satirebylillpop is a site dedicated to seeing humor in the crazy world in which we find ourselves. Politicians are the primary targets, but sports figures, movie stars and others are victimized when appropriate--and funny!

Friday, January 30, 2009

ANOTHER Tax Cheat at the Right Hand of CHANGE?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

If Barack Obama were hiring people to serve under him in governing Illinois, he would be expected to hire tax cheats, pay-to-play crooks, and other criminals known to be lacking in ethics, honesty, integrity, and mortality.

However, Barack Obama is supposed to be hiring honorable, honest and decent public servants to serve in the cabinet of the President of the United Sates.

As reported, in part, by ABC News (Reference 1), the new president seems to be having difficulty in locating worthy Democrats to serve in his administration:

"ABC News has learned that the nomination of former Senator Majority Leader Tom Daschle, D-S.D., to be President Obama's Secretary of Health and Human Services has hit a traffic snarl on its way through the Senate Finance Committee.

"The controversy deals with a car and driver lent to Daschle by a wealthy Democratic friend, a chauffeur service the former senator used for years without declaring it on his taxes.

"During the vetting process to become HHS secretary, Daschle corrected the tax violation, voluntarily paying $101,943 in back taxes plus interest, working with his accountant to amend his tax returns for 2005 through 2007.

"This is the second Cabinet nominee of President Obama's to face questions of tax malfeasance. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner paid more than $34,000 in taxes during his vetting process for income earned at the International Monetary Fund. Earlier, Commerce Secretary nominee Bill Richardson withdrew his name from consideration after reports of a federal investigation involving whether his office engaged in pay to play, a charge Richardson denied."

Note, please, the significance of the Daschle tax cheat numbers: The dude paid $101,943 in back taxes and interest for three years.

For some American families, having a three-year income of $101,943 would be a thrill!

Still there is an upside to all of this.

If Obama continues to nominate Democrat sleaze balls for important government jobs, and those sleaze balls continue to cough up big bucks to settle old tax cheating debts, America may have found a painless and entertaining way to reduce the budget deficit.

Reference 1:

Nancy Pelosi Discusses Family Planning and Jobs

Satire By John W. Lillpop

This reporter recently caught up with Speaker Nancy Pelosi who graciously agreed to the following interview during which we discussed family planning, abortion, the birth of Octuplets in Southern California, and jobs.

The text of that interview follows:

John Lillpop:

Greetings, Speaker Pelosi. Congratulations on your reelection, greatly expanded majority in the U.S. House, and a liberal Democrat in the White House! Democrats have it all their way these days!

Speaker Pelosi:

Oh, thank you John! I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I am that George W. Bush has finally gotten out of town. I feel sorry for the state of Texas, but what can you do?

John Lillpop:

Speaker Pelosi, the House of Representatives passed an Economic Stimulus bill that will cost American taxpayers close to one trillion dollars. One of the more controversial items in the plan is $350 million dollars for family planning.

George Stephanopolis asked you what that expenditure has to do with creating jobs. Can you elaborate for my readers, and relate it to the birth of the Octuplets in California?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, to begin with, if those children were born in October--you did say they were Octuplets, right?--I wonder why we are we just now hearing about them?

John Lillpop:

Actually, I believe that Octuplets means there were eight babies born to one woman at the same time, Speaker Pelosi.

Speaker Pelosi:

Eight? I thought someone said 14?

John Lillpop:

Well, the woman already had six at home and with the eight new born she now has 14.

Speaker Pelosi:

She already had six and wanted eight more? What the hell is she, some gap-toothed, Bible thumping, pro-life nut ball?

Where exactly in California is this scam artist from?

John Lillpop:

Let's see...OK, she is from Whittier. Southern California.

Speaker Pelosi:

I knew it, I knew it!

You realize that "Tricky Dick"," that sleazy Republican Quaker felon was from Whittier, right?

John Lillpop:

I am sorry, Madam Speaker. What does Richard Nixon have to do with the eight babies in a hospital in Whittier?

Speaker Pelosi:

The question everyone should be asking is, "Why have those eight right-wing babies been allowed to tie up hospital beds and medical services since October?"

We have tens of millions of illegal aliens from Mexico who need to be hospitalized for all sorts of ailments, most caused by drinking the putrid water down there, or by drinking way too much beer here.

Yet, here we have this English-speaking, self-centered, pro-life conservative who hogs medical facilities desperately needed for the poor and destitute.

It's so sad!

John Lillpop:

I am still not following you, Speaker Pelosi. What do the Octuplets have to do with stimulating the economy and creating jobs?

Speaker Pelosi:

It is as plain as the mole on Obama's face, John.

George Bush trashed the American economy by making the rich even richer. He left progressive Democrats to deal with the most serious downturn since the Great Depression.

Simply put, now is not the time for single mothers to be having Octuplets.

In order to turn the failed Bush economy around, we need a few hundred billion dollars to bail out innocent young ladies who get knocked up before Obama has had time to lead us into the promised land.

Under my plan, that young woman in Whittier would have been forced to go to Planned Parenthood for counseling the moment she realized she was pregnant.

What do you think Planned Parenthood would have counseled? Here you have a single mom already responsible for six rug rats with another eight itching to pop out.

It is really a non-brainer, even for a conservative.

You have to snuff at least six, perhaps seven, of the fetuses and try to keep the mother out of heat for at least the next 10 years.

John Lillpop:

But wouldn't that be state-sponsored murder?

Speaker Pelosi:

Murder? Hell no!

Murder is when you send 5,000 American kids to their deaths in Iraq because your dyslexic alcoholic president is having the DTs and sees weapons of mass destruction that simply do not exist.

THAT is murder!

John Lillpop:

I understand your point, Speaker. The latest news is that the mother in Whittier is bankrupt, or her family is, and she is seeking millions in bail out money from the stimulus funds. How do you feel about that?

Speaker Pelosi:

This is exactly why we are in such trouble in America. That woman needs to take personal responsibility for herself and her offspring.

Supporting 14 bastard kids from a right-wing slut is not the job of the government because it has nothing to do with jobs. Why is that so hard for conservatives to understand?



Thursday, January 29, 2009

Illinois Senate Votes 59-0 to Dump Guv; Blago Demands Recount!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Proving conclusively that insufferable arrogance can coexist with debilitating stupidity in one overly hairy human skull, former Illinois Governor Rod R. Blagojevich officially joined the ranks of the unemployed this afternoon.

Or to be more precise, "Unemployable," at least when it comes to working for government in Illinois.

With the entire world watching on C-Span, the Illinois Senate redeemed the state and its politicians, at least partially, from the massive ridicule heaped on the Land of Lincoln ever since Blagojevich was arrested outside his home by the FBI, and later nominated for a Guinness World record for the most "F" bombs dropped in a single wire-tapped telephone conservation by a sitting governor in a presidential election year.

Blagojevich shrugged off the unanimous verdict against him with these clever words: "This is a complete travesty of justice. I know of at least 25 rock-solid NO votes in that chamber, each one paid for with cash money."

"There will be an investigation and I will restore my good name," the unemployed Democrat promised while waiting in line to file a claim for unemployment benefits in downtown Springfield.

"I am no Richard Nixon and I am not a crook," continued the erstwhile governor who failed to note that at least Richard Nixon had the decency to resign before being shredded to pieces by due process and rule of law.

Asked what his plans were for the future, Blagojevich hinted that he may write a book, perhaps a detailed "tell-all" about his relationship with President Obama and Rahm Emanuel.

Among possible titles, Blago mentioned "Sins of the Messiah" and "Sins of the Messiah and His F****** Jew Buddy" as being on his short list.

When asked how much of an advance he expected, Blago said that he was considering bids from two world-class publishers out of New York, along with a very attractive offer from a consortium in Washington, D.C. willing to pay big bucks for Blago to drop the book idea altogether.



Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Brewing Boston Tea in California

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Rarely has the California Franchise Tax Board saved me money. In fact, I usually end up sending the vipers and crooks running our state a few hundred dollars (or more) in taxes owed around this time of year.

This year is different. Dramatically so.

That is so because California is so broke that tax refunds are now on hold for the first time in state history.

How does that benefit me, you ask, since I usually have to make up an underpayment, rather than receive a refund?

It has to do with deductive logic.

Since the state of California refuses to refund money to those who have paid too much in taxes, why shouldn't those of us whom have underpaid be entitled to do to California that which California is doing to those foolish enough to overpay?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander, what goes around comes around, and banalities like that?

Inspired by that epiphany, I filed my 2008 California income tax return and included the following cover letter:

January 28, 2009

Franchise Tax Board
Fresno, Californian

Dear Sir, Madam, or Undecided:

Attached please find my fully executed California 540 Income Tax Return for the year ended December 31, 2008.

As indicated on Page 2, $2,306.23 is owed in unpaid taxes. In years gone by, a check in that amount would have been dutifully attached to settle my tax liability.

However, in view of the state's $42 billion deficit and the onerous policy of arbitrarily withholding refund payments, I have concluded that California can no longer be trusted with large sums of taxpayer money.

Accordingly, I am withholding $2,306.23 from the state treasury until such time as the governor and the legislature achieve a balanced budget without raising taxes or playing word games by calling taxes "revenue enhancers" or other such nonsense.

A simple means test applies here: If "it" results in more cash flowing into the hands of the corrupt retards known as Democrat politicians, "it" is a damn tax. Period!

Denying liberals tax dollars is like keeping pedophiles away from scantily clothed children--it just does not get much better!

Historians will ultimately see my stand as a bold act of patriotism, a selfless gesture taken to advance the interests of millions of hard-working people who live, work, and play in California.

I am confident that future generations will thank me for brewing Boston Tea in California!

In closing, I remain sincerely opposed to any and everything that dunderheads "working" in government do!

John W. Lillpop
San Jose Ca

Only a Weak Woman or Eunuch Would Lament a 100-0 Win!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

OK, I can understand starting a third world war over a basketball game that ends 100-0.

That makes perfect sense and is morally and legally justified when one is on the losing team!

That same mindset makes absolutely no sense--zero, NADA, none--for the winning team.

However, as reported by SOP, reference 1, that is exactly what happened when a women's basketball team plundered their opponent by that lusty score.

From SOP, in part, this:

"Volley, in the title, would seem to have given away the sport, in which the two teams played, but you`d have been wrong and drives toward the hoop of righteousness would come off too contrived.

"But the Christian private academy the Covenant School in Dallas, did just that after their Girls` Varsity Basketball team annihilated an opponent 100 to nothing. To clear their own conscience, the school publicly apologized for humiliating their opponents a week after the blowout and sought to have the win stricken from their record."

Clearly, this school has been feminized to the maximum, making it virtually non-competitive.

Think about it: How in the hell is a team supposed to play to win if it must constantly ask, "Was that last fast break really necessary," or "With our large lead, shouldn't I miss both free throws so as not to harm the self-esteem of the gals on the other team?"

Egad, man, that is the purpose of the game!

Drive your opponent into the ground, thrash every ounce of confidence from their souls, and make them feel as worthless as cow dung lying in the middle of the road during a 100 degree heat wave in Texas.

Kill, destroy, ruin, demolish, devastate, and slaughter are words that capture the spirit involved in American competitive sports.

Only a wuss (female) or gelded eunuch would think otherwise!


Obama's Secret Offer to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Satire by John W. Lillpop

President Obama rocked all of Washington and the world with his latest overture to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
As reported, in part, by Presstv (Reference 1):

"It is important for us to be willing to talk to Iran, to express very clearly where our differences are, but (also) where there are potential avenues for progress," said President Obama in his first interview with an Arab television since taking office."

Obama's public statements were expanded on via a private memo.

Although that memo is a highly classified, top secret state document, unnamed sources leaked it to this reporter with the understanding that its contents not be divulged until March 1, 2009.

Thus, in keeping with the high standards for journalistic integrity established by the New York Times, the memo is reproduced in its entirety, below:


January 27,2009

From the Office of President Barack Obama

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Tehran, Iran

Dear Mahmoud:

In the name of Allah and all that is love and goodness, I bring forth greetings and salutations from the great Satan of the west, America the evil.

Forgiveness is sought for the English language in this correspondence. I have ordered my staff to make Arabic the official White House language, but sometimes change comes too slowly to those who believe in fair tales like the Holocaust, Jesus Christ, and the superiority of western culture and values.

It takes time, Mahmoud, but we have a righteous wind at our backs and according to my Vice President, "We are off and running, but it will get worse."

With Joe Biden free to roam about, one can almost guarantee that things will get worse.

But, back to my main reason for writing.

To demonstrate the importance of Iran to my administration, you are the first world leader that I have contacted.

Mainstream media outlets may report otherwise, but understand that fawns in the American media publish exactly what I order them to, irrespective of the facts.

Trust me, my esteemed partner, you dudes in Iran are Numero Uno (that is Mexican, the second official language in the White House) in my black heart and mind.

Which is why I am prepared to make the following generous offer in the name of Allah so that the United States and the Islamic Republic of Iran may live in peace and harmony forever, or until Mahdi, your twelfth imam, emerges from a well and takes over the world for Islam.

My offer:

Nuclear Program:

America is not opposed to your great nation having nuclear weapons, Mahmoud. Our only concern is that those nukes do not interrupt the supply of oil, or cause a spike in gasoline prices, especially right before the 2010 elections and again in 2012 when, Allah willing, I will run for reelection as president of what is left of the United States.

By the way, you may have heard that I took the Oath of Office a second time, without media witnesses. What you probably did not know is that the second swearing-in was with my left hand on the Koran!

Praise be to Allah!

Back to the nukes: Just point them buggers at China and Russia and there will no complaints from D.C., although Zionists in Israel may lose sleep--but who cares?

In Exchange:

Agree to the conditions identified above, and we will reciprocate as follows:

1. Rush Limbaugh, America's minister of hate propaganda and holdover from the evil Bush theocracy, will be arrested and deported to Iran for reprogramming through water boarding or public stoning, whichever is in the best interests of advancing Sharia throughout the infidel world.

2. Brothers released from Gutanamao Bay will be shipped directly to sleeper cells in Detroit and San Francisco where they will be trained to blow up the Pentagon and the White House, Allah willing.

Fret not for this soldier in the Religion of Peace, because when the attacks are launched, Michelle and I shall be resting at Camp Mahmoud (Camp David was renamed at 2 AM, January 21, between balls) where we will be safe from those sleeper cell bozos.

3. Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C., headquarters to 534 of the most corrupt, stupid, and unclean creeps in America will be renamed "Infidel Alley" to reflect the shame and sin so common here.

Note: There is only one fellow on Infidel Alley, a Muslim chap named Keith Ellison, who loves peace and truth.

There it is, Mahmoud. A fair and decent offer based on our shared objective: Eradication of old school notions like Democracy and freedom, to be replaced by the joy and light found only in Sharia law.

Trusting that you will respond in the affirmative, I remain your brother in Jihad and Twitter.



Reference 1:§ionid=3510203

Monday, January 26, 2009

Nancy Pelosi: Progressive Dogma Needed to Stimulate Economy!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

According to Speaker Nancy Pelosi, U.S. taxpayers need to spend several hundred million dollars on birth control in order to help stimulate the depressed economy.

As reported, in part, on the Drudge Report, Reference 1:

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi boldly defended a move to add birth control funding to the new economic "stimulus" package, claiming "contraception will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government."

"Pelosi, the mother of 5 children and 6 grandchildren, who once said, "Nothing in my life will ever, ever compare to being a mom," seemed to imply babies are somehow a burden on the treasury.

The revelation came during an exchange Sunday morning on ABC's THIS WEEK.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services. How is that stimulus?

PELOSI: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those - one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government. "


Pelosi's unique thoughts for dealing with the economic crisis may spawn a whole new era of progressive and not-so-progressive economic solutions such as:

War is hell, but it works!

America recovered from the Great Depression, not because of President Roosevelt's "new deal" of socialism and big government, but because of his behind the scenes finageling that dragged America into World War 11.

Bullets, tanks, war ships, fighter planes, and shipping hundreds of thousands of young men and women over seas saved America in the 1940s and the same strategy can do so again.

President Obama needs to reinstate the draft and start two or three wars as soon as possible!

Guns Kill--and That is Good for the Economy!

One of the greatest obstacles to free market growth and economic expansion is the anti-gun thinking of left wing nut balls like Nancy Pelosi.

After all, increased gun sales mean more shooting deaths and a bigger bang for the stimulus buck.

Eliminate all federal, state, and local controls on gun sales and ownership and watch the economy go Boom!

Drunk Driving--Your Patriotic Duty!

Drunk driving resulting in fatal crashes can be a real win-win for the American economy, especially when the drunk driver wipes out himself and several innocent, non-tax paying leeches in one horrific mess.

Intellectuals like Nancy Pelosi should encourage widespread drunk driving by running catchy national slogans like this:

"Drunk Driving causes fatal car crashes which stimulate the economy. Do your part by drinking and driving as much as possible, especially in crowded residential areas!"

Addition by Subtraction: The Case for Abortion!

With the economy in turmoil, unemployment sky high, and home foreclosures out pacing new home construction and sales, responsible progressives need to promote abortion as an alternative to bankruptcy.

In this scenario, Nancy Pelosi should deliver a personal message to American women facing pregnancy and bankruptcy at the same time. A spot featuring the bug-eyed grandma would work wonders with the following monologue:

"Hello, I am Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives.

"I know that many pregnant women are worried about how they will support a new baby without a job and with credit cards maxed out.

"Relax. We Democrats are here to help you make it through these tough economic times.

"Democrats are compassionate people who care about the average Josephine and her financial issues. Which is why I am pleased to announce that the economic stimulus bill includes an abortion bail out that may solve all of your problems.

"For pregnant Catholic girls, rest assured that the Catholic Fathers have never really decided when life begins, so this is not a matter that will in any way impact your right to Holy Communion or your good standing in the Church.

"Best of all, federal abortion funding is now available!


There you go, a simple but effective set of actions that the government can take to shake of this hideous economic downturn!

Reference 1:

Sunday, January 25, 2009

VP Biden: "We Are Off and Running, But Its Going to Get Worse"

Satire by John W. Lillpop

For just over $600,000 a year, the American people have secured the services of a president and vice president tandem that is virtually indistinguishable from some of the greatest heroes and stars coming out of Hollywood these days.

Think about it: In President Barack Obama, America has employed the Dark Knight as Commander-in-chief and for only $400,000 a year.

With Joe Biden hanging out around the White House, we the people get the Joker for the rock-bottom price of $208,100 a year.

Such a deal, already!

Vice President Biden showed why his Secret Service code name is King Faux Pas with this dilly:

"We're off and running, but its going to get worse before it gets better," Biden said.

Someone should have asked King Faux Pas this obvious follow up question: "Why not stop running until you are sure that you are headed in the right direction and not making things worse by running the wrong way?"

Of course, objective journalists in the liberal media would never get so cheeky with a major disciple of the new age Messiah. Doing so would be offensive and probably racist as well.

Excerpts from the report at Yahoonews (Reference 1):

WASHINGTON – The White House warned Sunday that the country could face a long and painful financial recovery, even with major government intervention to stimulate the economy and save financial institutions.

"We're off and running, but it's going to get worse before it gets better," said Vice President Joe Biden, taking the lead on a theme echoed by other Democratic officials on the Sunday talk shows.

"At the end of the Obama administration's first week, the party in power at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue sought to lower expectations for a quick fix despite legislation expected to pass by next month that would pump billions of dollars into the economy. Democrats also opened the door for even more government aid to struggling banks beyond the $700 billion bailout already in the pipeline."

"These problems weren't made in a day or a week or a month or even a year, and they're not going to get solved that fast," said Lawrence Summers, a top economic adviser to Obama. "So even as we move to be as rapid as we can in jolting the economy and giving it the push forward it needs, we also have to be mindful of having the right kind of plan that will carry us forward over time."

"Republicans want the recovery package tilted more toward tax cuts and have questioned whether government spending programs will revive the economy in the short-term.

"I just think there's a lot of slow-moving government spending in this program that won't work," House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio said. "We can't borrow and spend our way back to prosperity."

Clearly, John Boehner has not seen the Dark Knight and is unaware of the magical powers that Barack Obama brings to the Oval Office.

Or to quote an intellectual, who works for Obama as an ACORN volunteer, "YES WE CAN!"

Reference 1:

News Shocker: Freed Gitmo Thugs Back in Business with Al-Quaeda!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Just as President Obama finished drafting Executive Orders to close Guantanamo Bay, outlaw torture, and otherwise make the world a kinder, gentler place for murderous Islamofascists, an unexpected outbreak of inconvenient truth blasted through the fog of delusion and denial which has blanketed the White House since 12:01 PM, eastern time, on January 20, 2009.

Only a free ticket to Caroline Kennedy's U.S. Senate swearing in ceremony and subsequent inaugural balls would make less sense than BHO's untimely, but predictable, actions with regard to Hotel Gitmo.

As reported by AFP at reference 1, in part:

"WASHINGTON (AFP) — Two men released from the US "war on terror" prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba have appeared in a video posted on a jihadist website, the SITE monitoring service reported.

One of the two former inmates, a Saudi man identified as Abu Sufyan al-Azdi al-Shahri, or prisoner number 372, has been elevated to the senior ranks of Al-Qaeda in Yemen, a US counter-terrorism official told AFP.

Three other men appear in the video, including Abu al-Hareth Muhammad al-Oufi, identified as an Al-Qaeda field commander. SITE later said he was prisoner No. 333.

"We remain concerned about ex-Guantanamo detainees who have re-affiliated with terrorist organizations after their departure," said Gordon.
"We will continue to work with the international community to mitigate the threat they pose," he said.

On the video, al-Shihri is seen sitting with three other men before a flag of the Islamic State of Iraq, the front for Al-Qaeda in Iraq.

"By Allah, imprisonment only increased our persistence in our principles for which we went out, did jihad for, and were imprisoned for," al-Shihri was quoted as saying.

Al-Shiri was transferred from Guantanamo to Saudi Arabia in 2007, the US counter-terrorism official said.

The other men in the video are identified as Commander Abu Baseer al-Wahayshi and Abu Hureira Qasm al-Rimi (also known as Abu Hureira al-Sana'ani).

The Defense Department has said as many as 61 former Guantanamo detainees -- about 11 percent of 520 detainees transferred from the detention center and released -- are believed to have returned to the fight.

The latest case highlights the risk the new US administration faces as it moves to empty Guantanamo of its remaining 245 prisoners and close the controversial detention camp within a year. "


Asked to comment, a top Obama official said,

"President Obama is keeping his promise to bring Change to America. He did not promise that all change would be good--this may be a rare instance of "bad" change. Still as the president said so cleverly the other day, He Won and He trumps! Get over it, dude!"

And so it is as the Obama-ization of America continues unabated!

Reference 1

Friday, January 23, 2009

Obama Targets Real Threats: Rush Limbaugh, Unborn Fetuses!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

In yet another bold move in a week of unprecedented executive action by an inexperienced community organizer in the White House, President Barack Obama abandoned several "old school" concerns harbored by the Bush administration in order to properly address more urgent threats.

Specifically, President Obama announced that his administration has managed to isolate Osama bin Laden to a few "hot spots" where terrorists are known to congregate, thereby taking the bin Laden crisis off the president's Urgent Action calendar.

When pressed for details, the president referred the press to CIA Director Leon Pinetta who explained that the "hot spots" include Baghdad's "green zone," Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Egypt, Somalia, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and other Muslim states known to be sympathetic to the CEO of global Islamofascism.

Pinetta also indicated that sleeper cell neighborhoods in Detroit and South Chicago might be "of interest" in locating OBL, although further action would be dependent on convincing BHO to supersede his first Executive Order which dismantled W.'s unconstitutional, illegal, immoral, and secretive domestic wiretapping apparatus.

On a more cheery note, Pinetta declared that reports which allege that Osama bin Laden works as a fund raiser for CAIR in downtown Washington, D.C., at 1700 Pennsylvania Avenue, are "completely false and not worthy of further action or comment by the CIA or other federal law enforcement agency."

With Osama-mania effectively muted, President Obama rolled up his sleeves and tackled some of the more critical issues on the day.

Namely, BHO took on Rush Limbaugh, Republicans who listen to El Rushbo, and unborn fetuses, those incorrigible rascals waiting to pop out and destroy the environment, the global economy, and the world's food and water supplies.

As a result, Limbaugh, Republican listeners, and the unborn got a taste of presidential wrath of the type normally seen when a nasty boil shows up on the president's bum, or when a lingering hang over, brought on by not having enough balls to say no to at least some of the balls spinning out of control in the wee morning hours, continues to haunt America's main man several days later.

As reported by the New York Post and repeated below, in part:

"President Obama warned Republicans on Capitol Hill today that they need to quit listening to radio king Rush Limbaugh if they want to get along with Democrats and the new administration.

"You can't just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done," he told top GOP leaders, whom he had invited to the White House to discuss his nearly $1 trillion stimulus package."

With all due respect to the new president, getting "things done" is not in the best interests of America when the "things" are harmful to homeland security, national defense, the economy, and traditional family values.

Perhaps President Obama should stop listening to out of touch people like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and other clue less liberals?

Instead, Mr. president, why not try to catch Rush's show which is on from 12-3 PM every day? Who knows, you might benefit from diversity of opinion and, with a little effort, might become the most famous "ditto head" in all of America!

President Obama also flashed a bit of competitive arrogance which indicates that he is probably better suited to arranging midnight basketball tournaments than serving as America's commander-in-chief.

From the New York Post, this additional information, in part:

"In an exchange with Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.) about the (stimulus) proposal, the president shot back: "I won," according to aides briefed on the meeting. "I will trump you on that."

"We are experiencing an unprecedented economic crisis that has to be dealt with and dealt with rapidly," Obama said during the meeting."

So, according to President Obama, in the event of an "unprecedented crisis" as defined by a Democrat president, the system of checks and balances built into our form of government is null and void?

Powers granted to the legislative and judicial branches of government under the Constitution are unilaterally trumped by the president when he has decided that he "won"?

Clearly, President Obama needs a crash course in Civics 101. Like three hours a day, from 12-3 PM, Eastern Time, for example.

All one needs, Mr. President, is an open mind and a reliable radio on which to listen to the man "with talent of loan from God, on a mission to educate and irritate liberals!"

Mega dittos, Mr. President!

President Obama: The New Age Messiah, Or the Dreaded Anti-Christ?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

President Barack Obama seems to have set the world on fire with his brilliant intelligence, captivating charm, inspiring oratory, and charisma.

By sheer coincidence (?), Obama seems to possess many of the traits attributed to the anti-Christ by those who research and analyze such things.

In particular, the following attributes, culled from a non-political source *, seem to match Obama quite well. (Attributes listed on the site that do not seem to match Obama are not shown below.)

Note: The site referenced does NOT state or infer that Obama is the anti-Christ, nor does it imply that the Marxist non-citizen might devolve into said rascal at some future date. In fact, Obama's name is not even mentioned.

Still, the match is striking.

According to the referenced site, the anti-Christ will among other things:

Rise from a sub-national leadership position

Community coordinator in Illinois?

Have powerful supporters helping him rise to power

Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffet, George Soros, Bill and Hillary Clinton, most members of the Kennedy clan, and approximately 99 percent of the African American population stand behind Obama.

A most powerful team!

Be shrewd, cunning, deceitful, and skilled in intrigue

Obama is even more: He is clean and articulate!

Be generally different or unique amongst politicians

His racial profile makes this a perfect match.

Be a great unifier who appeals to people across traditional lines

Even some conservatives are buying into Obama's act!

Be a Christian, at least by appearances

Notwithstanding Pastor Jeremiah Wright, Obama claims to be a Christian.

Be preceded by an aggressive warmonger who will forcefully depose two Middle Eastern governments

Even liberals with see the match with this one!

Arise from a great nation with unrivaled wealth and power

That just happens to be the good old United States of America, mates!

Perhaps all of this IS sheer coincidence.

Still, Obama bears careful watching, especially if he starts stamping 666 on the foreheads of adoring masses!


Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Troubled Mind of Nancy Pelosi: 10-Pound Anvil To Blame?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

While Speaker Nancy Pelosi was luxuriating in that 9 percent approval rating, most normal people wondered why the Dizzy Dame from San Francisco seemed so out of touch.

Ergo, what is there to celebrate about a nine- percent approval?

For those who need a refresher course in liberal insanity, Pelosi is the bug-eyed Lady who said the following, in part, on national television about when life begins, abortion, and teachings of the Catholic Church:

“As an ardent, practicing Catholic, this is an issue that I have studied for a long time. And what I know is, over the centuries, the doctors of the church have not been able to make that definition."

How can a person suffering from such obvious mental delusions be allowed to wander about unrestrained, much less be elected to high political office?

Medically speaking, how to explain the Pelosi conundrum? Early dementia? Late (very) change of life?

A partial answer may have been unearthed by liberal inmates masquerading as journalists at the San Francisco Chronicle.

As reported in reference 1, in part, the Speaker may have been suffering the effects of having a ten-pound anvil crushing up against her empty cranium:

"Pelosi said one of her favorite moments from Inauguration Day was when Marine One lifted off the Capitol grounds, signifying former President George W. Bush's exit from Washington. "It felt like a 10-pound anvil was lifted off my head."

There you go. Pelosi's incompetence and mindless liberalism can be traced to the root of all problems, past and present, and (as needed) future: George W. Bush.

For a fellow that liberals claim has the IQ of wild Texas tumbleweed, W. did quite a number on Nancy Pelosi and other intellectual air heads!

Thank you, former President Bush!

Reference 1:

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New York Governor Paterson Sees Through Caroline Kennedy!

By John W. Lillpop

Just when it seemed as though the world had gone completely wonky what with Barack Obama occupying the White House and Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid polluting Congress, New York's Governor David Paterson rushed in to save the day.

The legally blind Democrat (what in Hades is "illegally" blind?) let it be known that despite her name and money, Caroline Kennedy would NOT be replacing Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Senate.

Thus, we have the blind leading the sighted out of the wilderness of Liberal Lunacy into the sunshine of rational judgment.

As reported in the New York Post (1), in part:

"Caroline Kennedy tonight withdrew her name from consideration to replace Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Senate after learning that Gov. David Paterson wasn't going to choose her, The Post has learned.

"Kennedy's decision removes the highest-profile name in the ring to step into Clinton's now-vacant seat, as she departs after getting confirmed today as President Obama's Secretary of State."

So, who has Governor Paterson got his defective eyes on to fill this important seat?

In the Obama post-partisan era, this might work: George Allen, former U.S. Senator from Virginia, could become a carpet bagger, like Bobby Kennedy and Hillary Rodham Clinton from previous years, by moving to New York just to represent the state in the most deliberative body in the world.

Allen's conservative profile would counter-balance the leftist extremism coming from New York's remaining liberal menace, elitist Senator Charles Schumer.

A plea to Governor Paterson: Take this opportunity to bring real CHANGE to New York state by breaking free from the bondage of partisan bickering and pettiness.

In the name of tolerance, heed the clarion call and new vision from the brother in Washington, D.C., and deliver unto the United States Senate a healthy dose of new age diversity.

Do it in the name of Obamamania!

Reference 1:

Pop Quiz: Inauguration Media Coverage

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Although I was (thankfully) able to avoid most of the Obamania celebrations broadcast by the liberal media on January 20, there were circumstances beyond my control that left me vulnerable a few times throughout the dreary day.

For instance, when nature called, I rushed to the rest room only to discover that jumbo-sized plasma television screens were mounted everywhere. Tragically, all were tuned to CNN, CBS, or NBC.

Dreary and depressing stuff, that.

Because of too much coffee and a weak bladder, nature called early and often, exposing me to a form of torture that no conservative should have to endure.

Given the choice between being water boarded or forced to watch Katie Couric, Brian Williams, and the gang at CNN deify Barack Obama, my only question would be: My water or yours?

In the interest of providing children with a fair and balanced view of America's bold new era, the following pop quiz has been gleaned from liberal talking points seen on January 20, 2009:

1. President Obama is:

( ) More important than Jesus Christ and God
( ) The embodiment of the cumulative spirituality, intelligence, integrity, kindness, wisdom, honesty, goodness, and love found in the Twelve disciples and all of the Roman Catholic Popes
( ) Infallible and Holy
( ) All of the above

2. Joe Biden:

( ) Is Vice President AND Secretary of State
( ) Works as comedian AND court jester for the White House
( ) Wrote the 1929 Fireside Chat in which President Roosevelt calmed America's fears about the depression
( ) Operated the TV camera during that 1929 Chat which was beamed throughout America in digital HDTV and surround sound

3. Obama's election proves that:

( ) Any inexperienced and unqualified black kid with $750 million dollars, ACORN voter fraud connections, and a gaggle of worshipping liberal "journalists" on his side can grow up to be president
( ) Black racism combined with liberal guilt can overcome America's obsession with Democracy and vote integrity
( ) The ability to deliver "thrills running up and down" the legs of dim wit liberals is more important than logic and common sense
( ) The premature death of communism has been greatly exaggerated

4. President Obama's Inaugural Address:

( ) Is more sacred than the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and Bill of Rights combined
( ) Deserves to be added to the Holy Bible as "The Gospel According to Obama"
( ) Is the most important 18 minutes of breaking news from Washington, D.C. since Richard Nixon's secretary "accidentally" erased Tricky Dick's Watergate confession in 1972
( ) Should be re-broadcast before each NBA basketball game, replacing that tired, old school National Anthem
( ) Should be the subject of an Oliver Stone flick titled, "The Audacity of Hype!"

5. As a result of Obama's message, millions will:

( ) Replace "Ask What You Can Do For Your Country" with, "What can big government can do for me?" gibberish
( ) Join the US of A communist party
( ) Cancel private health insurance plans in anticipation of Universal Socialized Medicine
( ) Stop making mortgage payments to greedy, corrupt lenders
( ) Join ACORN's "Reelect Obama 2012" campaign

6. John Roberts' flub during the Oath of Office was:

( ) Blatant racism intended to confuse a person of color
( ) A sinister plot by Republicans to invalidate the Obama presidency since the Birth Certificate fiasco flopped
( ) A feeble, last ditch effort to make eight years of language abuse by George Bush seem more presidential
( ) A high-tech lynching of a black dude

7. January 20, 2009 will be remembered as:

( ) Obamamas--a new inclusive holiday to replace December 25, a non-inclusive pagan holiday celebrated by confused Christians to commemorate the birth of a Jew
( ) The day that that stagnant, old Bush on the White House grounds was pruned back and shipped to Texas
( ) The day on which being a citizen of the world became more important than being a citizen of the United States
( ) The date on which being helpless and reliant on others replaced self-reliance and success as American virtues.

In keeping with liberal dogma, there is no "failing", or other self-esteem-bashing element to this quiz. You finished the quiz, which is good enough for Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Karl Marx.

Best of all, there is no longer a need to be hard working, competent, resourceful, goal oriented, driven, prudent, austere, patriotic, cautious, or diligent.

From now on, all of your needs will be taken care of by the federal government and Democrat politicians, like it or not!

Welcome to the Obama Nation!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

W.'s Note to Barack Obama

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Following a ritual which has become a tradition in American politics, George W. Bush scribbled a farewell note to incoming President Barack Obama.

According to a report (reference 1) in Yahoonews, in part:

" Continuing a White House ritual, President George W. Bush left a note in the Oval Office for President-elect Barack Obama, wishing him well as he takes the reins of the executive branch.

"The White House on Tuesday declined to provide intimate details of the message the two-term Republican left for the incoming Democrat, saying only that Bush wrote it on Monday and left it in the top drawer of his desk."

Although the White House would not reveal details of the Bush note, unidentified and completely unreliable sources have leaked the contents which are repeated below:

Date: January 19
To: Barack Obama
From: W.

Yo!, B.O.!

I am leaving this mushy note because if I scribbled what Cheney wanted me to, it would probably piss you off and screw up our "agreement."

"That $350 billion bail out check is in the upper left hand drawer. I suggest you cash it ASAP because with Paulson in charge over at Treasury, Lord knows how much, if any, money is left in America's account.

"Cheney will attend the inaugural in a wheel chair as you requested. Don't quite understand how that is a metaphor for my administration, but we need those damn pardons!

"Once the check clears, FEDEX the pardon executive orders to me and Cheney. Do not tell Pelosi or Reid about until that damn check has cleared!

"There is lots going on in the world which is why I suggest you watch FOX news for all the latest. All of the other channels are biased so I had them removed from the cable set up.

"The trash and garbage are picked up first thing every Thursday morning. Recycled bottles, cans, and paper in the afternoon. Leave the containers on the Green curb just outside the Oval Office.

"Air Force One needs a tune-up and safety check as soon as possible--and as soon as you can pay for it. We used the 2009 Vehicle Maintenance budget to pay for my "surprise" visit to Iraq last month, so money is tight.

"You have a completely new crew of White House maids, cleaners, chefs, valets, and other service folk. We fired all the old black prunes and hired a bunch of old white prunes to take their places.

"It was Laura's idea--she said it would be an appropriate gesture to signal a new direction. Personally, I found it silly, but what the hell do I know?

"Oliver Stone has threatened to put a lien on the White House because he says I owe him $700,000 for going "soft" on me in his grade B flick, W.

"Ignore the silly goof ball--I would not have made the deal had I known that the movie would have been such a putrid flop.

"Other than wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the worst economic crisis in 80 years, the declining dollar, soaring unemployment, rock bottom consumer confidence, the war in Gaza, bankruptcy in Detroit, and new enemies in Russia, China, Latin America and all Muslim nations, I have tried to set it up so that your first 100 days are relatively stress free.

"After that you are on your own. It's called taking responsibility, B.O.!

"Best wishes and call Hillary if you need help. Forget Biden, the man is as dumb as mud. Did you see his slap down of his crazy wife? Did you really consider that fool for Secretary of State?


PS: Don't believe a word e-coli (Colin Powell) says. He called you a "house negro" behind you back!"

Reference 1

Sunday, January 18, 2009

"Jesus Freak" Kurt Warner Headed to Super Bowl 43!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Sports fans who have followed Kurt Warner's pro football career know that the man is a humble, God fearing player who always gives due credit to HIS main man: Jesus Christ, whom Warner calls his Lord and Savior.

Warner's religious transparency leaves some feeling squeamish, none of whom are among the 50,000 crazed Arizona Cardinal fans who are still celebrating Warner's performance in a 32-25 victory over the Philadelphia Eagles this afternoon.

That win advances Warner and the Cardinals to Super Bowl XL111, which will be played in Tampa, Florida two weeks hence.

As reported, in part, at reference 1:

"Kurt Warner is going back to the Super Bowl, a sweet journey for a 37-year-old quarterback considered washed up not so long ago.

"Warner engineered Arizona's 32-25 victory over Philadelphia on Sunday in the NFC championship game, the culmination of an unlikely playoff run for a Cardinals franchise that had been the joke of the league for years.

"Warner threw four touchdown passes Sunday, three to the phenomenal Larry Fitzgerald. But his biggest was his fourth, an 8-yard middle screen to rookie Tim Hightower, who barreled over the goal line to give the Cardinals back the lead with 2:59 to play.

"It came at the end of a 14-play, 72-yard drive that used up nearly eight minutes of the fourth quarter after the Eagles had rallied from an 18-point deficit to go ahead 25-24.

"Warner completed 21 of 28 passes for 279 yards with no interceptions."

Skeptics will point out that Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb and millions of Philadelphia Eagle fans prayed to Jesus for their team to win.

Why did He answer Warner and ignore McNabb?

Beats the Hades out of me, mate!

As they say, "The Lord moves in mysterious ways," and on this particular Sunday, He was clearly partial to those who call the Arizona desert home!

Reference (1)

Global Warming? Bring It On!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Fantastic weather makes living in the otherwise liberal lunacy of California sometimes bearable.

Indeed, musing about frigid conditions "back East" partially ameliorates the pain of residing within 50 miles of San Francisco, the city that has given the world Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Gavin Newsom, and the story line for Hollywood's "Milk."

According to the Weather Channel, Chicago languished in -10 degrees, while that -20 in New York City caused Katie Couric to don a ski cap, fur mittens, and solar-heated underwear in order to distort, misrepresent, and outright lie about the breaking news of the day!

Whilst Couric and other liberal pundits were showing off their frozen assets, things were balmy and beautiful here in what used to be God's country, before illegal aliens and Jihadists invaded.

For example, on one particularly delightful afternoon, the temp in San Jose reached 80 degrees, a 100 degree positive swing from the wicked conditions engulfing New York City which, because of it's liberal wackiness, deserves both -20 AND Katie Couric, in my humble opinion!

Meanwhile, the greatest snow job in history is about to dwarf the American Dream with an influx of Marxism and non-progressive prattle euphemistically called an "Inaugural Address."

On the afternoon of January 20, Barack Obama, America's newly crowned snowmaker-in-chief, will attempt to emulate one of the miracles performed by Jesus Christ.

However, whereas Jesus turned water into wine, the new age Messiah will attempt to convert tainted snow into "Change We Need" and "Post-Partisan" double talk.

Global warming? Bring it on!

Do it for the children!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Staying Abreast of Virgin Mary in Chile

By John W. Lillpop

Most civilized societies invest very little energy and even less intellectual curiosity into serious contemplation about the relative endowments of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

However, in some backward, remote nations, staying abreast of Virgin Mary and all her many charms is an important part of the local culture, in much the same manner in which baseball is worshipped in America.

When it comes to the former, the nation of Chile serves up an excellent example as documented, in part, by the referenced (1) report from Reuters:

"A prominent fashion designer has sparked outrage in Chile by dressing up models like the Virgin Mary -- in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts.

"The Roman Catholic Church condemned Ricardo Oyarzun's plans for a show featuring the models, and a conservative group tried unsuccessfully to block it in court.

"Oyarzun said he had received telephone threats and had excrement smeared on his doorstep.

"There is no pornography here, there's no sex, there are no virgins menstruating or feeling each other up," Oyarzun said ahead of the catwalk show set to be held at a Santiago nightclub later on Thursday. "This is artistic expression."

"He said his designs -- which include halos, look as though they come from a nativity scene and include religious icons -- were inspired by the Virgin Mary but not intended to represent her.
"We look on with special pain and deplore those acts which seek to tarnish manifestations of sincere love toward the Virgin Mary, which end up striking at the dignity of womankind by presenting her as an object of consumption," Chile's Episcopal Conference, which includes Catholic bishops, said in a statement.

"The show is more evidence that Chile, heavily influenced by the church for decades, is shaking off its reputation as one of the most socially conservative countries in Latin America."

While it is disappointing that "There is no pornography here, there's no sex, there are no virgins menstruating or feeling each other up," it is encouraging to know that, at the very least, Chile is staying abreast of the latest fad in breasts!

Reference 1:


Inaugural Security on Steroids: "Hooker Free" Zones

Satire by John W. Lillpop

No reasonable person would argue against rigid security provisions surrounding the inauguration of Barack Obama.

As long as torture is not employed, all necessary security measures should be taken to prevent any untoward incident that could endanger the President-elect or any of the millions of brain-washed zombies who have risked life and limb just to witness the ultimate success of massive voter fraud and pay for play politics.

However, well-intentioned community organizers in Washington, D.C. seem to have crossed over the line into the twilight zone by instituting a "Prostitution Free" zone just for the Obama-bash next Tuesday.

From WusaP this report, in part, (Reference 1):

"WASHINGTON, DC (WUSA) -- District police have placed signs along 5th and I Streets. They read, "Warning, Prostitution Free Zone." Those who disobey could be fined 300 dollars, and even jailed. But will the city's plan work?

"A woman who calls herself Tamira and advertises her services on Craigslist, said otherwise. She said prostitutes who work the streets may ignore the signs. However, she said, some prostitutes may move elsewhere."

Of course, "Hooker Free" signs beg the question, "Does that mean that prostitution is OK in zones NOT marked, and OK even along 5th and I streets after the inauguration?"

What brilliant "progressive" think tank produced that dilly?

Besides, just what possible security danger is there to fear from a few seductive Ladies of the Night?

Make love, not war
is still a Democrat rallying cry, is it not?

Instead of driving naughty ladies into the shadows where illegal aliens and other violent criminals congregate, why not come up with a "progressive" solution to honor both the new administration and the 111th Congress?

Why not license the Purveyors of Pleasure as city employees? Most city bureaucrats are whores anyway, so the Ladies should fit right in!

Added bonus: With prostitutes on the city payroll, their incomes can be taxed, taxed, taxed, and taxed some more!

Given the right set of circumstances, revenues so collected could be a major weapon in the war on deficits!

A major win-win for Obama on his first afternoon/evening in office.

Puzzle: What to call the new levy? How about "Pleasure Tax" ?

To close the loop, tear down those oppressive "Prostitution Free" signs and replace them with "Terrorist Free" zone markers.

Another major win-win for President Obama, this time in the war on terror!

Just who said progressives are too stupid to govern effectively?

Reference 1:

Friday, January 16, 2009

About Those "Peace Doves" Muslims Plan to Release Before the Inauguration

Satire By John W. Lillpop

In a heartwarming and touching human interest story, we have been advised that American Muslim groups will hold a symbolic release of "peace doves" at a Mosque in Washington, D.C., to welcome the inauguration of Barack Obama.

From the Student Operated Press, this report, in part (Reference 1):

"American Muslim groups will welcome next week`s inauguration of President Barack Obama with a symbolic release of "peace doves" on Monday at a mosque in the nation`s capital followed by an open house at the Capitol Hill headquarters of the Council on Islamic American Relations (CAIR) on Inauguration Day.

"As part of our nation`s rich religious heritage, American Muslims are looking forward to celebrating the inauguration of President Obama and are hopeful that his presidency will bring peace, prosperity and reconciliation in America and worldwide," said CAIR Executive Director Nihad Awad.

"On Monday, January 19, the American Muslim Taskforce on Civil Rights and Elections (AMT), a coalition of 12 major Islamic organizations, will release 44 doves, one for each American president. The dove release is intended to symbolize the American Muslim community`s desire for a more peaceful world and to highlight the key role a president plays in achieving peace based on justice and freedom."

While this announcement from CAIR projects a "feel good" quality and inspires hope, Americans, especially Jews, near Jews, and people who look like Jews and near Jews, are cautioned to remain extremely skeptical about Muslims and their apparent genetic predisposition for terrorism and bloodshed.

For example, according to unconfirmed trash talk emanating from alleys near my favorite tavern, that "Miracle in the Hudson River" involving a US Airways Airbus and several geese was not an accident.

In fact, we have learned that the entire incident involving Flight 1549 was a test run staged by CAIR to fine tune their kamikaze geese for the " big doings" at the Inaugural on January 20.

No further details concerning "big doings" were immediately available, but sources indicate that prudent attendees should stay as far away as possible from Senators Diane Feinstein, Chuck Schumer, and Supreme Court Associate Ginsburg, for obvious reasons.

Reference 1:

Chavez Reduced to Crawl and Grovel: How Sweet It Is!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

When oil was hovering above $100 a barrel, Hugo Chavez, Venezuela's Latino gnome and tin horn dictator, made news with outrageous behavior aimed at the greatest nation in the history of human kind, these United States of America.

Chavez, long suspected of being an ass, removed all doubt with his mindless seizure of American oil companies in the name of "taking our country back."

His silly stunts, cheesy exploitation of poor people in America, and other gimmicks unbecoming any self-respecting Venezuelan with at least a third grade education, were celebrated only by leftist goons like Sean Penn and Cindy Sheehan who took turns kissing the dictator's oversized bum while burning President Bush in effigy.

But that was then, this is now. Oil is now under $40 a barrel and headed south with dispatch.

Which means that Chavez is crawling and groveling, not an easy task for a retarded slob, but he is working on it!

Chavez's most costly mistake during the $100 a barrel hay days was the manner in which he treated American oil firms.

As reported, in part, by Investor's Business Daily, Reference (1):

"Energy: Low oil prices and plunging output have seen Venezuela's Hugo Chavez come groveling back to U.S. oil firms for new investment after abusing them earlier. But Big Oil, once bitten, should now be twice shy.

"The only reason left to make a long-term investment in Venezuela is to bet that Hugo Chavez won't be around long enough to rip them off again.

"Chevron, Shell, and France's Total have quietly been approached for investment, the New York Times reports, even as they still smart from the expropriation of their assets in 2007.
It wasn't just the billions in losses. It's also unlikely they have forgotten the fireworks, troops, banners and torch-bearing Chavista mobs seizing their property in the name of "the people."

"So it's quite a humiliation for the strongman, who once boasted, "We are taking back our country," to be back begging for help.

"Expropriation hasn't worked so well. Chavez's state oil company, PDVSA, had virtually nothing left in its coffers after squandering $700 billion in oil earnings on political schemes like light bulb and milk factories. It needs $20 billion to develop its Orinoco Basin projects, which could produce 1.2 million barrels a day, but it can only do it with partners who have both capital and technology.

"Chavez's original plan was to replace U.S. oil companies with state-controlled ones from Iran, Russia, Vietnam, Belarus and China. China, for one, wasn't impressed with Hugo's terms and didn't bite. Others, like Iran and Belarus, don't have the technology. Venezuelan oil, remember, is heavy and takes lots of refining.

"It was fun while the high oil prices lasted. But the reality is, they never do. Oil is an industry with a long cycle that evens out $134 a barrel oil with $9 a barrel oil over many years. High oil price years are a market signal to drill more with investment, not a license to fling dollar bills. Companies invest knowing this cycle exists.

"CIA Director Michael Hayden said Thursday that a $40-per-barrel oil price means Venezuela's high-sulfur crude will fetch just $30 a barrel. "That's real trouble for that (Chavez) regime — so you could see a lot of fracturing there," he said.

"Confident that high oil prices would last forever, Chavez is now in the winter he thought would never come. Now that it has, the companies he burned are unlikely to make big investments. "Why do so when they might be confiscated when prices get high again?

"Venezuela is now facing a steep investment drop in other industries, thanks to Chavez' foolish expropriations of farms, steel companies, cement companies, electricity companies and pretty much anything productive. After attracting less than $1 billion in 2008, investment turned negative in the last quarter of 2008.

"The Heritage Foundation, in its 2009 Index of Economic Freedom released this week, ranked Venezuela No. 28 out of 29, losing out to investment "paradises" like Bolivia, Haiti and Ecuador. Only Cuba was lower. Things are unlikely to change under Chavez.

"Oil companies don't invest on emotion. They need assurances that they won't be expropriated again, and Chavez has a huge credibility problem there. That said, our need for oil remains.

"Instead of risking expropriation in Venezuela again, why don't we let our oil companies drill for the hundreds of billions of barrels of oil reserves we have right here in the U.S.?

"In the meantime, if any oil company says yes to Chavez, it might not be such good news for him. It might signal a cold political calculation that Chavez won't be around to steal from them again."

In other words, how do you say "Crawl and grovel!" in Spanish?

Reference (1):

Surviving Until January 21 Without Committing Murder or Suicide

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Looking for a quick, safe way to restore your decimated 401(k) and other asset accounts to pre-September 15, 2008 levels?

Given the media blitz on tap for the next five days to commemorate the birth of Martin Luther King and the death of America through deification of Barack Obama, a prudent chap could make a fortune by hawking barf bags.

Wretched souls who cannot escape browsing, watching, listening to, or reading mainstream media accounts between now and January 21 will find barf bags indispensable for survival in a society gone barking mad.

Such unfortunates will be easy marks for price gouging as the intensity of the great liberal Dumbing Down of 2009 increases, leading to the inauguration of America's first non-citizen Marxist to the U.S. Presidency.

It is simply amazing what $750 million dollars, massive voter fraud, and a mainstream media with "thrills" running up and down their legs can do to promote a former community organizer with little or no accomplishment of note to his credit.

Which is not meant as a slight to Barack Obama.

Being "Clean and Articulate" is way cool, although it seems hardly enough to warrant a gig in the Oval Office.

Schemes for profiting from the demise of America include selling pin lapels reading, "This Too Shall Pass!",
"Don't Blame Me--I Voted None of The Above!", and "Change Spelled Backwards Is Egnahc!", whatever the hell that means!

Coping strategies for conservatives include hiding all weapons, sharp objects, toxic cleaning agents, and other devices that could be used to inflict bodily harm on another person, on one's own self, or to destroy televisions, radios, computers, FAX machines, and the like.

To the patriot who ultimately loses control and ends up choking to death that idiot neighbor with "CHANGE!" tattooed on his forehead, a word of optimism: With liberal ding bats now in control, the death penalty will probably be abolished and parole guidelines liberalized to accommodate the murderer rather than the murder victim.

With any luck, you could be paroled in time to campaign against Obama in 2012!

More cheery news: As a convicted felon, you will be automatically registered to vote. The only catch being that you will have to commit to vote Democrat for the rest of your life!

And now if you will excuse me, I intend to retreat to a neighborhood tavern, plop down my American Express card, and advise the tender of bars to "let me know when that is gone!"

I shall return next Wednesday or when my credit line is exhausted, whichever comes first!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A Tax Cheat for Treasury Secretary? Now THAT Is Change!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Count me among those guilty of discounting and making light of President-elect Barack Obama's naive hyperbole about CHANGE.

Change this, change that, change, change, and more change!


As it turns out, Obama's passion and obsession with Change is far more insidious than originally thought, a fact that became quite obvious with the latest news flash from the Obama Transition Team:

The Messiah has nominated a tax cheat and employer of illegal aliens to be Secretary of the Treasury!

Now THAT is Change, brother. Unfortunately, it is of the type that America neither needs nor wants!

In his defense, Obama was no doubt confused by the behavior of the current thief in charge of our money, the unlovable Hank Paulson, and thought that a confirmed tax evader and employer of illegal aliens would fit right in at Treasury!

As reported at (1), in part:

"At the end of a nearly seamless transition, President-elect Barack Obama has been buffeted by a string of embarrassing jolts within the space of two weeks.

"The disclosure Tuesday that his choice for treasury secretary, New York Federal Reserve chief Timothy Geithner, failed to pay $34,000 in taxes and employed a housekeeper without proper immigration papers was another jarring distraction just days before Obama's inauguration — and raises fresh questions about his team's judgment, vetting procedures and political sensitivities.

"Senate Democratic leaders and Obama transition officials immediately voiced confidence in Geithner and called for his quick confirmation once Obama is sworn in and is able to formally nominate him--citing the important role Geithner will play in dealing with one of the nation's severest recessions in decades.

"But the delinquent-tax part of the new disclosure, in particular, is a huge liability for Geithner, given that as treasury secretary he would oversee the Internal Revenue Service."

Democrats argue that, as Treasury Secretary, Geithner would be in charge of making sure that other people, especially rich Republicans, pay their taxes!

They also argue that one need not actually pay taxes to prosecute others, a knot headed mindset which is completely consistent with liberal thinking on taxes and elitist privilege.

It is similar to the liberal insanity which holds that one need not pay taxes in order to qualify for government refunds, although it helps to be a protected minority, handicapped, gay or lesbian, or in possession of another defect that immediately identifies one as a Democrat.

As to the illegal alien kerfuffle, Democrats point out that amnesty would have passed last year had it not been for racist Republicans! Blame the GOP, not Geithner, for the mess that his Mexican house slave is in!

As a tax cheat and employer of illegal aliens, Geithner is the perfect liberal and agent for change in the Obama circus act!

Reference 1:

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

W. Will Soon Be Gone, But Not Forgotten!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Most liberals in the mainstream media can hardly wait for the remaining days of the George W. Bush presidency to lapse so that the official deification of Barack Obama can commence.

However, once W. has actually departed the scene, the mirth and merriment at NBC, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, the Los Angeles and New York Times and other purveyors of anti-Bush hate speech shall surely give way to a devastating discovery.

Without George W. Bush to attack, belittle, denounce, ridicule, berate, insult, misunderstimate, kick, dump on, libel and slander, a vital life force will have gone missing!

Without W. to blame for everything from the vanishing dollar to cow flatulence and global warming, what purpose is there to life?

For the average liberal journalist, the haunting question will be:

Why even bother getting out of bed when the "main man" is a Marxist person of color who uses flawless English and cannot be counted on for an outrageous faux pau when a deadline is fast approaching and digging out "hard" news is not an option, given that magnitude 8 hang over to contend with?

Relax, liberal journalists everywhere! There is a solution.

That would be from Tom Ruprecht, a writer for the Late Show with Dave Letterman, and contributor to a number of other humorous publications.

Ruprecht has authored a Bush dump titled, "George W. Bush, An Unauthorized Oral History, " which traces the life of W. from infancy to the present.

Ruprecht has created 16 chapters of made-up quotes
and reminiscences from W.'s parents, his twin daughters, Dr. Craig Thomas, the physician who slapped the "future president on the behind" at birth, to various officials in the Bush administration including Karl Rove and Dr. Condelezza Rice.

The author created this work with just one purpose in mind: Make George W. Bush appear to be a complete idiot and lazy scalawag to boot!

To Mr. Ruprecht: Mission accomplished!

Although die-hard Bushies will blanch at the contents, "George W. Bush, An Unauthorized Oral History,' is actually quite funny, a quick read, and worth the time and effort, especially if one is afflicted with a condition that limits one's mobility for an hour or so (like diarrhea).

Some of my favorite quotes **** include these:

"In 2003 President Bush came to England for a state visit. he seemed to enjoy being here. He told me that driving on the left side of the road reminded him of his drinking days."

Tony Blair, British Prime Minister

"I'll never forget coming out of the delivery room and informing George he had twins. He got a very worried look on his face and asked, "Are they the stuck-together kind?"

Dr. Craig Thomas, OBGYN

"Sir, I urge you to practice saying "Niger" a few more times before the speech. A mispronunciation like the one you made yesterday in the Oval Office yesterday would be catastrophic."

E-mail from Karl Rove prior to the 2003 State of the Union

Lots of laughs on every page at W.'s expense. What else could a bored leftist with a word processor ask for?


NOTE: These are NOT real quotes. They are attributable only to the decadent mind of Tom Ruprecht who clearly hates G.W. Bush, the South, America, and about 50 percent of all Americans!

Monday, January 12, 2009

A VERY Inconvenient Truth: Al Gore, Google, and C02

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Who would have imagined that Al Gore, self-appointed climate cop for planet Earth, is actually an anti-green capitalist personally responsible for hideous releases of carbon dioxide into the precious air that our children and grandchildren are supposed to breathe?

That would be the same Al Gore who received the Nobel Peace Prize in 2007. According to the Nobel Citation (1), "His strong commitment, reflected in political activity, lectures, films and books, has strengthened the struggle against climate change."

That would also be the same Al Gore who waddled onto a stage in Hollywood a couple of years ago to accept an Oscar for producing a "documentary" to alert the world to the imminent danger of climate change.

And, of course, that is the same Gore who proudly boasted on national television that it was he who invented the Internet.

As it turns out, Al Gore should surrender his Oscar and Nobel Peace Prize as soon as possible because a new scientific study from Harvard University contends that "google" searches of the Internet are a source of C02.

As reported in PC World (2), in part:

"Two Google searches produce the same amount of CO2 as bringing water to a boil on your stovetop, according to research from Harvard University. Google claims that the Harvard study is flawed. The Harvard study was first published in British newspaper The Sunday Times.

"According to the report just carrying out a typical search through Google can generate about 7 grams of carbon dioxide. Alex Wissner-Gross, the Harvard University professor that authored the report, says that even just browsing a basic Website can generate about 0.002g of CO2 for every second it is viewed. Sites with complex video can bring even more CO2 in the atmosphere, somewhere around 0.2g per second."

How deliciously ironic that the same enviro-nazis who use Google searches to research and document dubious global warming conditions are, by virtue of their methodology, actually raising CO2 levels in the air!



Bloke Too Fat to Adopt Brat!

By John W. Lillpop

Most authorities are very careful about placing children in adoptive homes. People looking to adopt are screened for character, credit, employment history, crime history, and financial stability. All of which makes sense in order to protect the interests of innocent children.

However, a man in not-so-jolly England has been rejected because there is just too damn much of the bloke. In other words, he is too fat.

As reported at, in part:

"Damien Hall, who stands six feet, one inch tall, weighs 24 and a half stone. He therefore has a body mass index (BMI) of more than 42 and is thus considered morbidly obese.

"The call centre worker, 37, and his nanny wife Charlotte, 31, cannot have children of their own and approached Leeds City Council, about adopting.

"But their local authority told them that Damien must get his BMI down below 40 before they can be considered as potential parents due to concerns over his weight.

"The bottom line is I'm too fat," he told BBC radio. "It's hard to lose weight under pressure. I'm not a couch potato and I don't sit eating take aways every night.

"I just feel as though we were only judged on my weight and not all the other good things about us.

"We don't drink or smoke and we could give a child a happy and safe home."

"The letter the couple received from Leeds City Council said they were unable to process their adoption application "due to the concerns that the medical advisers have expressed regarding Mr. Hall's weight.

"Charlotte Hall said the letter was "gutting" and "to be turned down flatly just on that, it's just harsh.

"We're here ready to take a child on.

"They seem to be saying it's better for them to be in care and being shoved from pillar to post just in case Damien dies.

"In a statement, Leeds City Council explained: "The council's adoption service has a legal responsibility to ensure that children are placed with adopters who are able to provide the best possible lifelong care.

"Part of this responsibility is advice for applicants on a range of suitability criteria, including any health and lifestyle issues which may impact on an applicant's long term ability to adopt."

Good for the Leeds City Council! Stick to your standards you lymie creeps.

Just one question, though: What does the British bureaucracy do when a man of Hall's size fathers a child the old fashioned way? Do the fat police come out and rescue the brat from the slob?

A bit of advise for Hall: Take off the blubber and you might not shoot blanks, dude!


Bush's Legacy: Better Off Now Than You Were Eight Years Ago?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

President George W. Bush, commonly known as Dubya to those who really know him, said his final good byes in a live press conference in Washington, D.C. this morning.

With America damn near in ruins as a result of his tenure in office, W. nonetheless defended his presidency as being a "good, strong record."

He does have a point, you know.

Provided that one is prepared to overlook the fact that America is ensnared in two foreign wars, each far longer than World War 11; the economy is in the worst crisis since the great depression, 80 years ago; our borders are virtually unsecured at time of war, and on and on and on.

Our dysfunctional, dyslexic, and alcoholic president stated that one of his greatest regrets is that "comprehensive" immigration reform--AKA, amnesty to those who claim English as their first language--did not pass.

Unfortunately, Dubya did not express any regret over the fact that his refusal to enforce the rule of law allowed millions of illegal alien peasants from the third-world to invade our great nation.

In that regard, "comprehensive" enforcement of existing laws would have solved the immigration mess without destroying America in the process.

However, the greatest tragedy of the Dubya presidency is that it lead directly to the election of a Marxist non-citizen in the personage of Barack Obama!

Repeat: America is now governed by a Marxist in the White House and Marxists leading both chambers of Congress directly because of George W. Bush!

In assessing the Bush presidency, one should attempt to be objective. Therefore, ask yourself, Are you better off now than you were eight years ago?

And, Can America Survive Seven more Days of Dubya?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Oprah Winfrey 12-Step Program for Fighting Obesity

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Woe be unto Oprah Winfrey.

After working her tush off to elect Barack Obama as the first African-American president of the U.S., Winfrey was rewarded with a fat surge that left her with a tush and mid-section far in excess of her original dimensions.

We are talking CHANGE the old gal really did not need or want.

What to do?

With six billion earthlings intently watching Oprah's television show for the latest diet miracles and or trace of fat on her abused being, the Queen of Girth simply had to get honest and face reality: She is fat again!

After all those years of starving herself and exercising like an Olympic-bound athlete, Oprah is again closer to 300 than 100 pounds.

Oprah is so huge that she needed a building permit for her inaugural gown. Obama's transition team FEXed the Queen of Girth 3 tickets to the inaugural ceremony --for Oprah's own use alone!

Enough is enough! After celebrating the Obama victory 24/7 since November 4, Oprah has "centered" herself and refocused on her life goals.

In doing so, Winfrey has rewritten her "Oprah Winfrey 12-Step Program for Fighting Obesity," which can be purchased at for $1,500, plus shipping and handling.

Chubby hackers have slipped us a "bootleg" copy of Oprah's revised program, reprinted below:

The Revised Oprah Winfrey 12-Step Program for Fighting Obesity

Step 1: Came to believe that she could become a billionaire by hoodia-ing fat housewives into buying " O" magazine and her diet products.

Steps 2-11: Skipped because of scheduling conflicts.

Step 12: Admitted that she was powerless over her wonky thyroid. Gave up diets forever, but kept cashing in on O and other silly gimmicks.

The bottom line to Oprah's secret: Make yourself obscenely rich and nobody will notice your morbid obesity!

God Bless Oprah Winfrey!