satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

10 Steps to Understanding Liberal Thinking

Satire By John W. Lillpop

The liberal brain does not collect and process information in a logical, reasonable, and objective manner. Rather, liberal thinking is dominated by an obsession with power, and use of that power to preserve elitist advantages.

This distorted perspective makes it very difficult to understand exactly how liberals think without advanced training in Abnormal Psychology.

Nonetheless, the following non-technical summary should be useful to lay people.

How liberals think on 10 major issues of the day:

1. The U.S. Constitution Is Unconstitutional

According to liberal dogma, the Declaration of Independence, U.S. Constitution, and Bill of Rights are unconstitutional because all were crafted by an exclusive conclave of white male Christians.

Women, Hispanics, African-Americans, Asians, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, the handicapped, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and the blind were all under represented, if at all.

Because of this devastating lack of diversity, the Constitution must be regarded as a "living document," subject to change in accordance with ever changing demographics and contemporary values.

2. Free Speech

Freedom of speech must never be quashed, except for criticism directed at minorities and sensitive constituencies of the Democrat party.

Burning Old Glory is protected free speech, whereas expressions of conservative values by people like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage are unacceptable "hate speech," which must be subjected to "fairness" censoring by the federal government.

3. Abortion, the Death Penalty and Assisted Suicide

On issues of life and death, liberals are especially vulnerable to tripping on their own hypocritical double talk.


A woman’s right to abort the life of an innocent child is inalienable; whereas execution of a convicted killer is cruel, unusual & barbaric.

Starving a helpless victim like Terri Schaivo to death is acceptable; but using lethal injection to end the life of a brutal killer is not.

4. Religion

Religious faith and belief in God are outdated pagan concepts, which do more harm than good. Sophisticated citizens can rely on the Democrat party for support from cradle to grave, obviating the need to rely on beliefs and rituals long since debunked.

Symbols of Christianity such as the Ten Commandments, the Cross, Christmas trees, nativity scenes, and the like must be hidden from public view so as to offend no one.

Publicly wishing a friend or family member "Merry Christmas" is clearly an act of civil disobedience and unconstitutional.

While Christianity is to be suppressed at all costs, Islam must be openly promoted in the name of religious awareness, sensitivity and tolerance.

The separation of state and government applies fully when dealing with Christianity or Judaism, but is irrelevant with regard to Islam and all other religions.

Delivery of Christmas cards and gifts by the United States Postal Service is an unconstitutional violation of state-religion separation and must end immediately.

5. Taxes

Leveling the playing field between haves and have-nots is the most important function of government, even more critical than national security.

To support that objective, no government role is more essential than levying and collecting taxes, otherwise known as redistribution of wealth.

Tax cuts are wrong when returned to people who actually paid taxes, but are perfectly fine when sent to those who paid none.

Although most liberals deny that Jesus even lived, many use the quote in Matthew 22:21, "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s..." to justify higher taxes.

Paying taxes is the "Christian Conservative" thing to do!

6. Marriage and Same-Sex Issues

The traditional American family consisting of one man and one woman is just one of several possible arrangements, all of which are equally moral and acceptable.

Marriage is no longer necessary to sanctify man-woman relationships.

Although the institution of marriage is no longer vital to heterosexual partners, it is absolutely essential that same-sex couples be allowed to marry. To deny them that basic right is discriminatory, immoral, unfair, and clearly unconstitutional.

7 Racism, Diversity and Affirmative Action

Liberals believe that discrimination based on race or gender is wrong. Except when waged against Caucasian men, in which case it is mandated by law and called Affirmative Action.

"Our Diversity Is our Greatest Strength" is the liberal pledge of allegiance to socialism.

Enforcing U.S. borders and immigration laws, including deportation of illegal aliens, is wrong because it targets Hispanics, obviously based on racial profiling.

Those who support English as the official language of America are racists. But those who prefer Spanish and other foreign languages over English are not because of the inherent value of diversity.

Conservatives who seek to preserve American language and culture are bigoted hate mongers, whereas new immigrants, including illegal aliens, must be allowed to maintain and celebrate their cultural heritage at all costs, even if it interferes with assimilation into mainstream America.

8. Preserving the American Dream for Working Class Americans

According to liberal propaganda, they are the only hope for American families, notwithstanding the fact that Democrats support the influx of millions of illegal aliens who work for lower wages and without benefits, and drive down the standard of living for working families.

Skyrocketing gasoline prices devastate working American families, but protecting Alaskan wild life is a greater priority.

Businesses are oppressive institutions that must not be allowed to become too large and powerful. By contrast, government creates wealth & happiness and should be expanded whenever possible.

Outsourcing of American jobs to foreign nations is driven by immoral corporate greed.

By contrast, open borders and amnesty are acceptable because most illegal aliens are future Democrats.

Huge profits are obscene and un-American, except when enjoyed by Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, George Soros, Oprah Winfrey, Ted Turner, Teddy Kennedy, and other liberals.

9. Global Warming, the Environment, and Energy Independence

According to liberal technocrats like Al Gore, Nancy Pelosi, Katie Couric, and Dennis Kucinich, global warming is a greater threat to the health and well being of humanity than the war on terror.

Some liberal extremists even think that the colors of the American flag should be changed to green, white, and blue so as to reflect the importance of the environment to our nation, while simultaneously deleting the color red, which symbolizes blood shed in illegal wars waged by Bushes 41 and 43.

10. Use of Military Force, Invading Foreign Nations

Military force must never be used, except when needed to advance interests not vital to the United States, or to obscure a Democrat president’s sexual misconduct in the Oval Office.

Invading a foreign nation is wrong, except when aliens from Mexico invade America.

Understanding liberal thinking is probably more trouble than it is worth. The more prudent action would be to take all necessary steps to assure that liberals are not elected or reelected to political office.

No Offense Intended, But--

By John W. Lillpop

Lord knows I am no flame-throwing anarchist who stumbles about saying and doing things only to irritate good people. That is not my modus operandi, regardless of what creditors and my ex-wife may be charging.

Nonetheless, it seems fitting at this time of year to “Cast My Fate to the Wind,” and to speak unabashed about that which I believe, without undue regard to political correctness.

As they used to say “Let it All Hang Out!”

Thus, and therefore, acting against the counsel of my lawyer and psychiatric team, I hereby plunge headfirst into the world of defiance and wicked decadence.

I do so by exclaiming the following greeting from the top of my keyboard:


And, no, I did NOT forget Kwanzaa, Hanukah, or Ramadan.

And I most assuredly did NOT mean Happy Holidays, the neutered, politically correct double talk that has gained favor with so many ACLU-bullied wussies.

And to be perfectly frank, in my view "Feliz Navidad" is the language of illegal aliens and, as such, is unacceptable as an American greeting!

I said exactly what I meant, without apologies or hesitation. I said it, and already I hear the manic screams of sirens outside my padded cell.

What to do?

The only thing a sane person would do. Repeat the “sounding joy” and again say:


And so it is.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Hate Christmas and Fireplaces? Welcome to San Francisco!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Just how kooky is San Francisco?

The short answer: Think Nancy Pelosi.

In most civilized communities, Nancy Pelosi would be strapped to a padded cell and given insulin treatment every hour, shock therapy every two hours. For security purposes, she would be banned from stepping foot in any local, state or federal government building for any purpose whatsoever, except to execute documents needed to effect her permanent and irrevocable deportation to India or Pakistan.

But this is San Francisco, nut ball capitol of the civilized world. A place so bizarre that Nancy Pelosi is regarded as a hero, and is reelected time and time again.

Remember that voters in San Francisco made it possible for Pelosi to be within an irregular heartbeat and justifiable impeachment of moving into the Oval Office.

Try saying President Nancy Pelosi twice without a barf bag at the ready!

Still, Nancy Pelosi is not alone in her goofy politics and liberalism bordering on outright insanity. San Francisco's Mayor Gavin Newsom, in conspiracy with the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, have also made history by using Sesame Street as their model in shaping the City Charter.

Among the more egregious decisions by San Francisco elected officials are the following dillies:

* Sanctioned same sex marriages despite state law and a voter mandate.

* Refused to allow the USS Iowa to dock in San Francisco waters.

* Attempted to prevent the world famous Blue Angels from performing.

* Censored conservative radio talk show Michael Savage.

* Tried to convert dog poop into electrical power.

* Approved ID cards for illegal aliens.

And just in time for Christmas, the Lords of Folly are considering a ban on fireplaces.

SF Gate:

Fireplaces are considered a global warming threat here, even though most family hearths are rarely fired up more than three or four times a year, and then normally only for family photos and videos.

Still, making headlines in the war on global warming is more important than fact, science, or other bothersome details to politicians who share Nancy Pelosi's outrageous political perspective and bias.

As they say, "Only In San Francisco."

To which one can gratefully add, "Thank God!"

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Being Associated With W Can Be Hazardous!

By John W. Lillpop

First it was Tony Blair, the affable Brit whom Americans like because he actually speaks English the old fashioned way--correctly!

Mr. Blair was an ally of W--some cynics say he was more of a lap dog-- through thick and thin until the British people pounded Blair for such poor judgment when it comes to associates. They do have a point, you know.

Next it was American Republican senators and house members who paid the price in 2006. Supporting W and his idiotic immigration reform scheme, among other issues, rankled a lot of voters who unwisely elected Democrats to replace RINOs.

That is rather like replacing the rats infesting one's home with poisonous spiders and snakes. Not a step in the right direction, say what?

Now comes word from down under that John Howard has joined the ranks of politicians smitten for being loyal to W. Again, the good people of Australia have a point, at least when it comes to rejecting anyone who follows the leadership of that dimwitted dyslexic cowboy whom we are obligated to call president for another fourteen dreary months.

Still, there may be hope in 2008 if W endorses an enemy of America like Rudy or Hillary to take over his spot on the throne. With the curse of W to contend with, no politician stands a chance, which is exactly what Rudy and Hillary both deserve!

“Oh, Come Let us Abort Him!”

By John W. Lillpop

The Christmas story is truly the most remarkable and beautiful story ever told. The fact that an omnipotent Creator would deliver His plan of salvation for humanity through an innocent child wrapped in swaddling clothes is both moving and telling.

After all, He could have use the enormous forces of nature to draw attention to his dissatisfaction with the spiritual shortfall of the species created in His image. A major flood, a devastating string of earthquakes, violent storms and other calamities could have been visited upon the earth and it’s sinful inhabitants.

Instead, He chose to deliver His message of hope and eternal life through a human instrument, in the form of the baby Jesus. The world has never been the same since that Christmas Eve more than 2,000 years ago.

Paradoxically, while the Creator honored humanity with the presence of a child in order to offer eternal life, despicable men and women in contemporary times have decided that some human life is of no more consequence than rancid animal waste.

This willful and arrogant denial of God’s greatest gift—human life—reached it’s most contemptible apex on January 23, 1973, when the United States Supreme Court ruled, in a 7-2 decision, that abortion was a fundamental right bestowed by the United States Constitution.

How strange that the U.S. Constitution, which was crafted by God-fearing men of faith, would be distorted and misrepresented so completely by the most capable and intellectually gifted men of the times.

Following the death sentence imposed on the unborn in 1973, more than 47 million innocent fetuses have been destroyed. Abortions are justified with a variety of reasons: The inconvenience of a pregnancy is the least moral reason for ending a human life through abortion. In situations where a woman has been a victim of rape or incest, more plausible and reasonable justifications are applied.

Regardless of the justification, the fact is that 47 million human spirits have been destroyed through human, rather than divine, intervention.

Which means that the classic Christmas carol titled “Come, Let Us Adore Him,” has literally been changed to “Come, Let Us Abort Him.”

Oh, and by the way, Merry Christmas!

Friday, November 23, 2007

"Not In My Womb" New Battle Cry of Leftists!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

is a newly discovered disease that impairs one's judgment, dulls the senses, and replaces rational thought with leftist pap. Known in old school medicine as liberalism, Goreism is actually far more potent and aggressive than the garden-variety version of leftist insanity.

This deadly disease is especially prevalent among science-challenged liberals looking for a way to wipe out capitalism, Christianity, and Democracy, and replace said vices with socialism, godlessness, and fascism, all in one foul swoop.

Those wishing to spread Goreism throughout the globe have found a new and intriguing way to implement their mindless mantra. They have convinced otherwise normal woman to abandon natural maternal instincts in order to prevent damage to earth's eco-system.

In other words, some women are refusing to have babies because doing so could lead to global warming!

Note, please, that the Gorettes have not tried to push abstinence down anyone's throat. Big Al may be crazy, but he is not stupid!

An example of Goreism at it's worst can be found in a young woman by the name of Toni Vernelli who fell victim to the disease several years ago. Her tragic affliction caused Vernelli to abort a pregnancy and, ultimately, to undergo sterilization.

Vernelli justified her action by saying, "Having children is selfish. It's all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet."

"Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population," she added.

Daily Mail:

Out of this macabre mindset there is a some wonderfully good news: To date, Goreism afflicts only liberals, lending hope to the notion that those who choose to be childless will be radical feminists, unfit for motherhood to begin with.

With any luck, this "Not In My Womb" self-righteous insanity will spread like wildfire to the illegal alien community, mothers on welfare, and other enemies of America.

Say, I wonder if there is any way to make Goreism retroactive?

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Family Holiday Gatherings: Joyous Occasions, Or Subtle Torture?

Satire By John w. Lillpop

Years ago, it came to pass that I discovered that those obligatory family gatherings on big holidays can be more hazardous to one's health than smoking.

Therefore, being of sound mind and addicted to tobacco, I did the prudent thing: Gave up the family gatherings and kept the smokes!

Thirty years and one less lung later, I now realize that giving the Bird to family on Dead Turkey Day may be a ball at the time, but can lead to unintended consequences. Like being written out of a rich aunt's will, for example.

Caution: My comments about family should not be misinterpreted as anti-social in any way.

I genuinely love each and every member of my family and am more than happy to attend important events like funerals. All that I require is sufficient advance notice (ten day minimum), round trip first class fare, lodging in a VIP suite in a five-star hotel with HBO and wet bar room service, and airport limousine service to and from my castle in San Jose, California. Important: Please include a $50.00 tip for the limo driver for each leg of the trip.

Meet those conditions and I will be there with a fresh orchid in my lapel and an appropriately sorrowful look on my face to mourn one less Lillpop polluting the planet.

But please do not ask me to be a pallbearer. With 38 million illegal aliens in the nation, the least my family can do is to find six sober ones (illegals, that is) to carry Uncle Heathen to his eternal resting-place.

Compensate said illegals with a six pack of the best Mexican import beer one can buy at the nearest 7-11. Important note 2: Do NOT hand out the beer until after dear uncle has been safely laid to rest, or his remains may end up in a Tijuana prison along with six drunken Mexican pall bearers and a sleazy madam from the local bar scene.

Holiday tradition has always been vital in my family and has been the "glue" that keeps us together.

For instance, immediately after receiving a Christmas card from a friend or family member, and upon verification of the authenticity of the handwriting, I send out a like-priced card to the sender. I enclose a Flash drive with an Excel spread sheet that lists all of my color preferences and sizes for clothing, and an inventory of all home appliances and electronics (televisions, home sound systems, etc.) with year of purchase, current condition, and dimensions.

A new tradition has been added this year: A "COD Gifts Not Accepted" footnote has been added to the Excel spread sheet.

Another time-honored tradition: An estranged sister has a burning lump of coal fired through her living room window at midnight every Christmas eve. This is my way of helping the poor and stupid stay warm--in keeping with the spirit of the season.

My favorite tradition involves my ex-wife. When Thanksgiving is hosted at my home, I tell the women in attendance to ignore the dirty dishes, greasy cooking pans and spilled food. I tell them I will personally take care of the mess.

Once the crowd has been ushered out, I invite the ex to bring her Brillo pads, pot scrubbers, 409 spray and mop for a quiet evening by the fire. While she cleans the kitchen and dining room, I nap by the fire.

Once the kitchen has been released by the Board of Health, the ex I and top off the evening with our most memorable tradition: We fight for several hours.

It is all quite touching, really. But it is a family tradition that I would not trade for anything.

Except, that is, for a holiday spent strapped to a water board at Guantánamo!

Got water?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Hillary Reacts To Eliot Spitzer's Reversal on Licenses for Illegal Aliens

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Just as Hillary Clinton and her campaign staff were putting the final touches on her non-answers, half- answers, and outright lies for the Thursday debate in Las Vegas, the breaking news came roaring at them: Governor Eliot Spitzer had just 'pulled a Hillary' by flip flopping on the issue of licenses for illegal aliens.


Never at a loss to deal with any contingency, Hillary's team immediately shifted into "spin" cycle and issued the following press release:


"As I indicated in response to Tim Russert's misleading question during the last debate, I understand why Governor Spitzer took the actions that he did.

"I did not say that I agree, or disagree, with the governor. It's just that I understand why he acted.

"Above all else, I believe that the entire issue is the fault of the Bush administration for failing to implement comprehensive immigration reform.

"Which is not to say that I believe comprehensive reform is, or is not, necessarily a good thing. Illegal immigration is a very complex issue that needs to be studied extensively, rather than answered in a 30-second sound bite.

"As the greatest president in U.S. history, to date that is, once famously said, 'It depends of what the definition of is is.'

"Which is not to say that I agree, or disagree, with Slick Willie, which is what Chelsea and I call the former president, among other things.

"Is Is is also a very complex question that needs study rather than a hasty answer.

"Which is not to say that I agree, or disagree, with hasty answers.

"The bottom line is that until schizophrenic voters make up damn their minds on illegal aliens in a way that can be measured in a low risk campaign poll, my position will remain fluid and flexible in order to effectively identify and respond to the desires of the American people.

"Which is not to say that I actually give a tinker's dam about what the unwashed masses think or desire!"

Executed in Good Faith and Rare Candor,

Senator Hillary Clinton

Friday, November 09, 2007

Dubya's Top Secret Advice to Pervez Musharraf

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Although the Bush administration is widely credited with trying to pressure President Pervez Musharraf into ending the state of emergency in Pakistan, the unvarnished truth appears quite different.

In fact, in a highly classified letter obtained surreptitiously by unnamed and anonymous sources in an undisclosed location, it appears as though President Bush was instrumental in causing President Musharraf to act as he did, including dissolution of Pakistan's Supreme Court and the arrest of court justices.

The entire text of Bush's secret letter is reprinted below, except for redacted parts that do not support the premise of this article.

Top Secret-- Memo To Pervez Musharraf--Top Secret

YO, Pervez!

W coming at ya from down here in Crawford, where we are celebrating Memorial Day, or Cinco de Mayor day, or some other silly excuse for paying hundreds of thousands of bureaucratic slugs for sitting on their butts and drinking beer all weekend.

But what's a prez to do? Veto a paid holiday?

Listen, Pervez, I know that you have had a rough time there in Pakistan what with all those terrorists and wild-eyed Indians trying to stab you in the back.

I have the same problem here with terrorist sympathizers--we call them Democrats--and a bug-eyed woman who sort of resembles your Buddha--or is that Bhutto?


In any case, I came across a great strategery for shoving your enemies out of the way if your situation becomes too much to bear.

I call it my National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive.

This is one powerful tool, Pervez, because it allows me to take over the U.S. by simply declaring a state of emergency, without congressional approval or oversight, and without interference from the courts, the media, or any other enemies of freedom.

You can view this precious document at

The directive includes a lot of legalese mumbo jumbo, which should keep the unwashed masses from being able to understand it.

But the bottom line is that by declaring a "catastrophic emergency," I assume the power to direct any and all government and business activities until the emergency is declared over.

Here's the kicker, Pervez: Only the president (me) can declare an emergency, and only the president (guess who?) can declare the end of the emergency.

No meddling senators, or Speakers of the House, or judges to content with!

I simply scream EMERGENCY! and take over the nation as if it were the Texas Rangers or some other dysfunctional enterprise.

Look, Pervez, I signed this directive on May 9, 2007 without so much as issuing a press release. It now carries the force of law here in 'merica.

With a National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive in your bag of tricks, you may never have to use another military coup!

Yours in Democracy and freedom,

W, the Unifier

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Does Obama Have a Valid Point? Can America Trust a Woman Over 60?

By John W. Lillpop

Democrats continue to trash each other, especially Hillary Clinton, with reckless abandon. Don't they realize that all that mudslinging is providing Republicans with a bountiful cache of attack ads for the general election?

The latest addition to the GOP war chest flowed out of the mouth of Barack Obama who said:

"I think there's no doubt that we (his campaign) represent the kind of change that Sen. Clinton can't deliver on, and part of it is generational."

He continued by saying, "Sen. Clinton and others, they've been fighting some of the same fights since the '60s, and it makes it very difficult for them to bring the country together to get things done."

NY Daily News:

Holy mudballs, I thought this fellow was supposed to be clean and articulate?

Doesn't Obama respect the first rule of street fighting, which is: Never, ever hit a woman below the belt by taking a cheap shot at her age?

Granted,it is immensely gratifying to watch liberals use Hillary like a tackling dummy at a pro football training camp.

Still, one wonders why Obama would resort to guttural agesism to attack the Hildabeast?

Are he and his staff unaware of the fact that there are 70 million baby boomers, all in Hillary's age bracket?

Does Obama understand that boomers always vote, while young whippersnappers tend to forget their civic duty when distracted by a particularly promising romantic rendezvous, or a 10% off sale on cell phone batteries?

Besides, what exactly does Obama mean when he says that he represents the kind of change that people in the 60s cannot deliver on?

Good heavens, America still speaks English, for the most part.

The U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights are still intact, notwithstanding the best efforts of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and other goofy leftists of Obama's ilk.

The world's geography is pretty much the same as it was in the 60s. Saudi Arabia is still in the desert, and not a part of the Hawaiian islands. And although Democrats have worked tirelessly to make Iraq look just like Viet Nam, both nations are still more or less where they were in the 60s.

So just what in the hell is this snaky leftist ranting about?

By the way, Barack, a 60s something woman, even one like Hillary, is one hell of a lot more acceptable than a closet Muslim, of any age, who refuses to wear a U.S. flag pin and will not hold his hand over his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance!

So there!

Pelosi's "New Day" Results in 11 Percent Approval

By John W. Lillpop

More than 10 months ago, Nancy Pelosi basked in the glory of being sworn in as the most powerful woman in America and third in line for ascension to the presidency.

Wags referred to Pelosi as San Francisco's "only straight Queen."

Those were heady days for California's most prominent socialist and greatest national embarrassment. Mind you, Barbara Boxer and Pete Stark are gaining on the bug-eyed grandma, but to date neither has been quite as spectacularly goofy as Speaker Pelosi.

Following her coronation in January, Nancy Pelosi promised a "New Day In America." Most assumed that she meant a "better" day.

With 10 months now in the books and nearly 50 percent of Pelosi's term spent, it is time to objectively ask, "How is she doing?"

To answer that question, consider the following events that have made headlines during Nancy Pelosi's term as Speaker of the House:

* Pakistan melts down into chaos, Georgia (the nation) follows.

* After being incited over an atrocity that took place 92 years ago, Turkey threatens to invade Iraq.

* Vladmire Putin makes cold war threats against America. Hot war threats to follow?

* Iran activates centrifuge # 3,000.

* Oil nears $100 a barrel, Gas prices race toward $5 a gallon.

* U.S. dollar falls to record lows.

* General Motors loses $39 billion in one quarter.

* National debt hits $9 trillion dollars

* Residential-housing market implodes.

* Sub-prime mortgage sector collapses, home foreclosures soar.

* Georgia (the state) and most of the American southeast suffer devastating drought.

* Wildfires decimate southern California.

* Writers in Hollywood strike, and

* Pete Stark goes berserk on floor of U.S. House.

Most thinking Americans would instantly recognize the folly in trying to lay the blame for the above events at the feet of Speaker Pelosi.

Why, then, do many of those same "thinking" Americans delight in blaming President Bush for every bit of bad news on the planet?

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Waist Management: A Waste of Time and Money?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Anyone worth his or her weight in Reese Buttercups knew that this day would eventually come to pass. It was a gut feeling to all that have fought the battle of the bulge for four or more successive decades.

News Item: So-called medical "experts" have determined that overweight folks have a lower death rate than people who are normal weight, underweight or obese.

New York Times:

Caution: This revelation is being peddled by the same oafs who devised those idiotic insurance height-weight charts that made instant billionaires out of weight loss clinics, but who have contributed little or nothing to the overall health of the American public.

That's right, the same goons who warned that 'love handles' are precursors to an early and painful death now sound a new alarm. Namely, not having fat reserves can lead to--an early and painful death!

This breaking news, the equivalent of Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation to the pleasantly plump, is way over due. Considering the human misery involved, some fat bigots regard those height-weight charts to be nearly as onerous as slavery!

Ironically, a skinny southern attorney may be just what millions of modestly overweight Americans need to cure the harm suffered at the hands of terrorists with stethoscopes and height-weight charts, i.e., medical doctors.

Once John Edwards admits that there is a greater likelihood that he will be elected to replace Pakistan's Pervez Musharraf than becoming President of the United States, John-John will immediately abandon politics in favor of chasing ambulances and putting medical doctors out of business.

In other words, Edwards will listen to his inner child and return to his first love: Suing doctors. This time, Edwards will target physicians guilty of using the "W" word--weight--against unsuspecting patients.

Edwards can be counted on to file a trillion-dollar class action lawsuit on behalf of millions of Americans victimized by fatphobia, a malady found in the office of nearly every physician who practices Internal Medicine.

North Carolina's very own will seek compensation for hundreds of billions of dollars wasted on self-deluding treachery such as:

* Commercial weight loss clinics, fat farms and self-help clubs.

* Membership fees paid to pricey exercise oases by victims whose only exercise comes from writing checks to pay extravagant membership fees.

* Treadmills, rowing machines, stair masters and other exotic anti-fat machines that otherwise sane people purchase but rarely use, except after unholy eating binges.

* Lifestyle coaches who, given their lean frames, are now the endangered ones.

* Prescription drugs designed to kill one's appetite, but which often kill the patient as well.

* No-fat and Reduced-fat products, better known for being 'No Taste.'

* Tailoring to take in/ let out, take in/let out, take in/ let out, and on and on and on, to accommodate constantly changing clothing sizes, and

* Hundreds of millions of cartons of spoiled cottage cheese, bought with good intent, but trashed in favor of pizza, popcorn, and hot fudge sundaes craved by starving dieters.

With John Edwards on the case, disenfranchised dieters can rest assured that they will get their day in court.

And after John-John deducts his legal fees from the several trillion dollars awarded by the jury, each and every modestly overweight person in America should wind up with enough change to buy at least one (small) Reese Buttercup for the holidays!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

What If Monica Lewinski Had Been An Illegal Alien?

By John W. Lillpop

By most accounts, at least those originating with leftists and or Clinton family members, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is one of the smartest, if not the absolute smartest, member of the U.S. Congress. And that includes past, present, and future congresses.

Given Ms. Clinton's reputed brilliance, one would expect her to be able to answer a simple question during an important debate. The question was "Do you support Governor Eliot Spitzer's plan to grant diver's licenses to illegal aliens?"

Yes or no?

At the heart of the question looms a much larger issue. Namely, do you support the rule of law? Or are you shamelessly pandering to illegal aliens in order to curry favor with Hispanics?

Yes or no?

Hillary exceeded all expectations by answering Yes and No, at the same time. She was against licenses for illegals before she was for it--90 seconds later.

Even her Democrat opponents, no strangers to word parsing and evasive answers, were astounded by Hillary's vague non- answer.

Nearly a week later, Hillary and her advisors are still trying to put the best spin on her debate performance. Declining poll numbers have added urgency.

"I wasn't at my best the other night," Clinton told CNN's Candy Crowley.

She added, "I think that if you go back and look at the complexity of this issue, I don’t think a lot of these hard questions lend themselves to raising your hand."


Complexity of the issue? Why does that sound hauntingly familiar?

Alas, Hillary's double talk sounds suspiciously like Bill Clinton's "Depends what the definition of Is Is," while Slick Willie was perjuring himself and obstructing justice.

The correct answer is the one offered by Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Conn.) and favored by 77 percent of Hillary's fellow New Yorkers.

Namely, hell NO! Do not grant driver's licenses to criminals. Case closed.

A number of follow-up questions should be posed to Senator Clinton, including these:

If the question about whether or not to enforce domestic immigration law is complex, how do you plan to handle international matters like the never ending war between Israel and the Palestinians?

Do you feel up to the task of sorting out interwoven and tangled world affairs involving diverse nations such as Iran, Iraq, Syria, Russia, Turkey, and China? Will you be able to defend America's interests in a variety of locations all across the globe?

Can you gain the respect and support of the United States military?

And finally, the really Big Question: If Monica Lewinski had been an illegal alien back in 1998, would you have supported granting her a driver's license?

These questions are essential to understanding Hillary better, and must be answered to the satisfaction of we the people!

Oprah's 'Soft Landing' In the U.S. Media

By John W. Lillpop

When the 'Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls' was established in South Africa, America's foremost talk show host reveled in praise and adulation from the liberal media. It was almost as though this humble black girl from Tennessee had transcended the collective goodwill of the Virgin Mother and Mother Teresa, all in one fell swoop.

Oprah thus became the unchallenged Queen of Good. A model for all compassionate governments to emulate, she was the hostess with the mostest, and a billionaire with heart.

Those initial press clippings have turned decidedly less positive as a result of recent allegations of sexual assault and physical violence visited upon pupils at Oprah's academy.

Understand that no one is accusing Oprah of being directly involved in any of the shenanigans. Still, the academy is her baby as they say, and she should be held accountable.

After all, the 'Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls' was supposed to provide hope to 'underprivileged' young girls.

To naive right wing nut cases, sexual assault and violence should not be in the school curriculum for young girls, underprivileged or not. And rather than 'Leadership Academy,' a more appropriate name would be 'Perversion Prep.'

But rather than being excoriated for whatever her role might be in the Johannesburg scandal, Oprah has been exalted as the real victim of the fondling and head smashing episodes. To hear the media tell it, Oprah has suffered more pain than all the pupils who were actually assaulted. Combined!

To put Oprah's soft landing in perspective, imagine for a moment that the kerfuffel had involved a conservative, pro-family champion like Phyllis Schlafly.

If Phyllis Schlafly were in a position even remotely similar to that of Oprah, the media would be tripping over themselves with BREAKING NEWS! headlines, leaving absolutely no doubt as to Schlafly's guilt.

Leftist pundits would be speculating about when Schlafly would actually be escorted out of her home in handcuffs. The best and brightest media reporters and technicians would camp 24/7 outside the Schlafly mansion hopeful of recording the thugess in a much-deserved perk walk off to jail.

A Panel of 'experts,' convened under the objective banner of Nutball host Chris Matthews, would pontificate about whether Phyllis Schlafly would be likely to get a sentencing break because of her advanced age and obvious dementia. Obvious because of her conservative politics, of course.

Nutball experts would also speculate about where the withered old Schlafly would spend her final days--in a minimum security play ground for demented seniors, or in the cell vacated by drug king pin and mass murderer Frank Lucas after the filming of American Gangsters was complete?

Oprah: A victim with a billion dollars in her checking account and a tear in her eye. Schlafly: Heartless thug about to get her just rewards.

Still, there is no liberal bias in the media, right?

Friday, November 02, 2007

You Have Never Used the “N” Word? Can You Prove That?

By John W. Lillpop

Until quite recently, Duane "Dog" Chapman would have probably denied ever using the "N" word.

Emphatically, and with righteous indignation, no doubt.

Unfortunately for the world renowned bounty hunter, his son Tucker taped a telephone conversation in which Dog repeatedly used the N word, interrupted only by an occasional F bomb, all directed at Tucker's girlfriend.

Thus, plausible deniability is not an option here. As I see it, Dog has the following options:

-Claim that he is an aspiring "rapper" and was simply rehearsing the lyrics for what he hopes will be a major musical hit, or

- Join the University of Delaware faculty as Resident Racist in the "All Whites Are Racists" program, or

-Move to Mexico, hire Vicente Fox as political consultant, and run for el presidente.

Chapman has already exhausted the most common steps one typically tries in order to weasel out from under this kerfuffel:

1. Claimed that he was 'disappointed' in his son's choice of a friend, not due to her race, but her character.

So, the N word is a statement about character, not race?

Terrific--can the Dog produce other tapes in which he used the N word when referring to non-blacks?

2. Had his attorney state that Dog is not a racist and vowed never to use the word again.

Not racist, by what definition? The one in the Dummies Guide to Noose Shopping and Cross Burning?

Heaven knows, I do not advocate the use of racial slurs on any occasion, for any purpose. But before we crucify Dog on C-Span, a bit of reflection seems in order.

To begin with, who among us can truthfully state that he/she has never uttered the N word?

From personal experience, I shall always remember mentioning to an uncle how excited I was at the prospect of seeing Willie Mays play in San Francisco. My uncle took the wind out of my sails when he bluntly asked “He’s a N*****, ain’t he?”

My face turned a deep, deep purple at this racist denigration of a baseball hero, and my speechless embarrassment brought about great hilarity among my cousins who were obviously accustomed to their father’s indelicate language.

Later in life, while reading a biography of President Harry S. Truman titled Plain Speaking, I was astonished to learn that the thirty-third President of the United States used the N word regularly. But Truman was also credited with integrating the U.S. armed forces at a time when doing so was not the PC thing to do.

Lyndon Johnson, the thirty-seventh President of the United States, was also allegedly one to drop an N bomb now and again. Of course, President Johnson was instrumental in getting the Civil Rights Act of 1964 signed into law.

So, before castigating Dog completely, one should answer the question, "You Have Never Used the N Word?"

And the more important follow-up query, "Can you prove that?

Good News Abounds!

By John W. Lillpop

Yes, the news can be frightening what with Iran working to acquire the nuclear bomb, the sub-prime loan crisis, drought in the southeast, another debate by the Democrats, the ascension of Mike Huckabee, and George W. Bush's relentless pursuit of legacy politics.

Still, there is some good news, provided one is willing to hunt for it.

Consider these 10 items:

1. American casualties in Iraq fall dramatically as coalition forces move to win the war that Harry Reid dubbed "lost."

2. Hillary Clinton exposed as a truth adverse, 60s something leftist who is more concerned about illegal aliens (the Hispanic vote) than she is about the well being and security of American citizens.

More Hillary: Her refusal to release files documenting her "experience" in the White House confirms Clinton's obsession with secrecy and fear of transparency.

3. Illegal still means ILLEGAL in Oklahoma!

4. French President Sarkozy walks out on Leslie Stahl during 60 Minutes, thereby salvaging the French fry as an American favorite and restoring a semblance of respectability to France and the French people.

5. To the dismay of Senator Barbara Boxer, California Lt. Governor John Garamendi, and countless other liberals, the wildfires in Southern California contained without redeploying 160,000 troops from Iraq to San Diego!

6. Despite predictions that the global warming crisis would cause several devastating storms, zero hurricanes made it to the U.S. mainland in 2007!

7. Rush Limbaugh exposes Harry Reid as a small minded, vindictive twit, all too emblematic of the anti-troops, anti-American left.

8. California Rep Pete Stark (D-Calif.) pleads insanity for his insane behavior on the floor of the U.S. House.

9. Common sense prevails in court of law as the children of Britney Spears are rescued from her alcohol and drug induced world of insanity, and

10. Don Imus returns to airwaves. (Go to hell, Al Sharpton!)

Each of these items proves that common sense is not dead and that good news is still there for those willing to search.