A Triangulated Solution to Global Warming and Homelessness

by John W. Lillpop


How completely liberal-hypocritical of Al Gore to fly out to Hollywood just to accept an Oscar for saving the planet from whatever he was supposed to save it from.

After accepting his statue and preaching "Think Green" to a sinful world, the bloated former Veep then jumped on another jet and zipped back to Nashville, Tennessee.

After arriving in Tennessee, the Global Warming beat cop for the planet was probably chauffeured in a stretch limousine to his humble abode.

How humble? How does 20-rooms and eight baths spread out over 10,000 square feet sound?

After losing the election in 2000, Gore apparently needs a multi-million dollar mansion to soothe his hurt feelings from the shock of being rejected by the electoral college, the only vote that really matters in America.

With the exception of the U.S. Supreme Court vote, that is.

Just 10,000 square feet? I wonder where the Gores put up the servants? With just eight bathrooms to choose from, Al and Tipper probably arm wrestle for the right to use the biggest and best furnished commode first.

My money is on the heavyweight--that would be the lovable Tipper, of course.

After arriving at his mansion, Gore no doubt fired up the furnace to take the chill off those 20 rooms. Before Gore turns on the heat, he is obligated to alert the Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA) and advise of a potential energy drain in Nashville and surrounding states.

With his influence, Gore is able to force TVA into dumping a few non-millionaires off the grid so that his fat-vibrating exercise machines deliver a consistent flow of juice to the huge girth that has become Al Gore.

How expensive is it to heat and cool the Gore mansion? Would you believe $30,000 a year--approximately the amount of energy consumed by twenty "average" American families.

But, hey, we are talking a liberal icon. A man who is entitled to preach conservation and shame the great unwashed masses into carbon-neutral lifestyles while wallowing in reckless self-indulgence.

And why is Al Gore entitled to special treatment?

Because he is a liberal hypocrite who subscribes to the "Do as I say, Not As I Do" motto so prevalent in Democrat politicians these days.

Say what you will about George W. Bush, at least W never even pretended to be humble. He has been an arrogant boob right from the get go.

Al Gore has made a career out of pretending to be on the side of the common man while living a most uncommon--and non-carbon neutral--lifestyle.

In a strange twist of irony, the American people may have to elect Hillary Clinton in order to put blow hards like Al Gore in their places.

Senator Clinton, it will be remembered, promised to take excessive profits from the big oil corporations and deposit those unseemly funds into an energy escrow.

With that communist mindset, one can be sure that President Hillary Clinton would order the U.S. Marines to seize the Gore mansion and convert it into a homeless shelter.

With Hillary in charge, Gore can be ordered to share those eight bathrooms with 5,000 or so street people who urgently need showers and indoor plumbing to boost their sagging self-esteem.

Right, Hilldabeast?


satirebylillpop



John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Al Gore's Oscar, Dick Cheney's Life, and Dubya's Phone Manners

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Speaker Pelosi Chats With John Lillpop

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has made headlines all over the world recently with her eyeball-to-eyeball conflagration with Vice President Dick Cheney. Pelosi actually wanted to have a heart-to-heart session, but the Veep smelled the obvious trap and declined.

The Speaker was in Hollywood on Sunday night for the Academy Awards, and she agreed to this interview on the Red Carpet:

John:

Well, again, Speaker Pelosi, thank you ever so much for taking time from your busy schedule to spend a few minutes chatting. What brings you to the Oscars?

Speaker Pelosi:

Nice to see you again, John. My main interest in being here tonight is to witness the transformation of the world by the 43rd president of the United States.

John:

Madam Speaker? I did not know that President Bush was scheduled to be here tonight.

Speaker Pelosi:

Oh, good grief, John! I mean the real winner of the 2000 election. Al Gore, the man who fell victim to that vast right wing conspiracy at the Supreme Court. The man who should be president!

John:

Oh, I see. Any particular reason why you came to see Mr. Gore?

Speaker Pelosi:

Of course. The man who should be the 43rd president of the United States is going to receive an Oscar for his magnificent movie. That honor will spark a worldwide revolution against politicians and business leaders who refuse to think green. Al Gore is about to change the world forever.

Besides, it's too flipping cold in both Washington and 'Frisco.

John:

That makes perfect sense.

Now, Madam Speaker, you, and Vice President Dick Cheney seem to be engaged in a personal war. Verbal charges and counter charges, back and forth.

What is that all about, Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

First of all, John let me make this perfectly clear. I was very upset by the recent attempt to assassinate Mr. Cheney. There is no place for that sort of action in our debate.

Secondly, I believe that the incident proves my point. Namely, that Al-Quaeda poses no legitimate threat to America or our allies. The entire issue is overblown.

John:

You believe that the attempted murder of a sitting vice president is just hype? What do you plan to do about it?

Speaker Pelosi:

Exactly right, John. The Cheney attempted murder was nothing more than a "crisis" staged by the White House to grab news headlines.

As far as what I plan to do about it, after the news broke I immediately called the president to complain about Cheney's grandstanding.

John:

And how did the president respond?

Speaker Pelosi:

He asked the basis for my complaint. That is when I told the president that Cheney faked a murder attempt because he knows that Democrats were about to announce major legislation to help poor Americans. Cheney clearly wanted to knock me off the front pages.

John:

New legislation? What is that Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, I was saving this for prime time news, but since Cheney hogged the airwaves, I guess I can tell you.

We Democrats have decided to rewrite the minimum wage law so that it applies to all military personnel as well as to those in private enterprise. Except for Tuna corporations headquartered in San Francisco, that is.

When fully implemented, everyone in the military will be paid the same--the minimum wage.

John:

But won't that do severe economic damage to the men and women who serve so bravely and heroically in the military? The people whose lives are on the line?

Speaker Pelosi:

Actually, worrying about those in uniform is pure rubbish! As John Kerry correctly pointed out, those in Iraq are the least bright and least educated in our society--we need to stop pandering to the less capable.

Besides, there is a huge income gap between what people in uniform earn and the real poor--especially the 30 million illegal aliens here from Mexico.

John:

How will cutting the income of brave American heroes help illegal aliens, Ms. Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Under the Democrats' plan, wasteful military incomes will be slashed and the savings will be used to buy health care insurance and education for illegal aliens.

It's a win-win for America!

John:

Wow! That is bold and creative. Did you share that plan with President Bush?

Speaker Pelosi:

Funny thing, that. I had just finished explaining to the president that the Cheney murder attempt was proof positive that I should have a fleet of 757 Air Force jets on call 24/7.

John:

And?

Speaker Pelosi:

Before I could get to my next point, the line went dead. I called back but the switchboard operator said the president complained of a throbbing headache and had gone to bed.

John:

So, what's next?

Speaker Pelosi:

I will call George again, first thing in the morning.

Like I say, "It is a new day in America!" and I mean it!

John:

Thank you for your time, Speaker Pelosi.



satirebylillpop

Speaker Pelosi Addresses Obesity Versus Hunger in America

By John Lillpop

Immediately after engineering the non-binding resolution on the floor of the U.S. House that provided victory for al-Qaeda, Speaker Pelosi boarded a commercial flight bound for San Francisco.

As a resident of the Bay Area, I was able to catch up with the Speaker after her flight arrived at SFO Airport. Pelosi graciously agreed to the following interview in the lounge at the airport.

John:
Welcome home, Speaker Pelosi. You have been making a lot of news over these past several weeks!

Speaker Pelosi:
Thank you, John. Yes, we promised a new day in America and we are living up to our promises! The best is yet to come.

John:
Do you worry that the American public will see this as a partisan "piling on" against President Bush? More of a personal vendetta than a professional policy dispute?

Speaker Pelosi:
Not at all. I have always said that George W. Bush seems like an affable, good-natured sort of guy. I would not want my sister to marry a Bush, but that is another story.

My problem with the president has nothing to do with personalities--we hate Bush because he is so damn stupid.

John:
Thank you for clarifying that, Speaker Pelsoi.

Now, Madam Speaker, one of the hottest issues of the day is obesity versus hunger.

On the one hand, we are warned that obesity threatens to deliver an epidemic of medical problems like diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and on and on. The California legislature has jumped into the fray and is legislating what foods can and cannot be sold at schools. Governments all across the nation are passing laws to eliminate Trans fats.

On the other hand, we are told that hunger has never been higher and that millions of children go to bed hungry every night.

From your perspective, what is the truth?

Speaker Pelosi:
Actually, the answer is pretty much the same as the money problem in America. Namely, all the wrong people have the food these days.

Although I do not have the exact numbers in front of me, John, I am sure that most fat people are Republicans, people of means who have everything handed to them.

By the same token, people who go hungry are almost always Democrats and people of color. It's the insidious "Haves versus have nots," again.

John:
So what is the solution? Is there a reasonable solution?

Speaker Pelosi:
Well, Senator Reid and I have drafted new legislation to face the issue head on.

Here is how it will work. Luxury foods and beverages like low-fat hamburger, caviar, and expensive wines are bought and consumed exclusively by white Republican Christians.

As a result, those luxury products will be subjected to a "Health and Happiness" surcharge. Scores of billions of dollars in extra revenue will thus flow into the federal coffers.

We will then take that surcharge money for a new food stamp program. Eligibility requirements are as follows: Applicants must be a "people of color" minority, non-English speaking, non-citizens. Preferences will be given to those who are here illegally, those who look like terrorists, gays and transvestites, and Islamic extremists.

John:
Wow. That seems quite comprehensive. But what about the discrimination through racial profiling built into your food stamp program? Is this not blatant discrimination?

Speaker Pelosi: (Giggling)
Heavens no, John. This is affirmative action, San Francisco style!

John:
Thank you for your time, Speaker Pelosi.

Speaker Pelosi:
Not at all. Thank you, John.


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Erectile Function Is an Inalienable RIGHT

By John W. Lillpop


As men in the "boomer" generation reach the later stages of life, a new medical ailment is driving millions of once virile, confident men to tears and shame.

Namely, the dreaded ED, as in Erectile Dysfunction.

ED, pervasive among men in their 50s and 60s, has spawned a new family of medicines devised to treat the debilitating loss of performance in life's most vital game.

The sports analogy is "He got game!"

Men with ED "got no game."

But thanks to some nerdy scientist, who has probably never witnessed the awesome beauty of the disrobed female anatomy in person, American men now have Viagara.

We call it Blue Magic.

In sports vernacular, "We got game again!"

Hallelujah and glory be to the goddess of love!

The only side effect with Viagara is the danger of heart attack from too much excitement. But what the heck, no drug is perfect. Right?

But, the medicine is a bit pricey.

In order to determine what can be done to make Viagara accessible to all men, we contracted with beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti for a research project. The objective was to determine what legislative steps should be taken to make Blue Magic an integral and automatic part of the American Dream.

Bijiquiovarti, a constitutional scholar and part-time assistant pharmacist at the CIA, released the following findings, but only on the condition of anonymity:

The Bijiquiovarti findings:


* Erectile Function (EF) is an inalienable right guaranteed by the United States Constitution.


* The right to EF is found in the same section of the Constitution that guarantees a woman's right to an abortion, and is adjacent to the Constitutional requirement that mandates separation of church and state.


* Because EF is an inalienable right, Viagara must be made available to all males diagnosed with ED. For men unable to afford the medicine, Bijiquiovarti has learned that state and local governments must provide Blue Magic free of charge. No exceptions!

Congratulations to Bijiquiovarti for his outstanding research and reporting expertise!

Coming as it does so close to Valentine's Day, the Bijiquiovarti report is the most exciting news since the Emancipation Proclamation.

Thanks again, Dr. Bijiquiovarti!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Nancy Pelosi, Air Travel Excesses, and "Military Free" San Francisco

Satire by John W. Lillpop

As nearly everyone knows, Speaker Nancy Pelosi hails from San Francisco, the most liberal-infested city in all of America.

The Sodom and Gomorrah of contemporary civilization. The antithesis to logic, reason, rule of law, and rational Republicanism.

That would be the same San Francisco that recently refused to allow the USS Iowa to dock in local waters because of local opposition to the war in Iraq. *

The same wacky city in which the school board voted to keep ROTC off school campuses because, in the words of former teacher Nancy Mancias, "We need to teach a curriculum of peace." **

The same city in which Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval actually said, “We don’t need the U.S. Military” and “I am not in favor of a standing army." ***

Despite intense anti-military sentiment in San Francisco, Speaker Pelosi wants the United States military to fly she and a cast of thousands back and forth between Washington, D.C. and San Francisco on a regular basis.

Of all the bloody cheek!

In order to meet the Speaker's zany request, it would be necessary for the military to divert the equivalent of a 757 from legitimate government purposes, just to fly a "Socialist Think Tank" 3,000 miles. One way.

On top of the extraordinary expense, authorities would have to keep a real close watch on Gerardo Sandova to guard against a reckless act that might jeopardize U.S. military aircraft in San Francisco airspace.

Of course, the burning question that must be asked in light of Pelosi's immodest request is: Why are the Board of Supervisors and local anarchists not protesting Pelosi's plans to jump in bed, figuratively speaking, with the military?

Might it have to something to do with the thousands of money sacks stuffed with U.S. treasury that Pelosi is expected to bring to San Francisco vultures via that 757?

Minority-party Republicans have a moral--indeed constitutional--obligation to provide opposition "oversight" to protect America from Pelosi and her socialist conniving.

In that regard, several pertinent questions and alternatives must be examined:

* Until now, Pelosi has managed with far less elaborate accommodations. What justifies this quantum leap?

* In this era of advanced technology and communications, why is the Speaker not relying on e-mail, voice mail, the Internet, and cell phones instead of fuel-guzzling air travel?

Perhaps Pelosi should forego her next six plastic surgeries in favor of a tech makeover in Silicon Valley?

* As Speaker, Pelosi is now much higher in the presidential pecking order and should spend most, if not all, of her time in Washington, D.C.

Why not put Pelosi up in an inexpensive Motel 6 studio, within walking distance of the capitol, where she could stay 24/7 except for federal holidays?

* Pelosi claims that a large aircraft is needed for non-stop flights. But recently deposed Speaker Dennis Hastert was required to take flights with stops.

Why is that not good enough for Pelosi?

* Given Pelosi's bleeding heart, would it not be more humane, and politically correct, to give money to homeless people, illegal aliens, and other unwashed poor folk, rather than wasting funds on lavish accommodations for the liberal elite?

Bottom Line: California does not need a Pelosi presence in the state. Ever.

After all, we have a state government comprised mostly of Democrats who are quite capable of driving California into bankruptcy and complete moral decadence without the bug-eyed Speaker of the U.S. House!


* Go Here:

** Go here:


*** Go Here:


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Politicians in Recovery Give Alcoholics a Bad Name

by John W. Lillpop

In the most predictable and conniving political move of his wacky career, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom told department heads at City Hall that he is seeking counseling for alcohol abuse.

SFGate:

Why is it that every time a politician gets in trouble, he or she immediately pleads alcoholism and/or drug dependency, prays to God and family for forgiveness, and demands to be coddled like a helpless victim for years to come?

In somewhat of a surprise, Newsom has not entered rehabilitation. In fact, His Honor claims that he does not need to take any time off from his official duties.

Of course, it's the after hour, non-official duties that got Da Mayor into hot water to begin with.

By the way, when was the last time a person really smitten by alcohol abuse was able to avoid taking at least some time off?

Perhaps Newsom is just building a "Jack Daniel's made me do it!" case for his reelection portfolio?

You know, convince voters that you are the victim of a medical condition, one so severe that you were driven against your better judgment and moral standards into the amorous clutches of your campaign manager's wife.

Such a strategy requires Newsom to convince voters that he is a "powerless" wimp who would have acted properly if alcohol had not been rammed down his lustful throat.

But why would sophisticated voters in a major American city reelect a powerless wimp who has an addiction to booze and wild women?

The truth:

Despite all the braggadocio, there are precious few sophisticated voters in San Francisco and, politicians like Newsom, Patrick kennedy, and Mark Foley give real alcoholics a bad name!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Ahmadinejad to Make Dramatic Announcement on Feb.11

by John W. Lillpop

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is making news again, this time by promising a dramatic announcement on February 11.

News: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3360816,00.html

Officials at the State Department and Pentagon are working at a frantic pace to determine what Ahmadinejad is up to, so that an adequate U.S. response can be formulated.

Speculation is all over the park; however, those in the know are suggesting that Ahmadinejad will announce one or more of the following initiatives:

* A Holocaust museum is to be built in Tehran. Ahmadinejad needs six million Jews to volunteer as "victims" for the true to death exhibits.

Victims will be unpaid, but will be entitled to an attractive, non- transferable cremation bonus.

* Iran's missing imam has been found in a well in New Orleans. Apparently, the Iranian messiah fell into the well on September 1, 2005, and is just now being rescued by FEMA.

Mayor Nagin insists that Governor Blanco was taking care of the imam problem. Blanco insists that FEMA chief Michael Brown ("brownie") was supposed to fish the imam out by October 15, 2005.

Obviously, all is not well at that damn well in Big Easy!

* The Democratic National Committee is opening a branch office in Bam, Iran.

Keith Ellison, the only openly Muslim serving in the U.S. Congress, will present the official "Ax to the City" to Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC.
After a few remarks from Dean, the DNC-Jihad relationship will be formalized with the beheading of three vagabond Jews.

* A casting call has been issued for the male lead in a new movie that will recreate the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The successful applicant will be an infidel from a southern U.S. state, with poor English skills, dyslexia, unable to pronounce the word nuclear, and with an acknowledged weakness for criminals from Mexico.

* Pope Benedict XVI has accepted an invitation to serve as the guest of honor at Iran's first annual SoccerFest in July. Final language is being drafted for a half-time announcement in which the Pope will publicly declare his personal conversion to Islam, and his rejection of all that "Christian bunk."

* Allah has delivered a "miracle cure" for AIDS to Iranian scientists.
This miracle drug has no side effects when administered to heterosexual Muslim brothers or sisters.

However, homosexuals of all faiths and infidels of all sexual persuasions who ingest the medicine will suffer an agonizing and painful death, which, according to the Koran, is fulfillment of prophecies made by Mohammed.

* Because of that evil doer, G.W Bush, Muslim martyrs are being delivered to Islamic heaven at a record pace. As a result, the supply of virgins is dangerously low, and the number of virgins gifted to arriving martyrs must be reduced from 72 to 36. This is a temporary measure until Allah smites that evil infidel from Texas.

* February 11 marks the official start of the 8th century in Iran.

Happy New Century to all of those innocent people enslaved in Iran--may Allah have mercy on your souls and deliver you from evil!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Time to Make a Deal with Osama bin Laden?

by John W. Lillpop

Owing to the fact that far too much Muslim blood is being shed in the war on terror, I say it is time to make a deal with Osama bin Laden. Let's work to end the hostilities and bring our troops home.

Here is my bid to the brutal rag head: America will give bin Laden the Clinton Memorial Library, including the “What Is Is?” reference section, 30 million illegal aliens currently squatting in America, and all "Blue" states except California.

Actually, once illegal aliens are deported to caves in Afghanistan, California will automatically revert to being a "Red" state where English will again be understood in restaurants, car washes, the Department of Motor Vehicles, liquor stores, and hospital emergency rooms.

In exchange, Osama agrees to switch his voter registration from Democrat to independent, and further agrees not to kidnap Howard Dean or vote for Hillary Clinton in 2008.

We conservatives need Howard Dean around in order to regain the Congress and keep the White House.

If Osama balks at this offer, America can agree to throw in the federal Department of Education, the ACLU, and Nancy Pelosi to close the deal.

As a famous Islamic intellectual once observed, “With infidels, you can negotiate anything!”