Z As in Zito-- and Zero Wins

By John W. Lillpop


Peter A. Magowan, managing general partner of the San Francisco Giants, knows nearly everything there is to know about business, but next to nothing about judging baseball talent. Still, Magowan's commitment to bringing a baseball world championship to The City is commendable.

In his zeal to honor San Francisco with a World Series winner, Mr. Magowan has taken some extraordinary measures, based on advice received from General Manager Brian Sabean and other "baseball people" in his organization.

For example, in December 2006, the Giants gave left-handed pitcher Barry Zito the keys to the corporate coffers via a guaranteed contract reportedly worth $126 million dollars, or roughly $18 million a year.

At the time, Zito was a highly touted Cy Young award winner and three time All Star. In addition, Zito last pitched for the Oakland Athletics, cross-bay rivals of the Giants, so signing him would be a PR coup for the Giants.

Pitchers, especially southpaws (left-handed), are highly coveted commodities in baseball. Magowan and his minions no doubt calculated that Zito, a southpaw well known for his idiosyncrasies and offbeat personality, could lead the Giants to the winner's circle after 49 years of wretched failure in San Francisco.

Overall, the Giants (both New York and San Francisco) have not supped from the cup of winner's champagne for 54 years, going back to the club's pummeling of the Cleveland Indians in the 1954 World Series.

The last time the baseball Giants won a world championship, Dwight Eisenhower was President of the United States, the nation of Israel was six years old, black baseball players had been around for seven years, gasoline was a dime a gallon AND station attendants filled your tank, checked your oil, washed your windshield, and gave you booty for patronizing their business.

When Giants fans last celebrated being No. 1, Hillary Clinton was ten years old, the birth of Barack Obama was still seven years in the future, and John McCain was already too old to be president!

In other words, the San Francisco Giants were desperate for World Series success, especially in light of Barry Bonds advancing age, gimpy knees, rumored culpability with regard to steroids, and possible indictment by a federal grand jury.

Magowan apparently believed that Barry Zito could be the missing link in the San Francisco Giants frenzied, never ending search for World Series gold. Thus, Zito was signed to the largest contract awarded to a pitcher in the history of baseball.

2007 was a major disappointment for the Giants and especially for Barry Zito. Zito got off to a very poor start, pitched better near the end of the season, and ended with a record of 11-13, which means that his presence cost the Giants two games, net.

Because Zito pitched so well late in 2007, the Giants and their fans were looking forward to a strong 2008 from the affable hurler, who above all else is a fine and decent human being.

Unfortunately, 2008 has not been kind to Barry Zito. His latest implosion came on April 27 in San Francisco where he surrendered eight earned runs in three innings, and saw his record fall to 0-6.

In other words, since 2007, the net effect of having Barry Zito on the mound has cost the San Francisco Giants eight losses and roughly $24 million dollars.

Although I have always been a Dodger fan, I have decided to offer my services to the Giants and have FEDEXed the following letter to Peter Magowan


"Dear Mr. Magowan,

I know that you are highly distressed by the 0-6 start that Barry Zito has brought to the San Francisco Giants this year. Combined with his performance in 2007, Barry has brought a net loss of eight games to the Giants, at roughly a cost of $3 million per loss.

Although I am late 50s-something, slightly plump, LA Dodger fan who has not thrown a baseball in 40 years, I know that I can provide immense help to your organization.

Specifically, I am willing to assume Barry Zito's spot in your pitching rotation, effective immediately. In return for the loses I will surely bring to your club, all I seek is a seat in the dugout and Vince Scully's autograph.

Assuming I take Barry's place in 20 games between now and the end of the season, I could save the San Francisco Giants around $60 million dollars.

Before tax, that is.

Because I anticipate an affirmative reply, I provide herewith my uniform measurements:

Waist: 48 and growing
Pant Length: 28
Jersey: Extra, Extra large
Shoes: 8. No spikes, please
Cap: Huge

By the way, my attorney has told me that your failure to respond favorably to this proposal may involve age and LA Dodger fan discrimination, for which considerable financial redress may be available.

Waiting for your Black and Orange uniform to arrive, I remain respectfully yours,

John Lillpop
San Jose, Ca"

Thanksgiving in April?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Although Thanksgiving is still more than seven months away, it seems fitting to take stock and give thanks now, while there is still something left to be grateful for.

Indeed, given the dismal slate of presidential candidates from which Americans will choose this November, Thanksgiving Day 2008 may be a dreary day, devoid of all cheer and hope.

My top 10 "thankful" items as of today:


1. I am not addicted to rice.

2. Could not qualify to purchase that 3 bedroom/ 1.5 bath, 1,200 square foot "dream home" in Silicon Valley for $700,000 last year. That would be the same castle now listed in foreclosure for less than $200,000!

3. My financial "advisor" was laid off and is in financial chaos. Wonder whose lousy advise lead Ms. Money Knowitall into financial Hades?

4. My real estate license has expired, saving me untold thousands of dollars in potential law suits, grief, and hate mail!

5. I am not a big fan of Ethanol.

6. The US economy is so weak that illegal aliens are flocking back to Mexico in search of better lives, lured by the Mexican Dream if you will.

7. I am not constipated. At the moment.

8. Although I am a poor, older Caucasian red neck with attitude, I have less to worry about in terms of legal dodo than either OJ Simpson or Barry Bonds.

9. The cumulative approval rating for Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and George W. Bush is nearly the same as Hillary Clinton's disapproval mark.

10. With the money I save every month by not making payments on a $700,000 starter home, I can afford to buy enough gasoline to drive to a paralegal and file for bankruptcy!


Remember to count your blessings early and often--while you still have them!

Lawyers.

Satire By John W. Lillpop


It is often alleged that prostitution is the oldest profession known to mankind. This, as it turns out, is not true.

If the annals of history had been compiled by ethical and honest folk instead of pointy headed liberals and so-called scholars, the world would recognize that lawyers were, in fact, here before Ladies of the Night.

Here's how it came to pass.

Many eons ago, a young, married cave man named Ezekiel worked as a lawyer during the day and repaired leaky cave roofs at night. The young man grew disenchanted with the affections of his betrothed, especially upon learning that she was with child. Large with child, she was.

Indeed, his once beloved was no longer the svelte sex pot he dragged into his cave by the nap of the neck just six months prior. But what to do, pondered he?

Ezekiel did what any unethical lawyer would do. While tending to the roof of a beautiful, non-pregnant damsel in the next county, Ezekiel decided to employ win-win negotiation tactics with the sweet young thang.

For your favors, madam, he offered, I will compensate you $.50 for pleasures received. And so it was that the couple was joined under a leaky roof somewhere in the middle east, long, long ago.

When the dirty details of Ezekiel's sordid affair became known to his spouse, he accused the fair maiden of seducing him for cash, wrote the first anti-prostitution law on the planet, and proceeded to act as the befuddled maiden's defense attorney for $500 an hour!

Ezekiel's usury pricing and corrupt practices have served as an unalterable template for all lawyers who have followed in his footsteps.

Just how corrupt are modern day lawyers? Do the names Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Sandy Berger sound an alarm?

The most intriguing fact about lawyers is their obsession with convoluted, incomprehensible language.

For instance, when my ex and I decided that our robust flame of romance had turned into something akin to the 2008 Olympic Torch, we sat down calmly and drafted the terms of our disengagement. In simple, plain English, it was.

She got the dog, I got the bird. She kept the house, I kept the mortgage payment book.

And so it was that we agreed on the division of our community property, without the assistance of some out-of-touch lawyer in a $3,000 dress suit paid for with frivolous lawsuits.

Instead, we went to a mediator, that being an attorney who was supposed to be neutral and an advocate for neither side. When we sat down with this so-called vital cog in the wheel of justice, we were at peace with each other and with our dissolution agreement.

Of course, the mediator immediately scoffed at our plain English separation agreement. For the tidy sum of $2,000, this legal whiz converted our document into 12 pages of double spaced mumbo jumbo comprehensible only to another lawyer working on a $500 per hour clock!

When we last met with this pathetic thief, Mrs. Lillpop and I were at each other's throats and ready to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars each to pummel the other into a lifetime of abject poverty and humiliation.

Cooler heads prevailed, however, and it is only I who have been pummeled into poverty and humiliation.

Becoming a lawyer requires a considerable amount of intelligence and hard work. Take the case of Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa for instance.

Mayor Villaraigosa desperately wanted to become a lawyer, but was denied because he could not pass the bar. Instead, Villaraigosa decided that he could make more money by creating a sanctuary city for illegal aliens.

Today, Antonio Villaraigosa, sans that coveted law degree, is a wealthy and prosperous businessman who specializes in importing "illiterate peasants" to Los Angeles.

Best of all, Antonio has been spared the shame and disgrace that accrues when one is associated with the most ignoble and corrupt community in the nation: The American Bar Association!

Milking the Global Warming Cash Cow on Earth Day

Satire By John W. Lillpop

In order to commemorate Earth Day with the appropriate political correctness and chutzpah, the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming and Electing Al President" has produced a list of ten acceptable ways to celebrate Earth Day.

Mind you, none of these steps is mandatory, provided one has a mental or emotional disorder and is a properly registered Democrat!

Actually, that is grotesquely redundant--being emotional or mentally ill automatically causes one to be registered as a Democrat.

Ten Ways to Celebrate Earth Day:


1. Take a friend to see An Inconvenient Truth

Self explanatory. This spiritual experience can be completed on any college campus and in all public education classes, K-12 and liberal churches. Vacation Bible School showings now available at most Lutheran and Methodist retail centers.


2. Carbon Exchange Investments

Invest in a carbon exchange corporation that is committed to ending global warming while making obscene profits appear patriotic and "green."

To dabble in this emerging business sector, contact the "Tipper Gore Foundation of Climate Science and Investment Strategy." This low- tech misadventure has headquarters in Nashville, Tennessee on the Gore's 20,000 square foot "carbon neutral" mansion.

All business will be transacted only in euros--shares will not be released in exchange for dollars, credit cards, or checks.

The Foundation will hold its second annual meeting on April 22. Guest speaker Senator Barbara Boxer will deliver the keynote speech titled, "How Global Warming Can Impact Your Bar Mitzvah, Retirement, and Circumcision Decisions."

Light kosher refreshments will be sold .


3. Take two friends to see An Inconvenient Truth

Double your fun--and Al's profit!


4. Help Develop an Enemies of Earth Database

In order to defeat those who would wantonly abuse the earth and her people, it is essential that greenies help Al develop an Enemies of Earth database for use on future global warming activism projects, and for Al's next run for president, which may commence in August 2008 if Barack Obama and Hillary continue to pummel each other while making John McCain look presidential!

The objective of this adventure is to identify those who refuse to worship at the altar of global warming and who mock the Lord's work on this vital issue. It includes dunderheads who refuse to admit that Al actually won the presidency in 2000.

Most of the offenders are Caucasian Christian Republicans, usually angry males. Al needs to create a database of such people including home address, e-mail, phone number, church affiliation, social security numbers, and all substantiated (unsubstantiated OK if real juicy) dirt that can be used in a presidential campaign.


5. Take three friends to see An Inconvenient Truth

Three is NOT a crowd--when it comes to Al's terrific flick-fiction!


6. The "Pulitzer Prize AGAIN for Al " Committee

When Al Gore received a Pulitzer Prize for his objective and scientifically impartial work in 2007, the heavens literally opened and the light of truth was delivered to billions of people wallowing in the lies and deceit of those responsible for global warming.

But one Pulitzer Prize is not enough. As Jimmy Carter and Yassar Araft proved, just about any schmuck or murdering terrorist with enough money and a good line of BS can yank one Pulitzer.

To really stand out, one needs to win at least two and perhaps many more.

You can make a huge contribution to the future of Earth, its six billion human inhabits, and innumerable species in the animal and plant worlds by working to help steer the Pulitzer Prize in Al's direction...AGAIN!

For your "PP For Gore AGAIN" startup kit and motivational DVD, send $512.37 to the address listed on goretheglobalwarmingho.gov

Non-refundable, not tax deductible.


7. Take four friends to see An Inconvenient Truth

Four! is great in golf, and even better in the war on global warming!


8. Volunteer to Clean the Gore Mansion

Saving the planet is a full time job that leaves Al and Tipper Gore completely exhausted at the end of each and every day. In fact, the work is so demanding that this dynamic duo barely has time to stop and eat more than four or five meals a day!

But while rescuing Mother Earth from the likes of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney is demanding, the Gores must also maintain a 20,000 square foot luxury mansion with seven bedrooms, eight baths, indoor swimming pool, and guest suite for a live-in chef who specializes in mud pies stuffed with raw possum brains, and other southern delicacies.

Keeping the Gore mansion clean and dust free is a major task that you can help with. Bring your vacuuming, toilet bowl scrubbing, mopping, dusting, laundering, and other cleaning skills to Nashville and spend eight hours a day, four times a week, working your fingers to the bone while Al and Tipper fly around the world to save the planet.

This is a voluntary assignment--no reimbursement provided. Illegal aliens with domestic references and bonded preferred. Gardening skills a real plus.


9. Take five friends to see An Inconvenient Truth

Take the fifth for the future of your children, your grandchildren, and Al's retirement fund!

10. The ultimate Sacrifice for saving Earth

This step is admittedly not for everyone. It requires those who really care about Earth, children, old people, and pregnant women to make a profound sacrifice.

To those so blessed, the objective is to attack global warming head on by surrendering all motor vehicles to the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming."

Vehicles are accepted at DNC branches in all major cities provided one has a lien-free title to the vehicle, or a funding date for retirement of any outstanding liens through refinancing.

Please leave the keys in your vehicle and arrange for return transportation for all in your party. The DNC cannot provide or arrange for transportation.


Well, there you have it, moonbats! The liberal way to celebrate Earth Day with PC gusto and insanity!

Mahalo and Aloha, Jihadist Dudes!

Satire By John W. Lillpop


Of all the bloody cheek!

No longer content with just ramming airplanes into skyscrapers, devotees of the "Religion of Peace" have raised the terror bar another couple of notches.

Now these neurotic stowaways from the 7th century have flexed their financial muscle by threatening to boycott Northwest Airlines. It seems as though agents at Northwest had the audacity to demand that Muslim travelers follow international and airline rules by checking in least one hour before scheduled departure time.

It had something to do with security, 9/11, terrorism threats, etc. Nothing that would concern any card-holding Jihadist, right?

In any event, travelers returning from a pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia, allegedly arrived just twenty minutes before departure, rather the required hour.

That is when Northwest Airlines personnel acted responsibly and refused to allow 40 of Allah's best and brightest to board the plane.

Of course, lawyers from CAIR subsequently gathered to address the issue in the spirit of fairness, reasoned logic, and common sense.

When all of those approaches failed, CAIR resorted to their standard policy book and screamed Racism! blah, blah, blah. And they then threatened to boycott the company, meaning that Muslims would get even by not flying Northwest Airlines.

Excuse me, did I read that correctly? The Muslims threatened to stay away from Northwest Airlines?

Good grief, how lucky can any airline get?

Immediately after confirming this report, I checked the itinerary for my Hawaii vacation in May and dispatched the following letter to the Northern California branch of CAIR:

Dear CAIR:

Knowing how racist and belligerent some airlines can be, I thought it my civic duty to inform you of a situation that is untenable for any devoted Jihadist.

I refer to XXX Airlines, Flight XX, on May 15,2008. This flight is non-stop from Morgan Hill International Airport in California to Hana, Maui, and leaves at 730 am, PDT. Gate 2a, Terminal 3.

In addition, please make note of the return flight from Hana to Morgan Hill on May 31, 2008.

Both of these flights are to be avoided by Muslims at all costs. The pilots, stewardesses, security personal, bartenders, and Red Caps at these airports are all bigoted, anti-Islam racists. Some may even be Jews.

Please confirm receipt of this advisory and CAIR's firm commitment to boycott the identified flights.

Praise be to Allah.

Mahalo and aloha, dudes!


JWL
Infidel, Second Class

Agreeing With Both Obama and Hillary!

Hillary's role model?

Satire By John W. Lillpop


As the national mud wrestling match being staged by the Democrat Party grinds on and on and on, I am startled to find myself in agreement with much of what Barack Obama has to say about Hillary.

For instance, I agree with Obama that Hillary is a:

Rich, elitist "bi***," way out of touch with average Americans;

Weak-minded female who would be nothing without her marriage to a former president, perjurer, and sex addict;

Beer and whiskey guzzling Annie Oakley NOT;

Congenital liar who hates truth and light;

Phony hypocrite who relies on deceit and fraud to promote herself and her goals;

Inevitable president NOT!

On reflection, I am also aware of the fact that much of what Hillary says about Obama resonates with those of us who are fair and balanced.

Indeed, I agree with Hillary that Obama is a:

Rich, elitist "bas***," who is out of touch with hard-working, church- going, bitter Americans in small Pennsylvania towns;

Player in the presidential sweepstakes only because he is black. Were he white, Obama would most likely be serving tables at Geraldine Ferraro fund raisers;

Closet Islamofacist who should denounce Reverend Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan and remove them from his inner circle of spiritual icons;

Phony hypocrite who relies on deceit and fraud to promote himself and his goals;

Man of substance--cocaine and crack being the substances of choice, right Obama?

Inexperienced, naive, and gullible politician who talks out of both sides of his mouth. Bottom line: Name one accomplishment!

After all is said and done, there is hardly a dime's worth of difference between Obama and Clinton. And, judging from their own campaign rhetoric, neither is qualified to be president of these United States.

On that, we can agree!

With 72 Virgins Waiting, Why Would Any Jihadist Resist Death?

By John W. Lillpop

If it is true that, upon death, Muslim men have immediate access to 72 voluptuous virgins, why would any Muslim ever resist?

In fact, one wonders why Musab Zarqawi tried to crawl off his death-stretcher in Iraq?

Given the promise of all that free love, why not just lay back, relax and croak?

Perhaps Zarqawi understood that if he stayed on the stretcher he risked being taken and kept alive by American medical people.

He was also shrewd enough to know that dimwit liberals at the ACLU and DNC would demand that he receive a full slate of "Terrorist Rights," including a civilian jury trial, thereby delaying his demise/reward by a decade or two.

So Zarqawi did what any sane Muslim about to lose out on 20 years of unfettered virgin sex would do: He tried to escape in order to die immediately!

In the end, though, Zarqawi was a beneficiary of superior American technology as that 500 pound buster- bomb blasted the jihadist killer out of this level of consciousness.

Zarqawi’s last words on that bloody stretcher reflected his gratitude when he stole a direct quote from GW Bush:

Bring them on! said the dying jihadist, with a twinkle in his still-horny eye.

And remember the weasels who committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay? One would assume that by now they have also snaked their way up to Islamic heaven and are reunited with Zarqawi.

So, again I ask: With 72 virgins in the offing, why in the name of Allah would any Muslim ever resist death?

April 15 Looms: Time for Another Tea Party in Boston?

Satire By John Lillpop

April 9, 2008


IRS
Washington, D.C.

CC: President Bush, All Democrats, and RINOs

Dear Ladies, Gentlemen and the Undecided:

NOT enclosed herewith are fully-executed documents concerning my 2007 income and taxes, including 50 assorted pieces of meaningless paper normally generated only for the purpose of providing work for civil service types lacking sufficient intelligence and drive to secure gainful employment in the real world.

In calculating my tax obligations, I subtracted my "fair share" of money spent by the U.S. government where my interests as an American citizen were not represented, or were actually subverted.

As any pre-1960 textbook will tell you, "taxation without representation" is not cool.

But, back to my return.

Deductions were made for the following failings by the federal government:

-Borders not secured;

-Existing immigration laws not enforced;

-Homeland security measures not fully implemented;

-Taxpayer dollars used to provide public services to illegal
aliens;

-Illegal aliens allowed to evade income taxes;

-Ballots and other public documents printed in foreign
languages;

-Salaries and benefits paid to president Bush and the U.S. Congress while "working" on immigration reform.

Taking into account my fair share of services not received, the
U.S. government owes me about $15,000,000 for 2007.

Because I am politically conservative, I do not wish to add to the national debt just to rectify the wrong done me by the U.S. government.

Accordingly, I hereby recommend that IRS and ICE team up in a joint effort to collect taxes, current and past, from the largest block of tax evaders known to human kind: 38 million illegal aliens now squatting tax-free in America.

At the risk of being presumptuous, let me offer another suggestion: The greatest opportunity to confront these tax evaders would be at large public gatherings.

May 5 is rumored to be a "holiday" in the illegal alien community, to be celebrated with massive rallies and marches in cities all across America.

What a perfect opportunity for IRS and ICE to help retire the national debt, and reverse illegal immigration all at once by confronting millions of illegals clogging American streets on Cinco de Mayo Day!

How will you know the offending criminals? They will be the wackos flying Mexican flags with "Sí se puede!" or some other idiotic Spanish gibberish tattooed on their foreheads.

By the way, please note that I am filing early---law and order still means something in my house, if not in the White House or the U.S. Congress.


Sincerely,

John W. Lillpop
Overtaxed and Underloved

Rising to the Occasion with Modern Medicine!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

In many ways, Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is the male equivalent of the nagging headache suffered by women. However, unlike the headache, ED is a complex physiological and psychological malady, rather than a blunt weapon in the ongoing war between the sexes.

Substantiating Logic: Rarely has ED shut down an otherwise healthy male simply because one's partner forgot a birthday, or anniversary, or forgot to say, "I love you!" 350 times in English, French, and Swahili before commencing intimacy.

Most telling: Unlike the headache, ED cannot be feigned. For example, a man without ED cannot avoid intimacy by telling his lover, "Not tonight dear. My ED is acting up again--must be the frost!"

Either you have ED, or you don't. And the truth is quite obvious, bitterly and painfully so when you do!

Because ED is the most disabling medical trauma ever to afflict mankind, modern medicine has correctly halted research into deadly killers like cancer, diabetes, and heart disease in order to bring the world a greater good: Erectile function on demand!

As a result, the best minds in medicine have developed a number of fast-acting medications that can turn a 60-year-old, over the hill codger into an 18-year-old stud within minutes after ingestion of a magical pill.

This boon in sexual readiness medicines has spawned a new era in advertising as well, as corporate pharmaceuticals go head to head, or groin to groin to be more exact, to capture the tens of billions of dollars that American men, and their partners, are willing to spend in order to be players in life's most vital game.

Many of the new ED ads are nauseatingly simple minded and offensive. Others are witty and quite entertaining.

Take the latest Viva Viagra ad, for example.

This dilly shows several cow pokes gathered around a camp fire while singing praises to the goddess of love, in this case, a little 100 mg blue pill that makes heaven on earth possible again. Oddly enough, this pitch features no babes (as in women) which may be an innocent oversight, or proof positive that the gay lobby has infiltrated the Pfizer advertising team.

A competitor's ad reminds ED sufferers to, "Check with your physician to see if you are healthy enough for sexual activity."

Excuse me? No otherwise normal American male is going to risk losing a romp in the hay by asking his doc for advise concerning the health risks involved!

At least not before said romp!

That same competitor advises men to rush to the emergency room should "An erection last more than four hours."

Wrong, again!

Most American men hardly ever pray for anything. Except, that is, for long lasting, repetitious erections!

Why in the world would one ruin a perfectly fantastic answer to prayer by going to an emergency room to undo the divine blessing with mortal impertinence?

The more logical approach would be to make that little black book always available at the drop of a G-string--just in case serendipity gifts one with a particularly potent batch of Levitra!

Now that the scourge of ED has been tamed, scientists need to unravel the remaining mystery embodied within the Peter Principle: A cure for the common headache, please!

Nancy Pelosi's Iraq Fix: Make Love, Not Jihad!

Satire By John W. Lillpop


For Immediate Release (February 2007)

(Baghdad)---The following press release was issued by the Office of Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the U.S. House:

While meeting with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki in Baghdad recently, Speaker Nancy Pelosi presented her program for ending the violence and for making Iraq a respectable, civil nation in the world community.

Speaker Pelsoi titled her program "Make Love, Not Jihad."

The Pelosi program is patterned after the City Charter in San Francisco and includes the following key recommendations:

Gun Control

Iraq's violence is a direct result of easy access to all sorts of killing tools. The government must outlaw all weapons of mass destruction, IEDs, handguns, shotguns, rifles, machine guns and all other firearms. No exceptions.

Declare Iraq a "Terror-Free" Zone

San Francisco pioneered the "Nuclear-free" zoning concept several years ago to alert the world that The City is completely free from nuclear weapons and should not be attacked. That policy has worked beautifully, because there have been no nuclear incidents since the declaration was codified into San Francisco's City Charter.

Using the same logic, Iraq should declare itself a "terror free" zone and then just relax and wait for the insurgents and coalition forces to leave.

Reduce "Pressure" on Iraq's Borders

President Bush advised the American people during his State of the Union address that the illegal immigration problem, which is crippling America, is the result of too much "pressure" on America's borders.

Iraq is in a similar situation as it works to keep Iranians, Syrians, and other troublemakers from crossing the borders into Iraq.

Taking some of the "pressure" off Iraq's borders should solve this problem almost immediately. Please contact President Bush for more tips and information.

Make Suicide Bombing a Capital Offense

This heinous crime must be made illegal, punishable by death.

Eliminate Death Penalty

With the exception of suicide bombers, the death penalty should be eliminated. It is barbaric and archaic, and is a leading cause of "cruel and unusual punishment" in Iraq.

Diversity and Tolerance Workshops

Sunnis and Shiites in Iraq need to focus on their similarities rather than their differences. Diversity and tolerance workshops will teach them to respect and love each other, and to focus on a common objective: Killing infidels!

A special outreach program should be established to bring disenfranchised gays and lesbians into mainstream Islam.

Reduce Dependence on Foreign Revenues, Stop Global Warming

George W. Bush and big oil interests in America have forced Iraq into becoming almost totally dependent on foreign revenue for income. Selling oil for profit also exacerbates the global warming crisis, as oil is the mother's milk of the combustion engine and pollution.

Iraq should abandon its oil fields and start growing opium and marijuana. Experienced San Francisco horticulturists are available to help get this business sector started.

Higher Taxes, Redistribution of Wealth

Iraqis are not sacrificing enough and sacrifices are not shared equally. Thus, a universal tax increase is needed immediately.

In addition, a progressive tax structure is needed to level the playing field between Jihadists with money and those without. Again, San Francisco's tax collector can provide valuable help.

Abortion on Demand: A Fundamental Female Right

One of the major reasons for Iraq's pathetic status as a third-world disaster is the fact that fifty percent of the national talent, energy, initiative, and intelligence is all but ignored.

Specifically, Iraq undervalues and stymies the development, education, and advancement of women. For Iraq to progress to the 21st century, Iraqi women must be emancipated from the male mindset that says, "Keep women barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen."

Making abortion on demand both legal and free is essential to reversing the misogynist hatred that is keeping Iraq mired in the 7th century.

Universal Health Care

Anyone who watches the evening news with any regularity can see that the great masses of Iraqi people suffer immensely from the lack of affordable health care. Indeed, the people look haggard, emaciated, and lacking in dental care.

Iraq must implement a universal health care program for all people, including insurgents and others in the nation illegally. This humanitarian program can be funded by raising the cost of oil exported to America by $25 a barrel.

Such a price increase would reduce demand in America and would eventually reduce global warming as well! Al Gore can provide more information on this brilliant idea.

Speaker Pelosi concluded her presentation by wishing Prime Minister al-Maliki well, and by expressing her sincere hope that someday Baghdad will be known as "San Francisco in the Desert!"

Scooter Libby Could Have Gotten a Much Better Deal!

Satire By John W.Lillpop


Within hours after a federal appeals court refused to allow Scooter to remain free pending the appeal of his perjury conviction, President Bush rushed forward to commute the jail sentence of the former aid to Vice President Cheney.

Although Bush kept Scooter from spending the 4th of July of 2007 in the slammer, the president let stand Libby's felony conviction, the $250,000 fine, and a two-year probation period.

Most distressing, of course, is the felony conviction.

That means that, in order to vote, Scooter will have to register as a Democrat, America's "big tent" party for the deceased, those here illegally, and felons.

Howard Dean calls it "inclusive politics," however; federal and state authorities classify it as voter fraud.

Raising $250,000 should be relatively easy.

All Libby needs to do is contact a liberal publisher (aren't they ALL?) and mention that he would like to write an expose about Dick Cheney from an "insider's" perspective.

You know, reveal dirty little secrets about Cheney's wonky heart (he doesn't actually have one!). The truth about shooting that lawyer in Texas (it was NOT an accident!).

How W wanted Cheney's daughter Mary to abort her pregnancy until the president learned that the father was an illegal alien from Mexico who needed an "anchor baby" to avoid deportation!

On and on. Make the manuscript crude enough, Scooter, and you could be on the New York Times Best Seller List before summer's end.

Even better still: Announce that you are going to include a chapter or so about the personal life of W, and you might see a full blown pardon coming your way before you get around to firing up your word processor!

In reality, Scooter Libby could have avoided prison and made a small fortune if he had played his cards differently.

Next time, Scooter, follow this strategery.

To begin with, right after your conviction, change your name to Jose` Libbernandez and assume a Spanish accent. A fake ID, including Social Security number and drivers license, can be purchased directly from Ted Kennedy out of his office on Capitol Hill.

Next, scurry down to Mexico and secure a respectable amount of marijuana, cocaine, and heroine, and steal across the border into the U.S. at a location where you are most likely to be spotted by Border Patrol agents.

When spotted by Border Patrol, make a U-turn and started running back towards Mexico.

At that point, because they are racist pigs, the Border Patrol will chase you and most probably shoot you in the butt.

Do not panic: Your ship has finally come in!

After the Border Patrol has arrested you, Jose` Libbernandez, you will be allowed one call.

Use this call wisely by contacting the nearest ACLU office, and tell them you are an illegal alien who has been shot in the ass by the Border Patrol on the American side of the border.

Be sure to mention that you were shot while smuggling drugs into the U.S.

Within 10 minutes or so, an ACLU lawyer will arrive at your cell to greet and comfort you. He or she will immediately begin working on your behalf, and will text message Homeland Security guru Michael Chertoff to inform him of your plight.

Before you are actually booked, the Chertoff goons, in concert with the ACLU, will have bailed you out of jail and arrested all of the offending Border Patrol agents to take your place.

You will then be granted immunity from any and all crimes in exchange for your testimony against the criminals, those punks who until two hours ago were Border Patrol agents.

Early next morning, your ACLU lawyer will visit you in your executive suite at the finest hotel in town (paid for by the DOJ) and get you to sign documents needed to sue the former Border Patrol agents, the U.S. government, and all conservative radio talk show hosts and columnists.

Provided the ACLU can find the right leftist judge and a rigged jury, you could be rewarded for your troubles with a five million-dollar judgment!

That is nearly what you would have hauled in by selling all those drugs, Scooter!

What's that, Scooter? You are worried that you might be turned over to American authorities and prosecuted?

Forget it!

Remember, you are Jose` Libbernandez, a good hearted, hard working peasant who just came here to do work that Americans will not do! You are now part of a protected class, a man to who rule of law does not apply.

Welcome home!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Only in 'Frisco: God Talk and Kiddie Porn Talk Show Host!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

KGO-AM radio in San Francisco is a 50,000-watt public nuisance operated solely for the purpose of advancing the agenda of left wing extremists and anarchists, otherwise known as Democrats.

Programming for the station is forwarded to Moscow for final approval by communist power brokers before being aired locally for the exploitation of useful idiots in the ultra-liberal Bay Area.

So biased to the left is this station that many refer to it as the KGB of misinformation and non-news.

Given its extreme liberal slant, one would naturally expect talk show hosts working at KGO to pollute the airwaves with leftist pap, deceit, and outright lies, since without those tools at their disposal, liberal talkers are essentially muted.

Until very recently, KGO cornered the market on radio insanity at night with the under-talented tandem of Bernie Ward and Ray Talifero.

For years, this unhinged duo assaulted radio listeners with verbal hysteria commencing at 10 PM, or as soon thereafter as the producer was able to stop Bernie Ward from eating long enough to speak into a microphone without spitting undigested food throughout the studio.

Ward's rants ran for three hours, or until he collapsed from fat prostration.

Right around 1 AM, a team of mental health professionals wheel Ray Talifero into KGO studios on a psychiatric gurney. With more than 25 years of experience, the Talifero nut team works with the precision of a NASCAR pit crew as they untie Talifero from his prescribed straight jacket, and pump enough Prozac and Valium down his throat to make a dent in even the most ferocious liberalism-fueled psychosis.

This drug overdose usually lasts Talifero until 5 AM, although on the odd mornings when he waivers, KGO producers scurry about in search of the ultimate oxymoron--a "Best of Ray Talifero" tape with which to continue the broadcast devastation until five bells ring out in the morning.

This wretched abuse of the airwaves by Ward and Talifero has been going on for nearly a decade now, ending only when Ward was dismissed from KGO in January because of his indictment on child pornography charges.

Ward, who fancies himself as intellectually gifted, defended his child pornography background by claiming that he was simply doing research for a book that he was writing about the sexual abuse of children. To date, that specious argument has gone over about as well as most of his extreme liberal views--which is to say not at all.

But the real tragedy of Bernie Ward is how this bloated foot soldier of Satan hoodwinked KGO and thousands of Bay Area listeners with his "God Talk" talk show on Sunday mornings.

Under the guise of being a spiritual elitist, this former Catholic priest wasted three hours each Sunday morning to ridicule and denigrate fundamentalists, Republicans, Caucasians, believers in the Almighty, the Catholic Church, traditionalists, and conservatives at every opportunity.

Included among Ward's novel gospel ideas were these dillies:

-Jesus Christ was a good and honorable man, but not deity.

- Rather than being resurrected, Jesus' crucified remains were probably eaten by wild dogs not far from the cross upon which He was slain.

-The Holy Bible is a combination of myth and pagan symbolism. As such, it must never be taken literally.

- Most Christians, especially conservative evangelicals, are undereducated boobs who have no basis for believing as they do.

-There is no such thing as the power of prayer.

Perhaps Ward's most notorious violation of Godly values came when he offered to help draft-age young men escape military service. Ward proudly offered to assist any such young man by writing a letter declaring the individual to be homosexual, whether or not that happened to be true.

So much for the integrity and holiness of those who make huge personal sacrifices in order to work as priests.

Besides being purged from his political talk show on KGO because of his child pornography indictment, Ward no longer functions as the host of "God Talk" on Sunday mornings.

Thank God in holy prayer for that!

Addicted to Addictions?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Life in America used to be so much simpler,less stressful.

For instance, back in the “Good Old Days,” Uncle George always drank too much at family holiday gatherings. But back then, Uncle George’s lack of self-control was recognized as the issue. He was the problem, and it would have been unthinkable to call him a victim.

Things are vastly different in 2006.

These days, addictions and recovery programs for dealing with them, are a huge industry. They earn scores of billions of dollars for enterprising “counselors” who will tell you that it is not your fault that you weigh 520 pounds, chain-smoke Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes, use cocaine and heroine on an hourly basis, and have rarely drawn a sober breath since you were nine years old.

None of that is your fault!

Nearly every human frailty can be traced to an addiction. People claim debilitating addictions to:

-Tobacco
-Too much sex
-Too little sex
-Love
-Alcohol
-Illicit drugs
-Too much work
-Too little work
-Prescription medicines
-Food
-The Internet
-Shopping
-News
-Politics
-And on and on and on

In fact, it has gotten so weird that I am thinking of opening a new treatment clinic. It shall be called the Recovery Program for overcoming Addiction to Addictions.

After 30 days and $70,000, I guarantee you will be free from the compulsion to find another addiction in your life.

My program works--mostly because after I finish with you, there will not be enough money left in your bank account to buy another respectable victimization.

The latest addiction in our society is to cell phones. People drive while talking on their cell phones, while shopping at the supermarket, while at the theater, while at the library, while at the opera, while talking on a land phone, and in just about every other situation.

I even saw a man talking on a cell phone while otherwise engaged at a public urinal! Who would have imagined that “nature’s call” could have such a literal meaning?

A friend recently confided to me that he had spent hours and hours talking on a cell phone in an attempt to win the heart of the woman he was hopelessly in love with. Unfortunately, the fellow not only lost his love, but his cell phone provider billed him $2,400 for one month of calls—a stark reminder that, these days, talk is anything but cheap!

Which reminds me—I think I will add a Cell Phone Recovery Wing to my treatment center. Call me on my cell at ######## to get well in time for the holidays!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

San Jose: REAL Capitol of Bay Area

By John W. Lillpop

Snobbish San Franciscans have long held that "The City," as they immodestly refer to their old school, runned down metropolis, is vastly superior to all points south, especially the once-upon-a-time cow town known as San Jose.

According to these look-down-their-nose elitists, San Francisco outpaces the rest of the Bay Area in all matters involving politics, culture, commerce, music, entertainment, and major-league sports.

Perhaps that belief needs to be reconsidered in light of the new and improved San Jose?

Consider this calendar of events for just one day, last Sunday, March 30:

A colorful and exotic parade was held to celebrate the Iranian New Year. To accommodate the festivities, the City of San Jose graciously closed several streets and provided police coverage so that Iranians could celebrate their enchanting music, pageantry, and culture openly and freely.

San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed, although not Iranian, joined the parade in a top-down convertible, waved to the cheering crowd as he passed, and made his way to the speaker's podium to address the celebrants. Even the mayor of Brisbane joined the festivities, also in a convertible automobile that was part of the parade.

At about the same time as the spectacular Iranian parade was ending at Market and Park, former President Bill Clinton was addressing Democrats attending the party's annual state convention at the McEnry Convention Center, one-mile away.

Fittingly enough, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom had to come to San Jose in order to hobnob with California's top Democrats.

The McEnry Convention Center was also hosting the Pacific Alliance Gymnastics Championships, while further south down Market Street, the largest Indian realty show in the United States was taking place at South Hall.

San Jose was host to several other events, some small, some large, all providing terrific opportunities for entertainment and education on a lovely spring Sunday.

Lest we forget, the fun-packed day culminated with exciting NHL action at the HP Pavilion, as the Sharks continue their quest to bring the Stanley Cup home.

Meanwhile, up in dreary old San Francisco, a couple of baseball teams that will surely lose more games than they will win in 2008 played meaningless games before die-hard fans who came out to ATT Park only because they were unable to get tickets to the Sharks' game in San Jose.

Times they are a changing--are you ready, San Francisco?

W, the Unifier? You Bet!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

When George W. Bush first campaigned for the presidency, he boasted of being a big-league unifier, and claimed to be a man capable of bringing widely divergent parties together for common good.

Compromisingly speaking, that is.

So has the president delivered on that campaign promise?

You bet, and with a gold star to boot! Clearly, George W. Bush is a "unifier" without equal.

Think about it: In the space of just six plus fleeting years, this president has united a billion Muslims, China, Russia, North Korea, all of the middle-east, and now Latin America, against the United States.

Add the "Blue States" and yellow Republicans to the list and you have unity not seen since the days of Richard M. Nixon.

History tells us that Nixon ultimately did the honorable thing by hijacking an Air Force helicopter on the lawn on the White House and flying off to la-la land.

Earth to Mr. Bush: Hint, hint!

Significantly, the repudiation of Bush crosses all racial, social, educational, economic, and political lines--he is an equal opportunity antagonist with remarkable unifying skills.

Only when one escapes earth's gravity does the anti-Bush fervor seem to diminish--and then only because our commander-in-chief has yet to launch a preemptive strike against a neighboring star.

But with several months to kill before he is jettisoned out of office, Bush is probably busy plotting a preemptive strike against a distant star, one that could be a threat to America's economy.

How about going after the sun, Mr. President?

After all, with the exception of Al Gore, Nancy Pelosi, and all the goofy environmental leftists, the sun is the most dangerous ball of hot gas in our solar system!

And, despite what the junk science nit wits are saying, the sun is the source of all global warming, Islamic terrorism, and Nancy Pelosi's botox addidction.

So, why not use the bully pulpit to announce a bold new initiative for tackling global warming?

Call it "Operation Sun Down," or something clever like that, and announce that the U.S. will embark on a campaign of "Shock and Awe" against the sun to stop solar flares from screwing up earth's climate and, more importantly, America's GDP.

Only George W. Bush is capable of unifying the world on an important issue like global warming.

Just say the word, W, and the entire world will unite against whatever it is you propose!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.