satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Why Limit Reparations to Blacks, Native Americans?

Satire By John Lillpop

In his drive to lock up the black and Native American voting blocs for November, Barack Obama recently advised people in those groups that they deserve much more than words of apology.

The candidate did so by saying, in part, "I consistently believe that.... the most important thing for the U.S. government to do is not just offer words, but offer deeds."


To those not yet conversant in Obamaease, "deeds" means cold hard cash, as in reparations.

Given Obama's overwhelming generosity when it comes to giving away other people's treasure, one wonders why he limited his socialist scheme to blacks and native Americans?

After all, there must be tens of millions of reparations-worthy folk who could be tempted to Vote Obama, provided that the right financial incentives were on the table.

For example, what about Mexicans, both those living here and in Mexico?

Angry white folks stole land rightfully belonging to Mexico more than 150 years ago. Never mind that Mexicans stole the land from Native Americans, the fact is that angry whites conquered the land, established English as the native tongue, and treated Mexicans so poorly that only about 40 million or so have even bothered to come back as illegal aliens!

The devastation to the self-esteem of Mexicans has been enormous.

Think about it: If the "manifest destiny" pursued by white dudes had petered out, say, in Ohio, today the nation of Mexico would be the technology, financial, military, and cultural capitol of the world.

As it is, because land-hungry Caucasians marched relentlessly from sea to shining sea, Mexico has been relegated to a third-world player known mostly for exporting illiterate peasants and salmonella-tainted peppers!

The utter humiliation of being recognized as a Mexican in today's high-technology, sophisticated world should entitle all persons so victimized to free education, health care, housing, and food, or roughly the equivalent of the McCain-Kennedy amnesty debacle from last summer, courtesy of American taxpayers, of course.

Team Obama has recently committed $20 million in campaign funds to reach out to Latino voters. A far more effective and less expensive (for Obama) alternative would be to promise reparations for all Mexicans on both sides of the border!

Then we have the British.

Yes, I know the Brits are wonky, imperialist Caucasians themselves.

However, in the interest of fairness, Obama should consider the irreparable damage done to the British Empire by that band of angry white men in the 1770s.

You know, Barack, those American rebels who mucked up the world with radical concepts like independence, democracy, freedom, equality, and other contemptuous notions aimed squarely at British Royalty.

Losing their American colony to folks like George Washington, Paul Revere, Thomas Jefferson and other American scalawags devastated the British and eventually cost royalty its preeminence around the globe.

Therefore, Americans must be held accountable for ripping off King George III and the kings and queens that followed. No less than a few trillion dollars should be committed in reparations to the Queen, her mum, and all British subjects deemed reparations-worthy by the ACLU and the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco.

Finally, in the unlikely event that there is a single dime that has not been shipped off to compensate those who have suffered real or imagined abuse at the hands of angry white Americans, Team Obama could look into reparations for the original African ancestors of notable Americans like Oprah Winfrey, Tiger Woods, Michael Jackson, Barry Bonds, and other superstars in the NBA, the NFL and major league baseball.

Africa has seen many of its talented sons and daughters exploited in order to entertain rich white Americans while devastating Africa's professional basketball, golf, baseball, football, acting, and music industries.

For those crimes, someone should pay. And according to Barack Obama, that "someone" should be American taxpayers!

* WND:

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

W Uses Pully Bulpit to Promote Obamamania

By John W. Lillpop


In their worse nightmares, John McCain and the Republican Party could not have imagined the doomsday scenario being played out at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

The current resident, a lame duck hawk, was given a six-month "Notice to Vacate" on Sunday, which means that he will not be around to muck up the works next January 20.

Although his days as the most powerful man in the world are quickly dwindling, George W. Bush is still driving hard for a legacy. His pursuit may end up costing John McCain the presidency.

W's backsliding began when his administration decided to Obamacize the Iran issue, which means that Bush flip-flopped by agreeing to meet with the terrorist state sans any preconditions.

Strike one!

Next up, time lines, the Holy Grail of the Bush war policy in Iraq. On this one, conservatives thought there was no way W would cave in.

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall at McCain headquarters when it became known that W decided that a "Time Horizon" might work in Iraq.

Never mind that no one, least of all George W. Bush, knows what the hell "Time Horizon" means.

The point is that once again Bush pulled the rug out from under the presumptive Republican nominee, leaving John McCain with Obamamania on his face.

Strike two!

What next? A Bush endorsement of Obama?

That may sound ludicrous, but legacy trolling is a brutal game especially when the legacy seeker is a dyslexic lame duck whose conservative credentials have always been suspect to begin with!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Why the New York Times Rejected John McCain's Op-Ed

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Just what is it with Op-Ed editor David Shipley at the New York Times?

How can an objective editor at a major metropolitan newspaper reject an Op-Ed submitted by the presumptive presidential nominee of the Republican Party? Especially since the NYT recently published a piece by McCain's Democrat opponent?

Where in the hell is appropriate respect for the "Fairness Doctrine," Mr. Shipley?

By the grace of God, we were able to hack into Shipley's "Rejected" file on his laptop and uncover his critical notes backing up the McCain turn down.

The Shipley notes:

Memo to File:

Reviewed and rejected John McCain's editorial titled, 'My Plan for Iraq' based on the following professional objections:

1. Plagiarism. Although we have not yet located the exact speech, it is obvious that McCain has simply found an old George W. Bush, cleaned up the mangled grammar, and claimed the words and ideas as his own.

Besides being unethical, McCain's "speech" is more of the same old tired Bush prattle that got the US into the quagmire in Iraq.

2. Consistency: Unlike Senator Obama, McCain reiterates the same position on Iraq throughout his Op-Ed. No flip-flops are bad form, dull.

Shows lack of imagination, and is clearly a racist attempt to put down the next president of the United States.

3. Too pro-American, sugarcoated, patriotic. Needs to appeal to all NYT editors and readers, most of who hate America and want Islamofascists to win the WOT.

4. Time lines missing. Need firm time lines showing absolute withdrawal of US troops within sixteen months, max. Without timelines, zero credibility.

5. Fails to mention that George W. Bush is an incompetent fool. As Speaker Pelosi has so eloquently stated, W is a total failure.

All Op-Eds must have at least two zingers bitchslapping W, the most dangerous terrorist ever to occupy the planet.

6. Relies too heavily on warmongers like General David Petreaus for war strategy and plans. Needs input from anti-war intellectuals like Cindy Sheehan, Harry Reid, and John Murtha.

Balance, balance, balance! And finally,

7. Critical of Barack Obama, presumptive 44th president of the United States. Smacks of racism and anti-black bigotry.


Note to Secretary: Please e-mail rejection notice to McCain campaign including an invitation to resubmit this right wing diatribe if they so desire.

Then please block McCain's e-mail from making it into my inbox. Have all McCain e-mails deleted upon receipt and reported as spam. DS

Friday, July 18, 2008

Is Barack Obama the Dreaded Anti-Christ?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Barack Obama seems to have set the world on fire with his brilliant intelligence, captivating charm, inspiring oratory, and charisma.

By sheer coincidence (?), Obama seems to possess many of the traits attributed to the anti-Christ by those who research and analyze such things.

In particular, the following attributes, culled from a non-political source *, seem to match Obama quite well. (Attributes listed on the site that do not seem to match Obama are not shown below.)

Note: The site referenced does NOT state or infer that Obama is the anti-Christ, nor does it imply that the senator might devolve into said rascal at some future date. In fact, Obama's name is not even mentioned.

Still, the match is striking.

According to the referenced site, the anti-Christ will among other things:

Rise from a sub-national leadership position

Community coordinator in Illinois?

Have powerful supporters helping him rise to power

Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffet, George Soros, Bill and Hillary Clinton, most members of the Kennedy clan, and approximately 99 percent of the African American population stand behind Obama.

A most powerful team!

Be shrewd, cunning, deceitful, and skilled in intrigue

Obama is even more: He is clean and articulate!

Be generally different or unique amongst politicians

His racial profile makes this a perfect match.

Be a great unifier who appeals to people across traditional lines

Even some conservatives are buying into Obama's act!

Be a Christian, at least by appearances

Notwithstanding Pastor Jeremiah Wright, Obama claims to be a Christian.

Be preceded by an aggressive warmonger who will forcefully depose two Middle Eastern governments

Even liberals with see the match with this one!

Arise from a great nation with unrivaled wealth and power

That just happens to be the good old United States of America, mates!

Perhaps all of this IS sheer coincidence.

Still, in my view, Obama bears careful watching, especially if he starts stamping 666 on the foreheads of adoring masses!


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Of Bank Runs, FDIC Insurance Limits, and Being Underfunded!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Until quite recently, the advantages of being underfunded (poor) were under appreciated in these quarters. To me, poor has always meant less material goods, less influence, less party time, less everything.

Which is not cool by any standards.

But then a funny thing happened on the way to the food line the other day.

Senator Charles Schumer (D-New York) shouted "Bank Failure" at the top of his socialist lungs while standing in line at mortgage giant IndyMac. Apparently, IndyMac has its stirrups entangled in some shady loans and, perhaps, some good old-fashioned fraud, and Schumer was being a good soldier by playing town crier.

Or should that be village idiot?

In any event, alerted to the deteriorating conditions at IndyMac, the federal government arrived in Pasadena last Friday to take over the joint and calm the unease that crazy Charles had unleashed.

Of course, cynics will immediately spot the insanity in all this.

How in the hell are bureaucrats from the federal government, which is trillions of dollars in debt, and ringing up hundreds of billions of additional debt each year, going to help? What in the world do these freaks know about fiscal responsibility and frugality?

Nonetheless, the fed took over the reigns at IndyMac and immediately strutted their stuff by renaming the bank. It's now Indymac Federal Bank, a much safer and more secure handle for an institution that handles scores of billions of deposits by unwashed masses.

Somehow, the new name and the knowledge that the federal government had taken over did little to quell the angst of IndyMac customers.

Quite the opposite, in fact, as the fed takeover precipitated a major run on IndyMac Federal Bank, with some customers arriving as early as 1:00 AM and camping out overnight in order to withdraw their assets before loony bureaucrats could give their money away to illegal aliens, homeless beggars, or scalawags like Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger who continues his urgent search to find $16 billion with which to balance the state budget.

Particularly vulnerable among IndyMac Federal Bank clientele were well-heeled blokes with more than $100,000 on deposit, the maximum amount covered by FDIC insurance.

Pity the poor devil with $110,000 in an IndyMac savings account. Such a chap or chapess had to endure the indignity and outrage of sleeping on the ground overnight just for ten thousand dollars.

What has our once great nation come to?

In my case, the IndyMac Federal Bank run finally gave me a reason, albeit a meager one, to appreciate my poverty ever so slightly

Namely, there was absolutely zero reason for me to get out of bed at midnight to begin an overnight vigil at IndyMac Federal Bank.

Instead, I slept in until noon, and then went on-line to verify that the fed had not plundered that small fortune in my vacation savings account which, as it turns out, will not be wasted in decadent frivolity in Honolulu on New Years Eve, but will instead be used to fill my jalopy with the best gallon of gasoline that $5.00 can buy!

All of which goes to prove that the quip attributed to Mae West, "I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is better!" may be vastly overrated!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Nancy Pelosi's "New Day In America" Earns Single Digit Approval!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has spent the past 18 months working overtime to accomplish several major liberal objectives:

* Bring American troops home by surrendering to Al-Queda forces in Iraq;

* Dismantle all domestic intelligence gathering capability established by the Bush Administration to fight the war on terror;

* Further the Bush legacy of reckless and irresponsible spending, and

* Disenfranchise patriotic American citizens to make room and time for invading illegal aliens.

Although Pelosi is not particularly bright, she has been diligent about pursuing these objectives and has gained a measure of success.

Unfortunately for the bug-eyed air head from San Francisco, rampant liberalism is NOT what most Americans want.

Which explains why the United States Congress has reached an all time low in polling among voters. According to the most recent Rasmussen Report, only nine percent (9%) of voters approve of the job that Congress is doing.


When asked to explain the awful showing among voters, Speaker Pelosi mentioned that she, too, is concerned about how Congress is performing. Pelosi urged voters not to be too harsh on Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, reminding us that "Harry is doing the best he can for a man his age and with his limited skills set."

The big question: Who are the dunderheads in that nine percent that think Pelosi and Reid are performing well?

Monday, July 07, 2008

Bush's Yellow Cake Birthday Surprise!

By John W. Lillpop

George W. Bush celebrated his final birthday in the White House with a flourish of redemptive news from Iraq: Because the "surge" is working so marvelously, Coalition forces have just about finished the banishment of Al-Quaeda back to their caves of origin, horns firmly tucked between their legs.

It gets even better! Despite the mockery and "Bush Lied" mantra of demented leftists, it turns out that Iraq did have enormous stockpiles of yellow cake.

This news is absolutely spectacular because it sends to the toilet claims made by Joe Wilson, Valerie Phlame, and other lefty screwballs that would have the world believe that Saddam Hussein was a misunderstood Red Cross volunteer victimized by an out-of-control Texan with a drink problem.

Although there is no "reliable source" to quote on the yellow cake shocker, there is the Associated Press which, despite being a wing of the DNC, nevertheless reported the following:

"The last major remnant of Saddam Hussein's nuclear program - a huge stockpile of concentrated natural uranium - reached a Canadian port Saturday to complete a secret U.S. operation that included a two-week airlift from Baghdad and a ship voyage crossing two oceans.

"The removal of 550 metric tons of "yellow cake" - the seed material for higher-grade nuclear enrichment - was a significant step toward closing the books on Saddam's nuclear legacy. It also brought relief to U.S. and Iraqi authorities who had worried the cache would reach insurgents or smugglers crossing to Iran to aid its nuclear ambitions."

Seattle PI:

How about that as a fitting gift for a sixty-two year old geezer with an IQ slightly below that of radioactive dust?

Happy Birthday, W!

Sunday, July 06, 2008

It's the SUPPLY, Stupid!

By John W. Lillpop

With all due respect to the Democrat Party and RINOs. the energy "crisis" cannot be solved by sticking one's head in the sand and pretending that the automobile is a right-wing fad that will die out once Americans discover the incredible joy of mass transit and walking.

Further, the following "solutions" are NOT solutions at all:

* Raising federal, tax, and local taxes on gas;

* Forcing Americans out of their automobiles;

* Lowering the speed limit to 55 mph;

*Outlawing SUVs, Hummers, and other Luxury vehicles in America;

*Bombing automobile factories in India and China;

* Bringing the troops home from Iraq so as to divert one half trillion dollars to research Polar bear urine as an alternative energy source.

While each of the above may have had merit 80 years ago, none is practical in 21st century America.

Again, the solution is to drill. drill, drill, and drill! And go nuclear! And add refining capacity!

In other words, it's the supply stupid!

Friday, July 04, 2008

Obama Finds God: Daily Kos, Far Left Not Amused!

By John W. Lillpop

In another monumental departure from the mental disorder known as liberalism, Barack Obama has seen the light and is ready to embrace God, and or Allah, as an integral part of his campaign for the Oval Office.

This dilly is sure to send retards at Daily KOs and Moveon.orgy into self-administered (and illegal) drug therapy.

So, if elected, not only will Obama not dismantle President Bush's program for supporting faith-based initiatives, but now the flaky Democrat has pledged to expand the God thing.

With this latest change of heart, Obama has once again abandoned the far left and its kooky communist atheist agenda.

Now the big question is: Who is going to take the lead in amending the US Constitution to remove all that verbiage about "separation of church and state" in order to conform to Obama's latest fancy?

Say what? No amendment is required since there is nothing in the Constitution about separation of church and state to begin with?

Praise be to Allah!

Ta-Ta to the $5.00 Latte!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

It had to happen soon or latter. Eventually, intelligent Americans were bound to revolt against shelling out $5.00 for a cup of Java while also paying $5.00 for a gallon of regular petro.

Something had to go, and for many Americans it was the overpriced $5.00 Latte that proved most expendable.

As a result, Starbucks, purveyor of anti-God and other offensive left-wing propaganda on its coffee mugs, has announced that the firm will not close 100 stores as previously reported.

Rather, the Seattle, Washington based Starbucks will close 600 stores and wipe out 12,000 jobs.

According to the Associated Press, "Starbucks is closing 19 percent of all U.S. company-operated stores that opened in the last two years, chief financial officer Pete Bocian said. O'Neil said most employees would be moved to nearby stores, but she did not know exactly how many jobs would be lost. Starbucks estimated $8 million in severance costs. In total, the company forecast up to $348 million in charges related to the closures, $200 million to be booked in the fiscal third quarter ended June 30. Starbucks reports third-quarter results at the end of July."


One remaining kerfuffel faces the bosses at Starbucks: What to do with all those hateful mugs?

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Watermelon: Modern Day Love Potion?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Modern medicine has blessed mankind (and indirectly, womankind) with the miracle of Viagara, a costly but effective solution to "Missile Fizzle," euphemistically known as erectile dysfunction (ED).

Although Viagara is as manna from Heaven to those who suffer the withering effects of ED, medicine appears to have stumbled on a relatively inexpensive alternative that could revolutionize courtship, mating, and, in more severe instances, love itself.

Specifically, scientists in Lubbock, Texas report that a slice of cold watermelon can have almost the same effect on one's sexual "readiness to serve" as Viagara!

Before delving into the details of watermelon as the cure all for those unable to rise to the occasion in life's most intimate moments, one should pause to ask, "What sort of perverted scientist would waste laboratory time speculating about the aphrodisiac qualities of watermelon?"

How is it that this hypothesis was even posed in the first place?

Perhaps some cross eyed nerd in a lab coat and face mask too tightly bound to his cranium allowed his fertile mind to wander a bit too much.

If so, he most likely asked himself, "Would watermelon improve the statistical probability of me being able to perform like a stud, instead of a dud, when it comes to intercourse? At a 95 percent confidence level with all "outliers" removed or accounted for?"

Thus was born a federal grant authorized by the FDA for a research project lasting five years and costing taxpayers $10 billion, not including abortion or delivery costs resulting from overly productive experiments!

Watermelon as a love potion will surely change most aspects of romance.

On Valentine's Day, for instance, amorous-minded males might eschew the traditional gift of chocolates and red roses, and instead bring their fair maiden a slice of cold watermelon and two forks.

Or, in the case of men over 55, two slices of watermelon and one fork, kept securely tucked away in his locked attaché case.

Taking the object of one's affection out to an expensive five star restaurant for a $200 prime rib dinner could become foolish and "old school" if a $3.50 slice of watermelon could accomplish the same result in one's apartment!

The only potential drawback would be awkward moments during a first date. How to explain those cold watermelons rolling around on the floor between the driver and passenger seats in one's convertible Mustang?

Still, the really skilled man will be able to convince his maiden to fetch the watermelon for him. The only question that a properly trained woman should have is, "Seedless or not, love?"

Some women, like the feminist fascists portrayed in the book, "She Inc." authored by Kenneth J. Gross, will resist fetching watermelons for their men.

Fret not, my male comrades: Without exception, all such women are not worth a slice of valuable watermelon rind anyhow!


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Rush Rocks to the Tune of $400,000,000.00!

By John W. Lillpop

American super-patriot Rush Limbaugh has proven the superior value of conservative talk by landing a $400 million dollar ($400,000,000.00) contract that will keep the unvarnished truth on the radio airwaves through 2016.

With this latest salary surge, El Rushbo's yearly income now exceeds the salaries of network news anchors Katie Couric, Brian Williams, Charlie Gibson, and Diane Sawyer-- combined!

Having "Talent on Loan from God," has been an enormous asset for Limbaugh who makes talk radio and entertainment sound easy.

To the contrary, however, talk radio is anything but easy, as leftist dim wit Al Franken can attest.

Franken, who once authored a book titled, Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations, has parlayed cocaine, pornography, and tax evasion into a stunning failure at Air America.

Based on news accounts of Limbaugh's new contract, Franken is considering a re-write of his anti-Rush drivel which will be titled, "Rush Limbaugh Is a Billionaire, and God How I Hate and Envy Him!"

Tough tilly, Al.

If elected, perhaps you should introduce legislation making it unlawful for private corporations to discriminate against less talented liberals, like yourself?

Call it the "The Removal of Successful Conservative Broadcasters from Publicly Held Airwaves and Preservation of Liberal Talk through a Fairness Doctrine Act of 2009."

A bit wordy, yes, but spot on in identifying the misery and torment that El Rushbo inflicts on deserving liberals!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Taking a Bite Out of Crime!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Having spent tens of thousands of dollars over the years for dental care, I have reached the point where I am ready to protest by shouting, Enough is Enough!

Despite donating all that money to the wealth and luxury living of my dentist, my front teeth are stained by a brownish-yellow hue, perfect for a bloke content with making a living as the "Before" model in an ad to promote tartar removing tooth paste.

Mind you, I do not smoke or drink, except when trying to figure out how to pay the latest bill from my dentist. That is when several double shots of cognac, taken with the unimpeded flow of full-strength Nitrous Oxide for an hour or so really hits the spot!

Of course, the "whitening" procedure is always an option, provided one has a few superfluous thousand-dollar bills cluttering up one's wall safe or bank deposit box. If not, the next best choice is to smile sparingly, which is becoming easier and easier now that Democrats hold majorities in both chambers of Congress and two far left socialists are running for president.

All my misgivings about dentists notwithstanding, I do make it a point to subject myself to an annual dental examination. I do so just to stay abreast of my dying teeth and the various and sundry bridges, fillings, and other dental "necessities" installed to assure a robust Return on Investment for my dentist.

Every year the story is the same: Go for my annual examination and, when the results are in, cancel all vacation and pleasure outings for the year in order to pay the damned dentist!

This year I decided to do things a little differently: I bribed the night janitor to let me take a peek at my file just to see what was actually being recorded about me and my decadent mouth by my so-called dental care professional.

Here is how my dentist documented my examination, by tooth number:

# 7: Re-carpet family room

#12: Julie's abortion

# 32: Next year--Plasma TV for 2009 Jaguar

The not so good doc summarized the mess with this dilly:

Mr. Lillpop's overall dental health continues to deteriorate significantly from one year to the next. With a bit of good luck, we should be able to get Paul through Stanford before patient Lillpop dies or runs out of money.

Receptionist note: My brother Axel is a loan broker--give patient Lillpop Axel's name and number. If all goes well, Lillpop will need a Home Equity Line of Credit to pay for my services next year. Also, ask bro about my referral fee.

Well, that does it! No more dentists for me. I am going to yank all of my teeth in one grand gesture and buy false teeth.

No more brushing! Or flossing! Or cleaning! Or insurance claim rejections!

False teeth: Taking a bite out of the crime called professional dentistry!