satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Monday, June 30, 2008

Feminist Author of "She Inc." Not Celebrating Hillary's Demise?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Whether or not one is a feminist has more to do with what is lodged between one's ears than what is dangling, or not, between one's legs.

Kenneth J. Gross, author of "She Inc.," a sort of perverted wish list for feminist fascists seeking to take over the globe via group Vagina channeling, is a perfect example.

We understand that Gross is indeed a male feminist, a sell out to the darker side of humanity. The anti- Jetti in the war between the sexes, is he, to paraphrase Yoda.

Mind you, Gross's breezy little novel is entertaining and captivating, provided one hates the natural order of things, ergo, male superiority and dominance in all of life's war zones.

To chagrined feminists suffering from psychic abuse, real or imagined, at the hands of men, Gross weaves a fanciful tale which enables forlorn old maids, and young, unattractive ones, to escape reality through Pat Stenson and her five bosom buddies.

Using their superior brains and fertile uteruses in a joint venture known as "She Inc.," Stenson and friends work tirelessly and ruthlessly toward their goal of replacing male dominance with female fascism.

Not a particularly noble calling, but for some women She Inc., is about as close as they will ever come to self-actualization and real power.

Although Gross is not likely to win any awards for writing excellence, he does deserve some credit for being masterfully clairvoyant:

She Inc.,
hit the book stands just as Hillary's Clinton fairy tale about becoming the first woman to serve as president of these United States was about to bear fruit.

The derailing of Hillary's Oval Office scheme by a young black man with Muslim first, middle, and last names must have distressed Gross to no end; it could not have happened to a more deserving scalawag.

As it turns out, the fruit reaped from the tree of Hillary was nothing but sour grapes.

Still, Gross can celebrate in the knowledge that Hillary's aborted presidential campaign will cause millions of distressed feminists to seek solace in chocolate, shopping, and fictional accounts of women with power.

That being the case, it could be quite a boom year for Gross and She Inc. after all!


Friday, June 27, 2008

Water on Mars? What About Oil Under the Golden Gate Bridge?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

As one who listens to network "news" only when it cannot be avoided, I am convinced that the FCC has a constitutional, legal, and spiritual obligation to protect the American people by including a health warning before and after every news broadcast.

FCC-sanctioned news disclaimers should read something like this:

"Conservatives are warned that listening to this broadcast may result in hypertension, hardening of the arteries, and other potentially lethal health conditions, particularly among those who are unduly insistent on unbiased and factual presentation of the news.

"No adjustment to your radio is required

That sort of disclaimer would have eased the distress of being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge recently, with no choice but to listen to the latest claptrap from the local affiliate of a major network.

Network propaganda falsely bills this hourly recitation of Democrat Party talking points as "Here's the Latest!" but a foul air alert would make more sense.

On this day, the top news item was the possible discovery of water on Mars. Although the newscaster did not use these exact words, it was clear that he was frothing at the mouth to say,

"NASA scientists are reporting tonight that water may have been found on Mars. When confirmed, this discovery will immediately debunk everything in Genesis and the rest of the Holy Bible. Film at 11!"

With all due respect to so-called news professionals, even if there is, or was, water on Mars, so what? Unless Martian water will burn in a combustion engine and fuel a 757 jet non-stop from LA to New York City, who gives a tinker's dam?

Meanwhile, the media ignore the most urgent news of the young millennium: There is oil under the Golden Gate Bridge and all along and off the California coastline.

In fact, there may even be enough "Black Gold" in California to end US reliance on oil from terrorist states, Russia, and Venezuela.

The big question: With gasoline approaching $5 a gallon, why are there no derricks, drilling rigs, and other instruments of energy independence under the Golden Gate Bridge and on California's pristine beaches, which are instead wasted on parties, fishing, and other unhealthy fads?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Pregnancy Pacts: Liberalism Run Amuck?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

For those who believe that America is in a state of steep moral decline, the latest phenomenon known as "Pregnancy Pacts" will do little to restore waning confidence in the innate superiority of American culture.

Thanks to the pioneering spirit of seventeen teenage girls in Massachusetts, Pregnancy Pacts are poised to usurp cable television as the preferred source of summer entertainment for teenage girls with too much time on their hands-- and other body parts as well.

For those unfamiliar with the term, Pregnancy Pacts refers to an accord between a group of like minded, unmarried teenage girls who agree to become pregnant in order to share the pain and glory of pregnancy, delivery, and raising of new born infants.

This sort of bonding used to take place in traditional families as an integral part of the marriage rituals between one man and one woman. However, with the advent of non-traditional unions in Massachusetts, mom and dad families are "old school," definitely "not cool," at least not in some high schools.

Because this shocking news originates in the only state in the union that is even close to being as liberal as California, I decided to interview Speaker Nancy Pelosi to get her views and feelings on this extraordinary development.

I caught up with Speaker Pelosi at an abortion cell on Alcatraz Island where she was donating blood for an unwed girl who was about to undergo an abortion.


Greetings, Speaker Pelosi! Great to see you again, especially in such a positive and rewarding role as donating blood.

Speaker Pelosi:

Thank you, John. I believe that giving blood is a great way to help save an innocent life and that is my passion!


But is that not somewhat contradictory, Madam Speaker? After all, your blood will sustain the mother during the willful termination of an innocent fetus. Does that not bother you at all?

Speaker Pelosi:

Damn it, John! I was referring to the innocent life of the mother! Please, vacate all the insane hyperventilating about unborn fetuses!

The damn things are nothing more than a few blobs of undeveloped flesh. Remember, that every fetus is the private property of the woman involved--it is in the Constitution!

Besides, most fetuses are butt ugly and have damn little value except to right wing goof balls that could care less about the precious little darlings once they come bouncing out of the womb!


I understand your position very well, and apologize for bringing up an issue settled long ago.

I would, however, like to get your reaction to the latest social fad-- so-called pregnancy pacts between groups of teenage girls.

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, as you can imagine, I am very concerned about this.

But at the outset let me say that I am encouraged by the fact that these young girls are not campaigning for John McCain or pulling some other outrageous stunts that will only harm the Democrat Party in November.

Truth is, I would prefer to see these gals pregnant and bare-footed, rather than in the clutches of old white Republican vipers like John McCain.

Besides, we can always abort unwanted brats-- reversing the damage caused by old bastards like John McCain could be damn near impossible.


That makes sense. But what has caused these pregnancy pacts to become "cool"?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, to be perfectly honest, the Hillary Clinton spectacle over the past several months did not help at all. Hillary made a damn fool of herself and, in doing so, did irreparable damage to the self-esteem of millions of young girls.

Some girls reacted by working harder at school, or joining the Obama campaign. Others, usually less educated kids from bitter rural families with handguns, have turned to pregnancy pacts to express their anger.


So it is all Hillary's fault?

Speaker Pelosi:

Not entirely. There are other root causes for this unhealthy fad.

For example, George W. Bush's evil and illegal war in Iraq war bears much of the blame.


The war in Iraq? What in the world does that have to do with pregnancy pacts?

Speaker Pelosi:

Quite simple, really: If Bush had not shipped so many young men to Iraq, those men could be living in Massachusetts where they could fall in love with and marry young girls like those involved with these crazy pregnancy pacts.


I still do not understand Madam Speaker. How do you know that any of those troops in Iraq would have married any young girl in Massachusetts? What is the basis for that argument?

Speaker Pelosi:

You know, John, you bore me. You bore me a lot!

I have tried to explain this in the simplest terms possible. You are obviously suffering from a right-wing bias that makes it impossible to communicate with you.

Besides, I have a life to save in less than 30 minutes. Please leave this cell immediately so that I can get back to donating blood for this brave teen girl who is sacrificing her own to help save the planet from overpopulation.

Good night, John!


Thank you, Speaker Pelosi.

What Would President Obama Do About the Price of Gasoline?

By John W. Lillpop

As soaring gasoline prices continue to wreak havoc among poor and near poor American families, presidential nominee Barack Obama has made headlines by telling the poor what he will not do to resolve the energy crisis.

Specifically, as president, Obama would not:

Advocate domestic drilling;

Seek additional refining capacity; or

Encourage development of nuclear power.

Having ruled out all reasonable ideas for increasing supply, Obama seems obsessed with reducing demand, even though oil is the mother's milk of America's economy and fuels the way of life that Americans adore.

So, what is a card-carrying Marxist to do when the well being of the unwashed masses conflicts with the socialist agenda of the Democrat Party when it comes to insects' rights?

Should government seek to lower gasoline prices at the expense of the cross-eyed gay mosquito, an endangered species found only in Alaska and off the coasts of California and Florida?

Nuclear power might be plausible, but surely liberal-minded scientists can find a greener way to boil water?

Installing more refining capacity is out because it would take at least five years to implement. By then, science will most likely have perfected the technology needed to convert conservative talk show commentary--ergo, hot air--into affordable home heating products and fuel pellets for compact imported cars.

What to do, in the here and NOW? Especially since most of the folks suffering from high gasoline prices are die-hard Democrat voters?

Perhaps Obama should lift a page from the play book of the last American president who actually took a pro-active step(s) on energy and gasoline prices?

That would be one James Earl Carter, 39th president of the United States and the American politician most responsible for the Reagan Revolution.

Immediately after being inaugurated on January 20, 1977 , President Carter and his wife Rosalynn jumped out of their limousine and walked down Pennsylvania Avenue from the Capitol to the White House.

Mind you, Jimmy Carter was setting an example for the American people and the entire globe about the urgent need to conserve energy.

After all, gasoline was all of $.65 a gallon as Carter and his family walked to the Oval Office, where the new president immediately exercised his awesome powers by mandating a non-negotiable schedule for the White House tennis courts.

Unfortunately for America and western civilization, Carter's stroll down Pennsylvania failed to prove anything, except that Jimmy was even more of a loon than Republicans had alleged.

Still, Carter's walk showed the unwashed masses that he was doing something.

Since then, Americans have come to understand that sometimes something is worse than doing nothing at all, especially when Democrats are involved!

Further proof of this truth came when President Carter created two new cabinet-level departments: the Department of Energy and the Department of Education, which dang near ruined energy and education in America.

But back to 2008.

Perhaps Barack Obama should sprint down Pennsylvania Avenue, in light of the fact that gasoline is nearly ten times more expensive than when Jimmy Carter rained on America's parade in 1977?

Lord knows that Obama should be fit enough to jog down Pennsylvania Avenue without even working up a sweat, especially after spending nearly two years running for office.

Better still, Mr. Obama: For the sake of America, don't do something, just stand there!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Eulogizing George Carlin, In His Own Words

Satire by John W. Lillpop

As the world mourns the death of the most notorious potty mouth of the past two centuries, it might be educational to hear the Eulogy of George Carlin in his own words.

I rather suppose such a eulogy would be rated PG and might read something like this:

Dear Ladies, Gentlemen:

We are gathered here today to pay respects and say our final good byes to George Carlin, one funny "m###########."

George taught us to laugh, he taught us to cry, and he taught us how to "p###" into the wind without giving a "s###" about who might get wet.

George taught our sons that there is more to life than a "c###" with big "t###."

Now it is time to return George to the Lord for final disposition.

Take this "C#########" home, Lord, and may his final words live forever: "F###" the FCC!

Amen and be blessed!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Matthew 7:16-20, the California Supreme Court, and Gay Weddings

Satire By John W. Lillpop

California is renowned for being on the cutting edge of technology, education, culture, politics, and just old fashioned kookiness.

Take for instance the latest headline grabber from the West Coast: Gay marriage became a reality here starting at 5:01, PDT, on June 16, 2008.

Notwithstanding the prestige involved in being the first to dabble in gay marriage, several crucial questions remain unanswered concerning this latest California phenomena.


1. Given the miserable failure rate of heterosexual marriages, why in the world would any sane gay or lesbian couple want to get married?

2. Should, God forbid, the military draft become necessary in the future, would a married man, married to another man, be exempt from the draft?

If both men sought military deferments, which partner would be spared, and which one would be sent off to war, and why?

3. When Jesus said, in Matthew 7:16-20, "By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them," was he referring to the California Supreme Court and their bombshell ruling which overturned the will of the people vis-à-vis gay marriage?

4. Should California voters reject (again) same-sex marriage at the ballot box in November, will San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom declare the election unconstitutional and proceed with plans to marry all San Francisco gay and lesbian couples via one grand C-Span interactive broadcast at midnight, Christmas Eve?

5. If Fred, a gay American citizen, weds Ricardo, a gay illegal alien from Mexico, will Ricardo automatically become an U.S. citizen?

6. If the answer to five is YES, is there a procedure whereby Representative Barney Frank could marry all 38 million illegal aliens in America in one ceremony, thereby granting immediate citizenship to all said invaders, and locking up the Hispanic vote for Barack Obama?

7. Given the fact that the California Supreme Court has wielded a wrecking ball to the institution of marriage, are there any guidelines as to whom or what can become "as one" by taking the marriage vows?

For example, what if Fred, Ricky, and Harry decide that a gay threesome would make a nifty family, what would stop them from doing just that?

Or what if Gina decides to betroth Doe, a female deer, and Ray, a lesbian barber who specializes in butch cuts? Would the state of California blithely take their marriage license fees, and speed the two ladies and their dear deer on their way to everlasting marital bliss?

These are but a few of the crucial questions that immediately come to mind on this complex issue. However, one thing seems perfectly clear: Untangling the inevitable messes will be anything but gay!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Why Is Government Forcing America to Switch to Digital Television?

By John W Lillpop

Apparently the sticky problems confronting our nation, including wars in two foreign nations, the very real threat of terrorism, gasoline near $5 a gallon, rising inflation and unemployment, spiraling health care costs, record federal deficits, old, declining infrastructure, and massive illegal immigration from the third-world, are not enough to keep Washington bureaucrats busy.

How else to explain the fact that, as of February 17, 2009, the federal government has mandated that all analog television broadcasting is to be discontinued and replaced by digital vibes?

Thanks to the Digital Television Transition And Public Safety Act of 2005 (the Act) signed into law by President Bush on February 8, 2006, that 1986 Zenith console sitting in my living room will officially die at midnight on February 16, 2009.

On that sorrowful date, my 30" Zenith will pay for the sin of being analog in the digital age. It's sort of like being a Smith-Corona electric typewriter in the era of word processors, e-mail, text messaging and all of the other modern means of communication that no longer require carbon paper or white out.

OK, I freely admit that analog is old school, but so what? I happen to like old school, and find it infuriating when any government entity chokes off my freedom to choose whatever suits my fancy!

Besides, where in the US Constitution are the president and the US Congress empowered to force me to watch one type of television over another?

Why is that any of the government's damned business?

Propaganda geeks in the FCC and other worthless federal departments claim that digital will dramatically improve the picture and sound of America's television viewing. A multitude of new channels will be avaiable, so they say.

That, in my opinion, is one damn pathetic excuse for allowing the federal government to stick its ugly nose and mitts into my affairs. In fact, given the utterly worthless garbage that is broadcast these days, the FCC should be doing everything in it's power to make television viewing less attractive and less frequent!

That would be the compassionate thing to do for a generation of TV-addicted chowder heads that, because of television and overly potent Marijuana, are unable to read their high school diplomas, eviction notices, or bankruptcy papers.

To add insult to stupidity, the government has established the Digital-to-Analog Converter Box Coupon Program, which is bureaucratic double-speak for a giveaway program for blokes unable to afford the converter box that will be needed to tap into the digital version of America's vast wasteland on February 17.

And so it is that your government will add another couple of billion dollars to the huge tab already awaiting your grandchildren and their grandchildren.

God bless analog, 1986 Zenith consoles, the US Constitution, and old school thinking!

Without Tim Russert Around, Who's in Charge of the Election?

By John W. Lillpop

Tim Russert was a great American, a man loved by nearly everyone regardless of political affiliation or ideology.

Besides being an affable, likable fellow, Tim was the consummate professional at a time when reporters and journalists are held in approximately the same public esteem as used car salesmen.

Tim Russert's integrity, truthfulness, and objectivity were never in question, so untarnished were his credentials and reputation.

However, since Russert's sudden death last Friday, America's television industry has inundated the airwaves with non-stop analysis and tributes over and over again, to such excess that Russert himself would be annoyed.

Despite television reports to the contrary, Tim Russert was mortal.

Although he expired on a Friday, no one expects that Russert will be lifted up into the heavens this Sunday morning, or on any other Sunday morning in the near future.

Tim Russert deserves to rest in peace. His surviving loved ones deserve to mourn his passing in quiet dignity.

The American people must remain strong and know that the elections are still on for November 4, and that we can and will hold important elections, even without Tim Russert around to guide us.

Friday, June 13, 2008

I Am Voting Democrat

By John W. Lillpop

After two years of listening to and watching hundreds of debates and town hall meetings, I have finally reached a conclusion.

I am voting Democrat because:

Soaring prices at the gas pump will ultimately squash demand, thereby reducing global warming;

Drilling for oil in Alaska is an immoral, preventable form of animal abuse;

Paying $10 or more a gallon for gasoline is the morally correct thing to do if it will save the life of even one endangered fruit fly;

U.S. troops in Iraq must be brought home immediately and made available for deployment to Haiti, the Dominican Republic, or other obscure nation in which the United States has absolutely no vital interest;

Thanks to Roe V. Wade, America has been spared the burden of approximately 50 million unneeded people at a time when natural resources like petroleum and water are in short supply;

Universal health care will bring American medicine down to the standards of Britain and Canada, thereby reducing the influx of Brits and Canadians who flock here in pursuit of high quality, timely treatment;

Shaira law is superior to the U.S. Constitution and the laws of the several states;

School prayer is evil because it programs children to rely on religious faith and superstition rather than government;

America needs Supreme Court justices who will rule on behalf of terrorists, against lawless renegades in the U.S. military;

Gay marriage is better for the environment because it does not contribute to overpopulation;

America must grant amnesty to ~38 million illegal aliens in order to prove our commitment to diversity and the eradication of racism;

Drugs with the potential to save the lives of poor people of color must be made available, free of cost, regardless of impact on the development of new medicines at pharmaceutical companies.

Appeasement is the only way to deal with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
and other Islamofacists intent on destroying America, Israel, and all western democracies.

Gays need Constitutional protection from religious and medical bigots who would unjustly shield 98 percent of the population from victims afflicted with AIDS or HIV.

No person is "illegal," except for George W. Bush and Dick Cheney;

Meeting America's energy and economic needs must never take precedent over the welfare of Sumatran rhinos, pygmy hogs, polar bears, and other endangered species.

Windfall taxes must be imposed on huge oil corporations and on CEOs who are guilty of indecent profits. Orphan Winfrey, George Soros, black athletes, liberal Hollywood stars, and Bill and Hillary Clinton are exempt;

Gun control laws and the death penalty would be unnecessary if human fetuses with criminal profiles were aborted before birth;

Treating illegal aliens under a universal health care scheme would be far less costly, thus saving illegals hundreds of billions of dollars that they can use for other expenses, or send home to Mexico;

Every American child deserves a college degree: Discriminatory practices such as final exams and grading on a bell curve can do irreparable damage to a lesser child's self esteem, and must be outlawed;

No child should have to share a classroom or teacher with another child or children, except as needed to enforce integration and or diversity quotas;

Higher taxes are needed to offset greed, abuse, and slothfulness among the rich;

The United Nations and most other nations in the world are morally and spiritually superior to the United States, and

Karl Markx was smarter than George W. Bush.

See you on November 4th!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Aloha and Mahalo, Jidhadist Dudes!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Of all the bloody cheek!

No longer content with just ramming airplanes into skyscrapers, devotees of the "Religion of Peace" have raised the terror bar another couple of notches.

Now these neurotic stowaways from the 7th century have flexed their financial muscle by threatening to boycott Northwest Airlines. It seems as though agents at Northwest had the audacity to demand that Muslim travelers follow international and airline rules by checking in least one hour before scheduled departure time.

It had something to do with security, 9/11, terrorism threats, etc. Nothing that would concern any card-holding Jihadist, right?

In any event, travelers returning from a pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia, allegedly arrived just twenty minutes before departure, rather the required hour.

That is when Northwest Airlines personnel acted responsibly and refused to allow 40 of Allah's best and brightest to board the plane.

Of course, lawyers from CAIR subsequently gathered to address the issue in the spirit of fairness, reasoned logic, and common sense.

When all of those approaches failed, CAIR resorted to their standard policy book and screamed Racism! blah, blah, blah. And they then threatened to boycott the company, meaning that Muslims would get even by not flying Northwest Airlines.

Excuse me, did I read that correctly? The Muslims threatened to stay away from Northwest Airlines?

Good grief, how lucky can any airline get?

Immediately after confirming this report, I checked the itinerary for my Hawaii vacation in May and dispatched the following letter to the Northern California branch of CAIR:

Dear CAIR:

Knowing how racist and belligerent some airlines can be, I thought it my civic duty to inform you of a situation that is untenable for any devoted Jihadist.

I refer to XXX Airlines, Flight XX, on June 15,2008. This flight is non-stop from Morgan Hill International Airport in California to Hana, Maui, and leaves at 730 am, PDT. Gate 2a, Terminal 3.

In addition, please make note of the return flight from Hana to Morgan Hill on June 30, 2008.

Both of these flights are to be avoided by Muslims at all costs. The pilots, stewardesses, security personal, bartenders, and Red Caps at these airports are all bigoted, anti-Islam racists. Some may even be Jews.

Please confirm receipt of this advisory and CAIR's firm commitment to boycott the identified flights.

Praise be to Allah.

Mahalo and aloha, dudes!

Infidel, Second Class

Help Wanted: Executive Position in Washington, D.C.

Satire By John W. Lillpop

America is in a dilemma of catastrophic proportions since neither of the major party candidates is qualified to serve as the 44th president of these great United States.

Both Barack Obama and John McCain are certified socialists with fascist tendencies. We simply must not trust either of these fellows with the future of the world's greatest economy and only superpower.

America needs a new direction--change from "Change," if you will.

Before it is too late, someone needs to place the following ad in all major communications media. Cost unknown, but probably not insignificant.

The help wanted ad to save America:

"Full time Executive position in Washington, D.C., starting January 20, 2009 and ending January 20, 2013. Second four-year term possible, depending on performance during first term.

Must be an ultra pro-America, pro-life, pro-rule of law, pro-military, pro-business, pro-English only, and pro-traditional family values Christian capitalist.

Must be a fervently anti-illegal aliens, anti-gay marriage, anti-tax, anti-government, anti-Jihadist, anti-abortion, anti-affirmative action, and anti-mainstream media conservative with impeccable credentials.

Must have excellent English (only!) communication skills and be unolingual. No exceptions.

All applicants subject to hostile vetting and outrageous mud slinging from other applicants who will be vigorously aided and abetted by the biased media.

Interviews with approximately 140 million employers scheduled for November 4, 2008.

Successful applicant will be projected by CBS News several hours before all employers have had a chance to vote.

Moderate scalawags, closet terrorists, and RINOs with MBA and third grade Spanish-language skills need not apply.

Mormons with prior executive experience and several hundred million dollars in the bank encouraged to apply."

Are you listening, Mitt Romney?

Monday, June 09, 2008


Satire By John W. Lillpop

One of my favorite editors chided me over a recent column titled "Celebrating the Death of Inevitability," written to gloat, in a chortling, disrespectful way, over the demise of Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton.

AKA, Hildabeast, and AKA, the Queen of Inevitability.

Hillary, this astute editor suggested, might not be politically dead after all, particularly were she to somehow triangulate herself onto the Republican ticket as John McCain's running mate.

McCain-Clinton? Could that really happen?

Impossible, you say? Think about it:

John McCain and Hillary Clinton are virtually indistinguishable on issues like immigration, global warming, and tax cuts.

Like McCain, Hillary voted to authorize the military incursion into Iraq.

Like Hillary, McCain has never met an illegal alien who does not deserve immediate citizenship and all the benefits accruing thereto.

Fact is, McCain may be more liberal than Hillary, but they can work that out.

However, how electable would a McCain-Clinton ticket be?

How many Republican voters would McCain lose because of Hillary, and how many Democrat voters would Hillary bring to the ticket?

To begin with, selecting Hillary as a running mate would be the last straw in McCain's decadent and persistent submission to liberalism. That alone would cost him all support from genuine conservatives and open-minded moderates.

On the other hand, Hillary Clinton fanatics, mostly over the hill, old school, desperate women looking for a Feminist hero to worship before they die, might vote for McCain just to get a fascist female in a position to conquer the White House.

And just to spite that uppity colored fellow who, according to Hillary fanatics, is an inexperienced sexist who probably belongs to a terrorist sleeper cell masked as a Christian Church run by folks like Reverend Jeremiah Alvesta Wright.

In addition, Hillary fanatics familiar with the 25th Amendment might conclude that voting for McCain-Clinton would put their gal in a perfect spot to seize the Oval Office should the president pass.

McCain is, after all, 72 years old.

Then there is always the remote chance of an untimely and tragic assassination that would catapult Hillary into the Oval Office.

Given the fact that Hillary and her fanatics earnestly believe that the presidency is her birthright and spiritual destiny, and because 18 million of these rascals voted Hillary in the primaries, one must conclude that this is a force to be reckoned with.

McCain-Clinton? Perhaps Inevitability is not dead after all!

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Stimulus Checks from Uncle Sam: Fool's Gold ?

By John W. Lillpop

How utterly clever and gracious of arrogant oafs in Washington to "gift" American taxpayers with a pittance of the funds previously pinched from we the people by a federal government that should be in foreclosure because of fiduciary neglect wrought by wholesale corruption and incompetence.

People who should know better are making a big deal over the fact that W and fellow conspirators in Congress are sending out checks of $1,200, $600, or some lesser amount arbitrarily determined by IRS scientists using a table of random numbers to assure fair and balanced pandering to the unwashed masses.

Taxpayers at least as bright as a trellis of decayed zucchini will immediately realize that not a damn penny of that $1,200 was earned by the federal government, or any of its many affiliated contractors, subcontractors, or other whores on the public trough.

No goofy liberal in Congress or demented conservative in the White House is doing you any favors!

It's your money, brothers and sisters!

And just where will Dubya and Congress get the dough to send we the unwashed so that we might "stimulate" the depressed economy created by these knot headed servants of the people?

As the old adage goes, "What goes around, comes around!" and that is clearly the case when it comes to windfall rebate checks.

Here is how it works:

Experts in Dubyanomics and other voodoo science decide that $20 billion dollars is urgently needed in the hands of the American public, as soon as possible.

To get the ball rolling, IRS launches a $5 billion advertising campaign just to let taxpayers know that our federal father figure will be sending out $20 billion, via the US Postal Service.

IRS economists cleverly calculate that about 30 percent of the rebate envelopes will be lost by the Post Office, thereby saving the nation billions in unredeemed treasury checks!

Even so, IRS administrative costs for processing the rebates add about $10 billion to the tab, so the total cost is now about $35 billion, sans rebates lost in the U.S. mail.

Now where in Hades will Dubya, Congress, and IRS come up with $35 billion?

This problem is particularly vexing since the national debt is already measured in trillions of dollars, thanks in no small part to Dubyanomics and six years of Congress in the hands of complicit conservatives.

Americans caught in the throes of credit card hell will immediately connect with the following solution: When unable to meet a current commitment, simply borrow some cash from Credit Card A and use that cash to make the minimum required payment on Credit Card B.

Sounds familiar, right?

Yes, of course, the result is greater debt and more interest obligations and less responsible stewardship of financial resources.

But that is precisely what happens when Uncle Sam sends you a "stimulus" check.

Rather than sending taxpayers a sack of what really amounts to "Fools Gold" from your grandchildren and their grandchildren, our federal fathers should enact deeper tax cuts and withhold less money from the paychecks of working Americans.

Washington needs to stop taking so damn much in taxes and stop wasting hundreds of billions on illegal aliens and other nonsense!

The only stimulus that America needs is for our federal father figures to get the hell out of the way of hard working, enterprising middle class citizens!

Friday, June 06, 2008

John McCain Would Like to See Man on Mars!

Satire By John W Lillpop

Speaking of fairy tales in this the most fanciful presidential campaign ever, John McCain, alleged Republican, has decided that America needs a presence on the Red Planet.

At a recent town hall event in Florida, he said the following:

"I am intrigued by a man on Mars and I think that it would excite the imagination of the American people if we can say, 'Hey, here's what it looks like."

Following this town hall blurb, McCain passed out "Martians for McCain" buttons, just to show his unwavering commitment to gray and green creatures with elongated heads and narrow eyes.

McCain campaign workers were quick to point out that the senator represents all Americans, be they brown, black, red, yellow, or gray and green, excepting only angry white male conservatives.

Actually, McCain may have hit on something: Mars may very well be the solution to most of the problems plaguing the world these days, especially America.

Think about it: Why limit the invasion of Mars to just one man? Why not round up a bunch of the 38 million illegal aliens in America and jettison said miscreants to the Red Planet?

Now that is something that would excite the imagination of all patriotic Americans!

Only RINOs like McCain, Democrats, the Mexican government, and brown people disinclined to go red would object.

Once illegal aliens have invaded Mars with their Mexican flags and banners screaming "Yes We Can" in Spanish, they could begin an immediate and unfettered search for oil.

Exploring for oil on Mars could be undertaken without any cock-eyed environmental concerns such as Mars warming, disturbing the habitat of cross -eyed mosquitoes, or any of the other liberal nonsense that has put America at the mercy of terrorist nations for fuel while paying close to $5 per gallon at the pump.

To summarize so far: Illegals out, oil in. Good news all around.

After the oil crisis has been solved, illegal aliens could dabble in agriculture by raising Mexican food staples. That would be rice, beans, taco shells, and barley hops. All that any Mexican lost in space could wish for!

Of course all of those Spanish-speaking illegal aliens on Mars would need a leader, a person capable of inspiring the faithful with words of eloquence and common sense. A man of extraordinary intelligence, cunning guile, and sophisticated articulation.

The name that immediately comes to mind is George W. Bush.

After all, W will be out of work in January and in need of a new home as well. He speaks Spanish nearly as well as he speaks English, which does not really say a whole hell of a lot.

Imagine that: George W. Bush, homeless and jobless in America. Perhaps there is a kind, loving God who cares about justice after all?

Perhaps NASA should build a bulletproof flying saucer in which we could send George W. Bush and John McCain together to the Red Planet?

Now that is something that would really excite the imagination of all Americans!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Democrats Pass Torch to New Generation: Feminism Vanquished!

By John W. Lillpop

June 3, 2008 will go into the annals of political history as the date on which an inexperienced and unqualified young black man from Illinois wrestled control of the national Democrat Party away from an aging feminist and her morally corrupt spouse.

On this memorable date, Barack Hussein Obama officially dispensed with Bill and Hillary Clinton and their "comeback" nonsense, signifying that the torch of power and influence has been passed to a new generation of American liberals.

It would be wonderful to congratulate Barack Obama and his followers for ridding America of the Clinton man-wife tag team, best known for being congenital liars and leftist fascists intent on bringing anarchy and evil back to the Oval Office.

Unfortunately for America and the republic, the Obama torchbearers are equally, or even more, intent on destroying America as are the Clintons.

Still, the Obama revolution has precipitated the long overdue decline and demise of feminist extremism in America. For that, America can offer a tip of the hat to that inexperienced and unqualified black man.

Because of Barack Obama, the American presidency continues to be a "Men Only Need Apply" position, even though Obama himself is not the man that America desperately needs as our 44th president.