satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Gasoline Rationing in Iran? How SWEET It Is!

By John W. Lillpop

While President Bush and like minded evil doers in the United States Senate work overtime to obviate the rule of law in order to appease 12-30 million illegal aliens, there ARE other news items worthy of mention.

One of the most uplifting stories comes from Tehran, Iran, where it is reported that because of limited refining capacity, the government has decided to ration the amount of gasoline available to private vehicles.

Limited refining capacity? Iran sits on some of the largest and most valuable oil reserves in the world, and cannot meet its own gasoline needs?

My first thought upon hearing this great news: There IS a God, and He is on our side!

My second thought: How SWEET the irony!

To be perfectly honest, it sounds as though Iran is suffering from the same sort of myopic vision and self-defeating idiocy that Democrats have used to destroy energy independence here in the U.S!

Since when have the likes of Al Gore, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid managed to infiltrate the Iranian government and influence energy policy?

Must be that God fellow again!

As would be expected, average Iranians are not amused by the gasoline rationing kerfuffel.

Armed with torches, stones, and other instruments of free speech common to "Religion of Peace" devotees, irate Iranians took to the streets to express their displeasure generally and with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad specifically.


What a pity things are just not working out for Mahmoud.

Perhaps the goofy Islamofascist should abandon all that inflammatory rhetoric about destroying Israel, and concentrate instead on domestic issues more germane to Iran's economy and well being.

Like installing additional refining capacity, for heaven's sake.

As one who specializies in the science of Complex Problem Solving, it seems to me as though America's illegal alien problem and Iran's refining capacity issue could be solved with a creative bit of "triangulation diplomacy."

Herewith the Lillpop strategery: Ship several million illegal aliens from California to Iran to work as refinery laborers. Give them Halliburton employee badges and tell them to report to Ahmadinejad for free health care, food stamps, housing, education, and welfare.

Warn the illegal aliens that all conversations must be in Arabic, Friday afternoon is officially reserved for mosque attendance, there is no "Miller Time," tacos and burritos have never been heard of, and defacing the body with tattoos is a felony punishable by being stoned to death!

How's that for a "win-win"?

My bet is that once word about my plan leaks out, illegal aliens will decide that Mexico is not so bad after all and that going back there, and pronto, makes perfect sense!

One thing is certain: The Lillpop Plan makes about as much sense as the foolish amnesty bill now before congress!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

There Ain't No ~ In San Hose, Mate!

By John W. Lillpop

Living here in San Hose, California can cause a serious challenge to one's sanity, especially to those of us determined to preserve American history, culture, and language.

Of course, liberals scoff at the notion that good old-fashioned American values are worth preserving. In the mind of the average liberal, America is great only because of random luck or serendipity, and not because of cultural excellence.

Which explains why liberals are so desperate to push multiculturalism, bilingual education, and diversity down the throats of the American people. Leftists simply do not believe in the inherent superiority of our values and way of life.

But American culture is why the U.S. is number 1 in technology, innovation, education, standard of living, religious freedom, war making capability, and fast food efficiency.

Granted, multiculturalism and other socialist double talk may be of value to those raised in lesser cultures.

But when you are as good as we are, you don't need no stinkin' diversity!

Yet every once in a while, a cultural misfit crashes the scene and imposes some
arcane tradition on what is otherwise the most enlightened and sophisticated culture in recorded human history.

Such is the case with the ~.

Because of the influx of illegal aliens, that damned ~ is cropping up everywhere here in San Hose.

San Jose~ Welfare Services, San Jose~ Center for Identity Fraud, San Jose~ ACLU, and other services intended for illegal aliens are identified with the ~ marking. Its ~ this, and ~ that!, everywhere!

But the ~ trend is very denigrating to American culture, and is an insult to gringos and crackers everywhere.

As one who seldom accepts anything at face value, I recently decided to fight back against the ~ atrocity.

I did so by changing all of my personal stationery, checks, return address labels, e-mail accounts, and bank records so that my address is listed as: San Hose, California.

When asked about the bastardized spelling by banks and retailers, I simply grin and reply, "There ain't no ~ in Hose, mate!"

John W. Lillpop
San Hose Ca

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Should W Consider Early Retirement? In Mexico?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Given W's untreatable Mexican fetish, it may be prudent to simply shove him out of Air Force One, swaddled in a golden parachute, somewhere over Mexico City.

Remember that the man is nearly 61 years old, and is obviously growing weary and older by the minute. Burned out seems an appropriate diagnosis.

And why shouldn't he be burned out?

After all, working 24/7 to help millions of illiterate peasants invade America is hard work that would wear anyone out!

Even more taxing: Trying to convince non-retarded Americans that the invasion is good for the U.S. economy.

Still even more taxing: Selling the notion that granting amnesty and a path to citizenship to criminals is vital to the national interest.

Just keeping a straight face while delivering that snake oil pitch day after day would be enough to drive most people into mental meltdown.

One wonders: Is that where our president and Mexico's most powerful insider mole is headed?

Some of W's recent pronouncements seem to confirm that his mental stability is "borderline," to say the least:

In April, W roared that amnesty is needed to take pressure off the borders! 12-30 million illegal aliens in our midst and there is too much pressure on the borders?

In May, W said that the amnesty bill before the senate would restore rule of law.

Really? That is almost like saying, "America is governed by the rule of law, except when inconvenient to large corporations and elitists. In which case, congress and the president will simply change the law to legalize what had been illegal, thereby acquitting those guilty of behavior once considered unlawful."

Using the same logic, perhaps we should work to end the crime of armed bank robbery by simply expunging laws that make it unlawful to rob banks?

It was also in May that W appointed a war czar to take over the messes he has created in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as any other wars he might fancy between now and January 20, 2009.

While he was at it, one wonders why W did not appoint a border czar to shut down the borders and begin deportations?

Or is that Michael Chertoff's responsibility when he is not busy campaigning for amnesty or auditioning for acting roles as The Anti-Christ?

In June, W declared that he will throw an extra $4.4 billion dollars at border security, if only the senate will reconsider S 1348.

This dilly begs the obvious question: If $4.4 billion will make America safer and is vital to homeland security, why has W not acted sooner?

Like September 12, 2001, just to pick a random date out of the air?

Clearly, W is struggling to keep track of his missteps and dances around the truth. He seems to be losing that battle, and needs a long, long, stress free vacation.

We the American people also need a rest. We are BUSHed, to put it mildly.

And other than Bush 41 and his sidekick, Moms Bush, who honestly believes that America can survive another 18 months of the W "Presidency and Legacy Building Enterprise?"

Perhaps a few patriotic Republicans should quietly visit the Oval Office and convince W to hang up his pilot's helmet and take early retirement.

Offer him an attractive golden parachute package and a luxurious villa in Mexico, and W might just take the bait.

Dropping W on the Mexican side of the border would serve other purposes:

Americans would exact a measure of revenge against Mexico for dumping millions of illegal aliens on the American side of the border, and

Best of all, America would have one less English-challenged amnesty crusader to deal with!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Of Barry Bonds, Cell Phones, and Asterisks

By John W. Lillpop

Barry Bonds now has 748 career home runs, just seven short of tying and eight short of passing Hank Aaron. But Bonds' future may be filled with more than just hero worship from adoring fans.

Assuming that Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig is able to tear himself away from used lemon sales long enough to feign real concern about the greatest game ever played, the following scenario seems quite likely for Barry Bonds, AKA the Sullen One.

It is Spring, 2012. Five years have passed since Commissioner Bud Selig ended the career of Barry Bonds after the slugger was indicted for perjury and tax evasion.

This is the first year in which Bonds is eligible for induction into the baseball Hall of Fame.

Sportswriters are debating whether or not Bonds' convictions on those federal charges should prevent him from entering baseball's highly coveted museum of greatness.

Bonds' single-season and career home run records have been asterisked by Commissioner Selig, but admission to the Hall of Fame has been left in the capable, if shaky, hands of America's sports writers.

Meanwhile, in Leavenworth, Kansas, The Prison Dawg's clean-up hitter, and single-term home run leader, sits anxiously beside his cell phone, in Cell 25.

Barry Bonds, Prisoner Number 007, hopes his reputation as a media-friendly, warm and congenial superstar will carry him over the top, and into Cooperstown on the first ballot.

Bonds grows edgy as he awaits that "Big Call" from the Hall of Fame.

At the end of the day, Bonds must confront the brutal truth: He will NOT be in the Hall of Fame, at least not this year. His only hope is to wish for better luck next year.

Meanwhile, Barry Bonds will just have to sit on his asterisk for another year in Cell 25.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Friday, June 15, 2007

America Needs President Hillary Clinton

Satire by John W. Lillpop

With the possible exception of blaspheming the Holy Ghost, the most egregious sin a conservative can commit is to knowingly express anything positive about the junior senator from New York, Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Or to be more precise and less politically correct, Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton.

However, egregious sin is actually my favorite summer pastime. So herewith, an endorsement of the unlovable Lady Clinton.

Mind you, I descend into Satan’s domain with eyes wide open, knowing that my license to practice hate mongering in the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy may be irreversibly revoked.

El Rushbo, Michael Savage, and Sean Hannity will no longer accept my collect calls.

But, alas, the pilgrim's path in never easy.

Let's face it, troops. George W. Bush is not Ronald Reagan, nor even George H. Bush for that matter.

A man claiming to be conservative has duped us.

He is a president who has presided over an unprecedented expansion of government and federal spending. Who has cavorted with the devil--AKA Teddy Kennedy--in No Child Left Behind; who speaks Spanish, but seems completely incapable of coherent English.

How can it possibly get worse?

In fact, assuming Republicans regain control of Congress, President Hillary Clinton could be a dramatic improvement.

You say what, Mr. Lillwhatever Pop?

For starters, conservatives would be emancipated from supporting a Republican-President-in-Name-Only (RPINO) who clearly regards fiscal responsibility and other basic conservative solutions as old hat, not cool.

Secondly, those wonderful conservative instincts that have served America so very well in the past would return to the GOP with a flourish if there were a President Hillary Clinton to battle with.

Consider the following:

How would a Republican Congress deal with a new entitlement program costing ten trillion dollars, if proposed by President Hillary Clinton?

Would a GOP Congress allow the national debt to grow wildly out of control, to the detriment of untold numbers of future generations, if a liberal Democrat were president?

What if Madam President refused to secure our borders in time of war, and had the gall to propose amnesty for 12-30 million illegal aliens?

Or what if she remained silent while the Mexican military escorted drug smugglers across the border into America?

What if President Hillary Clinton proposed to sell management of U.S. port security to an Arab nation with known links to terrorists?

Such situations emanating from a Hillary Clinton administration would rally Republicans to take immediate action, concerning themselves only with doing that which is in the best interests of the American people.

For those who may have lost sight of a simple truth, doing what is best for America means sticking to conservative values.
There would be other advantages as well.

President Hillary Clinton and Slick Willie might bring back some of that taxpayer-owned china and other booty pinched from the White House in late January, 2001.

Said booty would once again be on property owned by the people, until at least 2012 or 2016. That would be a good thing.

And with Slick Willie free to run wild in the Oval Office and adjoining back room again, there would surely be three or four sex scandals a year to investigate, providing unlimited blogging material for those of us who blog to the right (far?) of center.

Slick might even use all that sophisticated domestic spying apparatus at the White House to eavesdrop on lonely bimbos in Arkansas or Pakistan. He might even persuade Lady Clinton to do likewise, creating a perfect impeachable scenario for Republicans to adjudicate.

That would mean even more great blogging material for us right-wing nutcases.

All of which is why, as of this moment, I am almost convinced that a vote for Hillary is the most patriotic thing one can do in 2008!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Dubya Calls Pope "Holy Pontificator"

Satire By John Lillpop

Greeting the pope in Vatican City is a high privilege and distinct honor. Catholics believe that the pope is the head of the Christian church and represents Christ Himself here on earth.

Those fortunate enough to meet personally with the pope are obligated to follow certain protocol, including the title used to address the pontiff.

The customary greeting is "His Holiness" in honor of the pope's high place in Christian hierarchy.

Unfortunately, our Dubya got his words confused and called the pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI, "Mr. Pontificator" in the Vatican on Saturday.

Actually, it was not quite that bad, but Bush did ruffle a few feathers when he called the pope "sir" rather than His Holiness. See the article below.


Contrary to Bush bashing leftists in the media, Bush did not ask to meet the Cardinals in order to get in some scouting for the Texas Rangers baseball team during his spare time!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Dubya Suffers Upset Stomach at G8: Amnesty Crow?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Breaking news from Europe indicates that an upset stomach caused President Bush to miss several important meetings and events at the G8 summit in Europe.


Although no official announcement has been made by the White House, speculation is focused on three recent events back home that appear to have upset Dubya's delicate tummy.

Specifically, the president is said to be bothered by:

() The Paris Hilton crisis,

() Collapse of the bipartisan amnesty agreement in the U.S. Senate, and

() Dick Cheney's wonky heart defibrillator, and the possibility that Speaker Pelosi might move into the VP's office.

A team of top-notch constitutional lawyers is reportedly meeting with the president to discuss procedures for invoking the National Security Presidential Directive issued by the president on May 9 of this year.

Under the terms of that directive, the president may declare a national emergency and, having done so, may take whatever action he deems necessary to deal with the national crisis, without congressional or judicial oversight.

A rough draft of the presidential decree has been leaked to the press and reads as follows:

"In accordance with the powers vested in me, by me, in the National Security Presidential Directive dated May 9, 2007, I hereby declare a national emergency and order the following actions to be implemented immediately:

* Paris Hilton is hereby pardoned for all past, present, and future violations of local, state, and federal statutes, including all felonies and misdemeanors.

* All illegal aliens currently in America are hereby pardoned and set free to do work that Americans will not do, and

* The Presidential Succession Act of 1947, executed by President Harry S. Truman, provides that the Speaker of the House shall be second in the line of succession to the presidency. That Act is hereby rendered null and void.

In conjunction with the above steps, I hereby designate Harriet Miers of Texas to replace the Speaker of the House in the presidential line of succession.

This precautionary measure is taken to assure continuity of competent government in the unlikely event that Vice President Cheney and your president are both unable to serve at the same time.

These are dangerous and difficult times for Americans. But we Americans have always met our challenges head on.

I am confident that my order, officially titled the "Paris Hilton, Harriet Miers, and Illegal Alien Emancipation Act of 2007," will lead to greater opportunities and prosperity for all Americans."



John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

"Dubya Moments" Feeding Frenzy at G8

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Now that President Bush has arrived safely for the G8 summit, all of America is bracing for the inevitable onslaught of "Dubya Moments" from a world media obsessed with making our president look and sound goofier than he actually is.

Whether it is an unwelcome wink at the Queen of England, an unsolicited groping of Germany's Chancellor, or a crass Yo! Blair directed at England's Prime Minister with his mouth full of crumpets, our president can be counted on to deliver enough bloopers to keep the world in stitches---and anxious Americans on Valium and in their cups--- for eight solid days.

In fact, given Bush's prolific faux pau numbers, it is a wonder that he is still allowed to leave the Oval Office.

Except, that is, for meals, potty breaks, and fund raisers at Bush family reunions, where friendly audiences and armed Marines can be counted on to keep most presidential missteps from becoming "Breaking News!"

Unfortunately, the G8 summit is not a Bush family reunion, so the worldwide media will be looking for any and all Dubya Moments to exploit.

Speculating about what Bush will or will not do is always risky; however, it seems a safe bet that at some point over the next eight days, Bush will do one or more of the following:

* Chide Vladimir Putin about the cold war being over, while insisting that placing U.S. missile defense bases in Europe poses no threat to Russia, unless Vladi continues his backsliding and reckless derailment of democratic reforms;

* Offer to rub Angela Merkel's back provided that the German Chancellor drops her silly idea about cutting emissions by 50 per cent. "Been there, done that," Dubya says, referring to his mauling of Merkel at the 2006 G8.

* Offer to help France with its illegal alien problem by taking in a couple of million or so into America.

To be eligible, aliens from France must speak Spanish, not speak or understand any English, and have experience picking avocados in 100 degree heat for fourteen hours a day, and

* Restate his opposition to gay marriage by declaring that "Men Only" or "Women Only" marriages are morally wrong because they lack diversity, and, don't you know Dubya is America's Diversity President?

Irrespective of which Dubya Moments actually make it to Breaking News, one can rest assured that they will be wildly entertaining to most of the world, and incentive for most Americans to destroy their birth certificates and all other damning evidence of U.S. citizenship!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Monday, June 04, 2007

While Pelosi Gallivants, Culture of Corruption Stages Dramatic Comeback

By John W. Lillpop

Just a few short months ago, newly crowned Nancy Pelosi modestly announced that her ascension to Speaker of the House signaled a "New Day in America."

It also marked the fulfillment of the "Peter Principle" which holds that liberals always rise to their level of incompetence, although Madam Speaker conveniently overlooked that particular truth.

Back in January, Speaker Pelosi also declared herself ready to clean the U.S. House, especially the "Culture of Corruption" that corrupt Republicans nurtured while they were in charge.

Having committed herself to enforcing the highest standards of ethics and integrity in the history of the Republic, Pelosi immediately set out to take over American foreign policy and commander-in-chief duties from George W. Bush, whom Pelosi considers to be "incompetent."

After engineering a bill of surrender, disguised as the Iraq funding bill, through the House, Pelosi raced off to meet with Syrian President Assad to share her vision for a "New Day in America" with the terrorist dictator.

And in a recent expansion of her calling, Pelosi went to Iceland and Europe to determine the truth about global warming and to develop a portfolio of arguments for blaming said climate change on America, and George W. Bush specifically.

Without a doubt, Pelosi's gallivanting in the Middle East and Europe will add international flavor to her resume, but not without cost.

As it turns out, while Pelosi was conspiring with President Assad and consoling ice-deprived bears in Iceland, the notorious "Culture of Corruption" made a comeback and is again firmly entrenched in the U.S. House.

Indeed, while Pelosi was concerning herself with issues best left to normal people, Rep. William Jefferson, D-La. was proving that corruption is not the exclusive domain of Caucasian, Christian, male Republicans.

Jefferson did so by being indicted on June 4 on federal charges of racketeering, soliciting bribes and money laundering in a long- running bribery investigation into business deals he tried to broker in Africa.


And while Jefferson is to be presumed innocent until proven otherwise in a court of law, the American people deserve answers to a couple of questions from Speaker Pelosi:

Whatever happened to that woman who promised to clean the House?:

Is this the "New Day in America" that Pelosi had in mind?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.