The Fall of the Ham Sandwich: Precursor to Armageddon?

Satire by John W. Lillpop


Although my formal education in theology is negligible (zero), I am spiritually enlightened enough to know that the Almighty uses "signs" to warn his flocks of impending doom.

Examples from the beginning of time include earthquakes, and rumors of earthquakes, floods, pestilence, tsunamis, and other catastrophic events, like the Democrats regaining majority control of the U.S. Congress.

All of these are warnings from on high which, when accompanied by blaring trumpets and angels dressed in black, are His way of letting us know that the end is nigh.

With respect to kicking Democrats out of Congress, Dear Lord, we pray that you will deliver us from that evil, sooner rather than later!

A new and very ominous sign is now emerging, and this one involves fundamental American values. Should this travesty take hold, it could lead to the end of western civilization, as we now know it.

The issue: Liberalism gone amuck has reached the point where the Ham Sandwich, symbol of all that is good and holy in America, is under assault.

Example: Wantonly leaving a ham sandwich on a dining table at which Muslims are seated is a Hate Crime in certain communities overly infested with liberalism.

Here: http://www.americandaily.com/article/18540

Future horror: Mentioning ham sandwiches within 2,500 yards of any Muslim faithful and or mosque may be designated as Hate Speech and could lead to an arrest.

Praise be to Allah?

Recognize, please, the gravity of this situation: Eliminating the ham sandwich could be the final blow to America the great.

Without a ham sandwich to practice on, aspiring prosecutors might end up violating legal ethics, like Mike Nifong did with his outrageous indictment of the Duke University lacrosse team.

Or an attorney without ham sandwich training might convict a person who has committed no crime, as Patrick Fitzgerald did to Scooter Libby.

Bottom Line: The ham sandwich is vital to American jurisprudence, and must not be tampered with, Allah notwithstanding!

Next: Consider the impact on America's political system. Without pork to dispense and trade, politicians from both parties would unable to function.

There would be no war funding bills passed, and no "bridges to no where" for Alaska. The term "earmark" would become obsolete were pork banned from the hallowed halls of the U.S. Congress.

On the crime and terrorism front, medical studies not yet released indicate that "ham sandwich deprivation" can lead to violent and anti-social behavior such as ramming jet planes into buildings, suicide bombings, and decapitation of infidels for sins against Allah, like believing that the Holocaust actually took place.

Going against the grain of liberalism, nutritionists and anti-terror experts are recommending that Muslims be forced to eat ham sandwiches, starting with children in day care centers, in order to enhance homeland security.

The theory is that by converting all those scrawny 110 pound potential terrorists into 300 pound "typical" Americans, we might be able to prevent another 9/11.

Too fat to hate is the technical medical term.

Asked to comment on the latest developments, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said:

"The problem is not with Jihad or Muslims. The real tragedy is that George W. Bush has eaten way too many ham sandwiches for good mental health.

We need to remove all pork from the White House kitchen. Maybe then we will have a chance to end the war and save America!"

As always, Nancy says it like no one else can, or would if they could!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

What Hillary Clinton Will NOT Find Under Rug in Oval Office

Satire by John W. Lillpop




















Is Hillary Clinton falling victim to overconfidence?

One could easily conclude that based on a recent statement from Ms. Clinton on the campaign trail in Iowa.

She said, "When I walk into the Oval Office in 2009, I’m afraid I’m going to lift up the rug and I’m going to see so much stuff under there. You know, what is it about us always having to clean up after people?"

Sending a Clinton to clean up the Oval Office makes about as much sense as sending Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to the Wailing Wall in Israel to pray for Holocaust victims.

Would not be prudent, as they say!

It is prudent, however, to remind Hillary Clinton that should she be elected president in 2008, she will NOT find any of the following dirt under the rug in the Oval Office:


* Those missing files from the Rose Law firm.

* Minutes from secret Gestapo meetings run by Clinton to ram socialized
medicine down the throats of the American people.

* Handwritten note from Vince Foster note advising Hillary that he was
ending their romantic affair, with the word "KILL!" scribbled in red across the note.

* Talking points memo titled, "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and
Other Media Strategies for Blaming the GOP for Bill's Sexual Perversion."

* Draft manuscript for book, "Bill's Confession: I did Not Have Sex with That Woman!" with forward by Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The words, "Canceled! Thanks to that creep Ken Star!" recorded on manuscript in Bill Clinton's handwriting.

* Book titled Oral Sex for Dummies with "Property of ML" recorded on the inside cover.

* Size 22 blue dress bearing the "spot heard 'round the world."

* Canceled check in the amount of $850,000 endorsed by Paula Jones.
Memo section notes, "This is not an admission of guilt nor an apology."

* Bill Clinton's "Little Black Book," listing hot African-American bimbos in Little Rock, Washington, D.C., the United Nations, and the entire continent of Africa.

* Orders from the United States Supreme Court and Arkansas State Bar barring Bill Clinton from practicing law because of perjury and obstruction of justice.

Bottom line: Forget looking under that Oval Office rug, Hillary!

If dirt is what you are looking for, just roll over and, if Bill is there, introduce yourself and remind Slick that this time YOU will have the key to that little room off the Oval Office!

Despite the obvious hypocrisy and criminal past of both Clintons, there could be real advantages to electing Hillary Clinton as president in 2008, including the following.

Slick Willie and Hillary might bring back some of that taxpayer-owned china and other booty pinched from the White House in late January, 2001. Said booty would once again be on property owned by We the People, until at least 2012 or 2016. That would be a good thing.

After eight years, the good people of New York state deserve a break. Sending Hillary to Washington, D.C. would send a terrific message of "We Luv NY!" from the people of America to trapped New Yorkers.

With Slick Willie free to run wild in the Oval Office and adjoining back room again, there would surely be three or four sex scandals a year to investigate, providing unlimited blogging material for those of us who blog to the right of center.

Slick might even use all that sophisticated NSA domestic spying apparatus at the White House to eavesdrop on lonely bimbos in Arkansas or Pakistan. He might persuade Lady Clinton to do likewise, creating a perfect impeachable scenario for Republicans to adjudicate.

That would mean even more great blogging material for us right-wing nut cases.

Hillary and Bill Clinton: Dirt bags looking for a rug to hide under?


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Dr. Sheryl Crow's Ingenious Plan to "Wipe Out" Global Warming

Satire by John Lillpop

Who would have imagined that the svelte, beautiful, and musically gifted
Sheryl Crow would be capable of profundity of intellect not witnessed since Albert Einstein passed?

Indeed, who in their right mind would have consulted with the good Dr. Crow in order to find a solution to the global warming crisis that threatens all life forms on earth?

Who would have expected Crow to deliver a plan so revolutionary and visionary that scholars are still trying to sort out the details?

For those who have not yet heard, Dr. Crow rocked the civilized world with her proposal to reverse global warming by limiting the amount of bathroom tissue that one can legally use in any single visit.

Dr. Crow's epiphany resurrects the age-old question: How are brilliant ideas transmitted to mortals?

Why is one person blessed with genius, while another is just a chowder headed liberal relegated to the "back bench" as Speaker of the U.S. House?

A clue may be found in a quick review of Dr. Crow's itinerary last weekend.

Last Saturday night, Crow attended the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington D.C. and meandered over to table 92 so as to share her wit and wisdom with Presidential Adviser Karl Rove.

Perhaps the sight of the portly Rove overwhelmed Crow's senses with images of bathroom tissue, thereby planting the seed of genius that would germinate into a solution for earth's most dangerous and perplexing dilemma?

The problem with that theory: Seeing Mr. Rove up and close would normally prompt one to think in terms of more, not less, tissue!

Still, Dr. Crow's new fame will probably lead to more invites from the local Mensa chapter and less Saturday Night Live guest spots.

Sources close to Dr. Crow have stated, on condition of anonymity, that she intends to up the ante with a new proposal that is sure to cure Al Gore's ED, obesity, and depression overnight.

The solution: Recycle!

That's right. Dr. Crow visited the Pentagon this week and used the military supercomputer for some very important and highly classified calculations.

According to Dr. Crow's math, forcing Americans to recycle bathroom tissue could ultimately eliminate global warming altogether.

Al Gore is reportedly so excited by this proposal that he has started filming the sequel to "An Inconvenient Truth."

Al is going to call the sequel "An Inconvenient Solution," and is said to be working on a new "Tissue Exchange" organization to parallel the powerful success he has enjoyed with carbon exchange fraud.

For her part, Dr. Crow is working directly with Speaker Pelosi to draft legislation for implementation of "The Save the Planet by Preventing Bathroom Tissue Waste and Fraud Act of 2007."

The new act will create a cabinet-level department to implement and monitor compliance with the provisions of the Act throughout America.

Preliminary estimates conclude that the Dr. Crow proposal will cost about $200 billion a year, all of which will made up by bringing American troops home from Iraq by Labor Day, 2007.

Asked to comment on the costs, Speaker Pelosi stated: "It's a win-win for America! Not only do we nail George W. Bush, but we also create scores of thousands of new government jobs and save three or four trees over the next 50 years."

I asked, "but what about global warming, Speaker Pelosi? "

Her reply: "Ask Sheryl Crow about that. She's a genius you know!"

And they call them "progressive"?


Satire by John Lillpop


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Celebrating Earth Day With Appropriate PC Reverence

by John W. Lillpop

In order to commemorate Earth Day with the appropriate PC spirit and chutzpah, the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming and Electing Al President" has sanctioned a list of ten ways to celebrate Earth Day.

Mind you, these are not mandatory, provided one can prove a disabling handicap or mental disorder and is a properly registered Democrat!

Ten Ways to Celebrate Earth Day:


1. Take a friend to see An Inconvenient Truth.


2. Discretely fertilize your neighbor's expensive manicured lawn with a special anti-power lawnmower spray invented by Al Gore.

This calling to do the Lord's work is perfect for those who struggle to sleep and works best if done between the hours of 2-4 am.

Al's lawn gore is guaranteed to eliminate the need for carbon-noxious lawn mowers for at least three years. Available at goretheglobalwarmingho.gov

Mention this ad and get a free referral to a local attorney who specializes in defending those accused of property destruction felonies.

3. Take two friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.

4. Invest in a carbon exchange corporation that is committed to ending global warming, while making obscene profits seem patriotic and "green."

A very strong referral in this emerging business sector is the new enterprise known as the "Barbara Boxer School of Junk Science and Investment Fraud."

This low tech misadventure is headquartered in Nashville, Tennessee on Al Gores' 20,000 square foot "carbon neutral" mansion. Investors are advised to bring cash only--shares will not be released based on credit cards or checks.

The Barbara Boxer School of Junk Science and Investment Fraud will hold the company's first annual meeting on April 22. Senator Boxer will deliver the keynote speech titled, "How Global Warming Can Impact Your Bar Mitzvah, Retirement, and Circumcision."

Light kosher refreshments will be sold at the event.

5. Take three friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.

6. Help Al and friends develop an "Enemies of Earth" database for use on future global warming activism projects, and for Al's next run for president.

The objective is to identify those who refuse to worship at the altar of global warming and who mock the Lord's work on this vital issue.

Most of the offenders are Caucasian Christian Republicans, mostly angry males. Al needs to create a database of such people including home address, e-mail, phone number, church affiliation, social security numbers, and all substantiated (unsubstantiated OK if real juicy) dirt that can be used in the 2008 presidential election.

7. Take four friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.


8. Volunteer for the "Pulitzer Prize for Al Gore" campaign.

When Al Gore received an Academy Award for his objective and scientifically impartial movie, An Inconvenient Truth, the heavens literally opened and the light of truth was delivered to billions of people wallowing in the lies and deceit of those responsible for global warming.

Because of his heroic work to save the planet, Al Gore is a leading candidate for the Pulitzer Prize. You can make a huge contribution to the future of Earth, its six billion human inhabits, and innumerable species in the animal and plant worlds by working to help steer the Pulitzer Prize in Al's direction.

For your "PP For Gore" startup kit and motivational DVD, send $512.37 to the address listed on goretheglobalwarmingho.gov

Non-refundable, not tax deductible.


9. Take five friends to see An Inconvenient Truth, and

10. The ultimate vow of obedience for saving Earth.

This step is admittedly not for everyone. It requires those who really care about Earth, children, old people, and pregnant women to make a profound sacrifice.

To those so blessed, the objective is to attack global warming head on by surrendering all motor vehicles to the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming."

Vehicles are accepted at DNC branches in all major cities provided one has a lien-free title to the vehicle, or a funding date for retirement of any outstanding liens through refinancing.

Please leave the keys in your vehicle and arrange for return transportation for all in your party. The DNC cannot provide or arrange for transportation.


Well, there you have it, moonbats! The liberal way to celebrate Earth Day with PC gusto!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Solution to Campus Violence: Outlaw "Hate Laughter"

Satire by John Lillpop

Ever diligent in its search for even more laws with which to pummel people into submission, the Coalition of Nanny State Liberals and Mainstream Media (CONSLMM) believes it has uncovered the root cause behind the shootings that cost 32 innocent people their lives at Virginia Tech.

It turns out that Cho Seung-Hui was himself a helpless victim. A victim of school bullies and hate laughter because of his strange speech and shyness.

According to one ex-classmate, Cho was ridiculed in an English class after being forced to read out loud. Cho's accent and reading style sent the whole class into laughter, with many students pointing to the South Korean native and laughingly demanding that he "Go back to China."

Here: http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070419/D8OJTJD02.html

Clearly, then, the solution is to ban "hate laughter" against sensitive people.

After all, the young immigrant Cho had been robbed of his self-esteem and reacted in a predictable, and almost justifiable, manner.

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the U.S. House and President of CONSLMM, released a draft of new legislation that would sock it to bullies and protect delicate flowers like Cho Seung-Hui from the devastation of hate laughter.

Pelosi's bill, titled "The Preservation of Self-esteem and Freedom from Don Imus and Handguns Abuse Act of 2007," is a comprehensive approach to the complex social, economic, legal, and psychological problems that precipitate events like those acted out by Cho Seung-Hui on April 16.

Among the provisions set forth in the Act are these:

1. Makes it a federal crime to willfully and knowingly promote or participate in "hate laughter" for the purpose of diminishing self-esteem in people known to be, or suspected of being, or remotely possible of being, sensitive.

In addition to class rooms, this statute would apply to tanning booths, Jenny Craig Weight Loss clinics, adult book stores, beauty salons patronized by women over 40, Republican fund raising events, English as a second language (ESL) classes, and to border patrol agents engaged in arresting armed illegal aliens possessing at least 500 pounds of pot, cocaine, heroin, or any combination thereof.

A permanent exemption is granted for "hate laughter" directed against George W. Bush.


2. Makes it a federal offense to promote "hate laughter" in public communication forums including radio, television, movies, and the Internet.

Specifically adds "Nappy-headed Ho" to words forbidden by the FCC.

Imposes a new "Imus Recovery Surcharge" on all conservative talk shows and web sites in order to pay for monitoring and enforcement of this important public safeguard.


3. Repeals the 2nd Amendment and requires withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq by Memorial Day 2007.

All U.S. troops are to be re-deployed to the U.S. mainland and ordered to confiscate all weapons from we the people.

A permanent exemption is granted for armed guards employed to protect liberal politicians from attacks inspired by right-wing nut cases like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage.

In the final analysis, the most reasonable response to the Cho Seung-Hui massacre was voiced by his grandfather, Kim Hyang-Sik, who said: "Son of a bitch. It serves him right he died with his victims."

Here:

Although Kim's comment reportedly offended his daughter in law, it certainly makes more sense that the nonsense found in the mainstream media and echoed by liberal politicians.


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Triangulating Hate Speech Into Employment and Financial Opportunities

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Because life in these United States is as close to Heaven as God sees fit to permit, liberals and the main stream media are at a loss to find vitally important issues with which to consistently excite voters and news consumers.

As a result, America's leftist politicians and media have wasted one full week and untoward quantities of ink and broadband on comments made by an aging cowboy-hippie who purports to be a nationally syndicated radio DJ.

The word "purports" is appropriate since no living soul has ever actually listened to Don Imus in the morning, or at any other time of the day or night for that matter.

With the exception, that is, of a 10-second interlude in which Imus called Rutgers' women basketball players "nappy-headed hos."

That 10 seconds of edgy satire has escalated into “Breaking News Headlines” that have forced the president of the United States and several candidates for his job to weigh in on the ultra-sensitive topic.

In addition, "nappy-headed hos" almost toppled both the NBC and CBS networks, and has ratcheted racial tensions to a level not seen since those who pulverized Rodney King were acquitted.

The I-man's arrogant and flagrant use of free speech has sent mainstream media and liberal politicians scurrying to altars of political correctness in order to worship before, and appease, the god of diversity and tolerance.

A live human sacrifice was deemed necessary, and Don Imus seemed to be the perfect candidate to quell the pagan lust for eradicating free speech; thus, the kerfuffle cost the I-man his gigs on radio and television.

Meanwhile, the Reverend Jesse Jackson sees the rotting carcass of Don Imus as god's answer to his prayers for more black faces and voices in the media.

In fact, Jackson urged MSNBC to dump the I-man and to hire black talent in his stead.

MSNBC appears to have complied, at least with respect to dumping Imus.

Not to be outdone when it comes to milking the racism cash cow, the Reverend Al Sharpton is licking his chops at the prospect of legal action that would redistribute funds from the Imus Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer to more worthy black causes.

Like the Al Sharpton Happiness and Retirement Annuity, Al?


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Recyclers Wanted: English-speakers Need Not Apply

by John W. Lillpop


As one who consumes copious quantities of bottled water and canned soft drinks, I recently fell for some of the leftist pap about the inherent moral and spiritual superiority of those who recycle.

Mind you, people here in the San Francisco Bay Area take recycling very seriously.

In fact, next to assuring full rights for gays, transgenders, illegal aliens, and Islamofascists, being Green is the number one priority for any Bay Area resident worth his or her weight in "Bush Lied, People Died!" bumper stickers.

Here, correct punctuation requires one to capitalize green, as in Green, while letting God fend for himself, as in god.

Being Green is no longer optional, nor is it merely a commendable thing to do for those obsessed with doing community spirit.

In the San Francisco Bay Area, Green is a full-scale religion and vital condition for survival.

Example: State and local police, highway patrol officers, sheriffs and other law enforcement authorities are forbidden from even asking about the immigration status of a carload of intoxicated Hispanics with Tijuana license plates and Viva!Mexico tattooed on their foreheads.

But do not let a state or local police officer, highway patrol officer, sheriff, or other law enforcement authority catch you tossing an empty Pepsi can into the garbage!

That is a serious offense that can lead to severe penalties and prosecution.

Bay Area residents are even required to segregate regular garbage from recyclable materials. Dumping an empty plastic bottle into the wrong type of trash bin is not yet a felony, but the San Francisco Board of Supervisors are working on it.

Mayor Gavin Newsom has said that he would sign such a law, provided the law includes rebates for empty whiskey bottles, and used administrative assistants.

Da Mayor is learning that rehabilitation--San Francisco style-- can be dangerous to one's health!

After years of sorting through my garbage in order to do what the city of San Jose pays Sanitation Engineers (garbage men!) $40 an hour plus benefits to do, I decided to recycle my empty cans and bottles on my own.

Recycling as a way of life seemed fairly straight forward, even simple: It was just a matter of hauling empty cans and bottles to a designated recycle center, and collecting the small pittance offered to those not fortunate enough to be paid $75,000 a year by the city for hauling garbage.

The project seemed even easier than imagined when I found out that there were two recycle centers very near my home.

As it turns out, the closest recycle center is also a Vietnamese grocery store. But not to worry, because much of the signage in the shopping center is in English.

Once inside, I quickly realized that asking for help in English had about the same likelihood for success as selling Holocaust artifacts in downtown Tehran! Forget it!

So it was off to the next recycle center, and yet another Asian food store. Another store packed with people who found the word "Recycle" confusing, profane, and or hysterically funny.

By the grace of God, I was finally directed to the recycle area in the lot behind the food store.

Thinking that my nightmare was finally over, I started to feel slightly better about recycling. Perhaps it wasn't all bad after all.

My positive mood quickly went negative at the recycle station. There, the Hispanic attendant had his radio tuned to a Spanish music station with the volume so loud that one was tempted to call the EPA to report a violation of air pollution standards.

Despite blaring Mexican music and an English-challenged recycle clerk, I was able to redeem my cans and bottles and do my small part to save the planet.

Still, the experience was so repulsive and un-American, I decided to get even in my small, spiteful way: I donated the recycle rebate money to Exxon with a handwritten note reading "Compliments of Al Gore."

In English!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

"Granny Diplomacy" Hits Bump in Road to Damascus

satire by John W. Lillpop



Speaker Nancy Pelosi's much ballyhooed middle east mission to "make the world safer" was apparently marred by a failure often experienced by people in the later stages of life.

It's called a "senior moment" and causes the victim--in this case Pelosi--to lose all conscious memory and reasoning power.

In Pelosi's case, the loss was not all that great because there was not an abundance of either commodity in her liberal-infested cranium to begin with.

But a senior moment is the only plausible explanation for the kerfuffle created by the speaker over the past week.

Here is how Speaker Pelosi managed to mangle the peace process and set diplomacy back at least two generations:

Although Pelosi proudly marched into her meeting with Syrian President Assad and boldly announced a new peace message from Israel's Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, the Speaker's diplomatic triumph was lacking in one vital detail:

It was simply not true!

Indeed, Olmert's office issued a rare "clarification" Wednesday that contradicted Speaker Pelosi's claim. In other words, America's most powerful woman is incapable of grasping and accurately communicating a simple message.

Here: http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1173879247562&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

Bottom line: Absolutely nothing has changed in Israel and nothing will change in Syria just because a meddling old woman with dementia and botox poisoning has decided to save the world with "granny diplomacy."

To her credit, Pelosi stood up and took responsibility for the disconnect. She blamed an incompetent aide for forgetting to remind Pelosi to take her memory medicines last Saturday, which led directly to her faulty recollection of Olmert's message.

How comforting to know that the very future of the planet and its six billion human residents rests with an aging feminist who cannot distinguish between peace and terrorism in her addled old brain!

On a more positive note, former President Jimmy Carter praised Speaker Pelosi for her acheivement and opined that the garbled message was probably the result of a bold face lie on the part of the Jews, including Olmert.

Carter urged Pelosi to continue to use "granny diplomacy" until the world reaches the enlightened state of consciousness enjoyed by most residents of San Francisco.

America's best known peanut farmer and worst ex-president also compared the Pelosi trip to Damascus with that of Saul in biblical times. Saul, it will be recalled, was converted to Christianity on the road to Damascus, and became a major figure in the Christian movement.

"Pelosi's visit to Damascus may eventually be just as historic as that of Saul," Carter declared.

That may be true, but first Pelosi will have to remember where in the hell she is, and what she is supposed to say!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.