Is Brattleboro, Vermont, America's Last Best Hope?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Quick! Name the greatest contribution made by the great state of Vermont to the overall interests of America and its people?

Answer: Other than maple syrup and a sappy chairman of the DNC (Howard Dean), there is an embarrassing paucity of greatness originating in Vermont.

Until now, that is.

However, should the good folks in Brattleboro have their way, the very future of human civilization may be altered forever.

Brattleboro, you see, is debating a petition that would subject President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney to arrest for crimes against the U.S. Constitution.

This crucial town-wide ballot, which will be decided on March 4, reads as follows:

"Shall the Selectboard instruct the Town Attorney to draft indictments against President Bush and Vice President Cheney for crimes against our Constitution, and publish said indictments for consideration by other authorities and shall it be the law of the Town of Brattleboro that the Brattleboro Police, pursuant to the above-mentioned indictments, arrest and detain George Bush and Richard Cheney in Brattleboro if they are not duly impeached, and prosecute or extradite them to other authorities that may reasonably contend to prosecute them?"

Yahoo: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080130/ap_on_re_us/bush_warrant

Reactions to the petition are predictably mixed. Cynics on the right are denigrating Brattleboro by calling the locals crazy and ignorant. One particuarly salty prognosticator (moi!) even called this sleepy town "San Francisco light!"

Left-leaning pundits, on the other hand, are praising the action, while pointing out that the Bush-Cheney arrests are at least six years past due.

So how in the world can a sleepy little town of 30,000 truth-starved leftists in an isolated burg in Vermont make a tinkers dam bit of difference in the overall big picture?

Picture this scene: A contingent of Brattleboro's bravest and brightest police, numbering two, arrives at the White House bearing a properly executed indictment and arrest warrants for Messrs. Bush and Cheney.

Keep in mind that these two are no slouches, the Brattleboro police. Both are perfectly aware of the odds against being able to barge into the Oval Office just to arrest the President and Vice President of the United States, in broad daylight, and in front of the national media.

Which is why the Brattleboro police are disguised as illegal aliens from Mexico.

With their wide sombreros, stolen social security cards, and third grade Spanish, the police approach the Secret Service police and declare themselves to be "good-hearted, hard-working" illegal aliens who need to see Bush and Cheney.

And pronto, hombre.

Naturally, once they are identified as Mexican invaders, the Brattleboro police, AKA Mexican illegals, are immediately whisked into the Oval Office where Dubya and Darth Vader are plotting a shock and awe nuclear campaign against the Sun in order to combat global warming.

This solar attack campaign is vitally important to Darth Vader and Halliburton, given the looming recession and dwindling post-destruction opportunities in Iraq.

Which is why the VP is pressing hard for a $150 billion earmark identified as "Baghdad Environmental Enhancement" in the defense budget.

But back to the Brattleboro police.

Once the impostors are actually in the Oval Office, it is a simple matter of applying handcuffs to Dubya and Darth Vader. The duo are then marched in the "mother of all perk walks," through the Rose Garden, and into a 1992, four-cylinder, brown station wagon rented specifically for the high-profile arrest.

Fifteen hours later, from the steps of the courthouse in downtown Brattleboro, the two police officers--sans the sombreros, stolen social security cards, and Spanish accents--announce the arrest and incarceration of President Bush and Vice President Cheney.

The people of Brattleboro, and all of America, have been served by the brave and courageous police, who have proven again that no person is above the law in these United States.

Meanwhile, back in Washington, D.C., a full-blown constitutional and spiritual crisis has gripped the government and nation.

Because Dubya and Darth Vader are cooling their heels in the downtown Brattleboro jail, Speaker Nancy Pelosi is now president of the United States!

Nancy Pelosi, freaking president!

Being the good liberal that she is, President Pelosi immediately accepts the mantel of responsibility and issues an "Omnibus Executive Order to Restore Equality and Fairness to America," a dilly which provides for the following:

( ) A formal apology from America to all Muslim leaders, including Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for America's evil pursuit of oil in the middle east under Bush.

( ) An invitation for Osama bin Laden to address a Joint Session of Congress to give the terrorist side of 9/11, and to explain how America's ruthless overreaction harmed tens of millions of innocent Islamofascists.

( ) Imposition of a new tax that will close the "wealth gap" between successful (greedy) American entrepreneurs and ordinary homeless people, left out in the cold by Bush-Cheney.

() Transfer of $300 billion from the Iraq war budget to a special fund to provide heath care, college education, and spicy burritos to illegal aliens.

() Demolition of that portion of the Fence which has actually been built at the U.S.-Mexico border.


( ) Immediate pardons, and citizenship for every one of the 38 million illegal aliens in America who can prove that they are here illegally, who speak only Spanish, and who agree to vote Democrat for the remainder of their lives.


Of course, Speaker Pelosi's liberal agenda will all but ruin America in the space of about 10 months. Which means that right before the November elections, the overwhelming majority of American voters will see the potential disaster in electing a liberal administration run by either Hillary Clinton or John McCain.

Thus, in an unprecedented demonstration of unity among the American electorate, about 85 million patriotic Americans will write-in the name of Tom Tancredo for president and Duncan Hunter for vice president, thereby saving America, the world, and humankind.

Thank you, Brattleboro, Vermont!

Just How “Slick” Is Bill Clinton?

By John W. Lillpop

Liberal media spin masters, in cahoots with the Democrat Party, have always portrayed Bill Clinton as the smartest man in Washington, perhaps the entire planet.

According to these pillars of wisdom, Clinton may in fact be the most intelligent being to have ever lived, including Jesus Christ, and excepting only Franklin Roosevelt, Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, and the mother of all leftists, Hillary.

The fact that Bill Clinton became ensnared in a sordid affair with a subordinate intern in the White House at the exact same time that his alleged sexual harassment of Paula Jones was being investigated by a special prosecutor and hostile U.S. Congress does not matter.

The fact that Clinton was impeached for perjury and obstruction of justice does not matter.

The fact that Clinton was disbarred from practicing law in Arkansas and prohibited from arguing before the U.S. Supreme Court because of perjury and obstruction of justice does not matter.

The fact that Clinton avoided serving in the U.S. military, but protested America’s involvement in the Vietnam War on foreign soil does not matter.

The fact that Clinton refused to take Osama bin Laden into custody on two separate occasions does not matter.

The fact that Clinton destroyed morale in the U.S. military by implementing the “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” policy does not matter.

The fact that Clinton made “Don’t ask, don’t tell” the first item on his agenda after taking office does not matter.

The fact that Clinton chose to pardon several unsavory characters in the final hours of his term in office does not matter.

The fact that Clinton attempted to ram socialized health care down the throats of the American people by assigning the project to a non-elected, nonmedical twit—his wife Hillary—does not matter.

The fact that Clinton did irreparable harm to an entire generation of American youth by pretending that oral copulation is not really sex does not matter.

The fact that Clinton promoted a reckless, irresponsible attitude toward marital fidelity, promiscuity, and family values does not matter.

The fact that Clinton failed to provide an honorable and decent role model for America’s impressionable youth does not matter.

Despite all his disgusting and stupid behavior, leftists still regard Clinton as “too smart to measure” when it comes to IQ points.

On a “brilliance” scale of 1 to 10, liberals inevitably score Clinton as a 30.

But given Bill Clinton’s recent performance on the campaign trail for Hillary, one suspects that Slick's image as a genius may be cause for some serious second thinking, even by dedicated leftists.

For instance, Caroline and Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama over Hillary Clinton just this past week. Senator Kennedy expressed concern about Slick's race-baiting and endless struggle with the truth.

John Kerry also jumped aboard the Obama train, to the consternation of the Clinton camp and Slick. A growing number of liberals are asking Slick to butt out in order to save Hillary's wrinkled skin.

Al Sharpton said it best when he bluntly ordered Slick to "shut up!" after the former president had blind sided Obama with another unethical attack.

Several weeks ago, Slick even suggested that once Hillary was stuffed away in the Oval office, Bush-41 and Slick himself should be sent on a global mission to repair the incredible damage inflicted on the image of the U.S. by the present President Bush, who just happens to be the son of Bush-41.

That bit of tawdry hillbilly illogic was quickly put to rest by Bush-41 the next day.

Nonetheless, the question remains: How in the world can a person of “superior intelligence” even utter something so nonsensical?


Which leads one to another question: Just How “Slick” Is Bill Clinton?

Measuring One’s Liberal Quotient

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Recognizing when one's mind has become infested with liberalism, and knowing the full extent of that devastating news,is vital information that one should have in order to navigate life’s many dangerous obstacles and roadblocks.

The simple, yet scientific, test that follows has been programmed to evaluate one’s “liberal quotient,” which is the exact opposite of intelligence quotient, and usually portends serious mental and moral defects.


The test:

1. Abortion

The privacy provision in the U.S. Constitution that guarantees women the right to an an abortion was authored by:

( ) Roe V. Wade, one of the original founding fathers.
( ) Sandra Day O'Connor, a nice lady in many ways, but in over her head when it comes to constitutional law.
( ) Paid lobbyists for Planned Parenthood and Code Pink

Abortions should be:

( ) Mandatory for all unmarried women.
( ) Included in universal health care coverage paid for by the government.
( ) Funded by eliminating the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.

2. Global War on Terror

The war on terror is:

( ) Being fought everywhere in the world, except Iraq.
( ) Lost: The terrorists have won and America should surrender immediately.
( ) Proof that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are much smarter than George W. Bush.

Domestic Surveillance

President Bush has personally listened to calls made and received by Democrats and moderate Republicans. This type of domestic spying is OK as long as the president does not use racial profiling in deciding which calls to spy on.

( ) True ( ) False

3. Taxes

Sky high taxes:

( ) Stimulate economic growth and create millions of secure, high paying jobs.
( ) Are needed to keep overachievers modest
( ) Should be paid by any family with an annual income in excess of $7,450.

4. Energy and Dependence on Foreign Oil

Drilling for new oil reserves in America is:

( ) Prohibited by the U.S. Constitution.
( ) Sure to irritate Muslim leaders whom Bush should be working with, rather than against.
( ) Unnecessary if automobiles are outlawed.

Additional refining capacity would:

( ) Increase demand, thereby causing more global warming.
( ) Be the moral equivalent of the Holocaust.
( ) Be OK in blue states if built by brown illegal aliens.

The best option for dealing with the high cost of gasoline is to:

( ) Ignore it. Americans drive too much as it is.
( ) Raise gasoline taxes $5.50 per gallon to reduce demand.
( ) Cut off supplies to Red states.
( ) Ignore it--higher prices will drive Bush’s poll numbers even lower.

5. Illegal immigration

Illegal immigration is:

( ) Needed by liberals in order to win elections.
( ) A misnomer. They are actually undocumented Democrats!
( ) Mexico’s chief export.

Border security should be:

( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce.
( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce and more Democrats.
( ) Used to keep Republicans out of the United States.

The fence between the United States and Mexico is:

( ) Unconstitutional. It discriminates against Mexicans too fat to scale a fence.
( ) A good idea if it will stop the Minutemen from invading Mexico.

Bush’s proposed immigration reform scheme:

( ) Will work if guest workers are required to join a labor union.
( ) Should be approved by Mexico before being sent to Congress
( ) Sounds like amnesty, but Mexicans here illegally deserve amnesty!

Janet Napolitano, Democrat governor of Arizona:

( ) Thinks ''Minutemen'' is a reference to the sexual staying power of Border Patrol agents.
( ) Was for Illegal Immigration before she was against it.
( ) Was a “stealth” candidate in Mexico’s presidential election in 2007

6. Using Liberalism to Understand Islam

Ramadan:

( ) Is a scared Muslim ritual that has been commercialized into a national hotel chain—Ramada Inn—by greedy American capitalists.
( ) Is not covered by constitutional separation of church and state, because the founding fathers were all Christian Caucasians.

The Koran:

( ) Specifically identifies George W. Bush as the anti-Allah.
( ) Names Barack Obama as the candidate most committed to change.
( ) Is needed to counter Judeo-Christian propaganda found in the Bible.

Mosques:

( ) Are holy sanctuaries, except when used to plot nuclear attacks against Israel.
( ) Are never used to hide weapons, except during time of war. Because of infidels, Islam has always been, and will always be, at war.

The practice of rewarding martyrs with 72 virgins:

( ) Makes far more sense that the Christian myth about a virgin giving birth to a Jew come to save the world.
( ) Assures that Allah will always have a large contingent of dedicated, virile young men eager to give their very lives for the righteous cause of Islam.
( ) Proves that Christians who promote abstinence are extremists who do not understand spirituality in this life nor the one to follow!
( ) Will never work in the illegal alien community: Where would God and/or Allah find 72 Mexican virgins?

Congratulations! You have successfully completed this objective assessment of your vulnerability as a practicing liberal.

Because we understand that self-esteem and confidence are very fragile commodities to liberals, we provide neither answers nor grades to this test. This is essential to protect those who may have performed poorly.

But rest assured that you did GREAT-- like everyone else, regardless of sex, nationality, race, language, sexual preference, age, blah, blah, blah!

Happy New Year? Don't Be Daft!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Humankind throughout the planet just celebrated the start of a new year with grand hopes that things would get better in 2008. But judging from events of the first two weeks, little has changed.

Consider:

President Bush continues to peddle his tired old "Road Map" for peace between Israel and Palestinians, while at the same time threatening to start World War 111 over a naval clash with Iran;

New Jersey apologizes for slavery, Europe, the White House, white rice, and vanilla ice cream in a sweeping gesture promulgated by bleeding hearts to eradicate bigotry;

President Bush apologizes for the failure of the U.S. to bomb Auschwitz during World War 11. Promises to do so before his term ends.

O.J. Simpson is back in jail in Las Vegas;

Sub-prime performance crisis hits Washington. President Bush is given 12-month notice that White House is being repossessed by the American people.

Hillary Clinton literally cries out for support. John Kerry, Arizona Governor Napolitano, and Las Vegas labor unions respond by jumping aboard the Obama-fest special;

California is bankrupt.

Governor Schwarzenegger proposes to empty Golden State prisons in order to balance California's wonky budget;

O.J. Simpson lawyers call for a change of venue to California;

Al Sharpton calls for race riots over golf commentator Kelly Tilghman's use of "lynch" in same breathe in which she discussed the preeminence of Tiger Woods. Woods recklessly dismisses the incident as "complete non-issue."

Britney Spears testifies against herself at child-custody hearing in the back of an ambulance; and

Made in China brand added to Citigroup, Merrill Lynch, and other ailing U.S. financial institutions in the mother of all financial meltdowns.

Happy New year? Hardly!

Requiem for Hillary Clinton: "Big Girls Don't Cry!"

By John W. Lillpop

Hillary Rodham Clinton had already finished ordering her stylish inaugural gowns for balls and victory celebrations still more than a year away.

Final specs were in place for a domestic spying network that would immediately sound an alarm on the president's wrist watch whenever a "bimbo" was detected on White House grounds--and alone with Bill Clinton.

Urinals throughout the White House were to be ripped out and replaced with Unisex potties, convenient and accessible for and to all.

Clearly, Hillary Clinton saw herself as the 44th president of the United States. It was her karma and birth right, an irrevocable promise granted by the gods of femi-nazism.

In fact, one half expected to gaze into the sky one night and behold heavenly bodies configuring themselves to read "Hillary Rodham Clinton, 44th President of the United States of America," as if to spam undecided voters.

Hillary's ascension to the presidency was nearly as inevitable as death and taxes. And in the minds of many, just as unwelcome.

Then came the presidential debate in Philadelphia on October 30. The one in which Senator Clinton was unable to articulate a cogent position on the volatile issue of driver's licenses for illegal aliens. On that night, she sounded more like George W. Bush than the silver-tongued, double-talking weasel to whom she is married.

First she was for it, then against, then for, then against, and on and on and on.

In the space of two agonizing minutes, Hillary came across as an indecisive and scatter brained political hack. A political novice, rather than a shrewd understudy endowed with invaluable executive experience gained by sleeping with the most powerful man in the world for eight years.

Her performance was hardly what one would expect from a "World Class Genius." Or even a "Little Rock, Arkansas Class Genius," for that matter.

Things continued to deteriorate for Hillary, leading to a humiliating third-place finish in the Iowa caucus.

Then, while campaigning in New Hampshire, Hillary decided that her tactics were simply not closing enough deals (votes). Thus, Hillary decided to play the Sympathy Card.

Which goes like this: If you can't beat them, take on the persona of an abused child. Rather than going for the jugular, go for the heart and soft heads so common among liberal voters.

Meeting with a group of mostly undecided women voters and with cameras from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, Fox, and MSNBC on the lookout for even the slightest hint of a tear, Hillary said: "You know, this is very personal for me. It's not just political it's not just public. I see what's happening, and we have to reverse it."

ABC NEWS http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/01/clinton-gets-em.html

In other words, Hillary was not driven to tears as a result of losing Iowa to an inexperienced black man, or because she trails that same man by double digits in New Hampshire.

Rather, Hillary's tears were shed for We the People and for America. Unless we woke up, she was saying, we were in danger of not electing Hillary Clinton.

Truly a situation worthy of a crying jag, if ever there was one.

However, Hillary could learn a lesson from a wildly popular song recorded in the 60s by the Four Seasons.

The song, "Big Girls Don't Cry."

Get it, Hillary?

Conservatives Need To Cut Slick Some Slack

Satire By John W. Lillpop

For the past 16 years, conservatives all across our great land have railed at the personage of William Jefferson Clinton. The "Liar in Chief" is one of the kinder monikers bestowed upon the man from Hope, Arkansas who apparently believes that truth is more of an enemy than communism, poverty, AIDS, and Islamofascism combined.

From his hate affair with the U.S. military and traditional family values, to his love affair with damn near anything female, conservatives long ago decided that "Slick Willie" was the devil incarnate.

As president, Slick was the devil with a hillbilly accent who ordered the military into conflicts where no U.S. national interest warranted a diplomatic presence, much less a full-blown military intervention.

To be fair, it should be noted that Slick did occasionally take on an evil doer like Saddam Hussein, or an aspirin factory run by Osama bin Laden. To be honest, it should also be remembered that Slick did so only when needed to divert attention from orgies in the Oval Office hosted by and for the commander-in-chief.

President Clinton raised taxes, lied about everything including falsehoods delivered while under oath, and generally trashed the majestic White House by converting said edifice into a gathering place for whores, corrupt attorneys, and scam artists. All of whom were close personal friends and members of his immediate family!

President John Adams was the first American president to take residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. He did so on November 1, 1800 and the next day Adams wrote a letter to his wife, containing a prayer for the house.

Adams wrote:

"I pray Heaven to bestow the best of blessings on this House, and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none but honest and wise men ever rule under this roof."

Heaven has seen fit to honor the Adams' prayer over the years, except for the period of 1993 through January 19, 2001 when Slick and his family occupied the Presidential Mansion. Turns out Heaven and its agents were not allowed on White House grounds during Slick's tenure.

A number of elaborate hypotheses have been offered by medical and criminal experts to explain the phenomenon of Slick Willie and to answer the burning question, "How in the world does an innocent young lad from a small southern town grow up to be such a conniving and deceitful thieve?"

As it turns out, it may not be entirely Slick's fault.

To understand Bill Clinton and the demons that haunt his existence, one need only refer to the Democrat party debate in New Hampshire on January 4, 2008.

In that forum, Slick's ball and chain, AKA presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, droned on and on and on, without exhibiting the slightest hint of shame, about the change that SHE has brought to the world over the past 35 years.

Hillary whined and cried non-stop for several minutes, while claiming exclusive credit for every worthwhile cause undertaken since a disgraced Richard M. Nixon was driven from the White House in scandal in 1974.

To hear Hillary tell it, one might even conclude that she was the pilot of the helicopter that whisked the deposed Nixon off the White House lawn en route to California. Hillary would have one believe that she responsible for ending "America's national nightmare," while serving as a combination impeachment attorney and shyster pilot.

After watching Hillary rant and rave over the past several months, one can almost understand the pathological lying and perversion that have taken over Bill Clinton's eternal soul.

Remember, Bill Clinton has been married to Hillary Rodham for nigh onto 33 years. Thirty three years of bloody bitching. Finger nails screeching on a chalk board for 33 years. Dodging ashtrays for 33 years!

Compared to being married to Hillary for 33 years, water boarding would be a welcome respite!

Most men would bail after being manacled to Hillary Clinton for a mere 33 hours! If more American wives were like Hillary, the French Foreign Legion would be the largest English-language force in the world.

So while Bill Clinton is without question one of the most despicable, immoral, and evil men to rent out the Lincoln bedroom, compassion dictates that honorable conservatives cut Slick some slack.

Let us, therefore, offer this humble apology:

Slick, now we fully underestand Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Juanita Broderick, Kathleen Wiley, Monica Lewinski and all of the hundreds of other bimbos in your life.

Given the circumstances, you deserve a Purple Heart for surviving 33 years of hell without resorting to homicide!