satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Democrats Debate on Halloween

Halloween In Washington

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Halloween is a terrific time to party and let go. But wouldn't it be even more fun if politicians were required to dress in accordance with their public images for a change?

Contemplate the following halloween images:

George Bush As He Sees Himself

George Bush As the Rest of the World Sees Him

Dennis Kucinich's Night Job and Transport

Dick Cheney: Looking for a Lawyer

Nancy Pelosi: Edith Bunker

Bill Richardson: Vicente Fox

Ann Coulter: Golda Meir

Bill Clinton: Anti-terrorist Cop

Ted Kennedy: As himself!

Hillary Clinton: Fighting global warming!

Democrats Campaigning for the Muslim Vote

Muslims As the Religion of Peace!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Great News: Congressional Democrats Plan Shorter Workweek

Satire By John W. Lillpop

With an 11 percent approval rating to contend with, Democrats in the U.S. House did the only thing that makes sense: They announced a 20 percent reduction in their work week!

House majority leader, Representative Steny H. Hoyer of Maryland, made the announcement to fellow Democrats last week.

New York Times:

Hallelujah! This is the first good news to come from the People's House since it fell into enemy hands last January.

Logically speaking, the move makes perfect sense. By staying out of session, the House should theoretically do less damage to the war on terror, foreign policy and other matters constitutionally the responsibility of the executive branch.

In fact, the idea is so brilliant one cannot help but wonder why Democrats did not take it a step further. Why not convene on Fridays only?

A one-day workweek for the 110th Congress may be just what this nation needs to get steered in the right direction. I wonder if Speaker Pelosi can also convince Senate majority leader Harry Reid to implement a "Friday Only" policy for the most deliberative body on Earth?

The advantages of a Friday Only schedule are many including:

-Meddling in military affairs that are the domain of the commander-in-chief would be reduced or eliminated.

-Foreign policy matters, including how terrorist states like Syria and Iran are handled, would be left to competent professionals in the State Department rather than being botched by a leftist amateur from San Francisco.

-America's booming economy would be less vulnerable to sabotage by tax warriors like Rep. Charles Rangel (D-New York) who announced plans to "reform" America's tax policy with a trillion-dollar switch and bait scheme.

("Reform" translated from guttural liberalese means higher taxes for the impoverished, much higher for the working poor, devastatingly higher for the middle class and Karl Marxish higher for the rich. "Rich" in liberal vernacular means anyone who earns enough to make it cost-effective for the IRS to seize!)

-Mindless resolutions condemning American allies for events occurring 92 years ago would not make headlines all across the globe. Thus, the explosive situation in the Middle East would not be detonated by an addled grandmother who should tend to her precious grandchildren and leave governance to intelligent professionals.

-Measures to cripple America's ability to detect and deter terrorists would not waste valuable time, thereby freeing the president and his administration to engage the enemy in the war on terror.

-Less attention would be lavished on illegal aliens and proposals to transfer wealth from American citizens to foreign invaders would cease.

All in all, when the Democrat-controlled Congress is shut down, the American people are the winners!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Speaker Pelosi's Fake News Conference

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Egged on by the success of FEMA in staging a fake, yet believable, news conference to spin the California wildfires, Speaker Pelosi held an impromptu fake press conference of her own this afternoon to discuss her tenure as speaker.

Pelosi used three administrative assistants from her office, designated as FR1, 2, and 3, to pose as reporters during the charade. The transcript of the Pelosi fake press conference follows, unedited.

Speaker Pelosi:

Good afternoon and welcome to this impromptu press conference which I am happy to hold in order to keep Americans informed as to the business of the people. Thanks to each of you for coming. I will start by taking questions.

FR 1, please.


Speaker Pelosi the latest polling numbers suggest that the American people are not happy with the work of the Congress or the president. In fact, only 11 percent of those polled give Congress passing marks.

May I have your reaction?

Speaker Pelosi:

That is an excellent question FR1, and let me start by pointing out that that 11 percent is an aggregate measurement that includes the U.S. Senate. We believe that were it not for the Senate, that the House would be shining in those polls.

Secondly, the polls include Republican members. Again, we believe that the Republicans are a heavy drain on the public perception of Congress; without them, the overall numbers would be much better.

Of course, we expect to build substantially on our majority in the 2008 election. When we have more Democrats in both chambers, you will see dramatic improvements in the polls.

Speaker Pelosi:

FR2. Did I see your hand raised?


Speaker, the Democrats were elected largely to end the war in Iraq and bring the troops home. But since Democrats took over, the number of troops in Iraq has actually increased because of the surge.

In addition, the overall situation seems to be improving with less American deaths and a sense that the war might actually be winnable.

Are the Democrats prepared to accept defeat if America wins in Iraq?

Speaker Pelosi:

Great question. The fact is that we Democrats have made it known far and wide that we want timelines for leaving Iraq, that we want to stop the fighting as soon as possible, and that we favor diplomacy, or talking, over bullets.

Chat not shrapnel, is the slogan that I have come up with but have not yet applied to copyright.

Look, we Democrats believe that the situation is getting better in Iraq precisely because of our actions here at home. The enemy has heard the voice of reason coming from this side of the aisle and they know that peace is very attainable.

That is why the violence has ebbed in Iraq.

As far as accepting defeat, there will be no defeat if Democrats win both chambers and the White House 12 months from now.

FR3? This will be the last question.


Madam Speaker, your home state was devastated by wildfires this past week. Huge property losses with more than 1800 structures destroyed and one million people displaced at one point.

What do you believe caused these awful wildfires and how do you feel FEMA handled the crisis?

Speaker Pelosi:

It has been an awful week. My heart goes out to all those Conservative Republican millionaires who lost their mansions this past week. We will see just how small they want government to be now that they need a handout and federal aid! What happened to their precious Jesus this week?

But I digress. Actually, I think Senators Reid and Boxer hit the nail on the head when they pointed out that the fires started because of global warming and continued unabated because our National Guard resources are being wasted on George Bush's folly in Iraq.

Simply put, California is burning while Bush fiddles 8,000 miles from home!

As to the FEMA performance, I am highly distressed by the news that they actually staged a fake news conference in order to manipulate the news. What an outrage!

That wraps it up. Thanks once again for coming.

(Thinking the mike was dead, Speaker Pelosi continues: I believe it is FR2's turn to pick up the pizza and beer. See you three in my hotel room in an hour!)

Happy 60th Hillary--Time to Retire from Politics!

By John W. Lillpop

Today, October 26, 2007 is the 60th birthday of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

What an enigmatic character! Good heavens, in polls of the democratic base she appears unstoppable. Yet in wider polls of the American people at large, Hillary's negatives are close to 50 percent.

Hillary Clinton is truly the woman people love to hate. Especially in Republican circles.

Those seriously considering a vote for Hillary in 2008 need to answer several crucial questions:

-What impact would she have on America's defense and homeland security? Will she be pro-America or pro-global village?

- Can she earn and sustain the respect of Americans in uniform --those responsible for protecting the nation?

-What sort of nominations would she advance for vacancies on the Supreme Court and other federal judgeships?

-What impact would she have on U.S. sovereignty, vis-à-vis illegal aliens, the NAU, and the United Nations?

-What impact would she have on America's foreign policy? How long before she realizes that everything is not the fault of George W. Bush?

-What impact would far left extremists have on her policy decisions?

-What impact would she have on taxes, spending, and the economy? How would she handle Social Security and Medicare reform?

-What impact would she have on the growth of government regulations and intrusion into the lives of Americans?

-What impact would she have on religious faith and spiritual issues?

-What role would Bill Clinton play in her administration? That "Two for the price of one" nonsense did not work too well in 1992.

-Can she provide moral leadership and serve as a role model?

And last, but not least, with which baseball team would she align her rooting sympathies? The Washington Nationals or New York Yankees?

Or would she do the politically expedient think by rooting for both because the Yankees and Nationals are in opposing leagues?

If so, what if the Yankees and Nationals end up as foes in the World Series?

The really big question: Can America survive even one term of Hillary Clinton and a Democrat House and Senate?

Monday, October 22, 2007

Hillary's 60th Birthday

Satire By John W. Lillpop

On Friday Hillary Clinton will reach a major milestone in her life: She will turn 60 years old.

Of course, no one can know of a certainty but the following seems a reasonable guess as to what Hillary will be wishing for on her 60th birthday:

Endorsement of Barack Obama by the Nation of Islam, Louis Farrakhan, OJ Simpson, and Michael Vick.

John Edwards sued for $100 million dollars by physicians driven out of medicine by corrupt ambulance chasers/attorneys. Negative publicity forces Edwards to quit the 2008 presidential campaign.

Al Gore arrested for burning hundreds of boxes of "Albert Gore, 43rd President of the United States" letterhead on a no burn day, a felony known to cause global warming. Subsequently forced to return his Oscar and Nobel Peace Prize.

Slick Willie contracts an untreatable and mysterious strain of impotency that leaves him unable to perform sexually, except with her.

Rose Law Firm burns to the ground in a massive fire of suspicious origin. All records pertaining to Hillary's employment at Rose are destroyed.

Norman Hsu and Sandy Berger suffer unexpected, untimely and suspiciously similar deaths.

Rudy Giuliani arrested for diverting that $10 million dollar check from Saudi Prince Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal into his personal checking account for the 2008 campaign.

Matt Romney found to have more co-wives than Slick Willie has bimbos, past and present. Hillary laughs out loud when musing about what might have been if Slick had been a sex addict and Mormon.

Files containing extremely damaging information about Mike Huckabee's personal foibles in Arkansas miraculously survive the Rose Law Firm fire, and end up in Hillary's hands for safe keeping the night before the fire.

Monica Lewinski dies unexpectedly in circumstances eerily similar to those surrounding the mysterious deaths of Norman Hsu and Sandy Berger.

Fred Thompson falls asleep during Republican debate. No one notices except 100 million voters watching on television.

Chinese dishwashers and Latino illegal aliens advised to postpone learning English until after the 2008 election to avoid lies and propaganda from Republicans who hate yellow and brown people, especially those who speak English.

Private security firm reports that domestic spying apparatus at White House can be upgraded to include bimbo alarms and motion detectors/video cameras in that little room so special to Slick Willie and Monica.

Happy 60th, Hillary!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

More Newsworthy: Oprah's Thyroid Or Ellen's Iggy?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

With all due respect to those who decide what is newsworthy and what is not, many of the stories making the editor's cut these days do not seem particularly compelling.

For instance, why is Oprah Winfrey's thyroid a major story?

Mind you, I appreciate the fact that Oprah is an icon to oodles of free loaders who survive on junk food and booze purchased with welfare money. And I am not oblivious to Oprah's ongoing struggle with weight.

Count me among those who sincerely hope that fixing her wonky thyroid will make Oprah skinny and sexy. Again.

But to be perfectly honest, I suspect that Oprah is acting out on her addiction to Twinkies. Again.

By now, the queen of television surely must know that 20 Twinkies a day add up quickly. Throw in a a few cheesy pizzas, and before you know it the world has 20 extra pounds of Oprah to contend with.

But are Oprah's weight and thyroid problems really the stuff of which relevant news stories are crafted?

Then we have the heartbreaking story of Ellen DeGeneres and her dog Iggy, the canine pest that Ellen rescued from Mutts and Moms, a pet adoption agency.

Poor Ellen cared so deeply for this pooch that she gave the damn thing to her hairdresser in order to soothe her cats who found Iggy to be a royal pain in the tush.

However, Mutts and Moms rendered Ellen's unauthorized transfer of Iggy to be in violation of her adoption contract, several amendments to the U.S. Constitution, and a Gay and Lesbian Canine Bill of Rights currently being debated in the Democrat-controlled California state legislature.

As a result, local police halted their hunt for murderers and kidnappers long enough to remove Iggy from Ellen's scalawag hairdresser. Mutts and Moms then assigned Iggy to a new owner.

How did DeGeneres react to the news that her beloved Iggy was no longer with family?

Using her national television show as a bully pulpit, Ellen demonstrated her love for Iggy with a live, hour-long crying jag. In high definition.

From the intensity of Ellen's meltdown, one would have thought that Mutts and Moms had sentenced the helpless Iggy to the sole care of Michael Vick. For obedience training.

But even as adorable as Iggy is, was Ellen's bawling hysteria really worthy of headlines from sea to shining sea?

From my perspective, both Oprah's thyroid and Ellen's Iggy should have taken a back seat to these headlines:

President Bush Meets Dalai Lama, Comes Out Against World War 111

President Putin Meets With Iran's Ahmadinejad, Comes Out Against Bush and Threatens World War 111

Speaker Pelosi Fails in Attempt to Goad Turkey Into Invading Iraq Over 92-year Old Genocide

Religion of Peace Activists Celebrate Bhutto Return to Pakistan, 135 Die

Rep. Stark's Head Explodes on Floor of U.S. House, Bush Faulted

Shocker from Creator of Harry Potter: Dumbledore Gay, Voldermort a Homophobic Conservative White Christian

Rush Limbaugh Uses Reid Letter to Help Fund Iraq War

Don Imus Overcomes Objections from Al Sharpton, Other Nappy Headed Ho's, Returns to Radio

Well, what do you think? Should I pursue a new career as a news editor?

Or should I continue to grovel in abject poverty?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Barack Obama: You're No Ronald Reagan--But You May Be Dick Cheney!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Barack Obama has learned a whole lot about who he is, and is not, over the past several days.

The wackiness started when Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani took Obama to task for promising to meet with terrorist leaders.

Resurrecting the legacy of Ronald Reagan and the Gipper's adept handling of the communists, Giuliani reminded Obama of just whom he is not.

"I say this most respectfully: You're not Ronald Reagan, you know?" America's mayor said, chiding Obama on Tuesday.


No reaction has been forthcoming from Obama, but it seems safe to assume that being declared unlike conservative Ronald Reagan did not leave the liberal Democrat overly concerned or crestfallen.

But before Obama's team could exploit the "You're No Ronald Reagan!" endorsement from Giuliani, Lynne Cheney interceded with a broadside that could literally put an end to the Obama search for a White House in a predominantly black city.

Mrs. Cheney did so when she announced that her genealogical meddling has unearthed the following bombshell:

Vice President Dick Cheney and Democrat Barack Obama Are Eighth Cousins!

How utterly clever of Mrs. Darth Vader to reveal that tidy bit of information just at the election wars heat up. She knows full well that Obama faces an uphill battle in trying to overcome the perception that he "is not black enough," for African American voters.

Being found loitering in the Cheney family tree is just about the worst news that could hit Obama.

Possibly worse: Disclosure of the fact that Obama is the new owner of Iggy, Ellen DeGeneres' mutt, AND that Obama has sent Iggy to spend the holidays with Michael Vick in Virginia.

Still, there are obvious similarities between Obama and Cheney:

Both are clean and articulate.

Both are committed to winning the war on terror. The only difference being that Cheney is pulling for America to win, while Obama seems partial to the bad guys.

Both are concerned about the illegal alien issue. Cheney wants to let millions more in for cheap labor, Obama wants them here for cheap votes.

Both have deep respect for gays and lesbians. Cheney because of family, Obama because of votes.

Cheney and Obama have sharp differences, too:

Obama would invade allies like Pakistan, Cheney prefers to invade nations with huge oil reserves and infrastructure ruined by U.S. "shock and awe" missions.

Obama hates guns of all sorts, Cheney prefers to use a 28-gauge shotgun when needed to keep snotty lawyers on their toes.

Obama is pro-choice, Cheney believes that abortions rob America of the young men and women needed to invade and occupy foreign nations and provide Halliburton with cheap labor.

Obama is the picture of youth and health, Cheney a crusty old bird with a wonky heart.

Final analysis: Barack Obama, You're no Ronald Reagan, but you may be Dick Cheney!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Should Al Gore Run in 2008? Hell Yes, the Man Needs Exercise!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

With an undeserved Oscar in one hand and 50 percent of a phony Nobel Peace Prize in the other, Al Gore has pundits and hired assassins working for Hillary asking the really big question.

Namely: Will Al Gore run in 2008?

To which the answer should be an emphatic YES!

By all means, the overly plump former Veep should run every day, starting as soon as possible.

Follow these simple steps, Al, and watch those pounds melt away like glaciers in the arctic as a result of Bush's global warming.

Start slowly. Remember that it took 60 years to pile that unsightly and unhealthy weight on your hapless frame. You cannot possibly remove all of that ugly fat in one day, unless you are kidnapped by terrorists and immediately beheaded.

See your personal physician before embarking on any exercise regime. Your doc will probably measure your body mass index (BMI) to determine an appropriate recovery program just for you.

Unless your doc is a compassionate Republican, assisted suicide will not be an option at this point. In any event, check to see if HillaryCare will cover assisted suicide in Tennessee in the future.

If so, jot down the name of that compassionate Republican doc just in case.

Again, the key is to start slowly. My recommendation is that you engage Tipper in a speed walk to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts each morning. Expect Tipper to beat you to the goodies the first week.

Note that Tipper's superior walking skill is more of a function of gluttony than conditioning.

After the first week, Tipper will have gained about 30 pounds from eating all of those chocolate glazed, cream filled oversized bars, and you will be more competitive. Provided you do not start scarfing up on those chocolate bars yourself, that is.

As your fitness level improves, you will be able to take on more strenuous exercise. Starting in week three, you should begin a slow trot around the perimeter of your mansion in Nashville, stopping only to receive congratulatory wires, telegrams, and fan mail. Impromptu interviews by Katie Couric and other science experts should be limited to 30 minutes so as to gain the greatest training effect from your trots.

By the way, dancing around the truth is a terrific calorie-burner. But then it appears as though you already know that.

Finally, if those wretched conservatives get their way and you are forced to surrender that ill-begotten Nobel Peace Prize, forego the private jet for just once. Instead simply walk from Nashville to FEDEX headquarters in New York city.

Overnight your Nobel Peace Prize to the leftist nitwits in Oslo who gave you the prize to begin with. Send it collect using the UN billing number.

Then walk back to Nashville and immediately resume your exercise regime by lifting Tipper three feet off the ground, 100 times every morning.

Lifting Tipper may not do all that much for your physical conditioning, but if done properly, it should add a little spice to your love life!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Will Al Gore Win the Triple Crown?

By John W. Lillpop

As of mid-October, 2007 has been a very good year for Albert Gore, former Vice President of the United States. And it may get even better before 2007 has ended.

Gore's winning streak started in February when loony elitists in Hollywood bestowed an Oscar upon the Veep for a flick that still has political professionals scratching their heads in bewilderment.

Politicians experienced in all types of dirty tricks and political shenanigans wonder: How was Gore able to get An Inconvenient Truth classified as a documentary?

In truth, Gore's masterpiece is nothing more than a political ad that lasts two hours and 31 minutes.

Yet the damn thing won an Oscar. And millions of unwashed sheep flocked to theaters all across America and voluntarily paid good money to be hoodwinked and brainwashed by liberal propaganda available in the mainstream media on a daily basis.

Act Two of Gore's triumph over science came from Oslo Norway, on October 12.

From that beautiful city came word that the Nobel Peace Prize was being dumbed down--even further.

That is not exactly how it was announced, but it is a fair rendition given the fact that the prize was awarded to Gore and a UN Panel for their combined efforts to embarrass George W. Bush and the United States.

After honoring Yasser Araft with 33 percent of the prize in 1994 and Jimmy Carter in 2002, one would have hoped that the folks in Oslo had reached bottom.

Apparently not, given Al Gore's thievery of 50 percent of the award in 2007.

So, what is next for Al Gore?

Shall the humble man from Tennessee retreat to his modest abode in Nashville and live in seclusion until the next major award is thrust upon him?

After all, life is pretty sweet when you own a mansion with 20-rooms and eight baths spread out over 10,000 square feet, and when spending $30,000 a year to heat and cool said mansion is not even a slight concern.

Or, shall the former Veep continue to ignore his own "Think Green" admonishment by continuing to engage in incessant air travel, with the hideous carbon footprints that result, just to collect undeserved awards and to campaign for even more honors that defy science and discredit America?

With the end of 2007 almost upon us, it's a safe bet that Gore is plotting a full court strategy to seize the final award in the Triple Crown.

That would be the Time Magazine "Person of the Year."

It is also a safe bet that Gore will win that as well.

Pity there is no "Hypocrite of the Year" or "Carbon Polluter of the Year" award to recognize Al Gore for the inconvenient truth that is his extravagant lifestyle.

John is a recovering liberal.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Arnold Affirms Michael Savage on College Aid For Illegal Aliens!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Although Governor Schwarzenegger did not suggest that protesting illegal alien students should be allowed to starve, he did, in fact, side with Michael Savage on the issue of college aid for criminal invaders.

To his credit, the governor vetoed the moronic bill written by State Senator Gil Cedillo, D-Los Angeles. Arnold did so despite (or because of) the widely publicized endorsement by Barack Obama, the clean and articulate African-American running for the United States presidency.

No comment was forthcoming from the other African-American presidential hopeful, the unlovable Reverend Al Sharpton, who may or may not be clean and articulate, depending on the mood and amount of hallucinatory medicines in the blood of Senator Joe Biden at any given moment.

By executing his constitutional duties with common sense on this issue, Governor Schwarzenegger has demonstrated that he retains the occasional ability to act on behalf of California citizens, rather than invading criminals.

The governor's part-time advocacy for American and Californian citizens is about the best that can be expected, given his unfortunate, unwise, and imprudent marriage to a Kennedy Klan Kommunist, the unlovable Marie Shriver.

Political pundits will note that the governor took out his veto pen on Sunday morning. Clearly, Schwarzenegger decided on a Sunday veto in order to avoid spending another lonely Saturday night on a loveless couch in the governor's mansion in Sacramento.

Marie Shriver knows how to get her way, don't you know?

In any event, ya' did good on this one, Arnold. Pity you lost your way on the screwy bill that prohibits landlords from verifying immigration status.

Still, perhaps a bill will make it's way to your desk next year to "terminate" that legislative disaster.

If so, please remember that your best thinking takes place on Sunday mornings, when Marie's powers of persuasion are not quite so overwhelming!

Friday, October 12, 2007

A Politically Incorrect Press Release About Ted Kennedy's Medical Condition

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Doctors and nurses at Massachusetts General Hospital released a meaningless press release late Friday afternoon designed to cover-up the antics and reckless behavior of Senator Ted Kennedy while at that institution.

The verbatim press release text released by the hospital is given below and is augmented by a non-PC translation for the benefit of non-democrats:

Press Release:

"Senator Kennedy is resting comfortably and is in good spirits following surgery to repair a partially blocked artery in his neck."

Non-PC Translation:

Kennedy was falling down drunk--"in good spirits"-- and, in fact, did collapse. Four nurses and an illegal alien janitor were needed to move the intoxicated frame of the grossly overweight senator to a drunk tank where he passed out.

It is assumed that Kennedy is resting comfortably, but if not, so what? Who gives a damn?

Press Release:

"Kennedy underwent a hour-long procedure at Massachusetts General Hospital on Friday morning to repair his left carotid artery - a major supplier of blood to the neck and head. That artery was 70 percent blocked."

Non-PC Translation:

Surgeons removed three cocktail olives and a bar napkin bearing the inscription "Katy's Out Service " from the artery of Massachusetts' senior senator.

Press Release:

"By Friday afternoon, Senator Kennedy was sitting up, eating ice cream and drinking ginger ale. He planned to watch the Red Sox game Friday night."

Non-PC Translation:

By late Friday night, Kennedy was ready to start all over again. Using his bedside phone, Kennedy called a local liquor store (he knew the phone number by memory) and ordered two fifths of bourbon, a gallon of vodka, ice, a funnel, a cocktail pitcher, and three barf bags.

Asked about the alcohol supply, Kennedy answered that he has never tasted ginger ale and has no desire to ever do so, and that he hates baseball, especially the Boston Red Sox!

Press Release:

"Immediately before his surgery, the senator appeared to be struggling for his life and requested that a Catholic priest be summoned for Last Rites.

"The senator appeared to be in good spirits following confession and the Last Rites ceremony, and was resting comfortably."

Non-PC Translation:

Because of Kennedy's support for baby killers, no Catholic priest could be found to deliver Last Rites. Kennedy's personal priest was reportedly at an overnight sleep out for young boys and was unavailable.

Instead of Last Rites, Kennedy decided to down a couple of pitchers of stiff doubles and meet his maker on his own (Kennedy's) terms.

Lead by the spirits, the senator opened up his soul and confessed to murdering Mary Jo Kopechne and screwing the American people for more than 40 years. Kennedy passed out (again) and was presumed to be resting comfortably until he was wheeled into surgery.

Press Release:

"After a very brief recovery period, Senator Kennedy will resume his normal schedule in Washington and in Massachusetts," his spokesperson said.

Non-PC Translation:

All bartenders and bar- maids servicing Washington, D.C. and Boston clubs are advised to resume a full work schedule starting Monday morning. Senator Kennedy does not want any interruption in his supply of "good spirits!"

Welcome back Teddy, and here's to your good health (not)!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Draft Al Gore: So, How Many Nobel Peace Prizes Has Hillary Won?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Former Vice President Al Gore's efforts to save the planet finally paid dividends when he was able to triangulate a phony non-issue into a Nobel Peace Prize, a mockery of science that Gore shares with a UN panel.

With this spectacular achievement, Gore has gained the love and adoration of billions of people across the globe who yearn for a strong leader with the spiritual and moral credentials to lead the world out of the environmental quagmire created and perpetuated by G.W. Bush.

Above all else, Al Gore has taken the high road in doing something positive to change America's tattered image as a collection of 300 million over consuming, overweight spoiled brats who view the rest of the world as America's garbage disposal, ashtray, and septic tank.

Thanks to Al Gore, the world is starting to realize that there is indeed a good and gracious side to Americans.

Because of Al Gore, the world realizes that we care about more than money, sex, football, and 80- inch plasma televisions.

Al Gore has single-handedly reinvigorated the notion that Americans are among the most noble and trustworthy citizens on earth.

Next to inventing the Internet, and losing the 2000 election to a non-English speaking cow poke from Texas, winning the Nobel Peace Prize is the most remarkable event in the life of American hero Al Gore.

During the time that Al Gore has been dazzling the world with his spiritual and moral superiority, Hillary Clinton continues her relentless drive toward being the most corrupt politician ever to run for elective office.

Hillary's associations with the likes of Norman Hsu, Sandy Berger, and Slick Wille only serve to reinforce her image as the woman whom people instantly like, but come to despise once they get to know her better.

If there were a female Darth Vader in American politics, it would surely be Hillary Clinton.

From a partisan political perspective, Al Gore's latest triumph will inevitably catapult him into the front of the pack of Democrats running in the 2008 presidential election sweepstakes.

Indeed, strategists working on Gore's behalf in Nashville, Tennessee, speaking on condition of anonymity, have disclosed Gore's major campaign theme.

Namely, "So, How Many Nobel Peace Prizes Has Hillary Won?"

You go, boy!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Shortage of Virgins in Islamic Heaven?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

As one who is fascinated by Islam, I admit to being confused when Muslim clerics warn other Muslims to vacate an area targeted for devastation by terrorists in the Islamofacist movement.

On the one hand, I appreciate the fact that clerics are kind enough to warn fellow terrorists of impending doom so that steps can be taken to avoid annihilation.

On the other hand, one of the more appealing aspects of Islam is the promise of 72 virgins commencing with one’s earthly death and ascension into Islamic heaven.

If that promise were true, why would any Muslim cleric worth his weight in IED devices “warn" brothers to leave?

It would seem to make better Muslim sense for clerics to keep that information under their turbans. That way, Muslim brothers fortunate enough to be caught up in the next attack could cash in on those carnal blessings promised in the Koran.

Perhaps there is another answer: Is there a shortfall of virgins in Islamic heaven?

Could it be that G.W. Bush and his coalition of infidels have created a virgin supply-demand imbalance by killing so many terrorists? An imbalance that is threatening to shut down the Virgin Redemption Center (VRC) in Islamic heaven?

What a pity that would be. All those horny Islamofascists robbed of their greatest incentive to murder and maim!

Monday, October 08, 2007

Can John Edwards End Poverty in America, As We Know It?

Destined to be converted to a "Edwards Poverty Eradication Center"?

By John W. Lillpop

Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards is quite right about poverty in America you know.

Poverty is immoral, un-American, unpatriotic, and probably unconstitutional and criminal, especially if a liberal is elected to the presidency in 2008.

And who better qualified to lead America out of the dark ages on this vital issue than John Edwards? After all, Edwards has been masterful in ending poverty--at least for himself, that is.

According to Ian Bishop in an article titled Estate of Denial in the New York Post, John Edwards is megarich, worth upwards of $30 million.

Bishop writes, "Edwards' posh estate is a work in progress, with a recently completed 10,700-square-foot main mansion as its centerpiece.

"The $3.1 million ritzy pad sports 10 rooms, 61/2 baths, two garages, a huge country kitchen with hardwood floors, and sweeping verandas to soak in the view of the verdant pasture.

"Two other residences - one for 22-year-old daughter Cate and one for visiting friends and family - are already under way, according to Orange County, N.C., property records. A two-story, 6,366-square-foot mini-mansion is about 70 percent complete."

New York Post:

With all those mansions and mansion-light properties in his wealth portfolio, Edwards is obviously uniquely qualified to address the concerns of those who eat dirt in order to find protein rich worms and who sleep in parks and junky old cars.

The solution to poverty, according to Edwards and other socialists of his ilk, is redistribution of wealth. Take from the rich and give to the poor, right John?

Why not start with ultra-rich people in North Carolina?

In fact, why don't you and Elizabeth move into a lovely tract home situated on 1/8th of an acre with a pad featuring 2 bedrooms, 1bath, 900 square feet, a one bicycle carport, and a panoramic view of poverty from your very own living room?

You know a starter home worth, say, $65,000?

What to do with all those mansions and properties y'all own, you ask?

No problem. Simply deed them, free and clear, to the great state of North Carolina for conversion into "Edwards Poverty Eradication Centers," named after the formerly rich John Edwards.

Having purged all signs of success and wealth from his own life, Edwards would be well positioned to challenge other ultra-rich politicians and public figures to do likewise.

People like Hillary and Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, Jay Rockefeller, Oprah Winfrey, George Soros, and most of Hollywood's biggest stars are filthy rich liberals.

Edwards could challenge all of these folks to forsake their wealth in the name of bleeding heart insanity.

In the past, mining the Catholic Church would have been another terrific way to steal riches from heathens in order to fund the poor. But, alas, the church has used most of its wealth to pay for child molestation and other sexual felonies by so-called priests.

Still, with slick promoters working on his behalf, John Edwards could easily become America's "Robin Hood" candidate. A well crafted media image could make Edwards into a sophisticated confederate on a mission to help the little guy; a progressive from the "New South."

I can already see the glittery two page spread in the New York Times with the bold title: John Edwards, Rebel WITH a Cause.

Of course there is a much easier, less painful way to eradicate poverty in America.

Namely, simply round up all illegal aliens and ship them back to Mexico.

Do that, and America will have far less poverty and far fewer people without health insurance.

A win-win for U.S. citizens.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Stocks Up, Hurricanes Down: Hail to the Chief?


By John W. Lillpop

While the mainstream media portray America as damn near uninhabitable because of President Bush, those who care should at least consider the “rest of the story” as Paul Harvey would say.

Under the leadership of George W. Bush, the American economy is flourishing. The stock market is setting new records on a daily basis, unemployment is at a level once considered “full employment,” families have more of their own money to spend on what they wish because of tax cuts, inflation is in check, and housing prices are moving from “extravagant exuberance” to more reasonable reflections of fair market value.

As for the global warming pandemic that Al Gore has worked tirelessly to create, the inconvenient fact is that that phenomenon, if it exists at all, is mostly attributable to hot air emitted by Gore and the legion of loony leftists who support the misguided former vice president.

And with just a month to go in the hurricane season, Gore and company are wringing their hands in angst. That is because the Democrats were expecting (hoping for) a non-stop assault on the U.S. mainland by Category 5 storms that could be blamed on environmental malfeasance by the Bush administration.

But to the dismay of the left, there have been zero—I said zero—Bush hurricanes to hit America in 2007.

Which means that liberals have lost another “issue” with which to hoodwink voters.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Harry Reid Takes On Broadcast Legend With Talent on Loan From God!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Say what you will about Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, one fact remains beyond dispute: The senator from Searchlight, Nevada has an uncanny ability to "connect the dots" in matters of grave national importance.

For instance, while most politicians were still debating about strategies for winning the war on terror in Iraq, Senator Reid took it on himself to sift through all of the details in order to find truth.

Based on an objective and disciplined review of all pertinent facts, Reid's scholarly work produced a finding that rocked U.S. military leaders, the commander-in-chief, and all those brave American men and women in harm's way on the ground in Iraq.

Reid's conclusion: The war is lost!

These days, most congress critters waste time worrying about Islamofacism, illegal immigration, solvency issues confronting social security and Medicare, global warming, and deterioration of the U.S. dollar.

Senator Reid, on the other hand, has the vision and intelligence to see through all that and focus on the real problem facing America in 2007.

Specifically, according to Reid, the United States Senate needs to concern itself with the broadcasting studios of EIB, where Rush Limbaugh uses a microphone and talent on loan from God to educate liberals.

And, according to Reid, to abuse the U.S. military.

The Hill:

Reid even went so far as to write Mark Mays, CEO of the network that runs the Limbaugh radio show. In a blistering letter lacking the tolerance one would expect from a deranged liberal renegade, Reid blasted El Rushbo and demanded that Mays force the talk show host to apologize.

“We trust you will agree that not a single one of our sons, daughters, neighbors and friends serving overseas is a ‘phony soldier,’ Reid advised Mays in an extraordinary attempt to silence America's most popular radio icon.

Harry Reid's meltdown confirms the awesome power and influence of Rush Limbaugh!

Think about it: For the past 40 years, the Democrat party has opposed the U.S. military and all efforts to establish a strong national defense, at every opportunity.

Even during time of war, Democrats have refused to support the commander-in-chief and have attempted to impose timelines and other conditions that would cripple America's ability to win the war.

Democrats have consistently derided and ridiculed U.S. military personnel, including their recent gang assault on General David Petraeus.

How ironic, then, that the party of white flags, surrender at all costs, and anti-American everything, has switched sides and is now advocating for American troops.

Well done, El Rushbo!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Are American Voters Obligated To Elect a Woman to the Presidency?

By John W. Lillpop

Now that Hillary Clinton is the presumptive favorite to become the presidential nominee of the Democrat Party in 2008, she and her Democrat colleagues must confront the fact that nearly 50 percent of voters are unfavorably disposed toward her candidacy.

Clinton and her team of political professionals will need to convert at least some of those voters in order for her campaign to have even a remote chance of succeeding.

Which is why feminists and those who advocate for Clinton are already playing the "Sexist" card in order to shame voters into electing a member of the weaker sex.

The idea is to convince voters that because a woman has never been elected to the presidency, We the People have violated the U.S. Constitutional promise of equal opportunity.

In effect, We the people have discriminated against one half of our population for being born female.

With a bit of luck and a few hundred million dollars in campaign funds dredged up from unsavory sources by Norman Hsu, the Democrats hope to convince people to vote for Hillary for one overwhelming reason: She is a woman.

Look to see blatantly sexist slogans like "After 230 Years, America Needs A Woman President," and "Bring America Into the 21st Century--Send a Woman to the White House!" to clog the airwaves, print media and broadband venues over the next fourteen months.

Mind you, I am not opposed to a woman serving as U.S. President.

However, when deciding which level to pull, or which Chad to hang, intelligent voters should avoid supporting a candidate solely on the basis of his or her gender. That is decidedly "old school!"

As we Americans have learned over the past six plus years, the world is incredibly complex and dangerous. We need a knowledgeable and credible chief executive to navigate the United States through the most difficult time in our nation's history.
Thus, before voting the prudent question should be "Who is the most qualified candidate?" Reproductive plumbing should be irrelevant.

In order to earn my vote, a candidate should reflect the following values, background and positions:

* High integrity and morals.

* Protector of traditional American family values.

* Knowledgeable of world affairs, leaders, and political nuances.

* Capable of earning the respect of American men and women in uniform and leading same as commander-in-chief.

* Dedicated to the national defense and homeland security.

* Patriotic, to a fault.

* An unabashed "America First" zealot.

* Obsessed with the rule of law, enforcement of all laws.

* Not smitten with the notion that he/she is above the law.

* Uses competence rather than diversity when making staffing decisions.

* Fiscally prudent. Believes in low taxes, small government.

* Strong proponent of American sovereignty, culture and language.

* Dedicated to ending and reversing illegal immigration.

With all of those attributes, or most of them, a candidate would be well equipped to serve America with honor and success--regardless of which sex one happened to be born into!

So the answer to my original question is: Having a woman president would be terrific, provided she possessed the capabilities and qualities needed to succeed in office AND provided that she was the most qualified candidate.

What could be more fair?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Homeless or Illegal? Need Free Health Care? Come To San Francisco!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

In a stunning victory for abandonment of personal responsibility and more government at all costs,last year the San Francisco Board of Supervisors voted unanimously to provide all City residents with free health care.

Mind you, The City is already home to thousands of homeless street people. Logically speaking, anything that would increase the number of uncouth folk who routinely urinate in public and pester tourists seems an odd way for a 'world class' city to behave.

But, this is San Francisco, the City That Knows How.

Or, used to.

In other startling news, the Supervisors apparently discovered an alaming shortfall of illegal aliens.

Because San Francisco's unwritten credo is Diversity Rules , the lack of a robust illegal alien constituency was seen as a serious flaw, nearly rising to the level of criminal negligence.

To fix this racism-based neglect, the new health care benefit will apply to ALL residents, without regard to immigration status.

How will all this be paid for?

Well, this IS liberal paradise, where the T word---taxes--- is king, or queen, to be more precise.

Employers and those with the unmitigated gall to earn a decent wage will be coughing up extra dollars to fund this latest surrender to socialsim.

But according to local media, everyone should celebrate a great day of accomplishment by The City's Best and Brightest.

And why not?

After all, these liberal fog-heads have done their utmost to drive away those institutions and individuals that provide jobs, make The City work and pay taxes.

To offset the loss of productive contributors, the Supervisors have issued a warm welcome to those dependent on public handouts, and who pay no taxes.

Longtime local columnist Herb Cain, now deceased, once called San Francisco "Baghdad by the Bay."

To be brutally honest, these days even Baghdad seems more sane than The City.