. William Jefferson (frozen bills OK)

Medical doctors and hospitals

Charles Rangel


G.W. Bush memorial library fund

"Air America" and Al Franken

Public education systems

38 million illegal aliens

Planned parenthood

"Repeal Prop. 8" alliance in California

Barry Bonds

NAACP and La Raza

The United Nations, and

If Barney Frank gets his way, the US Marines, Army, Air Force, and Navy.

When will this insanity end? Are there no stable and secure entities in the vast sea of capitalism known as the US of A?

As a matter of fact, there are two: The Obama 2008 campaign and the Communist party of the United States are reportedly "flush" with cash, thank you!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Presidential "Wish List" for White House Mutt

Satire By John W. Lillpop

When he was not begging President Bush to mail a $50 billion check to auto moguls in Detroit, or planning to burn all of President Bush's Executive Orders on the White House lawn, President-elect Obama was in secret meetings to discuss a major issue that has the potential to rip America to shreds.

The issue: Finding a suitable "mutt" to entertain the family and mainstream media for at least four years.

VP Joe Biden was initially considered for the role until his incontinence was disclosed. Finding a house broken mutt is an "absolute, non-negotiable must," top-level officials on the Obama Transition team stressed.

White House criteria for the mutt were "leaked" to the press and include the following:

*Must be an orphan currently residing in an animal shelter, and scheduled to be put down (snuffed) before January 20.

*Undocumented (no papers) a huge plus!

*Must respond to commands in Spanish, Arabic, Russian, and Ebonics.

*Must be bisexual or gay, blind or sight impaired, deaf or hearing impaired, with a certifiable disabling limp in two or more legs, or an acceptable combination thereof.

*Must be able to detect right-wing reporters and Republicans based on smell alone, and be able to bite said interlopers with minimal supervision traceable to the president.

*History of being promiscuous with a diverse breeds of mutts a major plus!

*Must be color blind, and good with children.

Good luck to the Obama family as they work to settle this gripping issue that has all of America's rapt attention!

Monday, November 10, 2008

City of Brotherly Love Welcomes Joe Biden!

By John W. Lillpop

For years, Philadelphia has been known as the "City of Brotherly Love," although no one who has ever attended a sporting event in this town can figure out why.

Philly sports fans are notoriously rude and flaky. They boo during the National Anthem, and hiss while God Bless America is being sung.

Philly boo birds spare no one: They love to take on heroes like Santa Claus and his reindeer, Mother's Day, and the latest poster child from Jerry Lewis' campaign against Muscular Dystrophy.

They booed Governor Palin when she dropped the puck to open a hockey game weeks ago.

However, despite all their wrong minded boos, Philly fans finally got one right Sunday night:

They welcomed VP-elect Joe Biden with a lusty chorus of boos at the Eagles-NY Giants football game!

Way to go, Philly! Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Biden!


President Obama's First Executive Order

Satire by John W. Lillpop

With the American economy in free fall, unemployment soaring, two wars being waged in far distant lands and more in the offing, and the American people anxious for immediate change, President-elect Barack Obama has ordered his staff to prepare the first Executive Order of his presidency.

As this will be the new president's first act of power since being elected, the subject matter is of utmost importance to all Americans and to the entire world.

A copy of said EO, which has been signed and is being held at an undisclosed location under the care of Vice President-elect Joe Biden until January 20, 2009, has been pilfered and is reproduced below:

"Executive Order: BOM-1
Date: January 20, 2009, 3:30 PM, EST
Effective: Immediately
Refer Questions to: Don't Bother

CC: ACORN Community Organizers, DNC

In accordance with the authority vested in me by the United States Constitution, I hereby order that the Washington, D.C., structure previously identified as the "White House" shall be renamed the Diversity Palace henceforth, effective immediately.

This vital administrative action is taken to assure that that the seat of American government appropriately reflects the growing diversity of the American people and the overwhelming mandate for CHANGE demanded as a result of the 2008 election.

This EO is irreversible and supersedes any and all past or future designations in toto.

As ordered, so shall it be!


Local Politician Imitates D.C. Democrats: Pees on Crowd!

Satire by John "Kakistos" Lillpop

New Jersey City councilman Steve Lipski did what Democrats in Washington, D.C. have been doing to the unwashed masses for decades: He urinated on them!

As reported by Fox5 News, "Lipski was in Washington, D.C. to see a Grateful Dead tribute band and was spotted relieving himself by one of the club's staffers around 9:50 p.m., club sources told the Daily News. He was charged with simple assault."

However, unlike most Democrats in this town, Lipski has taken personal responsibility for his behavior, and is striving to prove himself better than the likes of William Jefferson, Charles Rangel, and others who wallow in the muck of Nancy Pelosi's "Culture of Corruption."

The FOX5 News report continues, "I've resolved not to touch alcohol again," two-term Jersey City councilman Steve Lipski told the Fox 5 New York.

"He went on to say that the incident was "deeply humiliating, very embarrassing" and troubling," the Daily News reported."

Deeply humiliating, very embarrassing and troubling: That pretty much says it all about the Democrat party, councilman!

Friday, November 07, 2008

Smitten With Change, Senate Democrats Turn to Youth!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

In keeping with the spirit of change that has overwhelmed Washington, D.C. since Tuesday last, Democrats in the U.S. Senate have started the process of pruning out old prunes to make room for fresh blood and new ideas.

Majority Leader Harry Reid launched the first wave of "Youthenaza" by announcing that 91-year old Robert C. Byrd (D-West Virginia) has resigned his chairmanship of the Senate Appropriations Committee, effective with the swearing in of the 111th Congress in January.

In a daring move to empower youth irrespective of the inherent risks, Reid also announced that Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii) would replace Byrd as Chair of Appropriations.

At 84, Inouye can expected to advocate with ferocity on issues that matter most to America's youth, such as Social Security, Medicare, expanded prescription drug coverage, and government paid day care for grandparents.

The move has other advantages: Senator Byrd has been in Congress for 56 years, whereas newcomer Senator Inouye has barely had enough time to learn the whereabouts of the Senate bathroom during his 45 years in town.

Now that is change with a capital C!

In resigning his post, Senator Byrd waxed religious by saying, "To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.”

“Those Biblical words from Ecclesiastes 3:1 express my feelings about this particular time in my life," Byrd said.

In his younger days, Byrd (KKK) was not quite so temperate.

For instance, when Byrd was 28 years old, he wrote about the 1945 racial integration of the military to segregationist Mississippi Senator Theodore Bilbo:

"I shall never fight in the armed forces with a Negro by my side... Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."

Spoken like a true Democrat, Senator!

By the way, Senator Byrd, the fact that America has just elected a "Negro" to the presidency has nothing whatsoever to do with your resignation, correct?

Thursday, November 06, 2008

The Obama Effect!

Satire By John Kakistos Lillpop

President-elect Obama has not even been sworn in yet, yet already his lack of experience is causing major problems for the United States.

On the domestic front, the stock market continues to nose dive as investors worry about the impact that Obama-nomics will have on free trade, international markets, and the ever-escalating drift toward recession, or worse.

Will Obama cause the nation to go into a depression with his archaic, communist policies?

Meanwhile, while Obama was wreaking havoc with jobs and prosperity here at home, dangers from abroad keep raising their ugly heads.

From the DailyMail** these stories:

"Russian President Dmitry Medvedev was first to lay down a challenge to America's new leader - by increasing tension in a stand off reminiscent of the Cold War.

"In a provocative speech from the Kremlin, he threatened to base warheads along the Polish border if Mr. Obama goes forward with a Bush administration plan to create a missile shield in Eastern Europe."

Next came trouble from Israel, America's most dependable ally in the Middle East. The Israel government is genuinely alarmed at Obama's naive approach to dealing with terrorist sponsoring nations like Iran.

'We live in a neighbourhood in which dialogue - in a situation where you have brought sanctions and you then shift to dialogue - is liable to be interpreted as weakness,' said Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni, making an excellent point about Obama's wrong headed notion of dealing with the enemy."

Tensions between America and Israel were ratcheted even higher when Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent his congratulations to Obama, the first time an Iranian leader has offered such wishes since the 1979 Islamic Revolution.

More from the Dailymail**:

"In Afghanistan, President Hamid Karzai demanded that Mr. Obama 'put an end to civilian casualties' by changing U.S. military tactics to avoid air strikes in the war on the Taliban.

"He (Karzai) spoke out after seven wedding party guests were accidentally killed by an American air strike in the southern Kandahar province. Afghan officials said last night 13 gunmen were killed in the attack.

"Mr. Obama has vowed to switch the U.S. military focus from Iraq to Afghanistan and is reportedly planning to ask Britain to send 3,000 extra troops to bolster extra American forces in the region."

That strategy may bring howls of protest from anti-war liberals in the U.S. and from Britain as well.

All in all, there was no evidence of "high crimes and misdemeanors" or other impeachable offenses from Obama.

But, then again, tomorrow is another day!


Impeach Obama--Save the Children!

Satire By John Kakistos Lillpop

Sensing the inevitable, almost guaranteed failure of the Obama presidential fairy tale, several "Impeach Obama" groups have been initiated on the web, most as FaceBook
accounts. Members total nearly 1,000 of America's best and brightest youth.

An example of the political acumen is found at one site which includes this profound statement, "There are a lot of Americans out there that do not fully understand the concept of Socialism or Communism which is why they've elected Obama as president," it says.

Truer words were never spoken. Go you "Impeach Obama" rug rats!


World Starved for CHANGE, and Obama Leads With Rahm Emanuel?

Satire By John Kakistos Lillpop

With a righteous wind at his back and not-so-righteous ACORN fraud engineers at his side, President-elect Barack Obama graciously accepted the verdict of the American people and set out to deliver on his many campaign promises.

Mindful of the fact that the overarching theme of his entire campaign was CHANGE, Obama began his historic administration by naming Rahm Emanuel Chief of Staff.

Rahm Emanuel?

Is he not the fellow who has been slithering around in the shadows of the Democrat party since 1984, including stints with Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley and in the Clinton White House?

The Emanuel who choreographed the famous 1993 handshake between Israel Prime Minister Rabbi and PLO President Arafat in the Rose Garden, while the president of the United States shared a celebration cigar with intern Monica Lewinsky in that little back room off the Oval Office?

The Emanuel who has been in the U.S. House of Representatives, representing Illinois, since 2003?

THAT Emanuel is supposed to be in charge of Change?

Good heavens, President-elect Obama, we were expecting real change, the kind that America desperately needs!

For example, why not name Eddie Murphy Chief of Staff?

Of course, Murphy has no experience whatsoever; however, that makes him the perfect match for a senior post in the Obama administration!

What better way to bring about change than by bringing in someone who has no idea about the traditional, "old school" ways of Washington?

Or better still, why not leave the future of the civilized world in the capable hands of basketball superstar Allen Iverson, now playing for the Detroit Pistons?

Iverson may not know squat about politics or government, but he could challenge the president to some one-on-one hoops to relieve the stress of dealing with snotty Republicans!

All in all, the selection of Rahm Emanuel is a major disappointment to those of us looking forward to monumental, earth shattering change.

Perhaps the only change that the new president will actually deliver on is abandonment of all those exaggerated campaign promises concerning CHANGE?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Open Letter to President-elect Obama

Satire By John Kakistos Lillpop

November 5, 2008

Dear President-elect Obama:

Congratulations on your victory! President Bush was exactly right when he congratulated you and said that November 4 was an "awesome night."

Of course, to some 9/11 was as well, but let's not dwell needlessly on the past.

Back to your success: Who would have imagined that a person of color with only $750 million to spend, all of the mainstream media acting as your personal PR agency, and ACORN workers registering squirrels on your behalf would be able to accomplish this great deed?

It is truly a miracle that one would expect only from a Messiah or other deity, but we know that you are not so blessed and are in fact mortal, right?

The fact that neither you nor Jesus Christ were ever issued a valid birth certificate is sheer coincidence, right?

Mr. President-elect, is it OK if I call you Hussein?

By the way did you know that 96.9 percent of all people named Hussein are Islamofascists? An interesting tidbit, but probably just another coincidence?

Hussein, I want to let you know that your handling of Aunti, the illegal alien from Kenya was perfect! Your insistence that all laws be properly executed was most admirable.

Is Aunti going to be deported before or after the inaugural?

Given the fact that she has lived in public housing for nearly four years after being ordered by a court to leave the country, it would make sense to deport her as soon as possible.

Kudos also for returning Aunti's donation to your campaign!

Where do you suppose she came up with that $265.00 to send to a beloved nephew who raised $150 million dollars in September alone?

Hussein, I know that one of your campaign "promises" was to enact amnesty for the 38 million illegal aliens here from Mexico and points south. And I know that you hate to break campaign promises, your commitment to public campaign financing comes to mind.

However, in keeping with your insistence that all applicable laws be enforced with respect to Aunti, would it not make better sense to deport, rather than legalize, the illegal aliens from Mexico?

Now that the election is over, they have done their part to get you elected, and should be asked politely, but firmly, to go home.

Adios hombres, is the correct Spanish term, I believe, although my Spanish is not what it should be according to liberals.

Incidentally, what plans do you have to nudge Hispanics toward English? We could save billions of taxpayer dollars by not printing ballots and other documents in Spanish.

Another area in which you showed real leadership is ACORN, the institution of community organizers that registers voters for the Democrat party. As you know, ACORN has been accused of voter fraud; some offices have been raided and shut down.

Knowing your past close affiliation with ACORN, I was delighted to learn that you actually called for a special prosecutor to be appointed to investigate the group.

With any luck, the special prosecutor will have a final report issued near the end of your second term, probably sometime late in 2016.

Again, I assume that your recent $800,000 check to ACORN is yet another pesky coincidence, of no real concern with respect to the November 4 election?

From an administrative point of view it might help if you asked the special prosecutor to investigate the kerfuffel concerning your birth certificate at the same time as the ACORN inquiry, and demand that a final report be issued no later than June, 2010, well in advance of the mid-term elections.

Just a couple of additional items, Hussein: I suppose you heard about the "Black Only" policy that Black Panther members were trying to impose in Philadelphia on election day?

Can we assume that you will address this behavior in an appropriate and timely fashion? Perhaps as part of the State of the Union address?

Finally, I know that the media, both international and domestic, are calling your victory a "landslide" with some even suggesting that conservatism is a dead ideology.

With all due respect, sir, I would point out that John McCain did manage to squeeze out 56,000,000 votes, which is ten million more than President Clinton ever managed.

The point being that, yes, your win was impressive but 55 million people voted for the other guy and gal!

One last item: I have cousins living in rural Pennsylvania who are affectionately known in some circles (read John Murtha) as red necks. All have guns and Bibles and other dangerous objects in their homes.

Anyhow, the cousins sent the attacked picture and would be most grateful for your autograph.

Cousin Willie,in the middle, asked if you would kindly autograph his protruding belly--we told him that you could write your entire inauguration speech on that flab, but we know that you are pressed for time.

Once again, best wishes on your new job and White House in that mostly black neighborhood in D.C.

Depending on the results of that investigation by the Special Prosecutor, I may consider voting for you in 2010.

Until Then,

John Kakistos Lillpop

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Big With Sleeper Cells, Illegal Aliens!

Satire By John Kakistos Lillpop


Exit polls in Detroit, Michigan, and from several "Sanctuary Cities" around the nation show Barack Obama with impressive vote counts among sleeper cells and illegal aliens.

Al-Jazeera, the terror network favored by Islamofascists, is reporting that Obama is getting close to 95 percent of the vote from sleeper cell members who have voted at least three times today.

Obama's strength is even greater among those who believe that America should be forced to adopt Sharia law while abandoning the Constitution, Bill of Rights and other "worthless writings by deranged Christians."

Prominent sleeper cell activists are quoted as saying that "Allah has spoken," with respect to the showing by Barack Obama.

Meanwhile America's Hispanic racist advocacy group, La Raza, is reporting that Obama is carrying the illegal alien vote by nearly 9-1, but officials caution that the numbers could edge much higher when the actual ballots are counted and non-Spanish language votes are thrown away.

All in all, it looks as though America's obsession with diversity is paying handsome dividends--for our enemies, both foreign and domestic!

Obama's First Major Test: Containing Joe Biden!

Satire by John Kakistos Lillpop

Should Barack Obama actually steal the election, as now appears likely, he will, of course, be tested to determine if he has the mettle and cajoles to do the job.

With what foreign enemy might that first major test originate?

Maybe Fidel Castro, that demented old commie, will arrange for Russian nuclear missiles to be re-planted in Cuba in a desperate attempt to end the American embargo of his corrupt island dictatorship?

Perhaps Vladimir Putin will try to assert Russia's renewed status as a superpower to the new kid on the block by invading Georgia--as in Atlanta?

Or maybe Iranian crazy Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will test fire a few missiles over Tel Aviv, just to see if Obama really gives a tinker's damn about all those Jews?

The answer: None of the above!

In fact, Obama insiders are already drawing up plans for dealing with the most pernicious threat to the new administration: The unbridled mouth of Joseph Biden!

Known in inner circles as the Everready Bunny of Political Gaffes, Biden was prohibited from making public speeches or granting interviews over the last few days leading to the election.

Team Obama correctly reasoned that even a 20-point lead was not safe, given the uncanny ability of Joe Biden to say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Therefore, if Obama wins, the problem for Obama operatives will be huge:

How to gag and muffle a presumably healthy vice president of the United States for at least four years without using water boarding, false imprisonment, a hired assassin, or lobotomy?

When you get down to it, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Vladimir Putin, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and other scoundrels of their ilk are like Red Cross volunteers when compared to the devastation that an impromptu statement from Joe Biden can have!

If nothing else, chronicling the misadventures of Joe Biden and the mad scrambles by Obama to clean up Joe's messes could bring uproarious hilarity to an otherwise horrific story.


Monday, November 03, 2008

A Sneak Peek Into Hillary's Election Eve Diary

Satire By John Kakistos Lillpop

No one can know for sure, but it sure is interesting to speculate about what might be going through Hillary Clinton's mind on election eve.

Is she thinking suicide? Mass murder? Acceptance? Forgiveness?

A look into Hill's diary might reveal something like this:

"Dear Diary:

Would you believe it? That inexperienced, terrorist coddling, black community organizer brat looks like he is going to win the presidency?

The presidency that was my "inevitable" destination and birth right!

I knew instinctively not to trust Howard Dean and that lard ass who sleeps with me when he runs out of interns. They are the block heads who argued that Obama could not possibly win and that 2012 would be mine for the taking!

Damn! I should have held out and forced the issue right through the convention. If nothing else, I would have given that old goat McCain more time to figure out where is his butt is located and make a real challenge at the "Black" Kennedy.

Kennedy, my tush! Camelot was a statesman, a military hero, a man of achievement.

Diary, I knew John Kennedy and Barack Obama is no Jack Kennedy! Not even close.

This kid Obama is a good speaker unless you listen to what in the hell he says. Which is exactly nothing!

But what the hell can he talk about given the fact that he has no experience and has accomplished nothing?


So its non-stop drivel about change, change, change.

Then the guy who says he wants change, overlooks me for VP and picks that tired old fool Joe Biden who has been in Washington, D.C., longer than the GD Potomac River!

The only change Biden will bring is a loss of about 50 IQ points in Obama's staff!

Biden is as dumb as baby poop, but thinks he is the smartest person around. Too damn stupid to realize that he is an idiot!

How in the hell did Joe the Plagiarist get into Obama's head? Perhaps Biden sealed the deal when he called BO "Clean and articulate" ?

Then there is the Black Widow of American politics, the unlovely and unlovable Michelle Obama. I just know that this black beach talked Obama into keeping me off the ticket--I just know it!

She knows that I am smarter than Obama and Biden combined. Even with my hands tied behind my back, I could outthink and out pace those two misfits.

Diary, I know the White House! I lived there for eight years, remember?

Hell, I have most of the best White House china and furniture in storage just waiting for this sexist nation to give me the OK to take over the damned Oval Office. I am ready and able, but the sniper fire from this Obama kid is really raining on my parade.

Well, Diary I will sign off now as I need to get up early and work on a strategery for not attending the Obama inauguration or any of the celebration balls--without appearing small and spiteful.

Hell, I am not even sure we will be invited to the swearing in or the balls.

If we are invited , I will weasel out by telling the Obamas that Slick has a sexual disorder that is life threatening in nature and which forces him to stay indoors.

That would be believable, don't ya think?

Bye for now,


High-tech Chastity Belt for Women Helps Promote Fidelity!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Great news come from across the pond!

As reported in the Daily Mail in the UK, modern man has crafted a new high technology device that will revolutionize the way promiscuous women are reigned in.

The story, in part:

"Feminists around the world have reacted with horror to a new line of lingerie that comes equipped with a GPS tracking system.

The 'find me if you can' range of underwear has been described as a modern-day, high-tech chastity belt.

'It is outrageous to think that men can buy this, programme it and give it to their partners and then monitor them,' said Claudia Burghart, leader of a Berlin feminist group.

'It is nothing more than a chastity belt for insecure men.'


As to Ms. Burghart's comment, the device it actually a necessary evil in a world populated by wild feminists!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

American Patriots Surge In War Against Marxism, Voter Fraud

By John W. Lillpop

Pollster John Zogby is reporting that John McCain out polled Barack Obama on Friday. This could be the start of a "Surge" that would elevate the McCain-Palin ticket to victory!

In John Zogby's own words:

"Is McCain making a move? The three-day average holds steady, but McCain outpolled Obama today, 48% to 47%. He is beginning to cut into Obama's lead among independents, is now leading among blue collar voters, has strengthened his lead among investors and among men, and is walloping Obama among NASCAR voters. Joe the Plumber may get his license after all. "Obama's lead among women declined, and it looks like it is occurring because McCain is solidifying the support of conservative women, which is something we saw last time McCain picked up in the polls. If McCain has a good day tomorrow, we will eliminate Obama's good day three days ago, and we could really see some tightening in this rolling average. But for now, hold on."

In plain English, It ain't over 'till it is over!