Progressive Compassion Needed to Fix Immigration?

Satire By John W. Lillpop


























For Immediate Release

(San Francisco)---The following press release was issued by the Office of Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives:

With the Cinco de Mayo celebrations looming, Speaker Pelosi believes that the American people need progressive ideas and leadership when it comes to the issue of immigration.

In order to steer America away from the subhuman quagmire that George W. Bush has created, Speaker Pelosi is proposing the following program to make America a more attractive destination for third world peasants to invade.

In her own words, then, Speaker Pelosi offers her Cinco de Mayo greeting to America and the remaining peasants in Mexico who have not yet invaded America, but who will do so when monthly food stamp and welfare allotments increase by at least 10 percent.

Nancy Pelosi's Progressive Compassion Program to Fix Immigration


No Human Being Is Illegal

As Democrats, we believe that the term "illegal alien" should only be used when referring to the invasion of a woman's uterus by an unwanted fetus, and then only as needed to provide concise language for the death certificate of the aborted interloper.

When used to describe migrants from Mexico and other Latin nations, the term illegal alien is xenophobic and morally repugnant, and is a pernicious denial of the humanness of some of the most talented toilet bowl scrubbers, janitors, housemaids, burger flippers, fruit pickers, and operators of hi-tech leaf blowers in America.

We Democrats also object most vehemently when "illegal alien" is used as a derogatory slur against killers, MS-13 gangsters, drunken drivers, welfare cheats, identity thieves, drug smugglers, child molesters, and other future constituents who are down on their luck and in need of a helping hand, rather than a kick in the groin/posterior.

As Speaker of the House, I have drafted redemptive legislation to add "illegal alien" and "wetback" to the list of terms that qualify as hate speech in America.

This draft is being reviewed by Mexican President Felipe Calderon and the Mexican Congress, and will be released to U.S. House members after all comments from Mexico's leaders have been resolved to the satisfaction of Mexico.

A Spanish translation of the draft will also be sent to the White House for President Bush to review.

For the record: The preferred term for those living here, but missing a silly piece of paper or two, is "Undocumented Constituent."


America Must Be Deportation-free Sanctuary

Tens of millions of undocumented constituents hide in the shadows of American society, afraid to assimilate because of fear of punitive action by a government that hates the color brown.

San Francisco pioneered the "Nuclear-free" zoning concept several years ago to alert the world that The City is completely free from nuclear weapons and should not be attacked. That policy has worked beautifully, because there have been no nuclear incidents since the declaration was codified into San Francisco's City Charter.

Using the same template of success, I, in conjunction with San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, hereby designate all of America as a deportation-free sanctuary to anyone who can prove that he/she is here from Mexico without proper documentation, who speaks Spanish, but absolutely no English, and who is destitute and in need of public services.

As an added benefit, undocumented constituents who can prove they are HIV positive are also eligible for free housing and transportation in San Francisco.

These progressive enhancements will surely make undocumented constituents feel most welcome and, we hope, shadow free!


Bring Troops Home to Reduce "Pressure" on the Border

During his State of the Union address, President Bush advised the American people that the immigration problem is the result of too much "pressure" on America's borders.

Although the president is wrong on just about everything, he has this one right.

We Democrats intend to help the befuddled president take pressure off the borders by requiring that our troops be withdrawn from Iraq and sent to the border with Mexico by the 4th of July, 2007.

At the border, our brave military troops would escort and assure safe passage for any and all Latinos wishing to invade America.

American troops would be authorized to use whatever force needed, including lethal, to prevent renegade border patrol agents and outlaw vigilantes, AKA Minutemen, from hindering the flow of undocumented constituents into the promised land.

In addition to providing escort services, our troops would be used in a door-to-door campaign to confiscate every last firearm in the unsteady hands of ordinary Americans.

Gun Control: Repealing the 2nd Amendment

As the tragic circumstances surrounding the Virginia Tech massacre made quite clear, America must establish far greater legal impediments to all forms of gun ownership.

Repealing the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution is the only reasonable recourse for responsible Americans.

In addition, we Democrats strongly support a recent proposal by a Canadian journalist that would have the U.S. military go door to door to confiscate guns

Undocumented constituents are overwhelmingly in favor of repealing the 2nd Amendment, and would make excellent door to door "confiscators" in America's war against guns.

This is yet another reason why America must bring as many of these people into our nation as soon as possible.


Diversity and Tolerance Workshops

American citizens, particularly white Christian Republicans, can be an intolerant lot, especially when it comes to Spanish-speaking brown people.

A special outreach program should be established to eliminate racist thinking in bigoted whites by showing how undocumented constituents contribute to the America in so many ways.

Think about it: Were it not for undocumented constituents, America would have to fire scores of thousands of police officers, prison guards, probation officers, judges, bail bondsmen, drunk tank officers, detox nurses, Death Row supply clerks,and translators in our system of justice.

Without undocumented constituents there would be a calamitous oversupply of ACLU lawyers, food stamps, Cuervo beer, DUI defense attorneys who speak Spanish, welfare caseworkers, ID theft investigators, and English as a Second Language (ESL) instructors.

Undocumented constituents are vital to America's economy and white folks need to wake up and smell the refried beans!

Universal Health Care

As any American citizen who has tried to get medical attention at any emergency room knows, the great masses of undocumented constituents suffer immensely from the lack of affordable health insurance.

Indeed, undocumented constituents generally look haggard, emaciated, hung over, suffering from Delirium Tremors, and lacking in dental care.

A caring nation like America must implement a universal health care program for all people, including undocumented constituents

This humanitarian program can be funded by adding a $2.50 per gallon "wellness levy" to the cost of gasoline used in SUVs, Cadillac and Lincoln sedans, and all other vehicles registered to known Republicans.

A "wellness levy" would reduce the demand for foreign oil, cut global warming, and eliminate the need for Al Gore's hideous "An Inconvenient Truth," billed as a movie, but which was really a paid (by movie goers!) political announcement!

Higher Taxes, Redistribution of Wealth

One of the gravest problems facing America in 2007 is that all the wrong people have money.

Rich, white Republicans control most of the nation's wealth, but these people are simply the wrong people to be in control of so much wealth.

We Democrats support a progressive tax structure to level the playing field between the filthy rich and the unwashed poor.

Undocumented constituents are ALL poor and would vote unanimously to soak the rich with higher, higher, and even higher taxes!


Summary:

America faces many difficult challenges. But by bringing our troops home, tearing down impediments to newcomers, repealing the 2nd Amendment, and enacting other progressive ideas, we can save America for future generations of impoverished Mexicans.

Join me and the Democrat party as we work to make America truly the "Land of the Free" for scores of millions of good hearted, hard working people of color.

Let me close with a deep and inspirational spiritual thought: God dang America!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Duyba on Recruiting Mission in Latin America!

by John W. Lillpop

As if the 30 million or so illegal aliens already haunting America is not bad enough, President Bush spent the last six days beating the bushes in Latin America, looking for even more invaders to house, fed, clothe, educate, and provide medical care for.

All of which is to be paid for by American taxpayers, of course.

For their part, hundreds of thousands of Latinos were trying to beat the Bushes in massive street riots and protests at every stop.

Clearly, George W. Bush is a "unifier" without equal.

Think about it: In the space of just six fleeting years, this president has united a billion Muslims, China, Russia, North Korea, all of the middle-east, and now Latin America, against the United States.

Significantly, the repudiation of Bush crosses all racial, social, educational, economic, and political lines--he is an equal opportunity antagonist with remarkable versatility and consistency.

Only when one escapes earth's gravity does the anti-Bush fervor seem to diminish--and then only because our commander-in-chief has yet to launch a preemptive strike against a neighboring galaxy. But he is probably working on it.

While on his mission to annoy as many Latin Americans as possible, the president stopped in several nations to spread the gospel, according to the Book of Duyba:

In Brazil, Bush urged more Brazilian students to invade our colleges and universities.

Funny, there was nothing in the mainstream media about a crisis involving a shortage of Brazilian students in the U.S. But Duyba begged Brazilians to "Come to America to study," nonetheless.

In Uruguay, Mr. Bush touted an effort that his administration is very proud of: A program that helps President Tabaré Vázquez in his efforts to make Uruguay youngsters more literate, particularly in English.

If this program pans out as expected, Bush is expected to enroll for the fall semester himself, in order to upgrade his own English-language skills.

In Columbia, Bush insisted that America needs a guest-worker program for good hearted, hard working Colombian drug traffickers.

Bush said such a program would motivate the thugs to give up their multi-million dollar cocaine trade in order to pick avocados for $3.50 an hour in 100-degree heat in California.

In Guatemala, the president decided to try out a new comedy routine.

Responding to criticism from President Oscar Berge concerning deportations of illegal aliens, the president actually had the gall to claim that America is a nation that operates under the rule of law, and that the U.S. would continue to enforce the law.

When the laughing finally died down, Bush grabbed a crate of lettuce, hoisted it onto the back of a truck, and declared himself just one of the hombres, and an illegal alien at heart himself.

In Mexico, the final stop on the president's trip, Bush was confronted by Mexican President Felipe Calderon who appears to have lost his mind after just three months in office.

Calderon expressed outrage over the pending fence at the U.S.-Mexican border, and demanded that the America do more to accommodate Latinos who want to invade America, whether or not America needs or wants them.

Bush could have responded with lectures about rule of law, Mexico's own harsh immigration program, America's vulnerability to terrorism, U.S. sovereignty, and preservation of American language and culture.

Instead, Bush promised to put more pressure on Congress to speed up America's unconditional surrender to Mexico.

Bush also invited Calderon to visit the White House once it is renamed the Brown Palace, after comprehensive immigration reform (amnesty) is enacted.

Despite the spin coming from Bush handlers, there were negative developments.

For example, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez followed Bush around like a liberal activist looking for new voter fraud strategies and tactics.

This portly commie hurled insults, accusations, and lies at Bush while screaming "We are going to take this battle to Brazil, Uruguay, Columbia, Guatemala, and Mexico!" in a mental collapse reminiscent of the Dean Scream in 2004.

Note: Howard Dean's office vehemently denies that the Chavez rants were sourced from the DNC anti-Bush handbook and media talking points guide.

But the best story line of the trip involves Mayan spiritual leaders who protested Bush's visit to Guatemala because "he (Bush) angered the gods."

Maya leaders in the ancient site of Iximche in Guatemala say they will have to cleanse the ground that Bush walked on during his visit.

They plan to do this by laying flowers, burning incense and then throwing water on the ground where his feet have touched their sacred land to clear the bad energy his visit has caused.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has indicated that a similar procedure may be needed by Democrats in Washington, D.C., especially if Bush persists with his wrong-headed troop surge in Iraq!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

"Undocumented Boomers" Headed to Mexico!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

An Open Letter To Mexican President Felipe Calderon


Dear President Calderon:

As you are no doubt aware, America the Great is quickly becoming America the Gray. The so-called "boomer" generation, comprised of approximately 40 million Americans, will soon reach retirement age.

As they age, America's boomers yearn for a less frantic pace---and a lifestyle that allows one to pause and smell the roses now and again.

In other words, boomers are looking for the "Good Life" which is supposed to accrue to those who work 45 years, pay ungodly amounts in taxes, raise a family, put children through college, and baby-sit the grandchildren.

Unfortunately, the United States is no longer as hospitable as it once was to graying citizens.

As a result, boomers have decided to move en masse to your beloved Mexico.

Knowing that the Mexican government is a strong proponent of open borders and liberal immigration policies, as least as regards migrations from Mexico to America, boomers anticipate that their needs and wishes will be fully accommodated with minimal interference and bureaucratic hassle.

In plain English, boomers expect to be treated like upscale Mexican citizens, with all the perks and advantages attendant thereto.

Incidentally, we prefer to be called "undocumented boomers."

President Calderon, I am delighted to announce that 40 million undocumented American boomers are headed to Mexico!

Viva America!

Current plans call for about 500,000 boomers to cross the border into Mexico each month, starting in July of this year.

As with any complex transition, there are several "ground rules" that must be followed in order to make this change seamless for the boomers.

Accordingly, your attention is directed to the following action items:

* Mexican sovereignty, borders, and immigration laws are essentially null and void with respect to undocumented boomers. No attempt should be made to enforce said restrictions on these good hearted, formerly hard working Americans.

* Undocumented boomers shall receive unlimited education, food, housing, legal assistance, and geriatric care on demand, the cost of which shall be borne solely by Mexican taxpayers.

* Mexican hospitals, medical clinics, and emergency rooms shall be obligated to meet the medical needs of all undocumented boomers, without regard to ability to pay.

This obligation shall not be limited or restricted in any way because of any real or projected negative impact on Mexico's medical systems, including the loss of vital services to Mexican citizens.

* Although undocumented boomers shall not be obligated to pay for medical services received, they shall be entitled to send $30-50 billion a year back to the United States with impunity. The Mexican government shall actively facilitate the transfer of such funds to America.

* English is the only language used by undocumented boomers; boomers have no desire or obligation to learn Spanish.

* America's historic free speech, free love, and anti-war revolutions originated with activists in the boomer generation.

In keeping with the boomer tradition of aggressive activism, from time to time it may be necessary for millions of boomers to take over the streets of Mexico's large cities in order to protest proposed new laws when the "rights" of undocumented boomers are in jeopardy.

During such protests, boomers will wave Old Glory and scream "Yes, we can!" and "We are Mexico!" in English, as they protest the rule of law.

All such activities are valid free speech expressions in a thriving Democracy. As a consequence, the Mexican government shall take no action to limit or impede protests by undocumented boomers.

* We Americans celebrate the 4th of July to commemorate our independence from Great Britain. Undocumented boomers prefer to conduct business as normal on May 5 and September 16, and to reserve the 4th of July for fireworks, BBQs, and displaying Red, White, and Blue everywhere.

* Undocumented boomers shall be licensed to drive without regard to immigration status. All driver instruction and testing materials shall be in English.

* Blood relatives of undocumented boomers shall be eligible for the same reduced tuition rates offered to Mexican students in the nation legally. Immersion for the purpose of teaching Spanish is a failed concept and shall not even be attempted.

* Undocumented boomers shall be eligible to vote in Mexican elections without any requirement to prove identity.

* Grandchildren of undocumented boomers born in Mexico shall be Mexican citizens by virtue of their birth, regardless of the immigration status of their parents and grand parents, and

* Undocumented boomers are very sensitive and are easily offended. Therefore, Mexicans shall refrain from using terms like "illegal alien," "Red Neck," "Cracker,"or "Gringo" when addressing or discussing boomers.

In closing, Mr. President, let me assure you that undocumented boomers look forward to contributing positively to Mexican society, culture, and financial stability.

In doing so, we will attempt to do for Mexico what 30 million Mexican illegal aliens are currently doing to America!

With best regards and wishes for a diverse and free Mexico, I remain sincerely yours.

John Lillpop
San Hose, California




John Lillpop is a recovering liberal